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Original poster

Husband upset, christmas gift money

178 replies

Countrybumpkin90 · 30/12/2023 08:06

Just wanted some outsider perspectives, not sure AITA. My parents have been incredibly kind and generous and have given me some money for Christmas (couple of hundred £) to spend ‘on something just for me’. My husband has taken offence as he believes this should be shared as we are married, and he thinks it should just go into paying down some debt we have. The debt is money we owe his parents that he borrowed before we were married and isn’t too much and we are already almost down to nothing else owed. We are in a good financial position and both are lucky to have good jobs.

On the one hand I do understand that as we are married everything is shared. However, on the other I don’t understand why he can’t just be happy for me. My parents say they should be able to gift their daughter something without him getting involved and I think that’s true too. Turned into a row last night and don’t know aita for wanting to just spend it on something I’d love as my parents intended.

OP posts:
Missingmyusername · 30/12/2023 08:25

Did they get him a present?

hattie43 · 30/12/2023 08:28

What sort of man gets huffy about a gift his wife's parents give her . Ridiculous and I'd say the same if it was his parents gifting him .
I totally agree parents should be able to gift their child without spouse being involved .
He should be saying how lovely go and treat yourself .

Crikeyisthatthetime · 30/12/2023 08:29

Why are people asking what HE got? It's not relevant.
OP it's your money, your present to spend as you choose. And if I were you I'd be making it really clear that his deeply grabby behaviour has decided you into spending every penny of it on yourself.
I'd also be taking a good look at ALL your financial arrangements with him. This is not a man with your best interests at heart, only his own.

ItAintGonnaGoDownEasyIfItAintCheezy · 30/12/2023 08:35

He's a cock. Spend it on a divorce then any money you'd have spent on his debt in the future, have lovely shopping days with it.

Original poster
Countrybumpkin90 · 30/12/2023 08:35

We normally share/save everything 50/50 and he earns double what I do so it’s a net gain for me if you know what I mean. However I would never dream of asking for something his parents have given him, and when they have in the past I’ve just been pleased for him.

Think his parents didn’t get him much this year, so maybe that’s where it’s coming from. I mean it’s so stupid because we are in our 30s and don’t expect anything from our parents really anyway! Maybe I should also mention that my family are more wealthy than his, which I don’t think/care about at all but sometimes he does have a chip on his shoulder…

The debt money I’m fine to pay back because it has benefitted me. I wasn’t involved in the loan but the flat has now been put in my name so I don’t think i could reasonably moan about that one.

I’m loving your advice about asking if he wants to borrow whatever I buy. Really appreciate the perspectives was getting really upset last night. Just feel bad because my parents were just being kind, and feel embarrassed because if it’s a gift I think I should spend as intended.

OP posts:
zen1 · 30/12/2023 08:36

If you’re in a good financial position, both have good jobs and that debt is down to almost nothing as it says in your OP, why is he so keen for you to use your Christmas money to pay off his debt? The money was a gift to you, so I would use it as such.

BeyondMyWits · 30/12/2023 08:37

Would not be an issue here. It would go into our joint account and I'd buy something around the value when I found something I liked.

If you share all your money do you have to account for every penny, or just pop it in the pot and spend it later?

rochethenut · 30/12/2023 08:37

This isn’t a happy marriage

  1. his resentment over this gift
  2. i naturally if gifted would want to share with my husband
  3. then he would argue with me that he wanted me to spend it exclusively on myself
  4. and we’d debate it for a few weeks until finally just spending it on the children or bills or shove it into to joint savings
Doormatnomore · 30/12/2023 08:38

I agree with @Crikeyisthatthetime it’s such an off reaction it’d make me suspicious, especially as you say the loan is almost paid off. Is it openly discussed with his parents? Or does he just take a wedge of money every month against it? If it’s nearly paid off what will happen to the spare money afterwards? I’m terrible with money, as is Dh but there’s never any fights about it because it’s all open to see.

don’t be rushed into spending your gift either just cause he’s hassling you. It’s so nice to get something you really want it shouldn’t be a pressure.

RainDropsStorm · 30/12/2023 08:38

He sounds really financially controlling. You shouldn't be paying anything towards the loan he got from his parents for a property he owns. That was nothing to do with you. Why are you paying his debt?

It's a red flag that he sees your gift money as his money. Its certainly not, its your money to spend on you. The fact he's in the huff about it says a lot about him. Does he emotionally manipulate you a lot op?

Grimpo · 30/12/2023 08:39

Suppose your parents had spent that money on a piece of jewellery for you. Would he be insisting you sell it to pay off the debt? Is he offering to sell off his Christmas presents for that purpose? If the answer to either of those questions is "No" he should STFU.

surreygirl1987 · 30/12/2023 08:39

Actually, if I owed his parental money I'd put it towards that to be honest. Learlg just me though!

Nishky32 · 30/12/2023 08:39

rochethenut · 30/12/2023 08:37

This isn’t a happy marriage

  1. his resentment over this gift
  2. i naturally if gifted would want to share with my husband
  3. then he would argue with me that he wanted me to spend it exclusively on myself
  4. and we’d debate it for a few weeks until finally just spending it on the children or bills or shove it into to joint savings

I agree with your number 2- my parents on a couple of occasions were able to give us a larger than usual money gift. Each time I banked the cheque and sent half to husband’s account

Original poster
Countrybumpkin90 · 30/12/2023 08:40

He’s just one of those people who thinks if you owe anything everything should be pushed at it, its the accountant in him.

And yes, my parents got him presents. They spent quite a lot of money on him and made him a stocking.

Really appreciate the comments, you’ve made me excited to pick out a Christmas present again the whole thing was so tainted last night

OP posts:
Nishky32 · 30/12/2023 08:40

RainDropsStorm · 30/12/2023 08:38

He sounds really financially controlling. You shouldn't be paying anything towards the loan he got from his parents for a property he owns. That was nothing to do with you. Why are you paying his debt?

It's a red flag that he sees your gift money as his money. Its certainly not, its your money to spend on you. The fact he's in the huff about it says a lot about him. Does he emotionally manipulate you a lot op?

The op says the renovated property is now in her name

baubletits · 30/12/2023 08:41

You can use that money on whatever you want, and enjoy it!

It's amazing how different people can be around money, I got some money from my gran for my birthday (not anywhere near the hundreds mark but a nice to have amount) and the first thing my DH said was "I hope you're going to get yourself something nice with it!" because I was planning to put it towards our new kitchen fund!

rochethenut · 30/12/2023 08:41

children?
how long married?

Nishky32 · 30/12/2023 08:41

Countrybumpkin90 · 30/12/2023 08:40

He’s just one of those people who thinks if you owe anything everything should be pushed at it, its the accountant in him.

And yes, my parents got him presents. They spent quite a lot of money on him and made him a stocking.

Really appreciate the comments, you’ve made me excited to pick out a Christmas present again the whole thing was so tainted last night

Oh that’s different if he got presents from them separately- that wasn’t clear initially

RainDropsStorm · 30/12/2023 08:42

@Nishky32 I cross posted with ops update.

Newchapterbeckons · 30/12/2023 08:43

It’s your gift.

I would be so sad if I were your parents.
He sounds utterly joyless op. Tell him to remove his snout from your purse. It’s not your loan to pay anyway!

Missingmyusername · 30/12/2023 08:45

If your parents had purchased you a Chanel handbag, would he want to borrow it?

They’ve given you cash to choose your own gift, he has his gift, he can’t have yours too. It sounds like he had a very nice present from your parents.

Slothmomma · 30/12/2023 08:46

On your birthday, will he be sitting watching you open cards, tallying up any money gifted in them and demanding that the total is paid off against his debts too I wonder?

gamerchick · 30/12/2023 08:46

Tbf I do share money given just like husband shares his bonus with me. But there's nothing wrong with keeping it for yourself. It was given to you.

His debt to his parents is nothing to do with you and all he has achieved is money gifts being hid from him in future.

KohlaParasaurus · 30/12/2023 08:46

You're right to respect your parents' intentions and spend the money on yourself. They may be noticing more about your marriage than you think.

My parents give me some cash to buy myself something on birthdays and at Christmas and would take a dim view of me letting it disappear into the family pot. DH is vaguely aware, and sometimes I spend it on something for both of us, but that's for me to decide.

Grimchmas · 30/12/2023 08:49

The loan from his parents was taken before your time and you are not responsible for it, no matter if you've been put on the property since. The accountant in him bloody well knows that 😠

Your parents didn't gift you money to repay the loan, they gifted you money so that you could choose to buy a nice gift from them for you this Christmas. You should absolutely choose something luxury and delightful for YOU only with the money, and enjoy it with zero guilt. What they intended for the money is important and it is disrespectful to use it to pay down debt in this instance - you don't need it for the debt, and they've clearly expressed what they have gifted it for.

He should give his head a wobble.

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