So ashamed of what I’ve done

[Pamzsat]

Hi,I’m 48 divorced with one daughter who lives at uni.

My mum has a form of dementia and moved in with me 2 years ago. She’s struggling more and her cognitive ability is poor now. I adore having her here but it has created a few challenges. I’m stiff employed and my income has dipped as I’m not able to work as many hours as I previously did. My mortgage also shot up last year so things are tight.

about 6 months ago I found myself in a mess with council tax arrears and also an arrears balance on my utilities. I was at risk of being issued a default so had to find £1600 quickly.

mum has a credit card that she doesn’t use so I used that to pay the balance. I did this online. My own 2 cc’s are maxed and I was unable to get another. I set up a standing order to pay the balance back over 6 months. I’ve also used it a couple more times when things have been tight.

im deeply ashamed and know that what I’ve done is fraudulent and morally wrong but I was desperate. I feel like I’ve financially abused mum as she wasn’t able to consent to me doing this. I was just so desperate.

i’m losing sleep and am seriously thinking about reporting myself. Am I over thinking this?

Do you have power of attorney? Has she got a formal diagnosis?

Is your mum receiving all benefits she's entitled to, and are you claiming carers allowance and any discounts available due to your mums age?
Your mum is also living there, I wouldn't view this as fraud. If the utilities turned off it would hugely impact her.
Just focus on paying it back over time and looking after her and yourself as the priority.

OP, please don’t beat yourself up.

Overall you are being a brilliant Dd to your Mum. Concentrate on getting yourself stable and able to carry on, before you drive yourself to a breakdown.

Does your Mum get Attendance Allowance? If not, apply, and see how it could be used to support your Mum in ways that takes pressure off you

Could you apply for carers allowance? It sounds as if you would meet the criteria, and this is money paid to you.

PoA as suggested by PP could help you legitimately meet your Mum’s financial needs.

Please please do not report yourself. You paid the ££ back, just focus on sorting out the future.

Well you’re obviously a person with a decent moral compass to be worried about this.
You are paying it back. She is living with you. So even if it wasn’t the right thing to do, you are making amends.
As pp are saying, take a look into any benefits that you and she may be due and also what is fair for her to contribute. You wouldn’t take a lodger in for free? And most adults with ££ should be contributing to household bills.
Ahove all, be kind to yourself. If my daughter did what you did to pay bills when I was living in her house I would not see it as a problem.

Given how little carers get paid and given how expensive it would be for the state to step in, I do not consider this immoral. It was illegal but not immoral IMO. One of the worst things about ill-health or dementia in the family is that many families become economically unsustainable, causing so much stress for the other family members- you can't just absorb another person in to your household necessarily if you are not on a high wage- I even found paying for nappie/pads which are not prescribed in high quantities on the NHS was costing £50 a month, food, heating, water, none of this gets easier, and I don't think you should lose the 25% single person discount either if the person is unable to be economically active.

All things considered your mum would have lent you the money, it is an exchange for her living costs (which are calculated by the local council as a certain amount a day, and would be way more than £1600 over, say, six months) and you can pay it back eventually.

Cut up the card, get yourself some support and help on claiming what you are entitled to and need for your mum, from Age Concern or the dementia charity.

Do not report yourself, that won't help your mum and it's hardly like you went out and had fun with the money- you used it to cope with caring for her in your own home and that, IMO, is not a crime at all, you are a very kind person.

@Ladyj84 very unpleasant post, sadly, if your grandad had given power of attorney to your solicitor clearly that had been done in advance, many people are caught out needing POA but it's too late to arrange it by the time the dementia is diagnosed, that's the nature of dementia, and berating the Op caring for someone with dementia is a mean thing to do.

Where would your mum have been if you hadn’t done it? Without a roof over her head by the sounds of it.

Pay it back and move on, people have done far worse than use some of their parents money to ensure the parent they’re caring for continues to have a home.

Are you charging your mother any kind of rent. She will have an income, take some of it for living expenses. Otherwise what is she doing with it?
My DM is moving on very soon, we are thrilled to have her, but we have lost space and we will have expenses, she can easily afford to pay the £500 per month that we are charging her.

All of this.

I agree with PP that you will just make the situation worse if you report yourself.

Pay it all back then cancel the card.

If your mum had to go into a home, then they would go through her finances, so you do need to clear it.

As so many PP have said, are you claiming all benefits that you can, and is your mum paying you to live there?

Also, get the two LPOA, you can do it yourself online , it costs £82 per form, and if your mum's income is under a certain amount then the cost is reduced. I have done it for both my parents . Some of their friends had it done by a solicitor and were charged over £1000 on top of the filing fee.

Totally agree with this op.

You haven't done anything wrong.

You know you've done wrong.
Pay it back and never do it again and take it as a lesson learned.
Could you get another job for a few months solely to clear this amount?

Don’t beat yourself up about this OP, and def don’t report it. You’re looking after your mum which is a lovely thing to do and she wouldn’t have wanted you to worry about money.

What @Ladyj84 posted is the nastiest post I’ve ever seen on MN. They have no ‘morals’ or decency to have written it. Shame on them.

OP, it’s too late to get an LPA as your mum needs to have mental capacity to give it, plus it takes bloody ages to register it with the Office of the Public Guardian. So I recommend you go to CAB or Age UK to discuss how the financing your care of your DM will work going forwards.

You’ve done nothing wrong. You are a fabulous daughter and I bet your mum is proud of you. Sleep well 😴

It's called financial abuse op! At least you feel bad!

Some of the responses on here are horrible and judgy. Clearly the people telling you what a bad person you are have never found themselves in such a situation.

You did what you had to do when there were no other options.

Try to pay back your mum's cc asap. Do not report yourself.

I would imagine if your mum were able she'd have willingly helped you out.

If your earnings have dropped because you look after her you need to be recompensed somehow. Obviously the way you have gone about it isn't right but the fact remains you will need extra financial support or else she will have to go. If she still has the capacity, talk to her about it and tell her what you have done.

She has already said in the OP that she paid it back within 6mths.

It was wrong - yes. But you have paid it back. Of course you don’t report.

Does your mum ‘pay’ keep? You can’t be expected to keep her for free! Looking after a dementia patient is bloody hard work.
Have you claimed all that she’s entitled to?

Don’t beat yourself up. You did what you had to do to keep you both housed.

The pearl clutching on this thread is hysterical. @Aubree17 read the thread! And you @decionsdecisions62 nasty comment.

I work in fraud OP- we’ve had kids spending £20 k of dementia parents savings on new cars- not considered financial abuse by social services or the police. Go figure. Stop feeling guilty. Can guarantee @decionsdecisions62 won’t be helping to care for your DM if you are in jail! I expect your DM would willingly give it to you if she knew.

This

No need to report yourself

Yes was wrong but you are paying it back

Make sure getting everything entitled to

I really don't think what you've done is that bad. You're paying it back. Do not report anything.

First things first, get yourself to citizens advice and see what you can claim.

Yes it was wrong. If you have poa for her financial affairs, the powers that be would take a very dim view.

Bit it's not wrong for her to be paying jer way. And I mean paying her way for everything she uses. Food, utilities, everything.

Also make sure you are getting everything both of you are entitled to. If she gets attendance allowance (and if not, claim it) you might be eligible for carers allowance. There are council tax concessions for people with dementia and carers for example.

Do you have lasting POA and access to your mums money? If not you should have. If you’re struggling to house and feed both of you then your mum should be paying her keep. It’s not fair for you to struggle to support yourself and her.
I wouldn’t even think twice about using the card and I’m sure she wouldn’t mind either. Make sure you are claiming all the benefits you can plus carers allowance. Honestly don’t beat yourself up over this. Would your mum rather be homeless? Or go without food? Because those are the alternatives