So ashamed of what I’ve done

[Pamzsat]

Hi,I’m 48 divorced with one daughter who lives at uni.

My mum has a form of dementia and moved in with me 2 years ago. She’s struggling more and her cognitive ability is poor now. I adore having her here but it has created a few challenges. I’m stiff employed and my income has dipped as I’m not able to work as many hours as I previously did. My mortgage also shot up last year so things are tight.

about 6 months ago I found myself in a mess with council tax arrears and also an arrears balance on my utilities. I was at risk of being issued a default so had to find £1600 quickly.

mum has a credit card that she doesn’t use so I used that to pay the balance. I did this online. My own 2 cc’s are maxed and I was unable to get another. I set up a standing order to pay the balance back over 6 months. I’ve also used it a couple more times when things have been tight.

im deeply ashamed and know that what I’ve done is fraudulent and morally wrong but I was desperate. I feel like I’ve financially abused mum as she wasn’t able to consent to me doing this. I was just so desperate.

i’m losing sleep and am seriously thinking about reporting myself. Am I over thinking this?

She lives with you. And I assume you have POA? So, you can use some of her money to support her living costs. You absolutely cannot use it to cover your living costs, but work out what extra she costs you, be able to prove that, and then you can take a contribution. Her money is to support her, so it’s ok to use it to pay for her living in your house.

Just pay it back, the repercussions of reporting it could cause major problems for you. Do look into finding out what help you can get.

What on earth would be the benefit of reporting yourself?
Also under normal circumstances an adult living in your home would pay rent. I think she can't get housing benefit to pay close family but if she has a private pension is there anyway she can legitimately pay her way? Even if just the increase in council tax from there being a second adult in your home is costing you more - my parents would want to pay their way especially if it was causing me hardship but I don't know the rules - could citizens advice help you?

I really wouldn’t feel a bit guilty about this. There are two adults living in your house, and you’re the only one working and now have to work less to care for her. She should be contributing financially, a fair amount though. Not random amounts when you decide you need extra money. A fair amount which you can prove is fair.

If she didn’t have dementia and you’d asked to borrow the money, what would she have said, if she’d have happily lent you it toget you out of debt, which lets be honest, lots of parents would, then stop worrying, it’s the fact she couldn’t consent that’s causing you stress, it’s happened, now concentrate on getting out of debt instead of beating yourself up

Okay, deep breaths.

Is your mother paying board/rent etc?

You are perfectly entitled to receive payment for your mother accommodation and for being her carer. Have you applied for carer allowance? Attendance allowance?

Do you have power of attorney for finance?

I would not report as you be opening a big can of worms, its unnecessary stress for you and your mother.

Honestly OP, I think you're beating yourself up over nothing. You haven't stolen her money, you borrowed it and paid it back - there is a difference. Plus, she is living with you and presumably you're paying for everything for her - her food, utilities, council tax, etc. Are you claiming all that you're entitled to as a carer? Please go to this website: https://www.entitledto.co.uk/ and make sure you are, or speak to the CAB. And don't report yourself. How the hell is that going to help you or your mother? You were desperate, you borrowed money from her and now you've paid it back. Presumably, if she was compos mentis, you'd have asked, but since she isn't, you didn't.

Not justifying using the credit card- because I don't really think you can- your only choice if she can't consent it being used is to cut it up, and stop using it- but do you receive any financial help having her living with you? There would be (in my mind) no issue using part of her pension for bills and living expenses and she does live there.

What does your mum contribute to household expenses? She should be contributing something. We kept my mum at home with my dad when she had dementia. She paid all the utility bills and he paid for food etc. You need to get a formal power of attorney over her finances (and health and welfare for that matter) by the sounds of it.

Is she entitled to carers at all to aleviate your load - it doesn't have to be personal care - you may be able to get someone to sit with her for a few hours a week to enable you to focus on work. Is your mum getting all the financial help she is entitled to? Attendance allowance for example is not means tested.

Your wrongdoing is panicking and putting your debt on her credit card - you need to think about it more and work out what her contribution should be and put that into place properly.

Only you know if you have done somethjng morally wrong - my mum would have been pressing her card into my hand herself - luckily i never needed to borrow her money after she got ill but i can completely see how this might arise.

OP you are doing a wonderful thing caring for your mum in your home and it is very difficult. Many people would not choose the option you have - hence why so many old people live alone not coping. I wouldn't be reporting the credit card but i would be looming at this as a flag that you are not coping financially and see what you can do to make the situation more manageable.

@Pamzsat
Please don't beat yourself up over this. You didn't use the money on something frivolous - you used it to keep a roof over your mum's head. You're struggling financially like a lot of carers do.
Things to consider:
How old is your mum?
Have you claimed Attendance Allowance for your mum?
What's your mum's income?
Is she paying a portion of this to you for bills?
Someone further up mentioned Council Tax exceptions for certain disabilities so check with your local council to see if you qualify.

Honestly, you are NOT a bad person so don't even think about reporting yourself - you were desperate not criminal xxx

My parents would be the first to help out if I needed it. I cannot imagine anyone taking it further if you reported it. You’ve paid it back, you know you did wrong, but tell me who hasn’t done something they shouldn’t. As everyone has said, make sure you are claiming everything for your Mum, attendance allowance, carers allowance etc and maybe set up regular rent payment from your Mum.

As others have said, council tax not payable as your mum has severe mental impairment .. you may get a rebate. Attendance allowance could be payable.

Where is your mother’s pension going, surely that is a household asset, same as your salary is?

all the best with getting this sorted

This. You were using it to pay essential bills to keep a roof over your mum's head not to splash out on yourself. You shouldn't feel guilty at all

Whatever you do, don’t report yourself! Get it paid back and then forget about it.

Make sure you’re claiming everything that you’re entitled to.

And start sleeping soundly again! No reason not to. 💐

Amazed how judgmental some of these responses are. You're doing your best under difficult circumstances, OP. Don't beat yourself up.

yes you shouldn’t have done it but you’re providing your mum care and got desperate. Get the card paid off then cancel it so it doesn’t happen again.

Is your mum paying towards rent,food, utilities etc? Do you have power of attorney for her?

Is she claiming attendance allowance? (If not then claim), if she is have you looked at whether you can claim carers allowance? You may be able to get a council tax deduction under severe mental impairment for your mum and being a carer for you.

Contact your local carers centre and ask them for advice about benefits and respite. There is help out there but you need help to show you.

Don't report yourself. Pay it back. Do you have POA? It is completely fair that your DM should be contributing to household costs. When DMum lived with us she gave me £500 per month - covered everything, share of bills (and we had heating on far more than we would have done if she hadn't been with us), all shopping, so food, toiletries, treats etc. She reckoned it was the best £500 per month she ever spent!

If you're working much you probably won't be entitled to carer's allowance but do ensure your Mum is receiving everything she's entitled to.

Have you paid it back? If so I think you should move forward and absolutely never do it again but forgive yourself. If you haven’t paid the money back do so before any other expenses.

Do you get help towards your mothers expenses?

Just pay it off and cut it up OP.

Are you claiming everything you can for your mother, is she paying her way. She'll still be getting money.

Feel better now?

Ignore all this. Poster is just loving talking down to someone and being dramatic.

Your mum needs to contribute to household costs. Not through credit but with her pension etc. You didn’t take a contribution from her and got into a mess, so used the credit card. It’s done. You paid it back from
your own money. But going forward, you need to take money from your mum to cover her expenses and rent for living there.

Do not report yourself op. Just pay it back and move on. You were desperate and you're in a really hard position. Are you getting all the financial help you are entitled to to prevent this happening again?

@Ladyj84
How's the oxygen up there? You know from your exceedingly high lofty height of 'morals'?

There but for the grace of god go I..

Op, ignore this sanctimonious wall of text