Found out we’re in huge debt.

[Inahole]

Hi,

in a state of shock right now. 4 days ago I found out that we are £100k in debt not including our mortgage.

Ive noticed that DH has not been himself for about 3 months- constantly tired, appearing stressed and losing weight. He’s prone to a bit of anxiety and depression and takes medication.

wevd been married 15 years. We have a mortgage, 2 kids, 2 cars and appears to be a nice life.he’s a lovely guy who would do anything for me and the kids

I knew we had done debt and that it was ‘a lot’. I knew it worries him but also thought it was under control and totally manageable.

dh earns about 97k. I earn 25k so our income is decent.

he broke down on Thursday and admitted how much we owe. I am shocked, angry, devestated etc etc

he confessed that it’s become harder to manage and he’s missed some payments/paid late. Our mortgage is totally up to date thankfully.

he’s a wreck. Crying, shaking and telling me that he’s let us down. I’ve been through everything and I can see that it’s been spent on life stuff abs nothing dodgy- gambling etc . I know that he has no dirty secrets other than the debt amount!!

my close friend colleague thinks I need to leave him and start afresh away from the debt. My mum thinks that it’s my problem too and it’s not something to end our marriage over.

any advice?

I think sometimes the higher the earner the higher the debt. It's very easy to fall into a trap of having a big income like the OP and her husband and living beyond your means because you "think" you can afford it and pay it off. Then it spirals out of control but probably difficult to comprehend when you are on a decent salary.

Whilst you are going to have to cut back and make savings, putting yourselves on an austerity budget with no clothes, outings, holidays isn't the way forward. This isn't going to make you feel any better and your chances of sticking to it will be slim. Making a realistic budget including absolutely every little thing i.e. dentist/haircuts/birthday presents/xmas presents/clothing/MOT/servicing etc is far more realistic than 4+ years of purgatory.

@Inahole I mentioned an app several pages back, it's free I think you would really benefit from it as it to takes some of the brain power away from working out what to pay off when and it calculates the best way of paying everything off so you pay less interest and chunks it up. I find the visual graphics really useful too and the countdown to being debt free with each payment. Once you've entered all the details it's just a case of updating it each time you make a payment.

It's Debt Payoff Planner (has a white bird with money notes in its talons on a blue background)

As someone’s who’s entire household income is less than your wage, it is almost inconceivable to me that someone on so much money should have any debt, let alone so much.

If you knew you were in debt but didn’t come up with a plan with him or reduce your spending to sort the debt, then you are just as culpable as he is.

You know that having debt means you are paying interest on it and it’s more important to try and clear these debts, before spending on other things.

You both need to sit down and work out a plan for the current debt and going forward how to not get into this situation again.

You both need to be responsible for keeping an eye on incomings and outgoings.

You're married so you are in this together.
You can work this all out it will take time but can be done.

If you put 50% of your husband's onto the debt that would still leave you £75k a year to live off - a lot more than most people have - and you'd pay the debt off in two years.

A bit longer if the income you gave is gross not net, but the debt relative to your combined income is very manageable.

You're still in debt from your wedding 15 years on?

How old are your children?

If this debt has been growing for your whole marriage then that explains how it has got so big.

HI OP, I also highly recommend that you start a thread on the Money Saving Expert forum linked by a previous poster. Tons of practical advice and emotional support.

That site also has a budget spreadsheet you can download to start planning repayments and basic cost of living spending. If you are willing to stay with him it's going to mean some serious belt tightening for the foreseeable future.

There is a thread by a guy called Alt80. He's a high earner and got into trouble through overspending on luxuries & lifestyle and a cocaine addiction (obviously related). He's on the straight and narrow now but his idea of 'budgeting' is still rather different from people earning the average UK wage so you might find it more relatable than the ones on much lower household incomes.

You should also make him do a credit check in front of you on the usual sites so you can be sure he's disclosed ALL the loans and credit cards. I wouldn't be at all surprised if he's not told you the whole truth yet. That debt might be even higher. I know you say you've 'gone through everything' but you can't know that until all the debts are on the table. You can't accrue that sort of debt without some serious lifestyle overspending (if it's definitely not gambling, drugs and /or sex workers). Also have you evidence he really does earn that much? Payslips/HMRC records. He's already shown he can keep a secret for a long time so I'm afraid he cannot be trusted without proving it now.

Do a credit check for yourself to reassure yourself he's also not borrowed against your name as well. (Yes that's fraud). You may struggle with believing he'd do this but just check to be absolutely sure.

Now it's out in the open you can tackle it together (if that's what you want). But he needs to prove to you, by his actions not his words, that he can stop spending and that he can live within the household income. Counselling will be helpful to help him understand why he did this and what his attitude to money is. Many people place a lot of emphasis on the trappings of success being a sign of their worth as a person and he might be one of them. Whatever the reason, he needs to do some reflection of how this happened so he and you can be sure it won't happen again.

Of course the betrayal of all this may be more that you can take and you may decide to separate, which would be understandable. I hope it works out for you.

it just feels so insurmountable

It's not, but you're both going to have to pull together and have an open, honest conversation about your roles in how this has happened and how you're going to prevent it from happening again further down the line.

It will feel like an impossible mountain right now. But you can manage this.
Now you are aware of the problem you need to work as a team and put everything on the table. You both built up the debt, you both have to work to pay our off.

They are free debt advice services who can help...but do not use one that charges you!

Or you can figure it out for yourselves. Write everything down, start a spreadsheet, work out priority debts etc.
Take one step at a time and you will get through this.

In terms of a divorce that's simply not true, it's marital debt. Same with marital assets

My dh and I earn pretty much identical salaries to yours and I can totally see how easy it is to get into this position.

We have one at university and another about to go. Driving lessons, transportation to and from work and college etc etc. Highish mortgage and council tax. 3 x teens which rack up enormous food bills, despite buying all own brands. Kids with poor eyesight, 3 x pairs of glasses plus spares. Contact lenses for sports.

Our lifestyle consists of work and dog walks, no nice meals or expensive days out now. No expensive holidays, no hotel stays.

People I know on lower incomes to us have much more extravagant lifestyles and I honestly have no idea how they afford it. We are overdrawn most months, but thankfully not in debt, but have cut out anything which was enjoyable. It’s totally shit.

This is a real eye-opener 😵

why are people accusing him of betrayal and calling him all sorts??

the OP KNEW they were in debt, she knew it was A LOT, she pushed her head further in the sand and kept on spending, leaving him to worry about the finances. She knew he was worried, but did nothing to help.

His pride stopped him telling her the extent of it. But equally she didn't ask!!

@Inahole it's NOT insurmountable but it's time to get real. There's been some good advice, but also some absolutely shit advice.

tomorrow morning, book an appointment with stepchange or CAP, then sit down and write down all your expenses and miscellaneous spending then let them help you. You need proper help. Both of those agencies are good at getting interest stopped and debt repayment deals which is what you need. It needs to be manageable not ridiculous or you won't stick to it.

its absolutely, definitely sort out able!!

why are people accusing him of betrayal and calling him all sorts??

Because he's a man

Can you remortgage and consolidate it that way?

So now you must stop spending on anything other than absolute necessities and work out how much you can pay off every month. Running up debts on weddings, holidays and home improvements is silly if you don't have the money. You earn decent money between you - so stop spending.

You'll have to go without a holiday/home improvements for a couple of years or so. Like most people do. Don't just put things on credit cards and think you'll pay for it later. As you've both discovered, that's the way to get into real debt.

If you don't have the money for it then you can't buy it. It really is that basic.

Really not wise.
Op and her DH need to work through this and make changes.
They have consolidated before, it leads to a quick fix and then debt gets run up again.
Working through it is part of a new attitude to money

I've been in debt before and whatever the amount, the feeling you get when you realise how big it is and that it's a problem, is just awful. This is what you're feeling now. What I do know is that once you have a plan of how you're tackling it, you will feel much more in control and it honestly gave me a boost knowing I was dealing with it.

The really big thing for you both (which luckily my husband and I didn't have) is that your husband's big income might well have some expectations on what you spend it on, either within your social/family circle but also maybe the work environment too. I know that some big earners work hard but there's also an expectation to play hard socially after work. If anything, it's being confident in your new financial choices that is the biggest (and sometimes hardest) thing to change.

Good luck OP and work together with your husband, there's no need for you to take this on solely, just as he shouldn't have done so previously. This is also a great way to learn new skills/information and pass this onto your children too.

He sounds like a good man who has made a mistake & been so desperate to support you + the kids + shoulder the burden that he has been killing himself on the inside. In my eyes, if you're married as opposed to cohabiting, you're a team. You face things together - for richer, for poorer.
Yes, he should have told you. But sounds like (obvi don't know your situation) his heart is in the right place.
Heads down + you can knock out the debt in 2-3 years!
Hand hold x

I second Dave Ramsey, he has some great advice on you tube.

How does that work with 40% tax, ni, student loans and mortgage?

This. 100k won’t get you flash holidays and nice house renovations any more. It should do but the tax is so outrageously disgusting on top of CoL. It doesn’t get you what it should.

Your mum is right and your friend sounds awful! Of course it's your responsibility too, as you said it's general life stuff not DH off spending on dodgy things and he is clearly upset about this and been carrying a lot on his shoulders.
He should have told you sooner but you should have also been taking more interest in the finances.

There is an app called Debt Pay off planner - the basic app is free and it’s brilliant.

You put everything in there, date, interest rates, minimum payment, etc, and choose the “avalanche method”. It gives you a strategy and tells you how long it will take to be totally debt-free, your DH will feel so much more under control if he does this (and is totally honest!)

It has an appealing “progress” wheel, and it is really satisfying when you tick off payments..