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Original poster

Husband upset, christmas gift money

178 replies

Countrybumpkin90 · 30/12/2023 08:06

Just wanted some outsider perspectives, not sure AITA. My parents have been incredibly kind and generous and have given me some money for Christmas (couple of hundred £) to spend ‘on something just for me’. My husband has taken offence as he believes this should be shared as we are married, and he thinks it should just go into paying down some debt we have. The debt is money we owe his parents that he borrowed before we were married and isn’t too much and we are already almost down to nothing else owed. We are in a good financial position and both are lucky to have good jobs.

On the one hand I do understand that as we are married everything is shared. However, on the other I don’t understand why he can’t just be happy for me. My parents say they should be able to gift their daughter something without him getting involved and I think that’s true too. Turned into a row last night and don’t know aita for wanting to just spend it on something I’d love as my parents intended.

OP posts:
BrimfulOfMash · 30/12/2023 10:44

How are your parents involved in the discussion? Did he involve them, or did you tell them it had caused an issue?

Your poor parents, their pleasure in generosity has been taken away from them, they should not have been involved beyond your thanks and appreciation and then later ‘oooh, look what I bought with your gift’.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 30/12/2023 10:46

toddlermam · 30/12/2023 10:23

Fucking hell you can't even have a couple of hundred pounds to spend on yourself for Christmas, what a selfish arsehole

Reckon OP's parents have got the DH sussed.

TravelInHope · 30/12/2023 10:48

Just imagine if the genders were reversed! A huge ‘it’s family money’ pile-on!

DRS1970 · 30/12/2023 10:48

Gifts are only shared as a matter of course if they were given with the intent that they were a joint gift. If your parents gave the money with the intent that you treat yourself, then I think it would be wrong to share it or use it to pay off joint debts. I think your parents would be hurt if you paid off debt with it.

SusanKennedyshouldLTB · 30/12/2023 10:54

Countrybumpkin90 · 30/12/2023 08:40

He’s just one of those people who thinks if you owe anything everything should be pushed at it, its the accountant in him.

And yes, my parents got him presents. They spent quite a lot of money on him and made him a stocking.

Really appreciate the comments, you’ve made me excited to pick out a Christmas present again the whole thing was so tainted last night

He is being an arsehole. He has received plenty of gifts from his parents and yours. Why hasnt he refused them and asked for it to go against the loan instead? Why is it just you he expect to forgo a gift to pay off his debt.

and as your earnings are so different, paying everything 50/50 is very unfair to you.

My parents say they should be able to gift their daughter something without him getting involved
and this makes it sound like he has form for being selfish and your parents recognise it.

SusanKennedyshouldLTB · 30/12/2023 10:55

TravelInHope · 30/12/2023 10:48

Just imagine if the genders were reversed! A huge ‘it’s family money’ pile-on!

But he got gifts. She got cash.

Notjustabrunette · 30/12/2023 10:55

The money was given to you as a gift for you to buy something nice for YOU. It was not given to your husband to pay off his debts to his family. End of discussion.

MsRosley · 30/12/2023 10:56

He's being a selfish arse. If you were my daughter, I'd be furious with him.

WaltzingWaters · 30/12/2023 10:58

Orangello · 30/12/2023 08:15

If I was oyur parents, I would be very upset if you basically gave my gift to you to your ILs.

This. Spend it on you and enjoy. Don’t let him guilt trip you.

LuckySantangelo35 · 30/12/2023 11:01

TravelInHope · 30/12/2023 10:48

Just imagine if the genders were reversed! A huge ‘it’s family money’ pile-on!

@TravelInHope

i wouldn’t say it was family money. It’s the money of whoever it was gifted to.

LuckySantangelo35 · 30/12/2023 11:02

I don’t think anyone has voted YABU op!!

5128gap · 30/12/2023 11:04

Tell him that money is your Christmas present and you should no sooner be expected to put it towards the debt than he should be expected to sell his gifts on eBay to do the same.

BeaRF75 · 30/12/2023 11:04

It's a gift for you, OP, so it's your money. My late MIL used to give my husband (& his siblings) a cheque for £1,000 every Xmas. I never questioned what he did with it, whether he spent it or invested it, because it wasn't mine. I had a good relationship with my MIL, but it was perfectly acceptable for her to want to make generous gifts to her children.
Tell your husband to butt out, and then treat yourself.

Beautiful3 · 30/12/2023 11:06

Your parents knew what your husband would want to do with shared money. That is why they gave it to you, to treat yourself. Sometimes my fil, gifts my husband money. It's not mine, it's his. When my mum was alive, she used to gift me money occasionally too.

NoraBattysCurlers · 30/12/2023 11:06

Your parents have given the money to you to spend on yourself.

We normally share/save everything 50/50 and he earns double what I do so it’s a net gain for me if you know what I mean.

I think many posters are reading this incorrectly.

WonderingWanda · 30/12/2023 11:06

He is a dick op and it's nothing to do with being an accountant. My dh is very responsible with money but would never begrudge me buying something nice for myself, especially if it was a gift from my parents. Put your foot firmly down and ignore is tantrums. If he doesn't like it he knows where to go!

5128gap · 30/12/2023 11:07

TravelInHope · 30/12/2023 10:48

Just imagine if the genders were reversed! A huge ‘it’s family money’ pile-on!

Why on earth should we imagine anything about 'gender' on a thread about Christmas money?

NettleTea · 30/12/2023 11:08

so is he pushing at the moment so that all money is going towards paying off this loan? And where does that leave you, compared to him, at the end of the month? Are you able to save equally in proportion to your wages as he is? Are you able to contribute adequately to a pension - because THAT is a sensible thing an accountant would be looking at. You dont have children yet - have you had any discussion about his contributions to subsidise your wages during maternity leave / if you stay at home/ covering your pension? many of these 'types' seem to think a woman should save up her money so that she is able to still pay 50% during these periods, and drain her savings if she is a SAHM - even if it was his idea to do that - or is pushed back to work sooner than she would like just so he can access her earning. Equally he expects her to pay for all childcare, or says its 'not worth her' returning to work, due to childcare costs, meaning it is near impossible for her career to progress. These are the founding stones of financial abuse, and creating a dependancy where he is able to start to Lord it over her.

Do all your wages go into a big joint pot, out of which bills come and you have equal access to use / save as he does - because thats what 'joint' and 'shared' really means. Or is it that you are paying 50% of everything 'sharing the bills' whilst his savings grow to the detriment of yours, because you are not contributing equitably (you should be paying 1/3rd, to 2/3rd him). And your name is now on that flat - but how is it divided? is it equally or is it some kind of unequal split?

The fact is has eyed up your monetary gift really raises the red flags. Id be having a little look for some others now youve had the warning. They may be able to be nipped in the bud, or they may well be dealbreakers. His reactions and what you find out will be the decider here, but Id take this sulking and huffing (awful behaviour in itself) as an early warning before you start thinking about kids, and while you are still financially independant enough to challenge the control it appears he is beginning to take.

369damnshesfine · 30/12/2023 11:10

Misread! It’s your money for you to spend on yourself!

NettleTea · 30/12/2023 11:11

Oh and also OP - you save 50/50 - I hope that saving account has your name on it too

369damnshesfine · 30/12/2023 11:12

Sorry I completely misread and thought the money was given to your kids!!

That money is yours and yours only!!

Even if it was shared money it shouldn’t be used to pay off debts.

AppleDumplingWithCustard · 30/12/2023 11:13

369damnshesfine · 30/12/2023 11:10

Misread! It’s your money for you to spend on yourself!

Edited

Where did you read that the gift was for her children? Sorry, cross-posted.

ItAintGonnaGoDownEasyIfItAintCheezy · 30/12/2023 11:13

We normally share/save everything 50/50 and he earns double what I do

Do you think you have a good deal here op?

NettleTea · 30/12/2023 11:17

ItAintGonnaGoDownEasyIfItAintCheezy · 30/12/2023 11:13

We normally share/save everything 50/50 and he earns double what I do

Do you think you have a good deal here op?

Im guessing she is looking at the 50% savings. However as i dont think that you can have a 'joint' savings account, it could all be in his name

GreatGateauxsby · 30/12/2023 11:21

The debt is money we owe his parents that he borrowed before we were married

You can afford to repay them

he earns 2x what you do

😅😅😅

he’s having a laugh
go on a spa day or buy something like fancy perfume.