Found out we’re in huge debt.

[Inahole]

Hi,

in a state of shock right now. 4 days ago I found out that we are £100k in debt not including our mortgage.

Ive noticed that DH has not been himself for about 3 months- constantly tired, appearing stressed and losing weight. He’s prone to a bit of anxiety and depression and takes medication.

wevd been married 15 years. We have a mortgage, 2 kids, 2 cars and appears to be a nice life.he’s a lovely guy who would do anything for me and the kids

I knew we had done debt and that it was ‘a lot’. I knew it worries him but also thought it was under control and totally manageable.

dh earns about 97k. I earn 25k so our income is decent.

he broke down on Thursday and admitted how much we owe. I am shocked, angry, devestated etc etc

he confessed that it’s become harder to manage and he’s missed some payments/paid late. Our mortgage is totally up to date thankfully.

he’s a wreck. Crying, shaking and telling me that he’s let us down. I’ve been through everything and I can see that it’s been spent on life stuff abs nothing dodgy- gambling etc . I know that he has no dirty secrets other than the debt amount!!

my close friend colleague thinks I need to leave him and start afresh away from the debt. My mum thinks that it’s my problem too and it’s not something to end our marriage over.

any advice?

start making a table now. Debt by debt. Include outstanding amount, date next payment is due, how much payments are, interest rate on loan, how many have been missed, penalties for missed payments, contact details/reference number for each debt, etc. get a file and get the paperwork in there so you can easily find it. If you don't have all that information for each one then put in what you have and fill the gaps afterwards.

I'd find out what is most overdue or next payment due - if there is one due tomorrow I'd focus on that first.

I'd also look at seeing which of these you can delay/negotiate a delay on but you need all the information together.

With 2 cars I'd be looking at selling one of those ASAP - and check you can get a refund on unused insurance etc

If it's all been spent on life stuff then of course it's your debt to service too, you don't get to walk away and land him with it. Yes he's been foolish but you just sat back spent money and left him to worry about it. You should both be aware of and responsible for your spending.

So a joint housed income of £122k.

Does the full amount of both wages goes into the pot? Or is your £25k 'pin money'?

The above is how my FIL and SIL both got into massive debt.

Considering your joint income, this isn't a huge debt and with a bit of forethought and planning, you can be debt free sooner rather than later. First of all write down all necessary expenditure, including debt repayments. get rid of anything that isn't essential - gym memberships for example. Look at what kind of life stuff has incurred this debt and look to change it.

As for your friend suggesting you divorce over this, I'm assuming she's unmarried and doesn't have a loyal bone in her body?

Hi- First off your debt is no one's business but your husbands, yours and those you owe money to. Bringing in the opinions of family and friends when perhaps the opinion of a financial advisor can be a wiser choice.. Does your husband hide financial matters from you or demand control over those? I am assuming that is the situation since you had no idea of either spending or wracking up debt? If not, then consider he should not be carrying the burden of financial spending and debt on his shoulders alone.

You do not mention that the debt was incurred due to gambling, drugs or other addictions (porn, gaming, etc). That your husband is a nice guy is not telling us whether there are hidden expenses and without you going through your banking statements and the debt and reconciling the two, you only have his word on expenditures. My husband's ex had a shopping addiction and hid it well because he never bothered with the finances. When he realized they had excessive debt he was unaware of they worked out a plan.

I have to assume you shop as well as he does? I have to assume you do not have a spending budget for the family that you do together? Both of you refusing to sit down together once a month together to plod a plod out the budget and then stick to it, checking expenses (yawn, boring, icky, don't have time-whatever excuse) along the way or him wanting to control the finances for controls sake or to hide spending is why you are where you are at.

Either way, this debt did not appear out of nowhere and you both need to figure out how it came to be and what to do about it so you can get financially healthy. I suggest you schedule three hours of time for the first go around to sit down together and go over all your expenditures that resulted in mounting debt and reconcile those with income. Look for cash withdrawals from checking and savings not tied to known expenses (credit card statements and checks). Those should only be in minor increments here and there for the occasional cash only stores. Write out a budget based on income after taxes and try to put 10 percent monthly into long term savings and 5 percent into emergency savings. Make a payment plan for each type of debt, paying more than just interest each month and then see what you have left and work with that, not spending a penny more. Every budget needs to include vacation savings even if it is a staycation, healthcare expense (take last years and divide by twelve to get a rough idea), fun money for each family member to spend on hobbies and interest, etc.. Write down every expense and then work within that budget, stretching it to make it work and not sacrificing paying down debt for excess fun money or lavish items, including vacations. Sounds like neither of you has worked with a budget. There are many free budget helpers online that will help you. Budgets are freeing because they give you a realistic approach to your finances. They are especially easy to create online and then print out and put somewhere you see them daily, preferably the bathroom mirror so as to be reminded of goals daily. Really works, especially since most kitchens are busy and such reminders get lost in activity as well as stuff. Good luck- sounds like your family needs an operating budget and goals and then to stick to those and you'll come out on top and enjoy some creativity along the way. it can be a family affair if the kids are old enough and a good teaching opportunity for older kids. If children are too young, then be sure not to bring them into the fold of your stress, especially since they are helpless to do anything about it and will take on your stress as something they did wrong. You both got yourselves into this and you can work your way out as a team.

Not sure about the idea of selling the house. Presumably with unpaid debt then credit rating could be low and therefore getting another mortgage could be a problem. Personally I'd keep the house and cut back everywhere else.

I don't get this

How can you not be aware of how much life costs yet be in 100,000 worth of debt. Surely you're living way beyond your means and turning a blind eye if it's got to this. That's if your absolutely sure your husband hasn't been spending money on something else

Honestly this thread makes no sense.

If it's just lifestyle creep, it's fixable!

Seems with your incomes you should be able to resolve this and pretty quickly. I don't know how much you mortgage/ house is, but perhaps the simplest thing to do would be to downsize, get rid of one car and surely that will mean you'll pay off most of your debt.
It's done now, but if you work together you can definitely and reasonably easily, get this debt down

Exactly this

Strictly speaking the debt may be in his name, but leaving him alone with it would be a pretty rotten thing to do if the money really has gone on things you've jointly enjoyed

If it's any consolation I've spent the last year drastically cutting our expenditure as my husband lost his job - we've cut a £100K salary out of our family income. As I lost my income completely during Covid we've had money ups and downs so I feel like I have developed some "skills" in being skint. It is doable. I monitor our spend very very carefully - we have enough with my income of £75K (family of 4) to live a comfortable life and I kicked myself at how much I had been wasting. It was horrible to begin with but in a funny way I sometimes quite enjoy the challenge of maintaining the most important bits of my lifestyle at lower cost.

You don't have to have a miserly life just realise that we are in a consumerist society that wants us all to sleepwalk into debt. You can't change the past but can start a different path now - it's a bit like obesity not the fault of the individual but capitalist society that pushes convenience UPF. It will be a bit painful to think about doing things differently and maybe going on a money diet is a good way to think about it.

There is so much stuff in our society, it is actually much better for the environment to buy second hand. I've been looking at the Oxfam online bookshop and bought half of my son's uni reading list there - most textbooks were £2-5 instead of £25-30 new. The reason I started looking now is because I seriously plan ahead - this is really important when money is tight. The big expense of him going to uni will be spread over the next six months as I look for bargains for the stuff I will need to buy/borrow or steal from our house/my Mum's house. Sell the stuff you are not using on Vinted then you can use that to buy new clothes - literally new/new with tags at no cost.

If you have cars reliable brand, eg Toyota, but old is a huge way to save money. My Toyota is 15 years old and still going strong. Never get loans to buy things like cars or kitchens, always save up. It's a change of mindset from "now I earn a good salary I can buy a nice car/clothes brand/house in nice area/ go out to eat" to "I want to have as much financial independence as possible so I spend the least possible for the maximum utility". That is not always the cheapest. For example, I will buy high SPF face cream - but not expensive anti-wrinkle cream. Not the cheapest thing (that would be a cheap face cream without SPF) but maximum utility vs cost. I only buy organic meat for my kids but I bulk buy when on special offer. I buy most veggies from Lidl apart from the root ones where organic is more important (and even they sell organic carrots now).

You might also want to look at what percentage of your debt comes from different areas: so cars/home mprovements/ holidays/ childcare/ eating out & takeaways/ clothes/ gadgets and then interest. You need to understand your spending habits to really cut your debt more quickly. The frugalwoods website has good case studies with advice on how to get out of debt - ignore the americanisms - the really useful bit is the way she divides all expenses into necessary or discretionary, and for each expenditure line thinks about how to reduce to the minimum. This case study is a single person on a much lower income than you with $100K debt:

https://www.frugalwoods.com/2023/06/30/reader-case-study-special-education-teacher-in-debt/

She does a free monthly 30 day uber frugal challenge you can join. You would really benefit from doing a line by line expenditure audit.

Finally, and most importantly never let just one of you own the financial responsibility. It's not fair on one person to give them that burden and leaves the other person very vulnerable. What if your husband had died suddenly? Do you have access to all passwords and accounts? I would also use this as an opportunity to make sure wills, life assurance with each other as beneficiaries, income protection etc are in order.

Stop confiding in people - you'll regret it. Take over the family finances, get debt advice and get repayment plans in place. I would try not to split but I'd never let him have access to money again apart from a small amount of spending money.

It sounds like he’s buried his head in the sand.

I would be absolutely raging but that’s not going to help anything.

Tell him that you’ll sit down this evening and go through all of it and then make a plan.
But he needs to be completely honest about it all.

The good news is that you’re a high income family and it will be easy to clear it but the issue is going to be the interest.

It would be a good idea to go to a debt consolidation company that will freeze the interest and try pay off £2k a month.
You will be debt free within 4.5 years and still have a decent income.

You could go directly to the companies and ask them to freeze the interest if you pay X amount now and then Y amount each month direct debit.

If the cars are part of it then you could ring the finance place and ask to get rid of one or exchange them both for cheaper versions.

Sorry to hear this
What a terrible shock

When you feel a bit stronger can you sit down and look at your income/ outgoings?
Look at things you can cancel and cut out
Set a food budget etc

On those incomes you should be able to chop into it quite quickly
The debtfreewannabe threads on MSE are so supportive
It's very easy to rack up debt with dripdrip spending and often its due to MH issues
If you post everything here people can help you sort it out
Good luck

You can’t walk away from the debt. It will be deemed marital debt. And in reality some of it will have been spent on you.

The fact you don't know and the fact he didn't feel like he could talk to you about it says a lot for your marriage.
You need to sit down together and talk through everything writing everything thing down and then look for some help managing the debts. There will be people who can help you get on top of these things but you have to do it as a team.

So now it's time to tackle this as a team. He'll soon start feeling better that he's told you (a problem shared is a problem halved) and you're now in the picture and appreciate how serious the situation is.

The only way is up.

Get all the facts and figures in front of you. Look at resources recommended on this thread. Then make a plan which you both agree you can stick to.

It'll be hard at first, but the habit of spending less while paying off a debt can be quite rewarding.

I agree with this. If he is a great husband and partner and is horrified and overwhelmed by this then it can be turned around and you can move forwards together and strongly.

Keep a cool head, get advice and sort it out. You should take a stronger and more proactive role in the family finances and that will be all to the good.

He isn't 'a lovely guy' - he is a liar, a deceiver, a pretender. He creates facades to manipulate you into trusting him. You have no idea what other messes he is in because he lies and pretends and you cannot trust him. He does not live in the truth with you and has only now told you because he can't cope any more with the mess.

You need to be honest about what you have contributed to this either by over-spending knowingly or by blissful ignorance- neither is excusable.

I would never trust him again but you may be able to depending on your complicity in this mess. Either way, if you have contributed to it, you should be helping to resolve it. If you haven't, I'd leave.

Write down everything you owe - interest rates they are at- go through all the paperwork.

Work out income - then do a budget everything that has to be paid and what is discretional spending - be honest and don;t confuse the two.

That's all working out how deep the hole you are in and what tools you have to help you out.

Next you may need a financial advisor or debt counsellor advice - best option for bring interest on debt to as low as possible then go through then also look at what needs to be repaid each month by when - and how do able that is - if not then look at more drastic options - downsize house - move cheaper areas getting rid of car - up your income see if those are options.

Then track spending - cut to bone goes without saying - use apps or spreadsheet or budget planner.

Also while it seem bleak at least he told you. In my family Uncle and Aunt got in trouble - Aunt did books got herself got in such a state committed suicide her youngest girl mid teens found her - it was devastating - thing was when Uncle had a professional go over the books it wasn't dire - bad and getting worse by day but wasn't impossible to sort and within few years it was all fine.

Don't panic, OP, and no need to feel ashamed.

On your income you can probably clear this within 4 years with working it all out, teamwork, careful budgeting and management of the money owed.

Once you have a plan, and knowledge, as to how you can pay this down you will feel far better.

MSE: https://www.moneysavingexpert.com/loans/debt-help-plan/

Is there anything else going on? Has he lost his job, for example, and hasn't been earning that big wage for a while, but was hoping he'd be able to get another job so you'd never know? Just a thought.

I would want full openess about every penny of this debt, and that would include a clearscore report in his name and seeing his bank account/credit card statements. That's a hell of a lot of money without something else going on.

Then find a good debt advice service and listen to them. I would certainly be removing any level of financial responsibility from him as well in the short term - sort him out a pre-paid card so he has a set amount of spending per month so this doesn't spiral.

Seconding Christians against Poverty. I recommended them on another thread recently - I have nothing to do with them, just saw how much they helped my sister and her husband, who had a similar level of debt to you.

Your dh takes home £5,500pcm
and you take home £1770pcm

excluding pensions and any student loans

Thats £7270 pcm

Start from there OP
Minus your SLoans, reduce your pension payments
Minus mortgage and all bills.

Whats left
Cut everything to the bones and pay as much off as you can. If you haven’t booked a holiday…I wouldn’t.
If you’ve bought stuff on a whim ( and we have an exercise bike we bought during covid, never used, so you’re not alone ) that you don’t need then sell it.

This isn’t the end of the world, but you and dh need to look at this together. Family Finances really should be a joint affair so that you are both on board and one doesn’t feel like the other is ‘nagging’ about how expensive something is.

Set up a payback plan and stick to it.

As an aside. If the interest on the loan(s) are high you might want to consider moving it elsewhere, increase your mortgage etc….that sort of thing.