Found out we’re in huge debt.

[Inahole]

Hi,

in a state of shock right now. 4 days ago I found out that we are £100k in debt not including our mortgage.

Ive noticed that DH has not been himself for about 3 months- constantly tired, appearing stressed and losing weight. He’s prone to a bit of anxiety and depression and takes medication.

wevd been married 15 years. We have a mortgage, 2 kids, 2 cars and appears to be a nice life.he’s a lovely guy who would do anything for me and the kids

I knew we had done debt and that it was ‘a lot’. I knew it worries him but also thought it was under control and totally manageable.

dh earns about 97k. I earn 25k so our income is decent.

he broke down on Thursday and admitted how much we owe. I am shocked, angry, devestated etc etc

he confessed that it’s become harder to manage and he’s missed some payments/paid late. Our mortgage is totally up to date thankfully.

he’s a wreck. Crying, shaking and telling me that he’s let us down. I’ve been through everything and I can see that it’s been spent on life stuff abs nothing dodgy- gambling etc . I know that he has no dirty secrets other than the debt amount!!

my close friend colleague thinks I need to leave him and start afresh away from the debt. My mum thinks that it’s my problem too and it’s not something to end our marriage over.

any advice?

@Inahole it's going to be a long day. A friend cut up all their cards bar the debit ones, transferred all credit card debts to a non interest one for six months, then moved them again to another non interest which gave them another six months. Paid off each card. Took them three years mind. The office had big planners so they knew exactly where and when the money was, when how to change.

I recall a thread during lockdowns, working from home, how people cleared cards and actually started saving. Someone admitted their lunches, Starbucks, pret a manger between them were £25 a day had amounted to £6k per annum. 🙈

Great start. Just need to focus on the end goal and find a way to not stress too much - it doesn't solve anything

I actually shopped with a calculator and a notepad when we had children. I had twenty pounds a week. So it was Kwik save £8, butcher, £7, green grocer £5. I had to stick to that. Sometimes leaving without stuff. Our mortgage was 16% at that time.

It was much easier with cash

I still do this. I have the equivalent of £20 a week and add the cost in my head. Grocery budget (such as it is) is in cash.

Well done OP. You have to start somewhere. Don't forget to look at your utilities and make sure you're on the cheapest deal.

Good point we moved to Octopus, have the app. Worked out that two showers last summer when the heating was off cost £1 a day.

We also put in a log burner, initial cost £1800. But now the heating is on in the morning for a time and evening, but if the log burner is on the thermostat turns the heating off

I have a teddy bear dressing gown and a rug on the sofa if I get cold 😂

I spoke to the insurance company and reworked the policy as needs had changed. Might be a saving there as well.

If you dont do it already, online food shopping really helps with budgeting in my opinion. Looking in the cupboards and seeing what you actually have reduces waste and buying over what you need. I was shocked at how much our parents spend on the weekly shop (for houses with 2 people living there and both shop in store). We by no means buy the cheapest thing but we pretty much spend the same each week for our family of 4 (a little bit more on special occasions, Xmas etc).

Do you watch what you spend at the supermarket at the moment and budget or do you just buy whatever you want?

Best money we ever spent was getting a log burner. It warms the house better than heating ever can. We never turn our heating on in the day, only ever in the morning and night (in winter), but as you say, the log burner makes the house so warm, the heating goes off.

This is very impressive, OP. The scary thing is not knowing the situation. Knowledge is power, and it's great that you and DH are partnering on addressing this. I would predict you'll be debt free within 4 years and have significant savings within 6/7 years.

As a side note, I'd ignore any money saving advice that costs significant investment to set up. The very best thing you can do is just stop spending!

Fair enough we weren't in debt when we invested in the log burner. But husband is always looking to shave a bit off.

I do admit to M&S these days now the children have gone for food, but we also use Lidl. But we tend to cook from scratch.

I think as well as creating the budget, you need to do some work on yourselves to look at what it is, that has allowed you both to bury your heads in the sand and carry on overspending in denial of the reality of what you can actually afford.

And why one person is not really concerning themselves with it and why the other is keeping the issue secret and trying to deal with it alone.

All the budgets in the world won't work if you don't put in the emotional/relational/psychological work.

You need to take it seriously as with that income and that debt level, you will not be that far away from not being able to afford repayments and getting in a debt spiral that you can't escape from - if you carry on as you have been doing.

I am not judging you at all - I speak from painful personal experience and have been there.

Good luck. You can get out of it but it will be hard work and you will have to make a lot of sacrifices. But better than continuing in denial/ignorance.

That is wild 😮

Brilliant! And remember that goes straight on paying off the debt. Statement of the obvious, but you will reduce it: that alone is over £3k a year.

I bet you aren't the only people in this much debt with your salaries .

Presume that includes the cars ? Of so that's easily done and over spending month on month will cause this . Then rolling it into more loans .

I used to live on a new estate and everyone was seemingly loaded but there were families where they were both police etc so you knew weren't on mega bucks ..

I'd love to see some peoples finances , must be a right mess .

I'm sure you aren't the only one ! Dave Ramsey would say sell : give back the cars is the first thing to do as that will reduce your debt or your outgoings significantly.

There's lots of advice on moneysavingexpert plus meal plans etc etc some people on there have cleared this amount of debt. Have you anything big to sell ? Listed the debts plus interest rates and see what to pay in which order.

Hi do you have any equity in your home could you remortgage it ? I'm a broker . You would have to look at if it's cost effective but I imagine there's some high interest credit in there ?

You can plan your shopping with an online shop - if its too expensive then you are at home and can change the items - then write your list and go to the shop - no need for a calculator. Or do click and collect if its free

That is incredibly irresponsible advice from someone in your position. The OP hasn't given enough detail to say how they should get out of debt but has given very clear indication that they've consolidated more than once.

If they did remortgage there would be a very good chance they'd have lost their home in the next five years especially if the DH cannot work for whatever reason.

Completely agree
Consolidation aka quick fix is what promotes debt and overspending as the real issues are not addressed.
People always spend again and again

Well done to both of you for tackling this head on, it's not easy but you will get there.

Well done for taking the first steps.
Really recommend MSE forum for help on how to tackle repaying it all
I work in mortgages and seeing these huge debt numbers is becoming more and more frequent.
High earners (usually, not always) the worst offenders. We have a bit of a known joke that Accountant's are often very heavily indebted.
Often I will look at people's bank statements and credit files and think what has gone on here? But it's common, credit was cheap and people like nice things and often it just mounts up without you really realising.
Only real advice I would give is to avoid turning the debt into secured debt. Its really not the best way out.
You're going to have a tough few years and to succeed you will need a complete change in attitude and lifestyle but at the end of it you will have a great net monthly income and can then start to make some good decisions and have a stable and comfortable future. Good luck

I'm older than Google, when I was shopping like this 1 computer filled huge air conditioned rooms 😂

You're right about online shopping, except I would haggle in the butchers, buy reduced vegetables, dented tins, broken biscuits.

Maternity pay gaps any family holidays and your friend says leave him with this.

No reflection on you OP, but she’s completely toxic and is the one it sounds like you don’t need in your life.