So ashamed of what I’ve done

[Pamzsat]

Hi,I’m 48 divorced with one daughter who lives at uni.

My mum has a form of dementia and moved in with me 2 years ago. She’s struggling more and her cognitive ability is poor now. I adore having her here but it has created a few challenges. I’m stiff employed and my income has dipped as I’m not able to work as many hours as I previously did. My mortgage also shot up last year so things are tight.

about 6 months ago I found myself in a mess with council tax arrears and also an arrears balance on my utilities. I was at risk of being issued a default so had to find £1600 quickly.

mum has a credit card that she doesn’t use so I used that to pay the balance. I did this online. My own 2 cc’s are maxed and I was unable to get another. I set up a standing order to pay the balance back over 6 months. I’ve also used it a couple more times when things have been tight.

im deeply ashamed and know that what I’ve done is fraudulent and morally wrong but I was desperate. I feel like I’ve financially abused mum as she wasn’t able to consent to me doing this. I was just so desperate.

i’m losing sleep and am seriously thinking about reporting myself. Am I over thinking this?

This ^
You are not overthinking. Relaaax.

This! The reason money is so tight is you're caring for your mum which is a massive thing causing a huge amount of pressure. Give yourself a break, pay it back when you can and think about whether it would be fair to use a small amount of her pension etc towards the home/food which only seems fair.

As pp's have said don't worry about what's happened, draw a line under it. Make a plan going forward. It's very hard caring for an elderly parent and it takes a physical and mental toll. This will be so much worse if you are struggling financially.

Get advice from CAB or your LA's welfare rights and ensure your mums income is maximised. Check if you are entitled to carers allowance. Look at getting an SMI exemption from council tax for your mum.

If you don't have LPA and your mum doesn't have capacity then you may need to apply to the Court of Protection for Deputyship. If she has no assets or income other than state pension/ benefits you may be able to get by without this as her appointee. Contact the DWP for this.

Ensure you have calculated the cost of housing and feeding your mum and once you have something above set up you can set up regular payments to cover this cost from your mum. Use her money to pay for anything you are purchasing for her. Don't feel guilty about doing this.

A few things to unpick here. Yes it is financial
abuse. It is good that you recognise that and that you have paid it back. Whilst you cannot benefit from being your Mums POA you also should not be at a disadvantage. Collect carers allowance, absolutely claim the CT exemption for her dementia and get the refund on as much of those 2 years you can. You should work out a reasonable contribution to her living costs and formalise the arrangement - it may be that her CT exemption is more than adequate to offset that.
Keep a log of all transactions and financial decisions. You now that her finances aren’t a piggy bank for yourself - if you don’t trust that you won’t do it again then give up the control to her finances now, otherwise take this as your wake up call and go forward from here as it should have been.

I'm really confused as to who you are intending to report yourself to

You've paid the money back

You won't do it again, I assume (cut up card?)

Who would need to know about this event?

Does your mother get Attendance Allowance? If not put in your claim immediately. If you ring the helpline to get the forms, if successful, your claim will start from the date of the phonecall.

Also, if your mother has a dementia diagnosis, you can apply to your Local Authority for a Severe Mental Impairment Council Tax discount. They can backdate it to the date of diagnosis or her moving in with you (whichever is applicable). It should ne a minimum 25% discount.

It is hard being an unpaid carer and made worse by the very limited resources available, and that it is so very hard to actually find any information or help. There is a good FB group called Mobilise which has good support.

I think if you pay it back you aren't stealing. You are trying to keep things together for your Mum and if she had full understanding I'm sure she would not have objected. Just don't do it again.

Don’t report yourself.

Your mum lives with you, so you should be taking part of your living costs including utilities from her income. However, you do need to pay off what you’ve taken.

Work out how much your mum should be paying for utilities etc.

Are you due a council tax reduction?

People with significant dementia don’t pay council tax. Not sure what the position is with children - have never had any. A GP letter is usually needed to get the reduction and can be backdated to an extent.

if your mum were able she’d have given you the money for that debt. You made a mistake.

Pay off the card. Sit down, work out your costs.

How far are you off paying off the debt or have you already cleared it? Can you speed up this process in any way? Is your mum lucid enough to agree to this and help you if you come clean to her?

I understand the desperation you must have been in to do this so I'm not judging. But I recognise that you urgently need more support either through residential care, claiming some of the funding that your mum is entitled to or other options. And unfortunately I also know that many of the charities / support services for older people in your mum's situation are on the lookout for fraud of this nature (reviewing bank statements etc) so the longer this goes on for the more likely you are to be caught out.

When we got support for my grandmother from a charity for older people to access funding for her the lady who worked there said that they are regularly picking up cases of fraud against older people by their relatives and reporting it. We did think the charity's attitude towards it was very harsh considering it led to the prosecutions of family members caring for older relatives (in some cases they told us about the relatives who were prosecuted were very old themselves e.g. someone in their 70s caring for a parent in their 90s)

I don't mean to scare you but I wouldn't seek any external support / involve any external agencies until you clear the debt and some time has passed.

I’ve re-read your post OP. Your mum should be paying half the bills and you should be entitled to that council tax reduction.

How about actually reading the OP’s posts before writing posts purporting to be worried you are scaring her?

She repaid the credit card.

Give yourself a break. You now in your heart of hearts that your mum would have given you the money had you asked her to. What you did was to benefit both of you, she lives with you, remember? You are paying it back to her. I agree with@Ariela , "Don't forget having another adult living there removes your right to a 25% discount on council tax.
If your mum is not contributing to bills, then I would say that's fair enough to have paid effectively her share ie the extra on her card."

If your mum has lucid periods, you could ask her if she'll help out financially - that might help set your mind at rest. As others have said, your mum needs you.

For goodness sake, don't "report" yourself. What good would you being done for fraud if you get an officious police person? You got into a financial mess because you are caring for and no doubt paying for your mother's food and her share of the utility bills. I am sure if your mother did have capacity she would have gladly advanced you the money. I do think though it may be time for you to make arrangements for your mother to live elsewhere as the situation is only going to get worse. You don't want to lose your house or income earning capacity. You have your own daughter to think of too. In the meantime, I think you should claim everything the other posters have suggested and see if you can get a council tax discount/refund.

Not the answer to the OP but are you making sure you're claiming whatever you can? Do you have a support system in place?

Report it to whom? Are you power of attorney? I’d pay it back and cut it up.

Is the problem though that your mother is not contributing anything to the household finances so you have to pay for her food and the additional use of gas/electricity/water caused by having someone else live with you?

Taking care of her has also affected your ability to work so it sounds like you have taken a lot on to care for her in your home and it is affecting your financial stability.

It not have done your mother any good if you had defaulted and were at risk of building up debts. It would have made your precarious financial/living situation, and by default hers, even worse.

Make sure you claim everything you can in term of carer allowance and other benefits.

You might also need to have a hard look as to whether you can really continue in this situation much longer and whether your mother would not be better getting an assessment from social services and living in home.

A lot of people on this thread jumping on their high horse by the way...

Shame on you

Don't report it and stop beating yourself up.
Your mother should be paying 50% of all household expenses plus any extras needed for her disability.
When my mother in law lived with me and my husband run she paid a third of expenses plus any extras that were just for her.
Social services were aware of this. If they didn't like it, they were welcome to find and fund a care home for her.
Also, don't forget that you can get a discount on your council tax for your mother living with you and you being her carer.

She hasn't stolen from her mother unless she's using her mother's money to pay this back.

She's clearly in financial dire straights, she's even said she couldn't get any more credit cards so it's clear she tried this first. Has she done the wrong thing here absolutely but from what she's written here it doesn't suggest at all that she's stolen from her mother.

OP never do this again, go bankrupt first. Seek help straight away from a disability charity and benefits adviser. For instance with universal credit i think you can get help with the Interest on your mortgage, you still need to pay the principal sum but that should lighten that load. You can also I think get council tax help if your income is low. There are online benefits calculators that can give you an idea of what help you can get.

When this debt is repaid call ss and ask for some assistance with day care or rest bite so you can work more. Your very clearly exhausted and not thinking straight. What's abundantly clear is that you feel terrible about this and it was a last resort. If it makes you feel better to report this then do so, if your prosecuted I would be appalled who would care for your mother then, it is possible you would be but I think even in that situation given how much your mum needs you and the fact you didn't use her money the sentence would be light.

Op if she was in state care everything you do would be costing the state thousands each week.. You need to keep the ship afloat for you both, I'm sure it's much better for her to be with you.
You have resolved your crime, making efforts to pay it back, don't report it and make sure you're getting all the benefits and help you are entitled too.

I'm sorry, it was a small mistake in the grand scheme of things...

I don't want to scare her. But a lot of external agencies providing support services for elderly people do review bank / financial statements (so will still go back into the past and may pick up on it regardless of it now being repaid) and can be overly harsh / protective over the older people depending on how you look at it. I have known people be reported for far less than this. I don't know how far back they go with financial statements so I would be very mindful of this.

As I said in the original post, if her mother is still reasonably lucid I would consider coming clean to her mother even if its repaid so the mother could back her up if anyone ever questioned this.

And also OP you used this money for council tax and utilities, not a new car and new clothes so bare that in mind because I'm pretty sure any judge would to ok, But be kinder to yourself here. Hopefully its paid back now but if not pay it back ASAP and cut up the card today.

Yes, you've done wrong but don't report it. What is the point of that? You've paid it back. Cut up the card and that's the end of it.
If you report yourself it's going to open up a massive can of worms.
Don't do anything like that again.

But if the OP goes to a disability charity to get support in applying for benefits / Attendance Allowance they are likely to review the mothers' financial documents / bank statements.

The charity who supported us to apply for Attendance Allowance for my grandmother was very thorough and reviewed everything. They said they regularly pick up on financial fraud / stealing by families during this process and report it.

It's an awful situation but I think OP needs to apply for benefits / Attendance Allowance for her mother without external support or try and check what financial documents any external agencies would need from the outset to avoid this coming to light.

The only other option would be if OP's mother was willing to cover for her but it sounds like that may be difficult to broach with her.

Surely if they could see it was used to pay the electricity and gas bill that isn't the same as a new car new clothes etc?
To me financial abuse is going out buying yourself luxuries whilst leaving your disabled relative short of money and essentials? In this situation this poor disabled lady also needed gas electricity and the bins collecting?

Don't get me wrong this was without doubt the wrong thing to do and should never be repeated but she was at the end of the day trying to provide for the person aswell as herself and she has repaid using her own money?