Found out we’re in huge debt.

[Inahole]

Hi,

in a state of shock right now. 4 days ago I found out that we are £100k in debt not including our mortgage.

Ive noticed that DH has not been himself for about 3 months- constantly tired, appearing stressed and losing weight. He’s prone to a bit of anxiety and depression and takes medication.

wevd been married 15 years. We have a mortgage, 2 kids, 2 cars and appears to be a nice life.he’s a lovely guy who would do anything for me and the kids

I knew we had done debt and that it was ‘a lot’. I knew it worries him but also thought it was under control and totally manageable.

dh earns about 97k. I earn 25k so our income is decent.

he broke down on Thursday and admitted how much we owe. I am shocked, angry, devestated etc etc

he confessed that it’s become harder to manage and he’s missed some payments/paid late. Our mortgage is totally up to date thankfully.

he’s a wreck. Crying, shaking and telling me that he’s let us down. I’ve been through everything and I can see that it’s been spent on life stuff abs nothing dodgy- gambling etc . I know that he has no dirty secrets other than the debt amount!!

my close friend colleague thinks I need to leave him and start afresh away from the debt. My mum thinks that it’s my problem too and it’s not something to end our marriage over.

any advice?

Not the end of the world OP, it's awful and a lot of money but well done on you both for getting hold of it. Your DH must've been under so much pressure. Thank God he told you, I did know someone who felt he couldn't tell his DW and did commit suicide.
You are a team - this debt was built up between you and now you work together to get it down.

With your income, it seems unlikely most appliance or car repairs or whatever can't mostly be absorbed in your monthly excess of £2k. A small buffer might be wise, yeah, but otherwise it's not putting your money where it's most useful.

Honestly I hope you're a bit more mindful about money in future and realise how good you've got it after this shock.

But if the dishwasher breaks, they can just buy a new one out of that month's income. They don't even need to go as far as putting one on a credit card.

The same goes for just about all fluctuations in costs. With other £2k a month completely spare, small emergencies can be covered by income.

The big risk is if the DH loses his job and doesn't get a new one, or is sick (but might have redundancy or sick pay entitlement). The emergency fund that would be needed to cover that eventuality - say about £15k for 3-4 months of essential living costs and debt repayments, would be far more expensive to keep in savings as it would earn a few hundred pounds a year in interest in savings, but cost more like £3k in interest by carrying a higher credit card balance to fund it.

With this income I wouldn't put it in savings, you have enough disposable income to cover costs.

Pay down your debts.

Another way that might be cheaper is a personal loan for the cards. The interest rates could be less. Speak to your bank.

I've posted this before, but here's a similar thread, from the perspective of the partner who was more aware of the debts.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/money-matters/5035964-dh-angry-with-me-over-debt-not-sure-its-all-my-fault

That poster wasn't a bad person. She wasn't a liar. She wasn't an addict. It shows how easily these things can mount up when you're on a high salary with even higher lifestyle costs.

Really happy to see your update OP! There’s a lot of voices and opinions here, you’re probably best to have a financial consultation with your bank to talk about debt, it should be free. They can give solid advice on debt repayments and a little emergency fund.

Don’t forget to have a bit of leeway/fun too. I’d set aside 100-200 a month for ‘fun’ family stuff, you don’t have to spend it all each month but keep it in an account building up. It’ll be helpful come Christmas or if there’s a family event.

Do you know roughly how much of that £2140 is going on interest on how much on that capital? Just curious as it sounds like you should be able to sort this in 2 to 2.5 years which is great.

This is crazy OP. Your income combined is crazy too you could save your entire yearly salary in fact that's what I would be doing and you can live of of some of your DH salary!

You need to be more involved about what money is being spent!

Don’t forget—you can always do a ‘mini budget’ between now and payday….add up what’s in your current account(s) today, subtract the bills between now and payday, and see what is left. Make a plan for the remaining amount to see you through to payday.

This really doesn't make a lot of sense. If your income verses outgoings really are that comfortable, how did the problem arise in the first place?

Unless you've cut something significant like £500 monthly champagne bill, there has to be more to it that that. There's a reason the debt level built up and it's not as simple as we just overspend/didn't keep an eye on things

OP did say, their wedding, lovely holidays, etc.

I think over 15 years complacency and routinely overspending could easily build up into those sums without anything sinister behind it. I mean, she says "we should have about £2300 left to overpay the debt/save/have cheap fun".

My idea of cheap fun probably differs quite significantly. 😂

I'm glad you have a plan. Do you and your husband both feel better now. I have sympathy for you both. It sounds like you will be ok.

Well done done with your budgeting, you'll have that debt paid off in a few years.

NRFT but have read your updates OP, you seem like you have a level head

one way this might have happened is your DHs £100k salary is actually more like 65/70k after tax

longer term, you would be a lot better off as a couple if you could increase your earnings to £37k (or whatever the tax cut off is to pay 40pc) and get your DH to make the bigger pension contributions for both of you (which you would get your share of if you split as you are married- just thinking of worst case scenario)

I know you are probably not thinking that right now but I think you have more visibility now and will get this paid off, just try to think of a balanced picture for your finances.

If debt is not costing you much having a big emergency fund to protect against your DH losing his job (because you earn so much less) is really critical : you could always put some on the mortgage at a point too

I am not someone who likes to carry debt myself but as there are 2 of you earning and your DH has a high income don’t necessarily sacrifice the huge tax benefit of pension or having an emergency fund for the psychological relief of paying this off vs being better off in the long run

It's still nearly a 100k more than most people earn combined!

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=rMk7CKwJ8OM&t=325s&pp=ygUaZGF2ZSByYW1zZXkgMSBtaWxsaW9uIGRlYnQ%3D

@Inahole watch this everytime you feel depressed about your debt lol. No, but in all seriousness, you can easily get out of this. Just go hard and really tackle it. A budget is a great start.

Last night I actually slept for 8 whole hours without waking up stressed!

Glad to hear it @Inahole !

I think sustainability will be super important when you're planning to pay this back, as even with a decent household income paying it back is going to take several years. What's the timeline looking like?

@Inahole

well done you and your DH.

now enjoy the sunshine today, and also make it a No Spend Day

I haven't read the whole thread but just came here to say don't turn unsecured debt (credit cards etc) into secured debt (remortgaging to pay off debts) because if you can't meet the increased mortgage repayments then your home is at risk of being repossessed. Debt Free Wannabe is a really good forum on money saving expert. Go through the statement of affairs with your income, debt repayments and outgoings and they'll suggest ways to cut spending. As others have said it's completely doable and will put you in a much better place for the future. Good luck!

We want it to be sorted within 4 years max

That's quite a positive feeling time frame right - it's not "oh it's just a year" short, but it's short enough that you can see the end coming and you'll be into the swing of things. Time seems to pass so quickly as an adult.

I think just knowing that it’s coming down will be a huge relief

We wanted to save for something once. Over 7 years we managed it. Just seeing the statement balance and the interest climb was good.

You'll feel the same as the debt slowly comes down.

You have to learn to say no to friends who want you to join them for expensive activities.