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Original poster

Husband upset, christmas gift money

178 replies

Countrybumpkin90 · 30/12/2023 08:06

Just wanted some outsider perspectives, not sure AITA. My parents have been incredibly kind and generous and have given me some money for Christmas (couple of hundred £) to spend ‘on something just for me’. My husband has taken offence as he believes this should be shared as we are married, and he thinks it should just go into paying down some debt we have. The debt is money we owe his parents that he borrowed before we were married and isn’t too much and we are already almost down to nothing else owed. We are in a good financial position and both are lucky to have good jobs.

On the one hand I do understand that as we are married everything is shared. However, on the other I don’t understand why he can’t just be happy for me. My parents say they should be able to gift their daughter something without him getting involved and I think that’s true too. Turned into a row last night and don’t know aita for wanting to just spend it on something I’d love as my parents intended.

OP posts:
Snowfalling · 30/12/2023 12:01

Countrybumpkin90 · 30/12/2023 08:40

He’s just one of those people who thinks if you owe anything everything should be pushed at it, its the accountant in him.

And yes, my parents got him presents. They spent quite a lot of money on him and made him a stocking.

Really appreciate the comments, you’ve made me excited to pick out a Christmas present again the whole thing was so tainted last night

There are accountants up and down the country who don't behave like this, I think he has conditioned you to believe this is normal for accountants. He sounds money obsessed, and it's very off putting that he begrudges you your parents gift. Also why are you paying 50/50 if he earns double?

Mrsknowitall · 30/12/2023 12:09

Every year, my parents give a little box with £200 in it, they dont say it’s just for me so I split it with my dh and its to spend on whatever we want, we don’t tell each other what to spend it on, my fil also gifts us with money which my dh splits with me, again spent on whatever we like.

Esmerelda2024 · 30/12/2023 12:10

This reply has been deleted

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HundredMilesAnHour · 30/12/2023 12:12

@Countrybumpkin90 Please stop excusing his behaviour "because he's an accountant". That has zero to do with it! He's financially controlling. That has nothing to do with his chosen career and everything to do with his personality and financial abuse.

I know many accountants (I trained at one of the Big Four) and none of them behave like this, nor would any of them demand Christmas money given by your parents as a gift should be shared and used to pay back his parents for a loan HE took out!!!

Your husband is an arsehole.

SleepingStandingUp · 30/12/2023 12:17

Countrybumpkin90 · 30/12/2023 08:40

He’s just one of those people who thinks if you owe anything everything should be pushed at it, its the accountant in him.

And yes, my parents got him presents. They spent quite a lot of money on him and made him a stocking.

Really appreciate the comments, you’ve made me excited to pick out a Christmas present again the whole thing was so tainted last night

So has he sold them all to pay off his debt? Or did he tell his parents not to buy him anything but to knock it off his debt? No? Thought not.

What did he have nice for Xmas that you fancy eating or drinking or using without him?

DH gets money off his Mom, it's his unless otherwise stated. We have kids so it's usually put aside for something specific. But if it was a birthday or Xmas gift it wouldn't occur to be too be grabbing for my share

Rainbow1901 · 30/12/2023 12:24

It was a gift for you personally. Your DH received his own gifts - is he sharing those with you? Most likely not!!
Spend it as your DPs wanted - just on things that you personally want!!

Pookerrod · 30/12/2023 12:29

It’s really miserly of him and I say that as an accountant!

I received £200 John Lewis voucher from my boss for Christmas. As it happens, we happened to be about to buy a large expensive rug from JL and I said to my DH that I could put the voucher towards it. But he was having none of it and said that the voucher was a Christmas gift to me and I should treat myself to something I wouldn’t normally get.

Your parents wishes are that you spend the money treating yourself and as it is their gift, that should be respected.

SerafinasGoose · 30/12/2023 12:36

Reading between the lines it sounds very much as if your parents have your partner's measure, OP.

Of course the money is yours. You might want to have a read of this link.

Financial Abuse: 6 Signs and What You Can Do About it | HuffPost Life

falalalalalalalallama · 30/12/2023 12:37

Your DH needs to understand the difference between income, and a gift with strings attached.

When you earn money, it comes with no obligations about how to spend it, it's simply money.

But a gift can have strings attached, it can be a given for a purpose. In this case, the purpose is for you to buy a present for yourself.

Your DH is treating it as income, it isn't. He needs to understand that.

inamarina · 30/12/2023 12:37

Gliblet · 30/12/2023 08:09

Ask him if they'd bought you a £200 item of jewellery or a designer dress would he insist on being allowed to wear it?

Exactly. Or would he ask you to sell it, so he could pay off the debt to his parents?

TheBeef · 30/12/2023 12:48

We share gifts like these.

We DO NOT share pre-marital debt.

I would never loan money from my in-laws. It just would not be worth the bother. I can imagine they would be annoyed if 'we' flashed the cash when there was an outstanding loan.

DarkDarkNight · 30/12/2023 12:50

How very convenient for him that he is so black and white around money so that you can help him pay an old debt off and he can benefit from your parents gift to you. I wonder if it ever works the other way. I’d love to know if it always worked this way.

I’m assuming he got no present from his parents and just asked for some money to be paid off the debt.

SouthLondonMum22 · 30/12/2023 12:54

It's your gift, of course you don't have to share it just because you're married.

Being married doesn't mean you can't have anything to yourself.

DelphiniumBlue · 30/12/2023 13:06

So it's OK for him to accept expensive presents, but you aren't "allowed" a cash gift?
Tell him to fuck off.
It's none of his business how you spend this present.
Make sure you have your own account, he sounds quite controlling and maybe you need to future-protect yourself. There's a few things in your posts that sound like he is or will take unfair advantage of you.

Throwaway1234567890000000 · 30/12/2023 13:06

Countrybumpkin90 · 30/12/2023 08:40

He’s just one of those people who thinks if you owe anything everything should be pushed at it, its the accountant in him.

And yes, my parents got him presents. They spent quite a lot of money on him and made him a stocking.

Really appreciate the comments, you’ve made me excited to pick out a Christmas present again the whole thing was so tainted last night

Sorry but it’s not the accountant in him. I’m an accountant too.

He’s using this to control you. It’s not a high interest rate loan (where this logic makes sense) it’s an interest free loan from family.

littlegrebe · 30/12/2023 13:21

"On the one hand I do understand that as we are married everything is shared."

Who told you this? Him? The same person who told you paying 50/50 for bills is a good deal for you, the person who only earns half as much, if I'm reading your posts right?

Stop taking financial advice from the person who stands to benefit from you not acting in your own best interests. I think you've convinced yourself that because he's an accountant and he earns a lot of money he's much cleverer than you and when he "explains" these things to you you don't challenge it. I used to know a man a bit like this - he would "explain" all sorts of things to his (much younger) wife and it was clear he didn't expect any sort of discussion to take place after he'd "explained" to her what the correct course of action was. I'm very sorry if you think I'm jumping to conclusions but I can't see how else you would be unsure if it's unreasonable of you not to want to give him your Christmas present to pay off a loan which he took out on his own, to fund a project of his own, and is not even overdue.

You are entitled to your own money within a marriage. This isn't radical newfangled feminist thinking, this was set out in English law in 1882! Even Victorian politicians, who mostly didn't think we should be allowed to vote, recognised how vulnerable we are when our husbands control all the family money.

It sounds like your parents can see what he's up to too. Have a proper conversation with them, where he can't hear.

Notmetoo · 30/12/2023 13:27

Your parents are right. It's your money and you should spend it anyway you want . They wanted to treat you and that's what you should do.
They gave him a separate gift anyway. Is he going to share that with you. I would be very upset if I gave my daughter money to tray herself and she spent it repaying her husband's loan when he could afford to pay it anyway.

dutysuite · 30/12/2023 13:32

My parents always give me Christmas and birthday money, my birthday is right after Christmas so the money is straight away eaten up by bills. It doesn’t bother me.

Inertia · 30/12/2023 13:34

It's not because your husband is an accountant, it's because he is trying to control you. Accountants are perfectly able to understand the concept of money belonging to an individual, or being set aside for a specific purpose.

Does he normally control your access to your own/ household money? I think your parents have got the measure of him.

The debt should be paid from household income, not from gifts.

If I were your mother, I'd be offering to take you shopping so you could spend the money on something you want need, without the husband giving you a hard time- he'd need to pick the fight with me. Is going shopping with your parents an option?

Daffyyellow · 30/12/2023 13:42

It was a gift to you, not him. It came with direction, “spend it on something just for you,”

Absolutely you should spend it on a treat for you. It definitely should not be used to repay his debt.

perhaps he should sell his Christmas gifts to repay the loan - that’s effectively what he’s asking you to do.

DeeCeeCherry · 30/12/2023 13:50

How horrible.

Its not 'the accountant in him' at all. It's his mean, envious, joysucking, I want to kill my wife's happiness mindset. I wouldnt discuss it any further with him. Buy yourself something nice. I hope he's worth spending your life with tho...

DropDeadFreida · 30/12/2023 13:55

So he wants you to use your present from your parents to go towards his debt from before you got married? And he has managed to convince you that his approach is because he's an accountant and is very black and white about money? That is utter crap OP, because him expecting you to take on his debt is murky as hell.

Where did you find this prince amongst men?

Youthinkyoureuniqueyourejustastatistic · 30/12/2023 13:59

I don’t understand how you can be “in a good financial position” but still owe debt from years ago.

Youthinkyoureuniqueyourejustastatistic · 30/12/2023 14:00

There’s a brilliant “i will teach you to be rich” podcast recently where the guy is an accountant but is soooooo shit with money.

RolyPolyBatFacedGirl · 30/12/2023 14:01

Why on earth did you tell your parents that your husband had issues with it?

Just taints the gift giving experience for them and I doubt they'll do it again!

Just tell your husband to beak out