Found out we’re in huge debt.

[Inahole]

Hi,

in a state of shock right now. 4 days ago I found out that we are £100k in debt not including our mortgage.

Ive noticed that DH has not been himself for about 3 months- constantly tired, appearing stressed and losing weight. He’s prone to a bit of anxiety and depression and takes medication.

wevd been married 15 years. We have a mortgage, 2 kids, 2 cars and appears to be a nice life.he’s a lovely guy who would do anything for me and the kids

I knew we had done debt and that it was ‘a lot’. I knew it worries him but also thought it was under control and totally manageable.

dh earns about 97k. I earn 25k so our income is decent.

he broke down on Thursday and admitted how much we owe. I am shocked, angry, devestated etc etc

he confessed that it’s become harder to manage and he’s missed some payments/paid late. Our mortgage is totally up to date thankfully.

he’s a wreck. Crying, shaking and telling me that he’s let us down. I’ve been through everything and I can see that it’s been spent on life stuff abs nothing dodgy- gambling etc . I know that he has no dirty secrets other than the debt amount!!

my close friend colleague thinks I need to leave him and start afresh away from the debt. My mum thinks that it’s my problem too and it’s not something to end our marriage over.

any advice?

Have a look at moneysavingexpert.com forums.

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/categories/debt-free-wannabe

These guys give great advice.

Good luck

Sorry but no, he isn’t that person. I’m angry at him but also at myself. He is a lovely guy. I don’t believe that he set out to deceive me, in fact part of my guilt / pain and a that he was trying to protect me from it and desperately trying to sort it out. It’s misplaced kindness on his part, but no I can’t accept him being called a liar

OP, cant read all the messages but that is a huge amount to be in debt from ‘life stuff’. Nothing is as important as your family’s mental and physical health so you need to tackle it head on with no burying your heads in the sand. No kitchen, holiday, car etc is as important as your health. Say no to anything other than essentials for the next few years.

The good thing is you have a large combined salary (our combined salary is alot lower than yours and we’re still in the top 16% of the country). You can get out of this but you need help and support so take all that you can to get you debt free again.

How much equity is there in the house? Could you remortgage?

How could your friend think it's right even considering leaving and starting afresh when you know it's just from living beyond your means albeit unknowingly?
You'll need to both sit down and make two lists; essentials and luxuries. Then try to whittle luxuries down to the bare minimum and start paying off the debt.
It'll be a relief to your husband that you're in the know now so make a plan and stick to it.

“dh earns about 97k. I earn 25k so our income is decent.” And £100k of debt. Proportionately, you can very comfortably off DH’s income and use your income to pay off in 5 years. It’s not a debt that equates to bankruptcy. Next you would be best placed to learn how to manage your finances effectively.

But WHAT did the money go on?

Actually WHAT?

Was it all material things like:

Home improvements?
New Cars?
Holidays?
Fine clothes and shoes?

That's still an enormous amount to blow on all that though!!

Are you sure your DH has no secret gambling problems?

Yes, exactly.

It's about the equivalent of someone on £30K being £22K in debt.

Which a lot of people are, although they wouldn't be in a position to have as much spare cash. So it'd be more difficult for them.

Just be thankful your DH has such a huge salary!

Well, it’s your fault too. He fucked by not being honest, you fucked up by not being involved.

You should be working on this as a team.

Get concrete advice on how to proceed from StepChange or Christians Against Poverty. Some of the advice on here is not right in relation to marriage. You can financially separate all but the mortgage, if the loans/overdrafts are all in his name. I stopped our joint account, a joint credit card and all the debt was concentrated in my husband's name (as he took out the loans/cards!) I then had a very good credit score, and wasn't too affected financially by his debt, which was then paid off bit by bit through StepChange. I had a good credit score throughout (I strongly advise you to run a credit check, for both of you, pay for it if you need to).

Get advice from them on what your own liabilities are and go from there. We were able to pay back about half what you owe about 10 years ago on a lower salary. It can be done.

You are going to have to cut your expenditure to the absolute bone from now on. No going out, no takeaways, no new clothes (apart from dc outgrown and you can get them cheap second-hand), no hobbies, no gym. Spend the absolute minimum on food. Cancel all unnecessary subscriptions and stop paying for everything not totally essential. And I mean essential. You will have to make the best of it.

What family cars do you have, and how much are they costing a month?

A friend in debt went to Christians Against Poverty and they were excellent. Helped her work out a plan and budget and helped her keep to it. It took time, but she’s now debt-free. It‘s a free service and beliefs - or lack thereof - don’t come into it.

But loans and credit for what? What exactly was it spent on?

I'm sure it's a horrific feeling, but it is absolutely manageable to clear on your income and probably won't even take that long. You've had good advice about where to go. But what exactly has it been spent on? The mortgage?

One earner on that salary isn’t as much as people think because of tax. First thing. He needs to make sure he stays below 100k otherwise you’ll end up in the self assessment, crappy cliff edge.

A lot depends on how much your mortgage is and what agreements you have your cars on. You may not be able to remortgage with his issues.

I wouldn’t leave him for this. You both need to look at how such a huge overspend occurred. 100k seems huge to most but it isn’t spend without caution territory because of the sheer amount of tax.

Can you cancel holiday, shop in Aldi, rent out your driveway? Any cheaper options for children's activities - anything they are not very interested in they could drop? eBay and car boot sales can be very cheap for children's clothes.

Adults clothes you might be better getting one or two long lasting things than lots of cheap ones that fall apart

Be careful going down to one or no cars as public transport and taxis can be more expensive

Can't see any reason for a divorce from what you've said

Important thing to think about is meeting repayments rather than thinking about the size of debt

Below I have written a name which I can't delete

@any

This doesnt make sense. Not based in your joint income. Overspending on what? And how on earth didn't you know?

Sit down together and go through your spends. Create a budget that you stick too, you will have to make sacrifices but this isn’t the end of the world. With your incomes there will be a way out of this.

dont write your relationship off until you know the whole picture, some of these expenses must be joint and so you can also get yourself out of debt jointly.

Have you no access to your finances? £100k doesn't get racked up in a week, what has it been spent on?

I think it's both of your faults isn't it for spending without control/ keeping within budget . Why would you leave him over it? So you sort it out together and then work as a team to determine outgoings and your weekly budget.

Lots of our bills have gone up so much that o can see how it's happened.

Hi,overwhelmed by the responses- thank you!

in terms of how I didn’t know…

I did know that we had a lot of debt and that it bothered him but I believed it was all under control. I admit that I’ve been far too willing to just allow him to deal with it. The further he fell into it, the harder it was to tell me. He’s a proud guy and struggles with the thought that he’s let me down.

a fair chunk of the debt comes from our wedding/ maternity pay Gaps/ home improvements/ holidays and then just overspending. I can see that I’ve ‘looked the other way’ at times.

it just feels so insurmountable

This is a moment in a marriage where you take a deep breath and pull together. Support each other, be honest and talk properly about this joint problem.

Get to the root of the issue - is it just overspending on life, or is there an addiction problem.

If the former then sit down and write out EVERYTHING incoming and necessary outgoing. Consolidate and renegotiate what you can, switch to interest frees, and start with the smallest debt and work really hard on budgeting to make sure you pay it back. You have a decent income, make the changes you need to live within it.

You will come out the other side and you will be stronger for it.

I know you won't like this, but actually he was protecting his own ego when he let you live in a fool's paradise.

He likely felt great when you believed you could afford holidays, kitchen appliances, new coat/ shoes/ bag every so often, a cleaner, nice furnishings, gym, meals out, whatever else the money was spent on. He felt good that you believed he was a great provider and a man who had his shit together.

If he's told you he was trying to protect you from the truth and implying he is somehow a hero for that, please consider he's manipulating you.

You can still give him the benefit of the doubt, but don't be gormless. Trust but verify.

Take over the finances.
Find out where the money went.

If there is any hint that money has been hidden, there are accounts you don't know about, there's cash withdrawn and no accounting for where it went (i.e., he says he took out cash to buy lunch at work, and you also see lunch money spent using a CC or debit card that week, then you need to ponder what he was using cash for - just an example) - in short, you need to track everything down.

You need a full accounting of efforts he's made to sort out the mess.
Has he tried remortgaging the house?
Has he taken out title loans or payday loans?
In other words, has he dug the family in deeper?

If there's no cheating/gambling/drugs involved I wouldn't jump to leaving. It's a lot but based on your salaries it's probably doable to get it paid off over a couple of years. It sounds like a lifestyle creep which happens many people when they start earning more money.
Men have such an expectation on them to be providers even when both parties are working, it sounds like he got into a hole and couldn't communicate a way out.
Have a look at some of Dave Ramsey's stuff for getting help or speak to likes of step change/ CAB.
It is a lot of money but it's not unfixable xx

It isn’t. However, many people on MN think 100k is a gold mine. It’s not anymore. Mortgages and costs are so high, that is before you get onto the tax. One earner taking that chunk home doesn’t make for a free and easy lifestyle if you have a big mortgage.

By the time you have a big expense like maternity then it goes fast. You have clearly been living beyond your means.

Partly your fault yes however: it is mad that you can earn nearly 6 figures and have some nice things like a holiday and home improvements. Those things should be in your reach. Depending on housing costs, they aren’t nowadays because of the sheer amount of tax on PAYE and CoL.

Yes to this.