Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Money matters

Find financial and money-saving discussions including debt and pension chat on our Money forum. If you're looking for ways to make your money to go further, sign up to our Moneysaver emails here.

Original poster

Accused of financial abuse and theft by my sister

382 replies

Mayamymay · 29/12/2023 09:57

Hi, I hope you’ve all enjoyed Christmas. I actually thought I’d posted last night, but it’s nowhere to be seen!!

A few years ago I fell into some financial difficulties and had a lot of debt at high interest rates. My poor credit rating meant that I wasn’t able to move the debt to a cheaper option.

My parents are retired, comfortable with no debt, but by no means rich. I adore them both. They were keen to help and allowed me to take a loan and a few 0% cards (all with relatively low limits) in their names to save on interest costs. I manage the accounts Online and make the payments directly from my account. They are very clear that they’re pleased to help, but that they see it as their debt in name only. There is no cost to them whatsoever. The payments are made on time. I’ll occasionally use the cards if necessary. We’ve had the awful conversation about inheritance etc and I’ve been clear that if my parents died then any outstanding debt but be cleared from my share of the inheritance. My siblings would not be impacted whatsoever.

my sister has found out about our arrangement as has kicked off, accusing me of being a thief and a financial abuser. Our relationship has been strained for a while now. Dh says that she’s just spiteful and needs go fuck off, but she’s hit a nerve and I can’t stop crying.

is my husband right, and should have just ignore her?

OP posts:
Whataretheodds · 29/12/2023 10:14

OK cross-posted. When will you have paid off the cards in full? What % of the balance are you paying off each month?

stallonesbicep · 29/12/2023 10:15

But you arent managing your debt- you've simply transferred the debt to different people/companies. Why haven't you sought out debt advice? This sounds like it only takes one small thing to go horribly wrong. Won't your parent's credit history be affected for them suddenly taking out a loan and several credit cards?- that's a massive red flag for credit checks

NoSquirrels · 29/12/2023 10:16

Where is your husband in all this? You are a financial unit together.

Why isn’t he helping with big bills (which you should budget for through the year, and have an emergency fund) rather than it going on the credit card?

Is your credit rating any better now?

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 29/12/2023 10:17

Mayamymay · 29/12/2023 10:12

I know that’s a risk but I’m on a secure job and am on top of my finances so I think that’s very unlikely. I do know it’s a risk though and it’s one of the things that we discussed

I had a secure job; until I was made redundant and I didn't. If you're on top of your finances why do you need a loan and several credit cards?

KievLoverTwo · 29/12/2023 10:17

Possibly the biggest thing worrying your sister is that they are not in your name.

That's fraud, isn't it?

Maybe she considers that to be highly morally dodgy and thinks worse is yet to come.

Have you previously borrowed and not repaid any money at all either to the folks or your sister?

Have your finances been turbulent over long periods of time?

Darkandstormynite · 29/12/2023 10:18

Sorry but I agree with your sister here.

It's okay when everything is going well, but we all know that doesn't always last. You could land your parents in financial trouble and trash their credit rating as well. Something they may not recover from at an older age. Your DH clearly doesn't care, so his opinion means nothing here.

The fact you're using the cards instead of paying them off is a huge red flag for me. Your debt isn't under control and is likely snowballing.

Your sister is looking out for the welfare of her mum and dad. You currently are not.

CharmedCult · 29/12/2023 10:18

Is the agreement about inheritance actually documented anywhere? Where, exactly?

I can see where your sister is coming from, especially as you’re still using the cards.

Namerequired · 29/12/2023 10:18

Are your parents elderly or vulnerable? Tbh if you were my sister I would be raging too. Are you doing everything to get them paid as quick as possible or just limping along on minimums?
If your parents are young enough and savvy enough and you were literally throwing everything at it to sort it then fair enough, but otherwise I feel it’s wrong.

LinesAndDot · 29/12/2023 10:19

Whether I agree with your sister or not depends on the following:

  1. How many cards and loan/s were taken out by your parents, and for what total amount? And what is the balance of debt you have in your name in cards and/or loans?
  2. As at now, how many cards and loan/s are still open with a debt balance, and what is the total balance owing? Also as at today, what is the total of debt in your name and in how many cards/loans?
  3. what is the projected end date for repayments of the M&D debt, and your own debt.

If I could see that you were on the right track and using this wisely, and working to get M&D’s liability down ASAP I would be supportive. But if I saw the balance hadn’t gone down, or had only gone down a tiny amount, then I’d think the same as your sister and you should wake up and see it in yourself too.

mynameiscalypso · 29/12/2023 10:19

Everything you're saying is making it more concerning. If you're having to use the credit cards for bills before payday, you clearly don't have any leeway in your spending and it wouldn't take much at all for this all to go to shit. No job is 100% secure. What if you had an accident and couldn't work?

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 29/12/2023 10:20

They are very clear that they’re pleased to help, but that they see it as their debt in name only

Not how the credit card companies will see it, I'm afraid.

NOTANUM · 29/12/2023 10:20

I agree with your sister. These are several cards that still get used over a long period of time, not a one off bill that had to be managed.
Not only is it a financial risk to your parents - who may well be more worried about it than you know - it’s a risk to your siblings’ inheritance. As there’s nothing in writing, it means their debts would be cleared as part of the estate before any distribution to you and your sister. Any redistribution is purely optional for you at that point.
If I was your sister, I’d be furious.

Original poster
Mayamymay · 29/12/2023 10:20

He has helped but he wasn’t able to obtain decent rates either. Tbh my marriage isn’t in good shape… but that’s a different post

OP posts:
LoopyGremlin · 29/12/2023 10:20

I would be unhappy with this too. You admit a poor track record with money. What happens if you fall behind with the payments? Your parents would have to step in. Many years ago a family member acted as guarantor for another family member and ended up paying back most of their debt.

NoSquirrels · 29/12/2023 10:20

Mayamymay · 29/12/2023 10:20

He has helped but he wasn’t able to obtain decent rates either. Tbh my marriage isn’t in good shape… but that’s a different post

Are you being financially abused?

Original poster
Mayamymay · 29/12/2023 10:21

I would never ever see my siblings out of pocket. I’m not a bad person

OP posts:
Original poster
Mayamymay · 29/12/2023 10:21

No I’m not

OP posts:
stealthninjamum · 29/12/2023 10:22

Op, I think your sister’s language is extreme but I wouldn’t be able to sleep if I had debts in my parents’ name - especially as this has been going on for years. I think I would take a second job until I’d paid them off.

Jf20 · 29/12/2023 10:22

I think she’s out of line but I see her concern, as I don’t understand why your husband also couldn’t help, which indicates a massive financial issue between you both. Especially is you also need to use the card some times.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 29/12/2023 10:22

Just your parents if it all goes tits up.

If I were you I'd be crossing my fingers VERY hard and hoping DSis hasn't reported fraud and financial abuse to the cc companies.

NoSquirrels · 29/12/2023 10:22

How much did you put in their names?

How much do you owe now?

How much can you pay every month?

Boomboom22 · 29/12/2023 10:23

If they could afford it it's weird they didn't just pay the debt and you pay them back which indicates they could not afford to pay it back back if you did not. So you better be certain you are paying it always.

ripplingwater · 29/12/2023 10:23

but she’s hit a nerve and I can’t stop crying

Yes, because deep down you know this is wrong. You don't pay off existing debts by taking out more loans and more credits cards- that's risky AF. Why haven't you looked into an IVA or sought proper financial advice to legally reduce the debts and pay them off in a manageable fashion? Your parents credit history will already have been affected by this right now just for taking them all out. What if they need to borrow something later on for emergencies?

Boomboom22 · 29/12/2023 10:23

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 29/12/2023 10:22

Just your parents if it all goes tits up.

If I were you I'd be crossing my fingers VERY hard and hoping DSis hasn't reported fraud and financial abuse to the cc companies.

But as her parents have competence this would get nowhere.

LinesAndDot · 29/12/2023 10:24

No one is….until they need money to pay off high interest rates or X or Y. And then suddenly there is no documentation on your loan to your parents, only you manage the accounts online and your siblings have no way of knowing what the agreement was and have to trust your word.

I’m now with your sister. You are financially abusing your parents.