DP wants home ownership but not a mortgage

[Maplelady]

My partner and I have been together for three years. I own my house outright and he owns no property, but could raise a mortgage of around 350k on his 80k salary.

He currently pays £600 a month to live and my house but understandably doesn’t want to feel like my lodger forever. I suggested that we could sell my house and put that down a 500k deposit and he could raise a mortgage of say 150k-200k (which he pays and has that as a percentage of equity in the house). He really hates the idea of owing that sort of money to the bank and being tied to a mortgage for the next 20 years.

He’s suggested that I buy a new house from the sale of my current house and my savings (I have 100k in savings) and he pays me a monthly amount and gradually buys a share of my house. Am I right to feel really uncomfortable about this? There’s nothing compelling or exciting to me about selling chunks of a property I already own and can afford. I get that he wants us to feel more like a partnership rather than a tenant/landlord situation.

For a bit of background… I put my ex on my mortgage years ago and it ended up costing me a lot of money when we broke up after a few years. I can’t tell if I’m just being overly cautious because of my past experience

Absolutely no way. And especially not being married. You have saved and paid for your house. Don't let him have a share in it unless he makes a commitment to you.

Since he has shown his true colors, I think OP would see right through this dud asking her to marry him.

The rest of what you said is hogwash. She should never, ever give him a share of her house and property, even if he "committed" to her.

He is nothing more than a cocklodger and a grifter.

He will not want to go back to paying £1250 for his own house, so I doubt he is really reconsidering anything. He’s on a good deal and he knows it.

His threat is nothing more than manipulation which is further evidence of his poor moral compass.

How about he saves up £150k and then you buy a house outright, together?

He's a cheeky fucker.

I appreciate this, thank you x

Have you checked his credit rating?

You must be pretty shocked OP. So sorry.

It might help to reflect on the fact that if you fold and agree to any of his self serving suggestions, every pound you spend propping him up is money taken from you AND YOUR DC.

He passed the credit check for a mortgage so we could buy together, but that is off the table now. No way I’m buying anything with him even if he does a U turn and wants to get a mortgage. In his shoes I’d jump at the chance of living in a fabulous house with someone I love whilst paying an affordable mortgage for a share of that house. What he’s asking for is me to sell a house I love to buy a different house (with all of my equity and savings) and get a share of that for less than he would pay in rent. Zero risk for him. I’d be mad to do it

I'm sorry @Maplelady that he's turned out to be such a disappointment

We've all had quite strong words to say about him, but that doesn't make it any easier for you

You thought he was one thing and now he's taken the mask off and left you reeling at the person he has revealed himself to be.

Of course he could stop - or never start! Don't put your future at risk.

I’m so sorry, you must be feeling awful 😞. I don’t know what to say except stick to your guns. This has now shown that you should DEFINITELY keep your financial affairs separate. Many a women would have dumped him for this entitled and selfish behaviour.

When you have a mortgage- the banks aren’t doing you a favour! They charge interest.

But atleast you’ll own it at the end of the term.

Im not sure I understand his thinking process.

Thank you. I’m absolutely gutted because except for the lack of assets (which isn’t that important to me anyway) I thought I’d found someone I was going to be really happy with. My sister said ‘good luck to him finding someone else who is beautiful, kind, funny and smart who is willing to sign over their house to him’. I think that says it all

There will be plenty of new women in their 50s that he can choose from with their own home, going forward, hope one of them doesn’t fall for this. I have a feeling he will get his own way one day.

Yep, that would be a no from me.

You would indeed, but you're not, so you're literally home safe.

Fuck no!

except for the lack of assets (which isn’t that important to me anyway)

Sorry to have to say this to you, but it should be important to you. I say that as someone who learned the hard way.

Lack of assets in later mid-life is a serious red flag for anyone who does have assets.

When I met my ex in his late mid-40s, he had few assets (and initially he made out that his assets were worth more than they were). I didn't think it mattered too much. I owned a property due to getting on the ladder young and had retirement savings despite being more than a decade younger than him.

What I didn't know then was that he had a serious hidden spending problem that accounted for the lack of assets. It was pretty devastating for me when I eventually realised that ultimately he had his eye on the house that I owned and the inheritance that he expected me to get (when I once expressed concern about his low retirement savings, he actually said, "Well, your parents will leave you a lot of money").

Your partner's divorce didn't drain him of assets. His kids being in full-time education shouldn't be a reason for him to lose his house and he didn't need to live in expensive rentals. It sounds as though he may have an inclination to prioritise lifestyle over financial security, which is fine as long as he doesn't expect someone else (ie you) to become his financial prop/security.

I think this sums it up perfectly

No a definite no. He either gets a mortgage for half of his share of the house and you buy your share with your money or you rent a house together.

I own a large share of our home as I used my lifetime savings and then my partner has a mortgage for his share. But we had been together renting together etc for 15 years prior to this so I was overly cautious.

He's not thinking about "us" he's thinking only of himself!

He's a CF questioning your commitment. If you weren't committed he'd still be living in a private rental.

On £80k he could have rented a cheap one bed place, saved like crazy and bought something (in the UK if not in current area) outright, within a few years. Then saved again even harder without rent or mortgage to pay and upgraded to something bigger/better/more expensive area within another fee years, again purchasing outright. He chose not to and to live the high life instead. Now he wants to basically steal your DC inheritance.

You realise him "reconsidering the relationship" is designed to make you come running and agree to anything he wants to stop him leaving you? He thinks you're that weak and desperate. He's literally sitting around deciding whether sex with you and a cheap but lovely place to live in is good enough reason for him to stay in the relationship for now anyway. He surely doesn't love you or care about you, else he'd have been willing to actually think of "us" and get a mortgage to go in with you on a house purchase 50/50. He's expecting you to wait for him to decide and accept his answer either way. You ok with that? I wouldn't be. I'd be telling him there's no need for him to decide anything because I'd made my own decisions about my future and he doesn't feature in them. You really think he's going to have any respect for you at all if you stay with him now?

Be very assured OP, you will be an incredibly attractive proposition for a man who is also all those things your sister said of you too (and with own property).

You can look forward to that.😘

Now it's been pointed out to him how unreasonable his request is, what matters is what he does next.

If he gets some independent advice which confirms he is being unreasonable and comes back and apologies and says yeah I didn't think that through properly.... then there is hope for the relationship.

I don’t know what else to say. What a disappointment. I really did adore this guy but I haven’t been able to look at him in the same way the last couple of nights. I worked my fingers to the bone and sold my business last year (hence why I have no mortgage and savings). Now I’m working part-time, re-training and have lots of free time and financial security. He resents this I think, why should he work full-time to pay off a mortgage when I’m working part-time and have the freedom he doesn’t have?

You earned it. He did not.
He isn't rethinking anything - do you think he is going to move out when he has it so cushy?
There's a marriage proposal on the way, with the same end in mind.

This.
And cynic in me would be asking why he doesn't want a mortgage so badly that he would risk such a blatantly silly piss-take request of you.

He wants some of your home, aka shared ownership and it's not even through the back door, it's through the cat flap.

Bells, OP. Bells.