DP wants home ownership but not a mortgage

[Maplelady]

My partner and I have been together for three years. I own my house outright and he owns no property, but could raise a mortgage of around 350k on his 80k salary.

He currently pays £600 a month to live and my house but understandably doesn’t want to feel like my lodger forever. I suggested that we could sell my house and put that down a 500k deposit and he could raise a mortgage of say 150k-200k (which he pays and has that as a percentage of equity in the house). He really hates the idea of owing that sort of money to the bank and being tied to a mortgage for the next 20 years.

He’s suggested that I buy a new house from the sale of my current house and my savings (I have 100k in savings) and he pays me a monthly amount and gradually buys a share of my house. Am I right to feel really uncomfortable about this? There’s nothing compelling or exciting to me about selling chunks of a property I already own and can afford. I get that he wants us to feel more like a partnership rather than a tenant/landlord situation.

For a bit of background… I put my ex on my mortgage years ago and it ended up costing me a lot of money when we broke up after a few years. I can’t tell if I’m just being overly cautious because of my past experience

But he already has a perfectly normal way not to feel like your lodger- you agreed to get a new property where he gets a mortgage to pay for his half.

Or he could use the money he’s saving each month living with the OP to buy a rental property, so in later life they would have two properties owned outright - if he was sensible in his 50s he’d go for a property that would be a good retirement choice for you both and later on you could swap round which house you live in and which is the rental.

he has a very well paid job and now very little outgoings, so was in a position (if he didn’t want to start a new business) to spend the next 15 years rebuilding his finances and go into retirement with assets and stability.

instead, he decided he wants everything right now, shown up how selfish he is and is going to lose everything.

If you both live in your house or you buy a new house be careful financially. If you get married to your partner then they automatically have a financial gain from your property if you break up.

No! Do not mingle your assets! Keep your house and finances separate.

There are legions of women who have done what you are contemplating and lived to regret it.

He will propose.

Yes—probably. Iif he can keep his cool long enough. I hope for OP’s sake he doesn’t because its difficult to turn that down. We naturally want to return to a feeling of trust and safety.

He won't give up his cushy life style, and still wants more. He has tried one way, now he will try another.

Marriage would solve a problem for DP but would potentially leave me and DC extremely vulnerable. It’s not something I’d consider at this stage in my life, even if I was with someone wildly rich

Yes. He's gone away to think about it and realised he can't live without the OP, so let's just forget all about it and get married.......

OP loses half of everything she's worked so hard for.

Marriage would solve a problem for DP but would potentially leave me and DC extremely vulnerable. It’s not something I’d consider at this stage in my life, even if I was with someone wildly rich

So glad you are sensible.

Agreed :very sensible.

I think a lodger agreement is the only way to do it. He gets his own room, in your house and pays his 600pm.

He can then save up for many years at a good interest rate and buy a tiny rental when he has enough. He will not benefit from a house price increase whilst he saves but then again, the days of doubled house price every 10 years is probably over. If he wanted to go 50/50 on a new house in a few years, fine, but he contributes an equal amount.

It is refreshing to read a woman able to be discerning about her situation rather than befuddled by a man telling her what's best.

Well done OP- you spotted the flaw in his plan (it shafted you) and questioned it. Good for you.

Will you be able to manage this calmly do you think? Or will be stir? I suppose it's hard to know given he isn't who you thought he is anyway.

It's the fatal weakness of men, thinking that things will fall into place for them with the facilitation of a woman.

Thank goodness you have realised now what a total chancer and leech this man is...

I was clear when we met that I didn’t want to get married. I need someone who loves me for me and not because I look good on their arm or provide them with financial security

OP, I salute your clear-headed thinking.

Your DP has underestimated you.

Bull to that!
Tell him if he wants equility in the relationship then that’s what he can have. Put your house up for rental to keep your collateral investment and provide yourself with an additional income. He has no right to half your savings as that is effectively what his asking you to give him.

Now that you have effectively theoretically moved out and rented your property (it is your property, your capital, and your rental income only, he has no right to it and can benefit from you having more disposable income should you wish to take him out for a meal as much as he does you!) - you and him can then be equally in investing an equal deposit into a new home, both contributing an equal mortgage and be equally named on deeds, but given you’ve only been going out 3years I would seek legal advice in how to set up the new property ownership so that you are not financially tied to him if he leaves in 3/5/15 years.

Sorry OP but it sounds like he sees you for your money and the best way for him to prove himself as loving you for you is to love you even if his ability to have your money removed from the picture.
Do not give half your home to him.
Please rent it out, and keep your finances separate, never have a joint account no matter how much he says this will make him feel more an equal in the world of love. Money is not love and owning yours does not prove how you feel about him - just simply how he feels about you.

Sorry to be blunt, but He is being a con artist and YAB absolutely UR to allow him to take half your money and security.
if you need a verbal reason, which you don’t owe him - tell him that house is your pension for retirement and in the meantime your mortgage that enables you to meet his dream of equity in the relationship, then sit back and see how far he runs or if his creed turns him into a nasty boyfriend.
It won’t hurt to test the waters and see if he really does mean what he says about being true equals in a property (just keep your home out of it, it shouldn’t be on his radar).

That my perspective if it helps?

What you’re saying makes sense. I had a rental property in the past and sold it because frankly couldn’t be arsed with the hassle. I don’t want to risk tenants that don’t pay the rent or have to pay CGT when I sell it. I just want to own one property which I live in and work to pay into my pension and earn money. This guy can live in my lovely house and build up his assets and financial security (something he couldn’t do while paying extortionate rent). If that’s not enough for him then it tells me everything I need to know

I hope you have thought about whether you even want to have a relationship with someone who tried so hard to get his hands on what is yours and your children's. He doesn't deserve you or your love and you can do so much better.

I am also concerned that, after three years of living together (if he continues to live there), he could claim part ownership of the house since he has paid "rent". That would not be a possibility, would it?

My friend is a lawyer with expertise in this area. I owned the house outright before he moved in and my name is the only one on the deeds. It would be very expensive and pointless for him to try to prove that he has a beneficial interest in the house

Good for you. Do be prepared for him to turn nasty. He had it all worked out and won’t like a fly so you standing up for yourself in the ointment

I do think he shouldn't have been paying anything above bills and food, as that's not particularly fair i.e. you loved him for him but were financially benefitting?

But I don't think you will see it like that.

However you are correct in your conclusions based on his behaviour now. It is going to undermine your financial security.

I’m not sure I agree with what you’re saying. Do you think that a man on an 80k salary should be living with his partner for say £300 a month?

I do think he shouldn't have been paying anything above bills and food, as that's not particularly fair i.e. you loved him for him but were financially benefitting?

Of course he should be paying rent. Unless he is living with his mummy and daddy (and even then they might expect board) or own his property outright, he will always need to pay rent or mortgage to someone. Looking at what he is paying OP I bet it's not even 50% of what he would have to pay elsewhere. He's taken OP for a mug and she's allowed it because of love. I hope she stops being a mug and let's him live elsewhere regardless of whether they continue dating.

Yes I noticed someone mention 3 year rule.

Rent is what you pay wholly to a landlord, or partly if you are in a shared rental. You and dp are a lodger situation as you live there. But a lodger agreement and his own room would be a very good idea. In fact essential.

The lodger amount should be enough money to cover his half of bills, never put his name on a bill for the house. Never any repairs in his name, nothing.

Your situation is actually easy.
The tricky ones are where say you give your dc a large deposit and they buy with someone with a lot less, That will probably be my situation with my dc and I will have to take legal advice.

I see it as, it would be my mortgage and I am the person responsible for paying it. If a partner moves in with me, it's because I love them and want to be with them. I don't want them paying my mortgage I.e. paying back a debt I took on myself.