Found out we’re in huge debt.

[Inahole]

Hi,

in a state of shock right now. 4 days ago I found out that we are £100k in debt not including our mortgage.

Ive noticed that DH has not been himself for about 3 months- constantly tired, appearing stressed and losing weight. He’s prone to a bit of anxiety and depression and takes medication.

wevd been married 15 years. We have a mortgage, 2 kids, 2 cars and appears to be a nice life.he’s a lovely guy who would do anything for me and the kids

I knew we had done debt and that it was ‘a lot’. I knew it worries him but also thought it was under control and totally manageable.

dh earns about 97k. I earn 25k so our income is decent.

he broke down on Thursday and admitted how much we owe. I am shocked, angry, devestated etc etc

he confessed that it’s become harder to manage and he’s missed some payments/paid late. Our mortgage is totally up to date thankfully.

he’s a wreck. Crying, shaking and telling me that he’s let us down. I’ve been through everything and I can see that it’s been spent on life stuff abs nothing dodgy- gambling etc . I know that he has no dirty secrets other than the debt amount!!

my close friend colleague thinks I need to leave him and start afresh away from the debt. My mum thinks that it’s my problem too and it’s not something to end our marriage over.

any advice?

So work out your income and necessary outgoings ( mortgage, bills, childcare etc)

then work out how much you can overpay each month. Look at each debt,and ensure everything is as low interest as possible.

regulalry do that together.

look at lifestyle. What have you both overspent on?

Op, you haven’t answered any questions about where the money actually went? You know how much you both earn and take home, you know how much things costs. Is there a reason you did NOT know you’d spent £100k more than you both earn?

🤣🤣🤣🤣
aparently your dog takes home a lot of money…if only
I meant dh

i edited last post or I’ll have MN taking the p…

Count all the lovely things you’ve got.
including it seems your husband. This is time to show your love and that you are stronger together. Get debt managing advice and it will be gradually sorted out. In previous depressions people were posting their door keys through the homes they knew were going to be repossessed and walking away in tears. But, using the what will this look like in ten years time maxim, they are now happy with that misery in the past. Good luck.

Oh OP, please don't add shame to your burdens. No one has murdered anyone, cheated anyone, been unfaithful, or lied. Like many before you you've got into a mess - one that you can get yourself out of. This is a solvable problem. You can together emerge wiser, stronger and more united from it.

You'll feel much better when you have a repayment plan and have faced the worst. It sounds like this debt's been hanging over your DH for some time. Tackle it together! Best of luck.

That’s how I see it too. It’s a massive amount but fixable & I’m very glad it’s not purely on his shoulders now. I would knuckle down with my husband and get it sorted together.

Wow
such a lovely post for OP
Im actually quite teary now ❤️

Considering a load of debt has already been paid off, this amounts to almost a 1k a month of extra spending for the entirety of your marriage on top of 6 or 7k nett income each month. What on earth have you/he been life stuffing! Have you got a ginormous mortgage? Is the rest mainly card and loan repayments?

You've been given loads of really good advice, I would also say that you need to cut up the credit cards, don't take a debit card out with you unless you absolutely need to pay for something. Use cash if you can as I find that many people just don't appreciate how much they are spending if it's just tapping a card. I had a friend years ago who just didn't take money or ways of getting money with him unless he had to pay for something. He was really skint and knew how easy it is to waste money buying stupid stuff. You can sort this, but you need to stop buying for the sake of it and be in for the long haul.

They might not have spent £100k, loads of it might be interest, late payment charges or similar. Once things start to spiral it can quickly get out of hand.

You have a mortgage and you're not behind on the payments, so believe me, that's a brilliant position to be in when compared to a lot of other people.

Write everything down, work out what you can cut back on and if either of you could do overtime. Perhaps get rid of one of your cars, or downsize one or both of them.

Contact your mortgage provides to ask if you could borrow some to cover some of your debts. Make sure you pay at least the minimum payments on EVERYTHING and overpay where possible. Within a few years you can be debt free after this, but you have to control your expectations of lifestyle significantly.

Have an honest chat with your husband, it's a joint debt, you are partially responsible. Now you know, you can work together on same page. You can salvage this, it's not shameful but you were living beyond your means, that's all.
He told you, he wants help, people sometimes can't see a way out and I hate to say it, think death by suicide is their only escape so be kind to him too.

I would not necessarily follow the advice to “take over” the family finances as you’ve not really shown any better skills than your DH since you’ve clearly known you had high debt but haven’t been concerned about it. What he’s done is not great, he really should have come clean far earlier, but it’s not uncommon, especially when one person has the pressure to maintain things. It’s very fixable, but ideally you both need to be part of a team tackling it. Not one of you working in the dark and deciding on a plan that you maintain and monitor yourself.

Drop the shame. You’ve racked up debt but you’re going to repay it and it’s going to be fine. Go through your spending line by line as advised by many posters. Work out how much over budget you are now. See what you wouldn’t really notice cutting (e.g. subscriptions you rarely use, membership for the gym you rarely go to). See what you can easily substitute something cheaper for (food and entertainment are normally the big categories here, but also clothes, personal rooming and tech). Get your debt on the lowest interest you can. And see where that gets you. If it cuts out the over spend and gives significant amounts to pay down debt, that might be enough. If not you may need to consider more impactful things like dropping some things you like completely or even downsizing (but be careful with this - moving house often comes with significant costs that might not make it much help) and a debt management plan. Don’t over do it. It needs to be achievable and sustainable. Personally I would prefer having a few years of austerity and then being done with the debt but a slower recovery might be more manageable, especially with kids. There are several great websites and programs that can help you with it.

Also, can either of you up your income? Your DH probably has more potential there, but your family finances are going to be more vulnerable if you increase the differential between the two of you even more. Pumping up your earning capacity would be a really sound longer term financial plan.

It's obviously a Hella lot of money but it's not insurmountable. Is there anywhere you could go with your career to earn more?

Your combined income is enviable (despite what MN would lead you to believe) and there will be some quick wins I bet.

Don't poo-poo any ideas to make a bit of money (car boots, vinted etc) and with some clever budgeting (with support from the charities mentioned) you'll have a plan to get on top of it.

This isn't world ending and I don't think if you are otherwise good that it is worth ending a marriage over. Neither of you are innocent here.

I've not read all the posts but I used to work in debt recovery. It always amazed me the wives, husbands and partners who were blissfully unaware until they were blind sided. Sometimes they were the ones left solely with the debt. Your DH sounds like he's been trying to ignore it and got in too deep. Leaving him because of it when really you should have been across your finances, would be pretty cold. You didn't know because you didn't care to check. Time to wake up and take part responsibility for it. Your DH needs support and kindness. Nothings so bad it can't be sorted out. Go to citizens advice etc. Downsize your place if you have to. Sell a car. Tighten your belts. He's earning amazing money compared to our household. We're combined at approx 60k and no debt apart from mortgage and monthly card bills.
Make sure he knows you love him and you'll help sort it. Men are at a high risk of feeling like there is no other option than the unthinkable. He needs you. Good luck

How much equity is in the house? Do you live in an expensive area? You could completely relocate to a cheaper area. Get new jobs. You can buy houses for less than 100k where i live and its a nice safe area. Say you had even 150k equity. 100k or less on a house. 50k on the debt with the highest interests. And benefits until you get into new jobs, youll be able to get help with the debts more if you're not on a high income. Then get back into work and start paying it off as quikcly as possible. I know loads of people who have moved from down south with no jobs and found something when they got here.

It'll be a big upheaval but you'll get back on track much quicker.

God, I hope he doesn’t leave YOU because you also have gotten yourself in 100K of debt. It’s BOTH your responsibility, you have been very careless not keeping tally yourself.

On MSE the advice is always don't borrow more on your mortgage and risk the roof over your head. I'm not sure if it is appropriate in some cases but I'd still say go to the debtfreewannabee board on MSE and get expert advice.

@Iwasafool to that level without op having a clue? I find that hard to believe tbh.

Very bad advice from your friend. You both supposed to be a team. The debt is also your problem if you want to keep a family together. Your husband earns well enough, you both can work together to clear the debt off. I don't think you are in such a bad situation with him being a high earner. Good luck!

She did have a clue, she knew they had debt, she says she knew it was "alot" she didn't know exactly but now she does and the vague "alot of debt" is suddenly a very real £100k debt.

I think you need to put yourselves under an austerity budget for the next 4-5 years. Your entire salary should go to pay down this debt. Put your credit cards in a safety deposit box for use in emergency only. No new clothes for the adults either. No outings, no holidays.

It may feel like it but this is not the end of the world. You and hubby need to sit down and create a budget. Line by line what comes in each month and what goes out. List mortgage, food and utilities first then all your other bills excluding debt. Then list all of your debts and the minimum due on each of them. You are going to need to go through insurances and subscriptions and either get a lower price or get rid completely. If you are subscribed to sky, Netflix, prime, Disney etc pick one and cancel the rest. If anything is still in contract, put renewal date on calender and make sure you cancel or get a cheaper price. Once you have slashed and burned what you can, redo your budget with the lower numbers. You then make minimum payments on all debts. List all debts excluding mortgage from smallest to largest. Any spare money is going to go on the smallest debt until it is clear. You then take the minimimum and extra you were paying on the smallest loan and apply all of it to the next smallest loan and so on until all debt other than mortgage is gone. There are going to be no nights out and no holidays until this Is gone. If your expenses exceed your income, 2nd jobs are required. Sell stuff from the house. Scrimp and save until you get your income exceeding your expenses. Plus side, I reckon with average bills, you can be out of this in 2-3 years with your salaries. Short term pain for long term gain. Look up Dave Ramsay for help on how to snowball. The key to this is both being committed to getting out from under this, stopping unnecessary spending, good communication and reviewing your budget weekly and see what is working and what isn't. Good luck - you have totally got this x

I was in this position a few months ago.
stay calm and take a step back.
look at each debt and how it was accumulated.
Support DH to contact CAB as they can help and give guidance. They may also be able to write to the creditors and help organise a credit plan.
Work through each debt one by one.
if it comes to it- look at what assets you can sell to cover some of the debt.
i promise when you start looking at it and accepting it, it’s easier to manage.
we are using the Dave Ramsey approach and snowballing method.