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Original poster

So ashamed of what I’ve done

156 replies

Pamzsat · 13/05/2024 08:45

Hi,I’m 48 divorced with one daughter who lives at uni.

My mum has a form of dementia and moved in with me 2 years ago. She’s struggling more and her cognitive ability is poor now. I adore having her here but it has created a few challenges. I’m stiff employed and my income has dipped as I’m not able to work as many hours as I previously did. My mortgage also shot up last year so things are tight.

about 6 months ago I found myself in a mess with council tax arrears and also an arrears balance on my utilities. I was at risk of being issued a default so had to find £1600 quickly.

mum has a credit card that she doesn’t use so I used that to pay the balance. I did this online. My own 2 cc’s are maxed and I was unable to get another. I set up a standing order to pay the balance back over 6 months. I’ve also used it a couple more times when things have been tight.

im deeply ashamed and know that what I’ve done is fraudulent and morally wrong but I was desperate. I feel like I’ve financially abused mum as she wasn’t able to consent to me doing this. I was just so desperate.

i’m losing sleep and am seriously thinking about reporting myself. Am I over thinking this?

OP posts:
Sunnyandsilly · 13/05/2024 08:46

No. I don’t think you are. Yes it is fraudulent , you can’t just take her money or get her in debt as she’s dementia.

Original poster
Pamzsat · 13/05/2024 08:49

Sunnyandsilly · 13/05/2024 08:46

No. I don’t think you are. Yes it is fraudulent , you can’t just take her money or get her in debt as she’s dementia.

I know. I suppose in my head it was almost justified as I paid it back but I know you’re right and that I have to do the right thing and report what I’ve done.

OP posts:
JamesPringle · 13/05/2024 08:50

You know you've done wrong, and I think you should use the strength of your feelings now to sort things for your mum. It isn't going to help her if you get done for fraud. But what you DO need to do is sort out how you're either going to get care support for her, or to consider whether it's the right time for her to go into residential care. You can't carry on caring for her if it's getting you into serious debt. It's ultimately not kind for her to do that.

You need to pay that cc off asap.

StarShipControl · 13/05/2024 08:51

Do you get a carers allowance?

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 13/05/2024 08:51

Does she have any lucid moments?

I'm sure if she was lucid she'd be understanding, considering she's living with you, you're making less money looking after her, you've kept her out of a care home where the care wouldn't be to your standards.

That said pay it back & just don't do it again. Don't punish yourself.

Overthebow · 13/05/2024 08:52

No you’re not overthinking it and you know it was wrong.

fairislecable · 13/05/2024 08:52

Yes it was morally wrong and you are remorseful. Do not report it to anyone just ensure that any money is repaid. No one has been harmed by your actions.

Do ensure that you claim any allowances as a carer and your Mum gives you a fair contribution for her keep.

Its a hard time caring for dementia patients be kind to yourself.

Original poster
Pamzsat · 13/05/2024 08:54

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 13/05/2024 08:51

Does she have any lucid moments?

I'm sure if she was lucid she'd be understanding, considering she's living with you, you're making less money looking after her, you've kept her out of a care home where the care wouldn't be to your standards.

That said pay it back & just don't do it again. Don't punish yourself.

She does, but not really enough to have that conversation with her

OP posts:
OneRingToRuleThemAll · 13/05/2024 08:54

Is your mum paying keep? It's not unreasonable to take a portion of her money to help with living costs. What you did was wrong, but that doesn't mean you have to shoulder the whole cost of her being there.

Berlinlover · 13/05/2024 08:54

Go easy on yourself, I would have done the same thing.

EwwSprouts · 13/05/2024 08:57

Yes you've acted dreadfully, stealing from your mother. Pay it back and never do it again.

Do you have any siblings? I would be thinking about getting the credit card cancelled and agreeing a reasonable monthly sum as your DM's contribution to household costs as caring is impacting your time available to work.

BusterGonad · 13/05/2024 08:58

I personally don't think what you've done is that bad, you are crib for your mum, feeding her, keeping her warm, looking after her. You've got yourself into a spot of bother over money as you cannot work so much and are caring for her. If she knew how hard your life was at the moment and she could help I'm sure she would've offered you that money. Do not admit to the CC company what you have done. How much more trouble would that get you in? Your mum needs you. Just pay it off as and when you can. I don't know how anyone can think you're awful for this. I can only imagine that they're are privileged enough to have never suffered from money difficulties.

BusterGonad · 13/05/2024 08:59

*caring

sashh · 13/05/2024 08:59

Don't you report it.

You are beating yourself up.

You did something to keep a roof over your head and your mother's head.

Octavia64 · 13/05/2024 08:59

Obviously it was wrong but you are over thinking this.

Don't report yourself.

Do have a think about how it is going to work in the future - your mum will get iller and iller and will eventually require much more care and you may not be able to work.

Is she paying you rent of any kind? What are her financial affairs like? Does she get a pension?

If you are looking after her you can apply for attendance allowance.

Peasnbeans · 13/05/2024 09:01

You haven't stolen money you never intend to repay.
If your mum didn't have dementia, would she have said yes? Has she lent you money in the past?
I wouldn't report it now - it will make things more difficult for you both.
You are caring for your mum with dementia, which is affecting your capacity to work and is also emotionally difficult.
Don't beat yourself up. You love and care for her. You are clearing the debt you incurred from keeping the utilities on, which you need to care for her. Just keep on paying her back first.

Coruisk · 13/05/2024 09:01

If you've paid it back I wouldn't report it.

Your mum may also be eligible to have her council tax free: https://www.moneysavingexpert.com/reclaim/severe-mental-impairment-dementia-council-tax-rebate/

Angelsrose · 13/05/2024 09:02

Don't be too hard on yourself. I would suggest paying the money back. No need to report anything. Your Mum needs you.

PhilosophicalCheeseSandwich · 13/05/2024 09:03

You can resolve this without reporting yourself, so don't complicate matters now. Pay the credit card off asap and work out how you're going to afford to manage your situation in future.

Are you claiming everything you can as your mother's carer?

Ariela · 13/05/2024 09:03

Don't forget having another adult living there removes your right to a 25% discount on council tax.
If your mum is not contributing to bills, then I would say that's fair enough to have paid effectively her share ie the extra on her card. Do you have LPA for her? If you do then it's not an issue. Either way I wouldn't report. If you don't have LPA then I suggest you do before she is more ill.
Does she pay anything for living with you? Do you claim carer's allowance? Can you get her needs assessed for extra care help?

CBAMumma · 13/05/2024 09:04

What @OneRingToRuleThemAll said. You are entitled to take some money to cover living expenses. Ask CAB or there are some good facebook groups for advice (Safeguarding Futures Health & Socialc Care Support is one) as as far am I'm aware there are probably some guidelines around this.

Also are you claiming Attendance Allowance and possibly carers allowance?

I think you were desperate and did what you had to, but it's really not the right thing. Have a look and see what financial help you might be enititled to.

FictionalCharacter · 13/05/2024 09:05

No need to report it and cause yourself serious problems for the future. You’ve arranged to pay it back, just leave it at that.

Octagoneaway · 13/05/2024 09:07

Gosh, some of these replies are cruel. You are working less and caring for your mum. If you hadn’t used the money, what would have happened? You’d have defaulted and had more trouble, or you’d have had to find the money and you and your mum would have gone hungry and been cold. None of those things would have been better for you or your mum. You’re not trying to mistreat her or steal from her, give yourself a break.

Sounds like you need some help to keep life ticking along, but you certainly shouldn’t feel guilty for anything.

And while you’re looking after your mum, make sure you take care of yourself too! Hugs x

Mumofteenandtween · 13/05/2024 09:07

I strongly believe that justice should be victim focused. Your mum is the victim here. Can you give me one way that reporting yourself will make things better for your mum? Because I can’t.

On the contrary, you reporting yourself will make you feel less guilty but will also make life harder for you which will then impact on your ability to care for your mum and so damage her.

Put your mum first. Think about how she can be cared for in the long term in a way that is sustainable without you collapsing with exhaustion.

IneffableCuriosity · 13/05/2024 09:08

Does your mum claim everything she is owed like PIP etc? If her cognitive ability has declined, have you informed them as she could be entitled to a higher rate?

Do you get carers allowance and universal credit as there is a disability element as you are caring for your mum?

Is your mum contributing towards her living there? Please try and get in touch with your local carers centre for support and advice.