DP wants home ownership but not a mortgage

[Maplelady]

My partner and I have been together for three years. I own my house outright and he owns no property, but could raise a mortgage of around 350k on his 80k salary.

He currently pays £600 a month to live and my house but understandably doesn’t want to feel like my lodger forever. I suggested that we could sell my house and put that down a 500k deposit and he could raise a mortgage of say 150k-200k (which he pays and has that as a percentage of equity in the house). He really hates the idea of owing that sort of money to the bank and being tied to a mortgage for the next 20 years.

He’s suggested that I buy a new house from the sale of my current house and my savings (I have 100k in savings) and he pays me a monthly amount and gradually buys a share of my house. Am I right to feel really uncomfortable about this? There’s nothing compelling or exciting to me about selling chunks of a property I already own and can afford. I get that he wants us to feel more like a partnership rather than a tenant/landlord situation.

For a bit of background… I put my ex on my mortgage years ago and it ended up costing me a lot of money when we broke up after a few years. I can’t tell if I’m just being overly cautious because of my past experience

Jesus, that’s even worse. So you end up housing him for free, plus using your hard earned savings, while he pisses his high salary up the wall and tries to muscle in on your property for nothing when it all goes wrong?

Absolutely no chance! If you're buying a house you choose a price, you put down your half and he gets a mortgage for the offer half.
Do not put all your equity and savings in! He's already taking you for a ride! Cheeky sod

He has about 20k in savings and no debt. He lost his house when he got divorced as his children were still in ft education and he spent many years in expensive private rental. I think he’s approaching 50 and realising he’s got no financial security. If anything happens to me, the house will go to my DC. My solicitor advised that considering the length of our relationship my DC shouldn’t have to wait to get their inheritance

It is not up to you to provide him with that financial security at your cost.
It is not up to you to fund what may well be a hobby business.
He can get a mortgage. He can let the property and build up his own financial security, rather than deplete yours.
It sounds as if you are making allowances for him.

It sounds as if you are making allowances for him.

I agree. I wonder if OP is intimidated by him or if it's a 'love is blind' scenario.

Don't do this!

Nooooooo. From your update, double no. He is using you for risk-free financial security. The whole "he wants to set up a business in a couple of years" 100% means you'd only be getting a year or two of payments from him anyway because after that, he won't have any money to give you and will try to convince you "but the business is for US, babe" etc. etc.

You're not married, he is up to financial shenanigans and wants to take advantage of your financial security. All you face here financial insecurity and loss.

I would honestly be inclined to move on. This guy isn't a good partner for you.

He can get a mortgage in his 50’s and his 20K is a reasonable deposit, given his earnings and borrowing power.

He wants to worm his way into your property, stop paying when he wants to and have protection from being kicked out because he’ll own part of your property.

He wants to take advantage of you, in other words.

You are right that this is a red flag.

He is being very unreasonable and unrealistic.

Living for £600pm is amazingly cheap. He has found a nice little goldmine but is greedy for more.

Dump the gold-digger.

I originally wrote another option to let him gradually buy a share in your house, but reading your updates changed my mind.

He doesn't want a mortgage because he doesn't want anything to stop him from shafting you over when the going gets tough. He is lining up to be a total cocklodger. As soon as he "starts his own business" he will stop contributing anything.

Get rid.

I bet if you say no, he will propose and if you say you want to ringfence, he will back out.

Please don't tangle your finances with his. It's a really bad idea.

I've been very happily married for over 30 years and we don't even have a shared bank account. I got burned once before - never again. My security is paramount to my happiness.

You have children. In that case - think of it as every pound's value of your fully paid off house that you give to him, you're taking away from your children and giving to him and his children - and why would you want to do that?

If you were going to be able to buy a significantly more valuable house by 'going in' with him, then if you die/split up your children wouldn't lose out.

But what he's suggesting, there's no gain to you at all - all you get is half a house instead of a whole house, and no more money.

Yep.

I would dump him OP.
He trying to financially abuse you. Why stay with someone like that ?

What a chancer. How deeply unattractive, a man of his age trying to scrounge ownership of a house out of his girlfriend because he’s failed to get himself to where he wants to be in life.

He doesn’t fancy a mortgage?! Yeah none of us do mate! Some of us are adult enough to take responsibility for our own finances though. Imagine actually asking your partner, out loud, to hand over part of their house and at the same time admitting you want to owe them not the bank because you can stop paying if you need/ want to 🙈

What a twat, honestly I would seriously reconsider him as a partner, especially if you have kids. I wouldn’t trust him at all, he clearly has no shame. This would repulse me, I couldn’t see him the same.

Oh yes, this. With bells on.

Protect yourself and your children's inheritance. This man doesn't have your back. He is thoroughly untrustworthy.

That's not the excuse he thinks it is either

They either had no equity so there was nothing to split regarding the house (great financial management!)

Or there was equity and she kept it while he kept his pensions/ other savings (and he is not putting those on the table)

And somehow even though he earns 80k he's only come up with 20k in savings.

This guy is a fucking dud and I would be incensed at his suggestion that you buy him a house!

They’re always setting up a business aren’t they? The men who have found a woman to keep them so they can finally give up having a proper job like a dull person and set up their own business. They’ll not make any money for a while but it’s fine because they are too special to be an employee - and this is their true calling, which will eventually pay off and they’ll be super rich.

the woman who is keeping them generally is a boring employee, but see she’s not special enough so that’s fine for her. And obviously she has no claim over the business if it does do well, because she’s not done anything to set it up (ignoring her paying his bills so he can keep a nice lifestyle while he earned nothing).

OP obviously don’t do the buying him a house thing, but also I’d be clear, if he’s setting up a business that’s fine, but the moment he views that £600 a month he pays to you as optional, he leaves your house.

he is telling you he intends to stop earning while he “creates” and plans to just not pay anything to you in that period.

You've had 11 pages of seriously awesome advice here OP, from many who have been shafted like this before. As have you, to be fair.

Please don't do the silly thing. If he leaves because of it, well, you have your answer, but more crucially, your security and roof over your head intact.

if he’s setting up a business that’s fine, but the moment he views that £600 a month he pays to you as optional, he leaves your house.

It should be a lot more than £600. That's what he's currently paying towards bills and food. If he now thinks that £600 is going to be paying the OP for part ownership of the house, then that means he gets food and bills for free.

3 years together is no time at all. I would suggest you just don't engage with a discussion about your house. If he feels insecure (which is understandable) then he should buy a place that is affordable - perhaps rent out.

That's exactly what I was thinking. He wants to secure HIS financial future on the back of the OP (and her heirs).

Every post shows him in a worse light.

@Maplelady I hope you are reading all of these warnings and red flag alerts. You have children to protect down the road. Please stop giving him excuses as to why he doesn't have more savings etc. No one forced him to live in an expensive rental, it was his choice, and I wonder why he chose that "lifestyle"? Look how little he pays now and STILL wants to use ALL of your money for his security. Really, unless he gets his own mortgage, and you keep your house, the loser in it all will be you and your DC.

Oh no @Gymnopedie - she doesn’t do the silly buying him a house plan. She stays in her current house with her owning it and he continues to pay her the rent they agreed.

the issue is even if she dumps the “buying him a house” idea and they stay as they are, he’s said he views payments to her as optional. She needs to be clear that not only is she not letting him buy equity from her, his rent /share of bills money is not optional while he follows his dreams.

Sorry Fancy - I should have said IF the OP were to go ahead with it. Which I very much hope she won't and have posted to that effect earlier.

Yes I have read all this, and I appreciate the the advice from all of you. He said that he needs to have a think about our relationship because I’m thinking in terms of ‘you’ and ‘I’ and not ‘us’. I’m so disappointed in this man