So ashamed of what I’ve done

[Pamzsat]

Hi,I’m 48 divorced with one daughter who lives at uni.

My mum has a form of dementia and moved in with me 2 years ago. She’s struggling more and her cognitive ability is poor now. I adore having her here but it has created a few challenges. I’m stiff employed and my income has dipped as I’m not able to work as many hours as I previously did. My mortgage also shot up last year so things are tight.

about 6 months ago I found myself in a mess with council tax arrears and also an arrears balance on my utilities. I was at risk of being issued a default so had to find £1600 quickly.

mum has a credit card that she doesn’t use so I used that to pay the balance. I did this online. My own 2 cc’s are maxed and I was unable to get another. I set up a standing order to pay the balance back over 6 months. I’ve also used it a couple more times when things have been tight.

im deeply ashamed and know that what I’ve done is fraudulent and morally wrong but I was desperate. I feel like I’ve financially abused mum as she wasn’t able to consent to me doing this. I was just so desperate.

i’m losing sleep and am seriously thinking about reporting myself. Am I over thinking this?

@Pamzsat Stop beating yourself up. You used the Credit Card towards Council tax arrears and utilities which benefits your Mum as well as yourself. You are paying or have paid it back and reporting it will absolutely not help matters. At All. If your Mother isn't already contributing to the household expenses, then it might very well turn out that what you did wasn't even morally wrong, since she should have been contributing for the last 2 years.

It does sound though that you have real financial difficulties and you need to keep on top of those for both your sakes.

a) How does your Mother reimburse you for the extra expenses she costs you - from extra Council Tax, extra heating if she feels the cold ( many older people do), food, toiletries, laundry powder, loo paper etc, going out places for her benefit? Petrol for the car taking to appointments etc? It is perfectly reasonable to take reimbursement for these things. Also for the number of hours you cannot work, because of your caring responsibilities, leading to a drop in income for yourself. Your Mother's income should be paying for all this. Calculate it all and get the extra paid directly to you, weekly or monthly. Just keep a detailed note of what is being spent on her behalf, in case it is queried by anyone further down the road.

b) Do you have POA ( financial) for your Mother? That would make the above much easier to manage legally. It sounds as if her dementia is too advanced to allow one being created now, sadly, if you don't.

c) Do speak to Citizen's Advice about what benefits she and you might be entitled to.

Hope things sort themselves out and soon. It's a very kind thing you are doing having her live with you, which won't be easy and will get more difficult as time goes on, but you do need to sort your financial situation as soon as you can. It will help to deal with some of your stress

Just read that you paid it back already.
Honestly don't give this another thought.
It sounds like you are doing a Wonderful job looking after your mum.

Your DM will be eligible for council tax exemption due to the SMI rule, so look into that asap as that will really help
I have bipolar and am exempt
I don't think you acted fraudulently at all
( legally, but your actions are wholly justified)
You have sacrificed a lot, please don't sacrifice your MH too

Also if you don't already please claim attendance allowance asap
This replaces PIP in people of your DMs age

Yes you're over-thinking this. You've paid it back right?
Don't give it any more head space.
Reporting it isn't going to help anyone.

OP: Have you had a Needs Assessment from Adult Services?

They should send a social worker to assess your Mum's needs and offer any council help she is due. Maybe arrange an OT assessment to see if there is equipment she could benefit from.

Without disclosing the use of her bank card you could discuss with the social worker how to manage financially - explain the drop in work hours and income that caring for your Mum has caused and how this causes a struggle. Ask how you can legally draw down your Mum's money if you do not have PoA. Then you have back up that you have done things officially.

Does your Mum have savings of more than £23k? If so she won't be eligible for any visiting carers paid for by SS, but Attendance Allowance is non means tested.

Are you an appointed attorney for your mum? If you are attorney and have done this, you will need to report to opg as part of the annual report of all transactions and you will ultimately end up like needing to forfeit it, financial abuse.

If you aren't attorney then you don't have authority to access accounts so fraud/theft/financial abuse.

Either way, if the police got wind of it, you would very likely be arrested. They take this sort of thing very seriously. There would also be a safeguarding referral to the local authority.

Those folks that are saying you are overthinking it are seriously misguided! The courts take a dim view of financial abuse and this very clearly is financial abuse. The law is there to protect vulnerable people against exactly this sort of harm!

She lives with you and you really needed it. Tbh, I would have done the same thing in your situation. I would know my mum would understand if she didn’t have dementia.

@decionsdecisions62 she didn't permanently deprive her mum of money, she has given her mum money by giving up working to care for her! She paid it back. Where is the 'harm'?

I hope my daughters do this when I have dementia- care for me, use my money to support me and them and have a strong moral conscience.

Sorry, NRFT. On the surface, I would say that as your mum is living with you (and has been living with you for two years), then she should be paying a decent contribution towards costs, especially as one of the implications is that you have had to reduce the amount of time you can work (and hence income). And I presume that had she still been living independently, then she would have had to have paid a substantial sum each month for carers etc. So I think it is completely reasonable that your mum should contribute to costs, but this should be done on a formal footing, and not behind your mum’s back. I think you should talk to your mum about it (does she still have any lucid times?), and you also should pay back the amount taken. But should also agree a contribution from your mum on a monthly basis (and maybe agree to have this backdated, perhaps this would cover the credit card sum). I have no experience of dementia in a parent, so apologies if my suggestions are not at all realistic.

Pay it off. You don't need to report yourself who will benefit from that? I'm sure your mum would understand and not want you to be so stressed out.

Make extra payments to the card whenever possible to pay it off sooner if possible. In order to do that, take advice now from mn, online groups, etc to make sure you're getting all help and benefits both financially and support, for your mum, to enable you to work as much as you can. Speak to GP, SS everyone, to get her more care.

Oh love. You’ve paid this back and you are doing your very best to keep a roof over your mums head and look after her. Don’t even this about this again!

Get the legal aspects of your mums finances sorted asap. If she was in a care home she would have to pay. You may be entitled to carers benefits. Speak to someone who knows what they are doing. Maybe start by looking on some dementia charity websites. They might explain things in simple terms or even offer free legal advice.

You need to be kinder to yourself, living with someone with dementia is difficult even when you love the person dearly. Are you claiming carers allowance, does your mum claim attendance alloance and I'm sure you can reduce your council tax if someone within the property has dementia. There are so many people who don't realise just what they can claim for, give CAB a call to double check everything. Best wishes going forward, you can only do your best.

This was not aimed at you OP!! What so ever sorry I meant to quote somebody else

@Pamzsat Don’t report yourself fgs! What good will that do? Potentially land you with a prison sentence and who will care for your mum then?

Get things in perspective, pay it back, don’t do it again.

You can get a disregard for your Mum as she has dementia. If you and her are the only adults in the property this will get you a 25% discount. You should be able to get this backdated. You need to call the council and ask for a disregard form for severe mental impairment.

Guardians have to make an annual report of Finances carried out. POA holders do not - although they may be asked to provide accounts. They are similar but not the same thing at all

If she does have POA and hasn't taken any money off her Mum for the last 2 years for the added expenses being incurred, then I think it was perfectly within the remit of a POA to pay for the utilities and the council tax arrears to protect her mother from sitting in a house without energy.

She didn't go about it the right way, obviously, which she knows, the money has been repaid to the credit card and she is being given lots of advice on here, how she could go about things in future

Don’t report!
You are doing your best for your Mum, and making so many sacrifices.
Absolutely pay back but stop beating yourself up and come to an arrangement financially to cover everything you are losing.

Whats done is done and youve paid it back so forgive yourself and move on (easier said than done I know).

Have you spoken to your council about applying for severe mental impairment reduction as your mum lives with you? What this means is if your mum is considered by her GP to fit the criteria for having a severe mental impairment (& dementia usually is considered this), council tax is reduced by at least 25%. This can also be backdated in some cases.

Check out the money saving expert link for more details https://www.moneysavingexpert.com/reclaim/severe-mental-impairment-dementia-council-tax-rebate/

Hopefully this will help you going forwards and you may also get some money back from past years.

Good luck

It was not okay to use the credit card, however there are clearly stresses of looking after a relative with a complex illness such as dementia- there are also sacrifices you have to make which others who are not in your position may not understand.

Without that bill being paid, you may have had to deal with bailiffs or think about whether you can really afford your home - which would have an awful impact on your Mum as well as you. I don’t think people are getting the fact that not paying could have been dreadful and disruptive for your DM.

I think you need to;

• pay back the CC asap (which you have)
• ensure your DM is paying you rent
• ensure you are receiving all the right benefits
• register as a carer at the GPs
• speak to CAB or a local voluntary group around debt management and support
• check your mum is getting all the right benefits and support.

OP, I can understand how stressful it must be to look after your Mother in her condition. My mum and I look after my Gran, she is in sheltered housing so we get some space, and has a growth which is causing her to be confused. My mum already constantly straddles healthiness and a mental breakdown, and they're not living together, my mum outright refuses to consider living with her.

I know ultimately what you've done is wrong... but if my mum told me she had done the same...I wouldn't be angry, and I wouldn't think she was a bad person. It seems you did this not out of spite or in an effort to gain a nice holiday...it was desperation.