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Original poster

Husband upset, christmas gift money

178 replies

Countrybumpkin90 · 30/12/2023 08:06

Just wanted some outsider perspectives, not sure AITA. My parents have been incredibly kind and generous and have given me some money for Christmas (couple of hundred £) to spend ‘on something just for me’. My husband has taken offence as he believes this should be shared as we are married, and he thinks it should just go into paying down some debt we have. The debt is money we owe his parents that he borrowed before we were married and isn’t too much and we are already almost down to nothing else owed. We are in a good financial position and both are lucky to have good jobs.

On the one hand I do understand that as we are married everything is shared. However, on the other I don’t understand why he can’t just be happy for me. My parents say they should be able to gift their daughter something without him getting involved and I think that’s true too. Turned into a row last night and don’t know aita for wanting to just spend it on something I’d love as my parents intended.

OP posts:
Iamblossom · 30/12/2023 10:04

My dad gave me and my sisters £1000 each for Christmas.

I have been married for 23 years and my husband didn't think for a second half was his.

It's gone into an account that will pay for holidays so will benefit my husband but he doesn't think he is entitled to it because it wasn't given to him and it's not his dad

Your husband is BU.

Crikeyisthatthetime · 30/12/2023 10:05

I missed the bit about you splitting bills when he earns twice what you do. He's an accountant, so he knows that's not equitable.
Btw someone very dear to me is an accountant. They spend part of their weekend doing voluntary work. It's who they are, not what their job title says.
OP, don't go making excuses. You've got yourself a wrong'un.

Nanny0gg · 30/12/2023 10:06

Countrybumpkin90 · 30/12/2023 08:06

Just wanted some outsider perspectives, not sure AITA. My parents have been incredibly kind and generous and have given me some money for Christmas (couple of hundred £) to spend ‘on something just for me’. My husband has taken offence as he believes this should be shared as we are married, and he thinks it should just go into paying down some debt we have. The debt is money we owe his parents that he borrowed before we were married and isn’t too much and we are already almost down to nothing else owed. We are in a good financial position and both are lucky to have good jobs.

On the one hand I do understand that as we are married everything is shared. However, on the other I don’t understand why he can’t just be happy for me. My parents say they should be able to gift their daughter something without him getting involved and I think that’s true too. Turned into a row last night and don’t know aita for wanting to just spend it on something I’d love as my parents intended.

So if they'd bought you a fabulous pair of boots should you share them?

It's your money.

And he can pay off his own debt

Charlize43 · 30/12/2023 10:08

I think your parents intention is that you spend it on something for yourself like a spa day or some new clothes or a trip to the hairdresser, not paying off your husband's debts.

Ask him if he wants you to ask them?

determinedtomakethiswork · 30/12/2023 10:08

What did he have for Christmas from his own parents? Did your parents give him anything?

JollyJanuary · 30/12/2023 10:09

Why do you pay 50/50 when he earns twice what you do? He's a what's mine is mine and what's yours is his DH.

raspberrybeeret · 30/12/2023 10:11

If you're in a good financial position you should settle the debt with his parents regardless of this gift.

Soontobe60 · 30/12/2023 10:14

I’d be tempted to phone his mum up and tell her that you’ve got some money for her towards the loan, it’s the money your DM gifted you for Christmas but your DH told you to give it to them. Then I’d tell your parents how you e spent the money.
your husband is a complete dick if he expects you to hand over your Christmas present.

Jf20 · 30/12/2023 10:14

No one is suddenly this horrible. So there must have been previous op. Where he thinks he’s more entitled than you?

EasterIssland · 30/12/2023 10:16

My parents / his family tend to give us money. I tend to spend it on days out together rather on something on myself. But mainly it’s a decision I take cuz I’ve got the majority of things we need so no need to buy things for myself. However , I’d not use it to pay back a debt he’s got specially not if it was before you both got married. But we’ve got separate finances in my house so we don’t have a say on each others money

Shinyandnew1 · 30/12/2023 10:17

He’s just one of those people who thinks if you owe anything everything should be pushed at it, its the accountant in him.

How much did he borrow from his parents and how much does he still owe?

Crikeyisthatthetime · 30/12/2023 10:18

raspberrybeeret · 30/12/2023 10:11

If you're in a good financial position you should settle the debt with his parents regardless of this gift.

So. HER parents should pay off the debt he owes HIS parents?
Why would they do that? They have obviously got him sussed, which is why they have said what they have.
So here's a thought.
HIS parents could write it off. That could be their Christmas present to him.
I wonder why they haven't. Could they be as tight as he is?

caringcarer · 30/12/2023 10:18

Countrybumpkin90 · 30/12/2023 08:13

Ok thanks so much you are making me feel better, didn’t know if it was just me. He’s an accountant so he sees money very black and white, which sucks the joy out of things. The loan was for some renovations he did in a property he bought on his own, we already share all our money and do everything together which I am happy with. Just feel like he’s being pretty unreasonable about this.

Nothing to do with being an accountant, your DH is just mean. My DH is an accountant and would insist I treat myself to something lovely. You should not be paying off his debt to his parents. It's his debt from before you met so why should you be paying it off? Treat yourself as your parents intended. I bet they see how mean he is with you and gave you money especially so you would get something lovely now he's trying to hand the money straight to his parents to cover his debt. What a wanker.

toddlermam · 30/12/2023 10:23

Fucking hell you can't even have a couple of hundred pounds to spend on yourself for Christmas, what a selfish arsehole

SilkFloss · 30/12/2023 10:23

No, no, no, no, NO.
He is effectively trying to steal your gift. He got his gift from them, which presumably you're not trying to pinch. The fact that your gift is money is a red herring. Had it been an object, that presumably would be different? It's just that you are able to choose how to spend it yourself and HIS debt is NOT as option.
If he wanted to use a gift to pay that down, he should have asked for money from your parents instead, not enjoy his own and then nick yours.

wronginalltherightways · 30/12/2023 10:31

Countrybumpkin90 · 30/12/2023 08:40

He’s just one of those people who thinks if you owe anything everything should be pushed at it, its the accountant in him.

And yes, my parents got him presents. They spent quite a lot of money on him and made him a stocking.

Really appreciate the comments, you’ve made me excited to pick out a Christmas present again the whole thing was so tainted last night

And yes, my parents got him presents. They spent quite a lot of money on him and made him a stocking.

So he happily accepted presents from your parents but wants your present to be given to his parents for a loan from them that was taken out before your marriage?

Fuck that!

What a complete arse.

Tell him to pretend your money was an object, just like the objects he got from them. ANd unless he's planning to return them all for cash so he can give the money to his parents, to shut the fuck up about your gift from your parents.

JustExistingNotLiving · 30/12/2023 10:32

He’s just one of those people who thinks if you owe anything everything should be pushed at it, its the accountant in him.

If that was the case, seen that you are financially comfortable and the debt is coming from before you met/married, then he should have paid it back much sooner than he has.
But he hasn’t. He simply has stuck to the original agreement with his parents. That is until YOU got a monetary present…. Sounds like jealousy to me tbh.
(maybe your DH can instead reduce the amount if money he spends on himself, hobbies etc… so HE doesn’t owe anything anymore?)

Enjoy your present @Countrybumpkin90 . It’s for you. Find something you truly enjoy, that will give you pleasure.

caringcarer · 30/12/2023 10:32

Pablosdog · 30/12/2023 09:59

Any money given directly to you by your parents is of course yours to spend as you wish! Just wondered if he felt put out if he didn’t have a present from them and that was his reasoning for thinking it was to be shared?

Her parents made him a stocking full of gifts. He's just a wanker.

JingleSnowmanTree · 30/12/2023 10:34

gamerchick · 30/12/2023 08:46

Tbf I do share money given just like husband shares his bonus with me. But there's nothing wrong with keeping it for yourself. It was given to you.

His debt to his parents is nothing to do with you and all he has achieved is money gifts being hid from him in future.

@gamerchick

he got his own presents from her parents, her gift was money so she could choose her present.

would you still give your DH half?

well the flat it was borrowed for is now in her name, so I'd be happy to pay towards it as she usually does.

but I wouldn't put my Christmas gift from my parents towards it as it's being paid off from regular payments.

@Countrybumpkin90 buy yourself something YOU want, you each had gifts from your parents. Yours is yours!

please stop excusing his shitty behaviour 'as he's an accountant', we have bad enough street cred as it is!! It's not because he's an accountant, it's because he's a selfish prick. He had his presents, tell him to stop trying to pinch yours!!

JustExistingNotLiving · 30/12/2023 10:34

Tell him to pretend your money was an object, just like the objects he got from them. ANd unless he's planning to return them all for cash so he can give the money to his parents, to shut the fuck up about your gift from your parents.

I have to say the idea of telling him to put all the resents he got on ebay so he can repay his parents quicker sounds attractive….

Pushmepullu · 30/12/2023 10:40

Sounds like the reverse of a thread on GransNet.

TitaniasAss · 30/12/2023 10:40

He wants you to use your Christmas gift to pay off his debt? No chance.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 30/12/2023 10:40

Open at dictionary at the letter G and point out to him the definition of the word 'gift.'

diddl · 30/12/2023 10:42

I have to say the idea of telling him to put all the resents he got on ebay so he can repay his parents quicker sounds attractive….

Sad for the people who thought that they were buying a present rather than paying off his debts though!

raspberrybeeret · 30/12/2023 10:44

No, my point was regardless of the gift money (I'm assuming £200 is trivial to the debt so irrelevant anyway.) simply if adults are in a good financial position then they should clear the debt asap as part of being independent to their parents!