Accused of financial abuse and theft by my sister

[Mayamymay]

Hi, I hope you’ve all enjoyed Christmas. I actually thought I’d posted last night, but it’s nowhere to be seen!!

A few years ago I fell into some financial difficulties and had a lot of debt at high interest rates. My poor credit rating meant that I wasn’t able to move the debt to a cheaper option.

My parents are retired, comfortable with no debt, but by no means rich. I adore them both. They were keen to help and allowed me to take a loan and a few 0% cards (all with relatively low limits) in their names to save on interest costs. I manage the accounts Online and make the payments directly from my account. They are very clear that they’re pleased to help, but that they see it as their debt in name only. There is no cost to them whatsoever. The payments are made on time. I’ll occasionally use the cards if necessary. We’ve had the awful conversation about inheritance etc and I’ve been clear that if my parents died then any outstanding debt but be cleared from my share of the inheritance. My siblings would not be impacted whatsoever.

my sister has found out about our arrangement as has kicked off, accusing me of being a thief and a financial abuser. Our relationship has been strained for a while now. Dh says that she’s just spiteful and needs go fuck off, but she’s hit a nerve and I can’t stop crying.

is my husband right, and should have just ignore her?

To be completely honest on the surface I can see why your sister is concerned. £20k, or £12k, is a huge amount of debt and then to rope other people in is obviously going to set alarm bells. Take you and your parents out of this equation but apply that circumstance generally, it does look like
someone is taking advantage of someone else regardless of the relationship or specifics. You really shouldn’t spend any more money on those cards, I’d be concerned as to why you STILL have no money before payday that you rely on using credit again after being in £20k debt. Are you doing everything you can to increase your salary, going for promotion, getting skilled, applying for jobs etc? It does come across like you aren’t making the right decisions on the surface

Hi, I’ve used the cards infrequently but not on a regular basis. I’m actually I’m a much better place financially, despite living on a budget. I’m the main earner at the moment - I’m a teacher. I’m also doing exam marking and private tutoring to make more money to throw at the debts, so I am trying to get things sorted.

Not-so-DB was happy to get money off DF for various schemes, which did not turn out well. And to divert money from DF meant originally for DB's DCs (DF's DGC), to himself (DB). DF gave my DC, his other GDC, similar amounts, as was originally intended. I know because I was the one went through DF's accounts to prepare part of the IHT after his death. I am still aghast years later

I only once asked DF to lend us money, for a bridging loan while we waited for our pesky house to sell, and he did so. However, we had a proper, quite simple, agreement drawn up, that in the event of his death we would return the money owed. This was done to keep the Inheritance Tax situation straight.

I have only read your posts, OP, but it sounds like you have had advice to do similar. It also seems to me that you and your DPs have acted in good faith. Ignore your sister!

It sounds as if you and your parents are fine with the agreement, the debts are being paid down and you’ll be clear of them in three years-so your sister can butt out. Quite frankly. it’s none of her business and your parents haven’t been negatively impacted by the arrangement to date.

As PP’s have advised, I’d cut up the cards though and take out one credit card in your name for emergency use only. Ok, you’ll have a higher interest rate, but if you only use it for emergencies and pay it off right away, it will help rebuild your credit score.

Tbh, your situation sounds less complicated than families where parents have lent an adult child a lot of money from their savings and the child doesn’t feel any urgency to repay them One of DH’s sisters has borrowed a lot from their parents and she openly says that she doesn’t know when she’ll pay them back. As they’re in their 80’s now, it’s unlikely to ever happen- but it wasn’t their intention to make it a gift!

You've been making regular payments and will be debt-free in three years.

If it’s 0% then I’d say that using their credit is preferable to taking money out of savings.

it sounds like a reasonable solution to mr but I’d agree that having something in writing would be a good idea.

I bet the parents are really pleased to be able to help.

I’ve borrowed from my parents many times over the years

@Mayamymay
i remortgaged my house last year to help my daughter out of a home. There’s a risk involved but like your parents, I’d do anything to help her out.

she’s also a second card holder on my credit card and will use it occasionally with the agreement that she pays for that part of the bill.

lots of families will support each other in different financial ways. You’ve nothing to be ashamed of x

Just caught up on post. Thanks for everyone who has posted. My dad flies out to Australia in the next couple of days. The three of us ( me, mum dad) are going to meet when they are both back home to iron out the details of what needs to be in the written agreement.

Definitely wise to get it in writing - I think that this will make you feel better too.

How much debt and how much are you paying off over how long
stop using the cards - not only is it not your money, it’s money that should pay off your debt surely?

Hi, it was 20k but is now down to around 12k. You’re right that spending will impact the repayment so this won’t be happening again. I’ve never used the cards regularly- only on occasion

Has there been anything from your sister since the Facebook post? Have your parents said anything about that?

Hi, she’s deleted the post now but mum is very upset about it and feels angry at her.

I can imagine.

It was a private arrangement between you and your parents.

I hope you're feeling much better about the situation now.

I've got a couple of cards I'm hoping to see the back of in 2024! Good luck to you too.

Glad to hear you’ve reached an agreement, OP. Best of luck.

Well done, @mayamymay!!!

not Seeing the issue with this tbh. Your parents have agreed and you’re making the payments so I don’t see how its abusive. It’s not costing them a penny. I don’t even think that using the cards is a big deal other than it’s taking you longer to pay them off.

As a parent I would happily do this for my kids when I’m retired.

I have over 10k on my mums cc’s at 0%/low rates. My car finance is also in her name! It’s never been an issue for us although I have something in my will in case anything happens to me before her! I have death in service pension and life insurance and I’ve stated that a set amount should go to mum in the event if my death.

I have siblings and as far as I’m aware, they’re not aware of these arrangements.

@Hardrocker You’re clearly well-organized but I hope you can get on top of your finances soon. It sounds as if you’ve gone through a tough time if you’re having to do this.

Hi, I try to keep organised. My issues adds due to poor money management (previously) and mental health issues.

Wow, what a thread.

i’ve relied heavily on my parents in the past so no judgement from me. Following my divorce my parents supported me financially and paid off 15k of credit card debt. I’ve never this back so if you’re a financial abuser, then what does that make me 😀

I think you've answered your own question.

Can you elaborate?

I hope the op is ok now. This was a truly horrible thread

i’ve relied heavily on my parents in the past so no judgement from me. Following my divorce my parents supported me financially and paid off 15k of credit card debt. I’ve never this back so if you’re a financial abuser, then what does that make me 😀

Honestly that depends. Did your parents want, need it expect it back? Did it cause problems between them? If yes to to any degree then you are an abuser
Did you try to pay it back? Or was it given freely with no expectation of return? Did you carry on spending knowing they'd pay again? All these variables make a difference.

Sometimes people are abusive without knowing it OPs sister clearly believes OP is abusing their parents.

I think it’s shocking that people throw the term ‘abuser’ around so freely. If I lent my child money and then they were unable to pay, I wouldn’t automatically scream abuse! People get Into difficult circumstances and things don’t always go to plan.

I remember feeling so sorry for OP as people on here we’re just so awful to her, despite there being no evidence whatsoever that she’d acted maliciously.