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Original poster

DP wants home ownership but not a mortgage

621 replies

Maplelady · 03/07/2024 18:43

My partner and I have been together for three years. I own my house outright and he owns no property, but could raise a mortgage of around 350k on his 80k salary.

He currently pays £600 a month to live and my house but understandably doesn’t want to feel like my lodger forever. I suggested that we could sell my house and put that down a 500k deposit and he could raise a mortgage of say 150k-200k (which he pays and has that as a percentage of equity in the house). He really hates the idea of owing that sort of money to the bank and being tied to a mortgage for the next 20 years.

He’s suggested that I buy a new house from the sale of my current house and my savings (I have 100k in savings) and he pays me a monthly amount and gradually buys a share of my house. Am I right to feel really uncomfortable about this? There’s nothing compelling or exciting to me about selling chunks of a property I already own and can afford. I get that he wants us to feel more like a partnership rather than a tenant/landlord situation.

For a bit of background… I put my ex on my mortgage years ago and it ended up costing me a lot of money when we broke up after a few years. I can’t tell if I’m just being overly cautious because of my past experience

OP posts:
Olivia2495 · 04/07/2024 16:48

He said that he needs to have a think about our relationship because I’m thinking in terms of ‘you’ and ‘I’ and not ‘us’. I’m so disappointed in this man

I think you need to end this op. He is saying he might split if you don’t allow him to financially abuse you. I’m sorry, you must be very hurt.

pikkumyy77 · 04/07/2024 16:50

Oh OP! That’s really, really, bad. Im so sorry for you. What a creep.

PaminaMozart · 04/07/2024 16:50

Rather than wait patiently while he is 'thinking about the relationship', why not use the time productively. Packing his stuff in binliners might help you deal with the suppressed anger you are possibly feeling?

Makemydaypunk · 04/07/2024 16:56

I think you need to end this op. He is saying he might split if you don’t allow him to financially abuse you. I’m sorry, you must be very hurt.

He has shown his true colours even quicker than I expected, give me your house and money or I will leave you, sorry OP you are with a man who wants to financially abuse you, he sees you as a cash cow and nothing more. Please don’t comply, no man who loved you would do this, he will happily financially ruin you and your children without a backward glance.

PurpleBugz · 04/07/2024 17:02

"He said that he needs to have a think about our relationship because I’m thinking in terms of ‘you’ and ‘I’ and not ‘us’"

So he's threatening to end the relationship because you won't give him a stake in your house. That easy? After little discussion and no trying to work a way that suits you both just 'give half your house to me or I leave'. Showing his true colours there isn't he. You must feel shit op I'm sorry. You have dodged a bullet here I think. And if you don't end up splitting I would speak to a solicitor and have it water tight that he has no claim on the house and can't refuse to leave if you predecease him and keep your kids from their inheritance.

Hatty65 · 04/07/2024 17:07

"He said that he needs to have a think about our relationship because I’m thinking in terms of ‘you’ and ‘I’ and not ‘us’"

This is disgraceful. And typical abusive DARVO behaviour. HE is the one thinking of 'you' and 'I' in that 'YOU should allow me to financially abuse you. I want a house without paying a mortgage'.

I would ask him to move out and end the relationship with him. I would not need to think about it any longer.

EmeraldRoulette · 04/07/2024 17:08

@Maplelady Well, at least he's made his position crystal clear without more faffing about.

You need to end this OP, sorry.

Gymnopedie · 04/07/2024 17:30

I’m so disappointed in this man

But not as disappointed as he's going to be when you throw him out and he doesn't get half a house gratis. Oh dear, how sad, never mind.

🎻A tiny violin to express the depths of my sympathy for him.

unsync · 04/07/2024 17:33

Maplelady · 04/07/2024 16:42

Yes I have read all this, and I appreciate the the advice from all of you. He said that he needs to have a think about our relationship because I’m thinking in terms of ‘you’ and ‘I’ and not ‘us’. I’m so disappointed in this man

Show quote history

I'm disappointed for you. He's only thinking about himself. He's got a fucking cheek accusing you of that when you're the one with everything at risk. And now he's trying to manipulate you by 'having to think about the relationship'. What a charmer!

I'd dump him for that alone. At least you've found out his true nature now and don't need to waste any more time on him.

LittleGreenDragons · 04/07/2024 17:36

He said that he needs to have a think about our relationship because I’m thinking in terms of ‘you’ and ‘I’ and not ‘us’

Says it all. You shut your wallet and he says bye. I would make sure he goes OP, tell him to shut the door on the way out. (And for goodness sake don't accept a marriage proposal if he comes sliming back!). Hes just a common cocklodger after all.

Sunnydiary · 04/07/2024 17:39

I would be inclined to cut his “thinking” time short if I were you. Perhaps he and his £600 would like to fuck off now?

kkloo · 04/07/2024 17:43

Maplelady · 04/07/2024 16:42

Yes I have read all this, and I appreciate the the advice from all of you. He said that he needs to have a think about our relationship because I’m thinking in terms of ‘you’ and ‘I’ and not ‘us’. I’m so disappointed in this man

Show quote history

Do not even engage with that manipulative crap. He's only thinking of himself so the cheek of him to turn it around on you.

honeyrider · 04/07/2024 17:47

Olivia2495 · 04/07/2024 16:48

He said that he needs to have a think about our relationship because I’m thinking in terms of ‘you’ and ‘I’ and not ‘us’. I’m so disappointed in this man

I think you need to end this op. He is saying he might split if you don’t allow him to financially abuse you. I’m sorry, you must be very hurt.

I greet with this, he's telling you he wants to financially abuse you, how manipulative of him, he's so sure his threat of ending his relationship with you if you don't hand over your assets he's not afraid to say it.

Think of your future and that of your children, he's very bad news and please do not be so gullible to be taken in by him.

tommyhoundmum · 04/07/2024 17:47

No No No. Please don't do this.

MumMRM · 04/07/2024 17:49

You do realise if you buy a house just in your name he will be eligible for a portion of it if you break up, even if he does not pay a penny towards it. If you own your house, why sell it and use all that money and YOUR savings to buy another? May as well stay in your current house and keep your savings.

Clarabell77 · 04/07/2024 17:53

Not a bloody chance.

Would he do this for you? I bet not!

Original poster
Maplelady · 04/07/2024 17:53

EmeraldRoulette · 04/07/2024 17:08

@Maplelady Well, at least he's made his position crystal clear without more faffing about.

You need to end this OP, sorry.

I don’t know what else to say. What a disappointment. I really did adore this guy but I haven’t been able to look at him in the same way the last couple of nights. I worked my fingers to the bone and sold my business last year (hence why I have no mortgage and savings). Now I’m working part-time, re-training and have lots of free time and financial security. He resents this I think, why should he work full-time to pay off a mortgage when I’m working part-time and have the freedom he doesn’t have?

OP posts:
DiscoBeat · 04/07/2024 17:53

I would be suspicious about his credit rating with a request like that. And then that would be even more reason not to do it!

DiscoBeat · 04/07/2024 17:55

I think this is it. He wants to set up a business in the next couple of years and worries that he won’t be able to do this with the burden of monthly mortgage repayments

And then what happens if his business goes pear shaped and your property is tied up with him? Another warning flag.

AmandaHoldensLips · 04/07/2024 17:58

Agh, such a huge disappointment for you. But there it is. In black and white.

Cocklodger central.

You can do better. And without the emotional blackmail of a man who is jealous of all that you have worked so hard for.

OVienna · 04/07/2024 18:03

This thread is making me so nervous.

tara66 · 04/07/2024 18:03

It's better to be safe than sorry when you're 10 years older and less financially secure because of a bad arrangement re. your assets.

J97King · 04/07/2024 18:03

It costs a fortune to move house. Who is paying for the solicitors, estate agents, surveyors, removal company? What about all the new furnishings and fittings you will probably need? Buying a house isn't straightforward - there could well be repairs needing doing. It is always a risk even with a survey. Don't move is my advice.

EmeraldRoulette · 04/07/2024 18:12

@Maplelady Yes he probably does resent it.

I'm sorry to say I think there is a lot of this about.

In general - people being jealous of what other people have.

The other thing I think most people have had is this experience that someone will be incredibly admiring of what you have.... And then suddenly they want what you have and if it's a boyfriend, they think you owe them a slice of it.

I'm actually wondering if he did this from the beginning - so did he say to you that he was really impressed with your business and everything? It is a big shock for you and I am really sorry.

It does seem that you can know somebody for a really long time, and still have no idea what they are really like.

Nanaof1 · 04/07/2024 18:12

Maplelady · 04/07/2024 16:42

Yes I have read all this, and I appreciate the the advice from all of you. He said that he needs to have a think about our relationship because I’m thinking in terms of ‘you’ and ‘I’ and not ‘us’. I’m so disappointed in this man

Show quote history

He is hoping that you forgo your common sense and jump to whatever he wants because he brought out the big guns of "needing to think about our relationship because you don't buy my cock and bull story I am trying to sell you". He is basically telling you to give in to what HE wants, or else......

I would ask him if he needs help packing his things.

I am SO very sorry that you are learning some not-very-nice information about your DP. But, it is better to know now than later, when it becomes too late to recover fully. You are thinking of you and your children while STILL keeping him in mind. He is only thinking about how to get financial security through your sacrifice and hard work. Un-Mumsnet {{HUGS}} to you.