Found out we’re in huge debt.

[Inahole]

Hi,

in a state of shock right now. 4 days ago I found out that we are £100k in debt not including our mortgage.

Ive noticed that DH has not been himself for about 3 months- constantly tired, appearing stressed and losing weight. He’s prone to a bit of anxiety and depression and takes medication.

wevd been married 15 years. We have a mortgage, 2 kids, 2 cars and appears to be a nice life.he’s a lovely guy who would do anything for me and the kids

I knew we had done debt and that it was ‘a lot’. I knew it worries him but also thought it was under control and totally manageable.

dh earns about 97k. I earn 25k so our income is decent.

he broke down on Thursday and admitted how much we owe. I am shocked, angry, devestated etc etc

he confessed that it’s become harder to manage and he’s missed some payments/paid late. Our mortgage is totally up to date thankfully.

he’s a wreck. Crying, shaking and telling me that he’s let us down. I’ve been through everything and I can see that it’s been spent on life stuff abs nothing dodgy- gambling etc . I know that he has no dirty secrets other than the debt amount!!

my close friend colleague thinks I need to leave him and start afresh away from the debt. My mum thinks that it’s my problem too and it’s not something to end our marriage over.

any advice?

Look up Debt Snowball method (and ignore the Americanisms)
-set aside an emergency fund only to be used for say emergency car/house repairs (so you don’t go into more debt if an emergency happens).
-budget very carefully and start paying off the smallest debt first.
-when that debt is paid off then use the money budgeted for paying that debt off to pay off the next smallest debt etc.

See if you can transfer any cards to 0%

How many loans? If you can work out the ones with the highest interest rate and if you can pay those ones off early.

Set a budget to spend less now.

See if there's anything that can be given up and put into savings and then when you have enough to pay off a credit card. Pay it off.

You will need to be ruthless. Nonexoensive days out, no takeaways etc. No buying un needed clothes/gifts etc.

It feels bad now. But once you kerb the spending and put that into the debt. You will feel better and things will get better.

I can see that I’ve ‘looked the other way’ at times
is an understatement, unless you're incredibly naive, where did you think the ££ was coming from for holidays and improvements?
Likely you enjoy the lifestyle, you've chose not to see and your DH has been trying fulfill all the need and demands on him.

Check your facts 🙄 In UK marriage law assets and debts are equally attributable to both parties unless legally specified otherwise (e.g. a house deposit being ring fenced) regardless of whose name they are in.

I'm with your Mum.

I'd recommend going on Money Saving Expert Debt Free Wannabe Forum. You'll get all the advice you need there.

I'm glad he told you and didn't take more drastic action. If you love him, you'll get through this.

@Inahole of course this is shock. But you know you've 'looked the other way' at times so may for you too there has been sosme niggling anxiety...?

With your joint incomes you CAN get on top of this. You will both feel empowered by tackling it, and doing it together might actually be a benefit for your relationship. You just have to take the first step together.

But also... check that he is really now telling you the truth about ALL the debt, no hidden other accounts...

Of course, you don't leave him in this situation, your friend is being ridiculous!

It's worth speaking to step change or CAP for advice on how to tackle it, depending on how serious those missed payments are. You need to live on as little as possible and plough everything into paying more than the minimum on everything.

Rotten luck, but if you have that much coming in you can pull yourselves out of this, and come out of it the stronger for it.

Please contact step change as soon as you can.

They are amazing & helped me recover from a similar situation where I had £56k of personal debt, just spending & wasting money on so much stuff I didn't really want or need over years of burying my head in the sand & not dealing with it - I was trying to juggle 2 massive loans & 17 credit cards at the worst point.

They helped me make sense of it & actually pay it back once all the interest was frozen.
It isn't easy but it's do-able, I promise x

OP is there any neurodivergence at all? A character trait in ADHD is impulsive overspending (I’ve really been there). It feels impossible now. I’ve been the one confessing to my husband, we banded together - here’s what I did:
spoke to StepChange (lots of helpful advice - our salaries however were enough to pay off)
made a very robust budget planner so every penny was accounted for
the money to go towards debts was paid on payday
credit cards cut up and accounts closed once paid (I immediately removed all their details from my phone /apps)
lived 3 very frugal years I still truly benefit from now
as others have said, followed accounts like Dave Ramsey and others (my frugal year, as another example). It’s amazing but oddly comforting to see similar stories to your own too.
KEEP TALKING - I made my husband hold me accountable for every penny and didn’t make a single purchase without discussing it with him first
i was also diagnosed with ADHD along the way, and now have therapy and coaching to help me really deal with the impulsivity

HE CAN DO THIS. Everyone saying ‘but what has he spent it on?’ I get it OP, I really do. It spirals out of control so fast.
I was so low when I confessed to my husband, I’d been looking at the life insurance to see what the payout would be to him etc. I am in a much better place now, and feel very much in control of finances.
Good luck to both of you.

Why would you consider leaving? The debt has been run up by both of you and given that you have a very comfortable income, you must have been overspending like mad! Get some debt advice and start pulling your horns in. Can you consider downsizing and paying off a chunk of it?

Cut out all unnecessary expenditure immediately, all tv/music subscriptions, look for better deals on all utilities and mobile contracts. No more lunches/coffees/takeaways/meals out. No clothes/shoes unless essential. No more hobbies/kids clubs. No holidays.

And live like a pauper for a few weeks to get an idea of how little you can get by on: no booze, no treats, cheapest meals possible, cut down on meat, use up all your leftovers, shop at Aldi or Lidl, value ranges of everything, including toiletries etc. Use your car as little as possible to save on fuel.

I'd recommend going on Money Saving Expert Debt Free Wannabe Forum. You'll get all the advice you need there.

I second every poster who made a similar recommendation.

Debt sometimes gets away from people in surprising ways. I have friends who refer to ADHD tax caused by constant procrastination, late payments, failure to cancel services that are no longer used etc. All of these add up to poorer credit ratings, associated higher rates of interest etc. Shame and stigma can mean people will conceal everything they can until events overtake them.

https://www.additudemag.com/adhd-tax-late-fees-fines-shame/

Your debts seem manageable relative to your income. MSE will guide you on the best way to do this in the most efficient and least expensive way.

Hi OP,

Sorry to hear that you are dealing with such a difficult situation. It does sound as though now is the time for you to pull together.

I work for a debt charity and you would be surprised how common this is. Unsecured debt in the UK is rife. There will be people that you know - at work, friends, family, neighbors who are all carrying debt levels that they are uncomfortable with. So many many individuals are walking around 20-30K in debt. It's almost become the norm.

I have been in this industry for quite a while. in the early 2000's we would wince at customers who owed 30k+, whereas these days, we see it literally several times a day, and much much higher.

I am not trying to minimise your worries and you are right to want to sort out a solution asap, however I do think that some perspective i needed here. Your debts are just under a years income. Yes, it's a lot, but it is all relative. It's also debt spread across 2 people. Like I said earlier, there are loads of people with 25-30k of individual debt and many of these wont be earning half of your combined income.

It may feel insurmountable now, but it isn't.

Contact Stepchange or a similar organisation. They can help. They will go through your budget and contact the creditors and offer a payment. Usually interest is stopped. They are incredibly supportive and so are the organisations that you may owe money to. The hardest part is making the first contact.

So wedding, house renovation and holidays you couldn’t afford.

If you tighten your belts considerably you could have it mostly paid off in 2 years.

You must have bought a ton of things that you could sell towards paying off that amount of debt. I'd sell my house if I had to to pay that off.

I have every sympathy. We are digging ourselves out of a bit of a hole thanks to a major depressive episode I had last summer. We are on track to pay it off but it is slow going. With this level of debt, I’d recommend contacting a (free) service such as Step Change.

You need to write down every single non-negotiable expense you have. We run our household on a fixed amount every month and any income in addition to this services debt or any unforeseen expenses. It will stay this way until the debt is paid (one year to go!) If I were you, I’d be considering aiming to live on just his income and every single penny of yours goes towards the debt (this is the method we used to save money when we bought our house).

We use a bank account where we can divide up our money into different pots so we have a food budget pot, petrol pot, mortgage pot etc. It really helps to show how much you have left and keep aside the money earmarked for something important. If we need to do something outside of the usual limits, we check in with each other first.

If I were you, I would take control of your finances completely for now - you can always swap back or have mutual control again later.

Also, your income is WAY above "decent". It is "very high" and you have behaved recklessly. I can't get over you blaming this all on your husband.

You've been spending and seem quite happy to have had your head in the sand all this time?

It's your debt, too. Divorcing him will not alter that.

It's clear you are living far beyond your means if you are in debt on that salary

@Ilovemyshed
This is a moment in a marriage where you take a deep breath and pull together. Support each other, be honest and talk properly about this joint problem.

That is exactly the right thing, don't like how you can't quote part of a post so sorry if it formats wrong.

That dept is yours too if you are married so leaving him won’t solve much , if that is the only reason .
I think you need to take over the finances ,see a financial advisor , you have good incomes and should enable to sort out good payment plans that will hopefully won’t affect your credit rating much . Maybe consolidate everything? But whatever you do do not go back in more debt so if it was credit cards etc, make sure he won’t ask more .

He's told you now, so you can face it together.
With two of you cutting back on spending to the absolute minimum, you will deal with it quicker than him struggling and you spending normally unaware of the problem.
Accept freebies and hand me downs for the kids, use any Clubcard vouchers you have to cut shopping bills, ask for things you need for birthdays and xmas. Do not be too proud to do what you have to to cut back and increase income. Sell stuff off on eBay, garage sale etc. and both look at taking a bar or waitressing jobs (although it might be better for him to do evening childcare and you to have second job due to tax bracket.)

Once you get over the shock and anger, you got this.

a fair chunk of the debt comes from our wedding/ maternity pay Gaps/ home improvements/ holidays

You've been living a lifestyle way above your means, so it's on you as well. Surely you wondered how you were affording everything.

Your income is low, are you able to increase that?

Whilst payments may have been missed on the debt, is it possible to remortgage? Interest on mortgages is much lower than credit card or personal debt.