Found out we’re in huge debt.

[Inahole]

Hi,

in a state of shock right now. 4 days ago I found out that we are £100k in debt not including our mortgage.

Ive noticed that DH has not been himself for about 3 months- constantly tired, appearing stressed and losing weight. He’s prone to a bit of anxiety and depression and takes medication.

wevd been married 15 years. We have a mortgage, 2 kids, 2 cars and appears to be a nice life.he’s a lovely guy who would do anything for me and the kids

I knew we had done debt and that it was ‘a lot’. I knew it worries him but also thought it was under control and totally manageable.

dh earns about 97k. I earn 25k so our income is decent.

he broke down on Thursday and admitted how much we owe. I am shocked, angry, devestated etc etc

he confessed that it’s become harder to manage and he’s missed some payments/paid late. Our mortgage is totally up to date thankfully.

he’s a wreck. Crying, shaking and telling me that he’s let us down. I’ve been through everything and I can see that it’s been spent on life stuff abs nothing dodgy- gambling etc . I know that he has no dirty secrets other than the debt amount!!

my close friend colleague thinks I need to leave him and start afresh away from the debt. My mum thinks that it’s my problem too and it’s not something to end our marriage over.

any advice?

Excluding pensions and student loans
£97K gross = ££5,458 net pcm
£25k gross = ££1,757 net pcm

That's £7.2K net household monthly income. You need to control your monthly expenditure and there is no reason why you can't divert at least £3K of that to paying off your debt which still allows you £4.2K pcm expenditure.

So, you should be able to pay it all off within the next 3 years - sooner if you want to be more austere. There is no need to sell your house! Less/cheaper holidays or indeed no holidays for a year or two won't kill you. You'll appreciate it more when the debt is paid off sooner.

Reduce expenditure & increase income. The first is usually easier than the second. Good luck. It's certainly not the end of the world on your income level.

Hi I think get him to agree that you will both get monthly credit checks. This is because you dont really know what's going on with him. Does he have a problem with bring deceitful or compulsions/impulsivity.
I think he has treated you badly. He has betrayed your trust. He invited you to let him organise the finances and then decided to make bad decisions and hide it from you for a long time. Yes you are married but actually legally the debt is not half yours, depending on how he has done it.
You know him better than anyone else so if he's a good man then yes work to save your marriage, but from now on take full responsibility and take a full part and have full knowledge about all the finances. You have to wake up and become an equal partner regarding finances from now on, plus watch out for any dodgy habits your husband may secretly have.

I personally don't think the OP is responsible for this. She trusted him so why should she expect and be watching out for him getting into more and more debt? Unless he has been actively been being evasive????

Probably best to be a loyal wife but I would keep my eyes open from now on and be vigilant.

I agree. As I said above you should be able to get this paid off within 2-3 years.

Op have a look at Breathing Space. It's a scheme where you can get a 3 month respite break on paying debts. Not sure how it works exactly .

What has she said to imply this?

She hasn't, @NonPlayerCharacter, which is why I wrote about wondering rather than knowing - but then it wouldn't be the first time someone was attracted by a high salary, only to find the wheels dropping off

You can fix this. Jointly your earnings are good. You can make a budget and pay this off. x

I can absolutely understand how a family could end up in 100k of debt without blowing the lot on wild purchases. Life is SO expensive these days. We easily went through 25k just on cosmetic improvements to our tiny London flat and some furnishings. I still can’t quite believe it but things mount up SO fast (I think just buying and installing a few radiators came to about 5k!). Add the reduction in earnings from maternity (I had a baby myself recently) and things can spiral fast.

Your partner is a very high earner. I think perhaps approaching a debt charity (would citizens advice also provide advice on something like this?) and getting a plan in place will help you to see the light at the end of the tunnel. You WILL get out of this! There will be sacrifices from now on but you can absolutely 100% do it.

I don't think you should end your marriage over this. You describe your husband in fairly positive terms in your posts and the debt has been accrued by both of you. You have also been irresponsible by allowing the family finances to get to this point. It's not really fair to blame it on him and punish him by leaving.

This is not insurmountable. Contact Stepchange. They are a charity that helps people manage debt and they are fantastic. I got into debt when I unexpectedly fell pregnant and Stepchange helped me hugely, They are respectful, empathetic, experienced, practical, efficient and effective. You will feel much better after discussing your situation with them.

As others have said this is absolutely manageable. You are in a hole but with your income, you have a big enough ladder to climb out. That is absolutely 100% true.
The other thing you need to face up to sharpish, though, if you are to get out of the hole, is that you don't just have a money problem. You have a relationship problem. You have a communication problem, you have a teamwork problem. Sorry that this probably feels like heaping more onto you. But I really believe you have to acknowledge this if you're going to turn things around.
All the months and years where your husband didn't talk to you about this for fear of upsetting you; where you didn't ask; where you both spent money without having a crystal clear understanding of your household budget, those days have to be behind you.

The good news is that you get to do this together. I think it will actually bring a real sense of relief. You've both been in denial and denial is a lonely place.

If you can sit down together and get a hold on this and come out the other side it is going to be the absolute best feeling ever, knowing you pulled together and kept each other on track.

Having worked with customers financially struggling It's not uncommon for partners not to be aware of their partners debts racking up.

If your finances are separate, what reason would they have to know? Yes letters come through the post but its not posted on the envelope that they are in the red!

Normally a red flag would arise when collection agents used to try discreetly call on the landline but now with mobiles it is so easy to take a call without the partner knowing.

Personally, I can absolutely see why a partner would be oblivious to their partners debt.

OP, if your partner is struggling to maintain the monthly payments, Step Change are highly recommended to help assist with these matters. It's a free service and they have really changed a lot of lives for many people.

Ensure all future minimum payments are met going forward. Missing/late credit card payments will definitely affect your credit score adversely. The past can't be helped but the first thing to do is to have control/manage your current situation.

Absolutely not insurmountable. A lot yes but with a joint income of nearly £125k you will get through this.

Speak to one of the charities. I'm in Ireland that's be MABs but there will be something where you are, try the citizens advice website.

Consolidate any high interest loans/ credit card debt if possible or pay those off first.

Cancel any planned expenses for this year, foreign holiday/ house updates. Down grade the cars if possible. Days out locally over summer with the kids and keep it cheap.

Do a budget and live well below your means until you have a good handle on this debt.

Get it sorted, learn, and move on. But try not to let it consume you. Once ye have a plan in place stick to it, DO NOT ADD MORE DEBT, but leave enough to live on and have a bit of a life.

You are in this together. It is not all on him.
Ridiculous to even contemplate ending your marriage.
You earn well. Sit down together and make a plan.

I’m sorry you’ve had this shock. Do you have a joint account? I would sit him down and plan how to pay the debts, and do a budget then do a “meeting”
every month to update the budget. Also, go to the bank and arrange that both signatures for payments/withdrawals from the account.

Could you cancel anything?

Absolutely this.

Since the OP knew they were in debt, a lot of debt, and that her DH was worried about it, it is beyond comprehension that she didn't think they should be cutting back on spending long before now.

OP: you've had a lot of good advice on this thread. Please stop catastrophising, pull up your big-girl pants, and contact the agencies that can start to help you out of your mess.

It really isnt.
Start off by sitting down together and making a realistic record of your essential spending. From that, you can work out how much spare money you have each month and therefore how much you can realistically use to reduce the debt. As others have advised, there are lots of resources out there that will help you - Moneysavingexpert is an excellent place to start looking.
It will take time, maybe as much as 10 years, but on your income its very doable.

@Inahole deep breath - you can sort this, it will be a pain and take time but you can. Lots of helpful info on the MSE debt forum pages as well.
https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/categories/debt-free-wannabe

That's not correct. Being married to someone doesn't mean you take on their debts. If you don't have joint finances, like a mortgage or joint bank account, then a spouse can't be made liable unless they jointly took on the debt.

OP you've had loads of good advice on here and also been pointed in the right direction for help. I'll just say that the fact that your husband is stressed and you are horrified about the debt means that you'll fix it. On your joint income you can put some energy into saving and get this sorted pretty quickly ( a few short years max).
It just needs lateral thinking and an increased awareness of the cost of everything. You have already invested in all the things that will make cost cutting easier. Good luck to you both.

I’ve started the ball rolling by starting to out together a proper budget. What is immediately obvious is that we should afford the debt payments. We just need to get organised and stop uneccesary spends

I don’t see how you can be in that much debt with just ‘life stuff’ spending, especially given how high your income is.

you sound like you had no idea who was spending what but surely you have also access to the finances etc? Has he made all decisions on his own? I don’t see how that’s possible. If your income is good then you need to look at your spending under a microscope and see really where this has gone and you need to redo - together - a strong monthly budget where all money is accounted for and spent on agreed things. I get the impression from your post you are both badly organised when it comes to budgeting. I don’t think you should necessarily leave him as half the debt is still yours and it sounds like you havent taken responsibility for your spending either which presumably has added to this amount..

It’s a big debt but the good news is you have a big shovel. Cut everything, no holidays, no takeaways, get rid of a car if possible. Back to basics, etc. Can you work more hours?

When you say it’s his disorganisation, I think it’s both your disorganisation. It sounds like you’ve been participating in spending more than you earned and neglected staying on top of it too.

You need to be on top of every statement at the end of the month, entering (or checking that everything is entered) on a budget. Then you can see it all adds up at the end of the month.

@inahole I would be really concerned about his mental health right now - is he at risk of harming himself? Next, this is just as much your responsibility as his. He's been telling you there's a problem and you haven't carried any of the burden with him.

You need to work together without blaming each other to make a household budget and understand where every pound is going. Cancel streaming services you don't need, get cheaper deals on insurance and utilities, stop buying new clothes unless you absolutely need them for work. You can fix this, it really is doable.

I've been watching YouTube videos from Romain Faure and Dave Ramsey (American but the basic principles are the same) and I find them inspiring.

I'm sorry it is so tough for you at present. But it's a joint problem, as you really should have got involved as soon as he said there were any debts. I know this is hindsight, but as a warning to others, I never think it's a good thing to leave joint money matters to anyone else, it puts too much responsibility on them and isn't fair to them. It's a joint problem, if it's joint spending and not one person secretly spending on themselves. Before expenses outside absolute necessaries, plans for things with financial implications, and certainly luxuries like holidays, can be decided on, the household budget really needs to be discussed and affordability considered.

I think you're doing the right thing now, and I hope you get it sorted out.

That's good, Glad debt payments are affordable, you must feel a little better after doing this.