Found out we’re in huge debt.

[Inahole]

Hi,

in a state of shock right now. 4 days ago I found out that we are £100k in debt not including our mortgage.

Ive noticed that DH has not been himself for about 3 months- constantly tired, appearing stressed and losing weight. He’s prone to a bit of anxiety and depression and takes medication.

wevd been married 15 years. We have a mortgage, 2 kids, 2 cars and appears to be a nice life.he’s a lovely guy who would do anything for me and the kids

I knew we had done debt and that it was ‘a lot’. I knew it worries him but also thought it was under control and totally manageable.

dh earns about 97k. I earn 25k so our income is decent.

he broke down on Thursday and admitted how much we owe. I am shocked, angry, devestated etc etc

he confessed that it’s become harder to manage and he’s missed some payments/paid late. Our mortgage is totally up to date thankfully.

he’s a wreck. Crying, shaking and telling me that he’s let us down. I’ve been through everything and I can see that it’s been spent on life stuff abs nothing dodgy- gambling etc . I know that he has no dirty secrets other than the debt amount!!

my close friend colleague thinks I need to leave him and start afresh away from the debt. My mum thinks that it’s my problem too and it’s not something to end our marriage over.

any advice?

You're more than capable of repaying this given your joint income.

You must be making some uncessary (and big) spendings which needs to stop.

I've noticed there are so many people like your friend who are so quick to encourage the end of another person's relationship. He sounds like a good man to me who has made some wrong decisions with the best of intentions. He needs your support, give him a hug and stand strong together.

I know its a shock, but it has to be better now its all out in the open for both of you. For him, at least he isn't keeping that massive secret from you. For you, at least you know the truth (and maybe aren't burying your head in the sand). So even though its a massive shock right now at least you are at the stage where you can start to climb out together.

Well done OP. You can do this, it might take a few years but then you'll be out from under.

In the meantime, it's clear that you have some issues as a couple - him around not living up to what he thinks you think he is, and you around self-infantilising, and a shared generalised problem with communication. You probably can't afford couples therapy at the moment, but getting used to talking about this stuff together is critical.

You Can get throw this , set up a budget, cut up the cards , phone up the people you owe money to , see if they will set up payment plans and stop any more interest. Many people have got out of this much debt, this could make you a much stronger happier couple.

Well done for taking the first step, instead of burying your head in the sand or running you’ve tackled the situation head on, be proud of yourself.

It’s a huge debt, no denying that, but keep it in perspective. Nobody has died, you/your husband haven’t killed anyone. You’re in a financial hole, you’ve got the ability to get out of it and build a great future for your children together, as a team.

I think perhaps getting some professional advice as suggested by others is a good idea, thankfully your mortgage is up to date but when it comes to remortgaging you have to be careful about having an adverse credit rating, that will decrease the amount of lenders willing to lend and in turn the rates will not be as favourable. Professionals can put you on the right track to repair any damage done to date. First and foremost get them to arrange a freeze on interest payments on money owed already, once you have an actual fixed figure to chip away at you will see a way through, and don’t agree to unattainable repayments you will fail to keep them up.

Be kind to each other, if he’s a lovely guy and great father hold onto that, there are far too many horror stories on here where that isn’t the case.

Take care. x

Whose name are they in?

Also, as awful as the debt situation feels, remember:
You both still have your health
You have your children
You have good jobs
You have considerable personal capital (e.g. the ability to earn money)
You have social capital (your mum for support, not so much the friend for advice but she's still your friend)
You probably also have assets

Basically there is a theory that there are 3 main types of capital people can have - financial capital (money, job etc), personal capital (the skills/education needed to earn money/get yourself out of bad situations etc) and social capital (e.g. friends, family, community to support you). People with only one type are extremely vulnerable, people with 2 are less so but its better to have all 3. You are actually in a really strong position because even though you are in a financially tight fix, all the other areas are doing well and you still have jobs etc. It needs fixing - but its much easier than if you had no job/no skills to easily get a job/no family to rely on for emotional support. And your husband needs to realise it too. Its not a great situation, but it doesn't sound like you are all going to end up on the streets and its a perfectly fixable situation.

If the debt had come from gambling or drugs then you would be much worse of because you wouldn't know if your husband was digging an even bigger hole all the time. But you aren't.

Its actually a good problem to have compared to say one of your family falling very sick, or alcoholism or partner infidelity etc etc because its something you have control over and can make a plan to fix as a team.

You guys earn great money, just get your shit together and it'll be sorted in 2 years.
Watch Dave Ramsey on YouTube.

Good.

I have to admit that my first thought was how on earth are your struggling with the repayments on that income.

Does he not like to say no? I wonder if its a case of you saying "Oh shall we take the kids to XX on holiday this year?" thinking you can afford it and him not wanting to say "No, we dont have the money" and just agreeing?

I ask because I have a friend who ended up in a similar situation and it came down to the fact that her husband felt that he should be able to provide a certain lifestyle, she wasnt aware that in fact it was all on credit, and he agreed to all the plans as he didnt want to admit to not actually being able to provide the life that he thought his income should be able to provide.

I am glad that you have seen your part in this by turning a blind eye. Have you told him that you admit to your part in this too? I think that that would help a lot as it takes the blame that is currently solely on him and is shared by you both.

Your friend is being very mercenary and your mum more sensible I think. If you can talk and be honest then I think that there is a very good chance that you can work through this. Throwing absolutely everything you have at the debt and cutting every corner until it is done will ultimately give a much stronger marriage as you will know that you faced it and solved it together.

Depending on the ages of the kids I would be honest with them too, to a certain point. "Unfortunately we have to spend money on important bills for a while so I am afraid that we will have to cut back on holidays and treats and takeaways" as my parents did with my sister and I when Dad got made redundant. They both said later that they were very proud of how understanding we were about it, how we never asked for a thing. They may surprise you, kids know more than you think about what is happening under their roof.

Good luck!

Please try CAP (Christians Against Poverty) they are a debt advice service open to everybody - who can help you get debt free and draw up a realistic budget. They can negotiate with creditors and get interest payments frozen as well. Martin Lewis finance guru is a patron.

You can afford to pay it back . But you also now need to know exactly what comes in and what goes out. He was plying you with a great life and you went along with it . So good luck to you both now . Get it under control.

@Inahole if your dh is prone to depression and feels overwhelmed he may like it if you and him snowball your debts. pay off the littlest one first while paying the minimum on others then tackle the next one. although it might not make sense interest wise (although you should negotiate as low a rate as possible), knowing that there is one less bill/debtor to repay is a boost and weight off your shoulders. working on the smallest debt is also encouraging and makes you want to continue because you actually achieve your small goals.
good luck.

First don't end your relationship over this. If I'm reading it right , you are both to blame. Him by trying to protect you from it and you by ignoring the problem and not knowing exactly how much debt you are in. Is there a free or close to free debt counselling near you?
It's good you have started a budget.
Also check out some debt experts. Gail VazOxlade is one of my favourite ones. Pick one that fits your family and stick with it.
Not sure the ages of your children but even little ones can learn what we can't afford it means, plus they are usually more than happy to do free activities like playing at the park or riding bikes.
Once you are back on track make sure to put some away in savings that is to only be used for emergencies

Excellent post.

Is there any hint or suspicion that he may have ADHD? It can commonly be associated with difficulties organizing finances, remembering due dates for bills, avoidant approach to mounting debt, feelings of panic as the situation worsens as opposed to grabbing the bull by the horns, shame, and depression.

Even if you’ve done a budget get advice, you may be able to say to some organisations I’ve got £100k off debt, your 20k, would you accept £7k now, and sell a car to do it.

If you are tempted to put it on the mortgage remember it’s cheaper for the short term but if you leave it there for the next 20 years you’ll pay way more. Don’t do it.

@Inahole

you are married you can’t walk from the debt. It’s joint.

talk to creditors and make a plan.

The pair of you should go and see a budgeting advisor. Get some outside eyes and help on the matter. You will both feel so much better afterwards and have a great plan.

ps I think your friend is an a$sehole. You obviously benefited by the holidays etc so why friend thinks its ok to leave your marriage if everything else is ok, is beyond me.

Why do people keep posting this?!

Its not true!

Its only joint debt if its in joint names. FACT.

So if he took all this debt out in his own name, perfectly feasible on his salary, then it is his and yes the OP could walk away and owe nothing except for the mortgage. Thats not to say that I think she should, as she is as responsible for the situation as he is, but she could.

You've had some good advice. Get budgeting.

Great news! And good on you for sticking by your man. You both created the mess together and it will get cleaned up together too. Best of luck and every happiness to you both, it will get better.

Even if your not involved in the day to day management of financial how could you not see this racking up or that you were living beyond your means?! I'm genuinely shocked you haven't if it's been this bad.
It's not because of anything 'he' specifically has done its a family crisis so no you don't leave him over this but sit down and work through it all as grown ups coming up as a plan. You can't just walk out and leave him to pick up pieces of your spending too. Get a handle on where this money is being spent. Income,outgoings listed on paper. See what can be culled. For the debt get a plan in place use a charity to help form one where each creditor is offered something a month etc. Call citizens advice they'll do the plan with you it's straightforward enough and contact companies to arrange payment plans of what you can.

OP, you need to step up and help here.
If it has been caused by overspending on your lifestyle, it sounds as if you have also been involved in building the debt.
Make a spreadsheet of all of your bills, including credit card payments, and make a budget for your daily expenditure, getting rid of expenses at work (take in packed lunches, own teabags Etc. instead of paying for coffees and lunch.)
No meals out, no holidays, no daily Costa/Starbucks, no trips to the pub, no new clothes unless essential for growing kids, see if you can sell unwanted stuff.
Overpay what you can, concentrating on the credit cards first, then the mortgage.
We did this years ago, when we were in a similar position, and within 18 months we were debt-free, apart from the mortgage, which we paid off early some years later.
Once you’re back in that position, start saving like mad (but continue to budget and try to live - slightly less - frugally than in the first “push” to clear debt, but mindful of your budget, always).

Well done for looking at the budget. As others have said, it’s both of your responsibility as both of you have been spending.

Ignorance of your finances on your behalf is not an excuse but now you’ve owned it. In doing so, you may find you take a lot of stress off your DH who will be in a better place.