DP wants home ownership but not a mortgage

[Maplelady]

My partner and I have been together for three years. I own my house outright and he owns no property, but could raise a mortgage of around 350k on his 80k salary.

He currently pays £600 a month to live and my house but understandably doesn’t want to feel like my lodger forever. I suggested that we could sell my house and put that down a 500k deposit and he could raise a mortgage of say 150k-200k (which he pays and has that as a percentage of equity in the house). He really hates the idea of owing that sort of money to the bank and being tied to a mortgage for the next 20 years.

He’s suggested that I buy a new house from the sale of my current house and my savings (I have 100k in savings) and he pays me a monthly amount and gradually buys a share of my house. Am I right to feel really uncomfortable about this? There’s nothing compelling or exciting to me about selling chunks of a property I already own and can afford. I get that he wants us to feel more like a partnership rather than a tenant/landlord situation.

For a bit of background… I put my ex on my mortgage years ago and it ended up costing me a lot of money when we broke up after a few years. I can’t tell if I’m just being overly cautious because of my past experience

I’m surprised from your earlier updates it now sounds like you’re considering remaining with this man who IMO is not only trying to fleece you but has had the nerve to double down and attempt to use emotional manipulation when you’ve resisted?

Even if he backs down after your conversation, he’s already shown his true colours. That would worry me, and I’d probably be wondering what stunt he’s going to try and pull next or if it’s going to resurface again. I couldn’t trust someone like that and if I don’t trust you, I can’t share my life with you.

And for the pp saying he should pay nothing beyond his share of bills do you really not see how he is already benefiting paying “mates rates”?

I don’t know if you think a man can easily find a place where he has a spare bedroom for his children to visit at weekends at £600 for rent alone, let alone food and bills too.

When I was a lodger I paid £700 for one lovely but small room, it covered rent and bills but obviously not food.

I may be able to see past this but also may not. It’s been a normal and healthy relationship up until this point so I think we owe it to one another to take some time to gather our thoughts and have a conversation about it. I agree that if the same problem keeps arising without resolution then a relationship can not continue. I

What difference does it make what they do with your lodger/rent rate. So what would you pay?

Half of bills and half of food.

What do you actually want to happen? And what will you do to make it happen?

It seems to me that you are focusing on a 'chat' in a vague hope that things will magically be resolved,.

Fair enough but you then live for free. You benefit from free accommodation and save your money for yourself. Honestly the only person anyone should do that for is their own dc. Or possibly for a sahp who is at home with small children before she/he goes back to work.

Absolutely this!!!

He should get a mortgage not rinse you.

You would be essentially a mortgage provider but interest free and losing value in the property!

The difference is he cannot stop paying a mortgage without consequences.

Look after your self OP - you are number 1.

I was thinking I would save the money for our future together.

If your partner agrees with this arrangement then good for you, but I think that many would feel a bit taken advantage of- I certainly would!

Of course you should have a chat before you decide what you want to do. That is only sensible and kind. He could just have been drifting dreamily and suddenly and without thought realized he is 50 and had no assets.

He’s not really your partner though—he’s just a live in boyfriend? A partner, to me, is a really long term proposition. Maybe you can’t or won’t marry them but they are in the relationship for the long haul. Over the long haul one or the other if you may have financial or health reverses and need the other one to step up. A partner us committed to doing that. A boyfriend is not. A partner is committed to wirking out conflicts within the relationship. A boyfriend can dob out if he doesn’t get his needs met as and when he wants.

At 50 he needs to be thinking about his future:does he plan to always be in a romantic relationship with you? Does he plan to retire with you? How does he envision paying for himself, or you, if circumstances change?

What if you break up? Do you split that money?
Asking genuinely, not sarcastically. It’s really hard to understand how the other person gains any benefit.

If you take the amount you save in rent and put it I to a joint “holidays” account or something then perhaps it would make some sense. But that only works if you stay together.

@Maplelady when i read posts like this i always feel that the man has chosen the female who already has a house of her own which is big enough to accomodate his kids so he doesnt need to buy his own house!! just suspicious!

Yes sure could be for joint holidays, home improvements, moving. If you split then you just half what is in there.

Fair enough, but I feel if after your chat he still hasn’t acknowledged what he is proposing is disadvantageous to you - he definitely really doesn’t have your best interests at heart.

I can only hope he is able to see things from your POV and redeem himself somewhat.

You don't get an asset of that value without a degree of hard work and risk. Tell him to go swivel! He's a free loader!

He wants to own a house but not have a mortgage. But is happy for you to have one. Not a chance.

I agree with everyone who says he is taking the p*ss

But in reality many if not most people would just take their money with them if they split.

And if you’re unmarried there’s nothing you could do about it to get your (promised) half after letting your partner live with you rent free.

I guess if he puts his money where his mouth is and agrees that he was being unreasonable and agrees with buying somewhere together with a mortgage on his part, then the relationship could have a decent future. If he doubles down though OP, he is basically trying to steal from your children or at least trick them out of what will be theirs, and that would just give me the major ick!

You both contribute to the joint account so you each take back what you put in if you split.

You agree each year ahead what you are saving for and commit to those, while you figure out the long term plan.

What if one of you earns double? Do you contribute according to your salary and then split 50:50 at the end?

I believe OP in this scenario makes 40 thousand to her bf’s 80 thousand and also has children. So with far less wiggle room she commits more of her monthly income to a mortgage. She restricts current spending and accepts a big risk and weight for s future asset.

He doesn’t do that. He is asking to have less than a standard lodger’s pay magically count towards the asset in some vague fashion. He isn’t setting aside an equivalent ortion of his income for the two of them. If they break u she has no recourse with respect to the kinds of assets he is investing in (his business, his pension).

No private agreement is as secure as marriage. No private agreement makes up for his lack of commitment to the true costs of the mortgage.

Op if you decide to continue with this relationship be careful. Make sure he doesn't get a charge put against your property as collateral for his new business venture.
An ex neighbour discovered her recently ex partner forged her signature to do this. Had to involve solicitors to get it sorted.

You both contribute to the joint account so you each take back what you put in if you split.

This is an agreement of trust. It is not legally enforceable. Unless perhaps you've had something drawn up by a solicitor and even then, if you were shafted you'd have to pay out to go to court to get your money back.

With a joint account both parties are entitled to all the money in it. With no marriage there is no legal need to divide the assets. In the event of a split, if one party decided to shaft the other by emptying the joint account there would be nothing the other one could do about it.

OP this man has already proved he doesn't have any consideration for you. I wouldn't have a joint account with him at all. If you do decide to have one, I'd suggest it's just for paying the household bills, with you both paying half the bills amount into it each month (assuming you've decided you're going 50/50 on bills) and the account to have no credit or overdraft facility. At least that way of he ever emptied the joint account and did a runner, you're only down half a months bills.

I'm not picking on you in particular, just wanted to point out to OP that there's a lot of minimising going on on this thread.

He's already doubled down. He's had his second chance. He asked for a cheeky fucker bank-of-OP agreement, she said no. He didn't say ok then let's see what compromise we can come to. Instead he sulked, twisted his shitty behaviour back on OP trying to make out its her fault and threatened to end the relationship.

It's not a "second chance" if it keeps happening over and over again. That's not a second chance, that's an acceptance that this is how things are and you're going to moan a bit but ultimately you're going to tolerate it.

If you stay in this relationship OP you'll have to watch your back forever more. By staying you'll be giving him the message that it's ok for him to try to shaft you and it's ok for him to employ manipulation tactics to try to wear you down if you say initially say no. By staying and having a conversation about what you both want from the relationship, you're showing him he can act in the manner he has without consequence. Because if it isn't okay for him to do/say those things and you don't accept that behaviour of him, then you'd be breaking up with him.

Boundaries #101 OP. You don't negotiate to be allowed to have them. You have them by having them and acting accordingly.

@VotesAndGoats As above -

this exactly was my point - as I said, as a non married couple you don’t have a leg to stand on if the partner leaves you high and dry.

It’s much less complicated and fairer just to pay your way each month towards rent, food and bills.

I don’t know anyone who has let their partner live with them for free then gotten a lump sum consisting of half the money their partner has saved when they broke up! That’s just not a thing.

£600 is a great deal for him so he’s already massively benefiting. No need to reduce it further. Especially as he earns 80K. I earn much less than 80K and I’d be over the moon to pay £600 for rent, bills and food!

ETA: and why should the partner who saved money from rent be able to take back that money they’ve saved from the joint account? I thought your initial point was saying you’d save that money towards your joint future and if you split you’d give them half of what you’ve saved .

That’s a lot different from each party taking back just what they’ve put into the joint account. Because in the latter situation, the one who has lived rent free has still benefitted financially more than the other.