Found out we’re in huge debt.

[Inahole]

Hi,

in a state of shock right now. 4 days ago I found out that we are £100k in debt not including our mortgage.

Ive noticed that DH has not been himself for about 3 months- constantly tired, appearing stressed and losing weight. He’s prone to a bit of anxiety and depression and takes medication.

wevd been married 15 years. We have a mortgage, 2 kids, 2 cars and appears to be a nice life.he’s a lovely guy who would do anything for me and the kids

I knew we had done debt and that it was ‘a lot’. I knew it worries him but also thought it was under control and totally manageable.

dh earns about 97k. I earn 25k so our income is decent.

he broke down on Thursday and admitted how much we owe. I am shocked, angry, devestated etc etc

he confessed that it’s become harder to manage and he’s missed some payments/paid late. Our mortgage is totally up to date thankfully.

he’s a wreck. Crying, shaking and telling me that he’s let us down. I’ve been through everything and I can see that it’s been spent on life stuff abs nothing dodgy- gambling etc . I know that he has no dirty secrets other than the debt amount!!

my close friend colleague thinks I need to leave him and start afresh away from the debt. My mum thinks that it’s my problem too and it’s not something to end our marriage over.

any advice?

Very good advice here

It is totally doable to get rid of this debt.

Don't do what my DH did and take out 0% interest cards, pay off the minimum and then not open the envelopes and not see that interest was now being charged

Yep we ended up in more debt but it got sorted

are you in London ? Do you work full time ? Your joint income isn’t substantial for London - it’s expensive . Any potential to increase your income ?

your husband doesn’t sound like a bad man. It will get sorted ,

This. Exactly this. The OP is as culpable. You don't go on holiday/ get a new roof/ bathroom without asking how you're going to afford it.

Like PP, we have 1 at uni, another about to go & I've had to reduce my hours as our 3rd has significant ASN (his needs increase as he gets older). At the moment we could NEVER go on an abroad holiday or afford the new kitchen I'd like. It's just life, you don't go spending willy nilly.

My sister got herself in financial trouble years ago by burying her head in the sand as her husband got into debt. Our parents pulled them out & it still rankles.

Both of you have responsibility to keep a handle on things.

Whatever you do op it needs to be you who increases income. As soon as your husband hits 100k he will lose personal allowance AND any support you may have with childcare hours. It could cost thousands and thousands. You need specialist help from people who will understand the debt AND the issues around tax as he is already 40% plus student loans (if applicable) and NI.

You both allowed this situation to occur.

You both knew what your income was, and what you were spending and that the later was bigger than the former.

You now need to jointly work out how to fix this. Sell the house , whatever you need to do.

You both need to take joint responsibility

Op I’d advise you to listen to the podcast “I will teach you to be rich” from ramit Serbian. Particularly episode 133 Cassandra and Aldo.

you are in debt and he his the extent of it from you but you did know you were in debt and most likely avoided the issue.

you both have been negligent here but understanding your roles in this and how you deal with money in general will help you immensely

Hey OP, I think you should start a new thread asking how to clear £100K debt without focusing on the DH issue.

I think you're right that you have looked the other way and left it to him to sort out, and the spending has all been family spending. He hasn't betrayed you in the normal sense (I'm usually very LTB).

You might have some anger about the fact that he has left it so long to speak up but I think you now need to act as a team to clear it.

Sorry that should be Ramit Sethi

Makes me think about the poor man in The Full Monty- who has lost his job and pretends he still goes to work, whilst his wife talks about posh holidays and fancy house improvements, blind to it all.

Utter nonsense - you can’t pay off debt with a gross salary.

I actually think your thread op highlights a bigger societal issue. You can see posters on here thinking that if he puts away half his salary. You’ll clear the debt in two years. Thinking 50k x2. People forget that portion will be 40% tax, NI and student loans.

The tax on earners via PAYE is so high, it isn’t a salary you can live the highlife on. I remember when we had that household income. By the time tax went out, a mortgage, bills, childcare etc. There wasn’t a lot left over. Not enough for nice holidays and renovations.

However that is part of the bigger issue nowadays. People are taxed so heavily many don’t bother with extra as the pay off isn’t worth it. I can see how you’ve done it. You’d think on a 6 figure income you should be able to afford some nicer things. However, people can’t because outgoings with housing now, commuting and tax.

Even now, with a much higher income; we don’t splash the cash. Tax, uni and everything else is just £££. I would strongly advise any higher earners to relocate if possible.

Yes it’s both your faults. Best work out a strategy. Also look at outgoings and cut out any excess spending.

It’s a family responsibility to keep on top of all debt. If you were aware of all the debt but hadn’t kept yourself aware of the extent then you are equally at fault. There are lots of posts offering good advice.

if your OH has been lying about the debt to you then the problem is with your husbands deceit which is a separate issue that needs dealt with. Any lying about debt and money problems that you were not already aware of was to protect himself in your eyes, not to protect you from the debt - he’s an adult and knows that doesn’t work. I speak from experience of an ex who did this to me often and I went through all the crap of hes lovely really, he’s not told me to protect me etc. It was all bullshit. It was always about him. He got into debt over stupid things, was ashamed and lied about it instead of allowing us to tackle it as a partnership. I’d spend hours working out repayment plans for him and paying off debts with my savings only for them to resurface again 6-12 months later. I hope that doesn’t reflect any part of
your experience as love doesn’t fix this problem.

First things first, let him know that you support him and you're in this together. That is a huge amount of debt. The size that makes people suicidal. Especially in people who already have trouble with their mental health. Then make a plan. There are plenty of websites and resources what will help you with this. But for a start, work out where all the debts are and what their interest rates are. For debts you can transfer, don't consolidate them into one, but spread them out over a few 0% interest cards and make minimal payments to these while you focus on paying off the higher interest rates debts. Also address your spending, and see where you can cut back on things. This includes children's hobbies and expenses. It will be a tough few years ahead, but it isn't the end of the world.

Your friend sounds like a MNetter.

My family member was in the same situation. Wife ran up £60k of debt, wages less than you. Husband has stood by her and are working together to pay it off. Husband has taken control of the spenders wages and only now receives ‘pocket money’ each month.

You need to take control now and stop the spending.

I’m with your mum on this - take a long view.

Between you as a couple you earn enough to work out a repayment plan & stick to it. All is not lost, BUT you both need to work out how things have come to this.

You both have different ways of coping with money in, spending to budget & dealing with smaller problems, & by ignoring these matters you have both lost control & tumbled into debt.

If he kept things from you, equally you were not paying attention.

Although seemingly you are well off, debt is debt is debt & you both have the money coming in to recover.

I suggest that you contact Christians Against Poverty CAP - yes, poverty - as they are very good & I think honourable in their approach to helping people over come debt. There may well be a waiting list so consider it an investment in your future & family life.

Also, you may find some couple counselling at Relate will help you both support as you learn to work together to manage your resources.

Managing your family finances is a valuable life skill that can be acquired.

Totally fixable my love. He's not been up to no good, you both work - with him earning a pretty high salary. You just need to get advice from debt charities, commit to logging purchases and then reign in the spending. You will do it. x

Exactly @whistleblower99 the tax is huge. We pay full price for everything. Disposable income after tax and bills/expenses is tiny and getting less every time things go up in price.

We have hugely cut back, but there are some things you can’t avoid or are awkward. Eg Every week there seems to be a new collection for someone at work, people retiring, being ill, leaving, having a baby etc. Staff on lower salaries than me put £10 in. I’d rather put a couple of quid but that looks so stingy, so usually add £5, but even that adds up.

Friends and family presents are another issue at birthdays and Christmas. Because they know that dh is a higher earner there is a certain pressure there too. Many of Our friends seem to have large amounts of disposable cash so trying to see them in social settings gets awkward.

Mortgage - are you in a fixed rate or can you change it to interest-only or take a mortgage break for 6 months?

I'd get professional advice on how to consolidate/get out from under.

I haven’t read the full thread, but if he’s a lovely guy and it is all just ‘life stuff,’ then you are at least partially responsible. You need to own this and deal with it. The posters beating up your partner are wrong. The friend who recommends you ‘wall away and start again’ is clueless. You need to work through this together.

then no, if you love this guy at all you do not walk away from a joint mess and leave him to break under it. Presumably some of its in joint names. Its certainly joint responsibility. You both knew there was large debt but kept spending. You both need to now sit down and work it out.

Budget.
a.
What is your total joint income after tax?

b.
What is your total set outgoings - childcare, mortgage, utilities, insurance, commute to work and childcare?
What is your current spend on food?
Anything else like pet insurance etc?
How much are you outlaying in terms of entertainment and comms - phones, internet, tv packages etc.
How much is the total current outgoings for the debts?

Which is bigger, a or b?

If your outgoings at basic level are able to cover the debts, you call everyone who's late and say you're starting from now, you'll set up direct debits and the;ll get their money.

If there's interest free options take them, or smaller payments without building up lots more arrears, but keep paying.

If your outgoings at basic level cannot cover the debts, what are your choices to cut costs? Cheaper car? Get rid of the entertainment stuff, shop more budget friendly etc. But also, call every debtor, tell them you will set up a direct debit now but you need to reduce the payments or you'll have to keep defaulting through a lack of cash.

I'm sure someone cleverer than me can suggest the logic on what you pay in what order - it depends on credit terms really.

But you work together. Total honesty and mutual respect. You don't sneak out to splurge, he doesn't, you call each other out on unnecessary spending, you sit together and look for the better deals etc.

Yep and if he goes 1 penny over 100k he will lose his personal allowance (marginal tax rate of over 60%) and if they have childcare - they will lose that. Marginal tax rate of over 100% and they’d be TENS of thousands down. That is why they can’t be rash and say stop pension contributions if it will knock him over.

This country is truly fucked. It isn’t unreasonable to think a 6 figure income would equal a nice holiday or a house renovation or two. With the huge housing costs, commuting costs and tax. Along with no top-ups so full price uni, no chb, etc. People can’t afford these luxuries on even a good income.

Contact a charity that deals with helping people with debt to get a long term plan in place.

Go through your family budget (presuming there was one) and see where you can cut back. Money saving expert has a budget planner and lots of great advice.

Get a job that pays higher than £25k - if you are part time you are going to have to work full time and rely on family as much as you can with the kids.

Sell one of the cars, are two really necessary?

Sell anything of value that is really unnecessary such as fine jewellery, art, handbags, you get the picture

Remortgage the house if possible to release some equity? Sell the house if you are really stuck.

No more fancy holidays, or expensive activities.

You aren’t that stuck, you have an income of £90,000 a year after tax. Assets to sell.

This can be a thing of the past within 5years or less.

You’re going to need to get real and live within your means.

You need to take a hard look at your finances and stop spending on everything unnecessary - take aways, treats, new clothes for you and DH. Draw up weekly meal plans and stick to them. There are charities which will sit down with you and go through your spending and plan repayment schedules. You don’t say how old your children are but it is possible to explain that mummy and daddy need to save some money so certain things are being cut.

It’s not insurmountable. It’s not “fine” but you can make this better. It will be incredibly hard. I’m just emerging from a 5 year period of spending practically nothing and while we still have debts they are now manageable and “ok” and we are nearing the end. Ours were business - we were unlucky (Brexit, Covid, CoL, massive tax burden from the gov) but we over stretched ourselves too and didn’t get everything right. We have been married 28 years and although it’s DHs business, it is very much our debt.
You will get proper advice from people who know much more than us but some of the things we did.
We both worked additional jobs. DH delivery driver - me bank shifts for a different employer (in your circumstance only you can do this impactfully but he can increase his domestic contribution to allow you to work more)
We were crazy strict with food spending because it was an area we were guilty of going OTT. We cooked everything from cheap ingredients, very little choice in snacks/fruit etc. no indulgent pastries and absolutely no takeaways etc except on birthdays .
Did credit card juggling - zero on spending, zero on transfers etc.
Sold cars and bought 2 cheap 1l cars for under £2k each. Saved a fortune on petrol and insurance as well as giving some capital.
No holidays or hobbies that cost more than very little.
Stuck together - it’s been exhausting and draining. It’s been rough not doing anything with friends bar a walk and coffee at one or another’s houses. Never grabbing something quick to eat in the way home is exhausting. It’s been tough in the kids and we make a big effort do have nice “family time” doing free stuff like board game night or geocaching around our work. We do still buy birthday presents and make a big fuss but we cut down at Christmas.
We tried to remortgage to pay everything off but we were refused. We are on a variable and it’s been tough since truss.
It has been awful. And dreary, and relentless but it’s not a disaster. You have each other and the ability to earn and get this under control.