Accused of financial abuse and theft by my sister

[Mayamymay]

Hi, I hope you’ve all enjoyed Christmas. I actually thought I’d posted last night, but it’s nowhere to be seen!!

A few years ago I fell into some financial difficulties and had a lot of debt at high interest rates. My poor credit rating meant that I wasn’t able to move the debt to a cheaper option.

My parents are retired, comfortable with no debt, but by no means rich. I adore them both. They were keen to help and allowed me to take a loan and a few 0% cards (all with relatively low limits) in their names to save on interest costs. I manage the accounts Online and make the payments directly from my account. They are very clear that they’re pleased to help, but that they see it as their debt in name only. There is no cost to them whatsoever. The payments are made on time. I’ll occasionally use the cards if necessary. We’ve had the awful conversation about inheritance etc and I’ve been clear that if my parents died then any outstanding debt but be cleared from my share of the inheritance. My siblings would not be impacted whatsoever.

my sister has found out about our arrangement as has kicked off, accusing me of being a thief and a financial abuser. Our relationship has been strained for a while now. Dh says that she’s just spiteful and needs go fuck off, but she’s hit a nerve and I can’t stop crying.

is my husband right, and should have just ignore her?

Jeez, this is nothing compared to my family. My dad lent my brother 75k for a house deposit. No idea what the terms are but I imagine he’ll be paying it back for years to come.

I’ve never considered it to be any of my business

I've re read every single post and aside from the one deleted poster no-one has abused you , no idea what they said .
Disagreeing with you is not " nastiness" its a different point of view.
There is no foul language,name calling or verbal abuse here.
Just an opinion that this is not ok.

You have had some very good advice here.
Your family relationships are difficult and in the case of your parents unhealthy.
It isnt healthy to get into unsecured debt to get someone,no matter how much you love them,out of debt.
It's setting yourself ( your DP) on fire to keep someone else warm( you)
This is unwise at best,possibly part of emotional manipulation/ coercion at worst.

Whilst you sit in this victim mentality you won't move out of this.
One of the good things about accessing a programme like those offered by Stepchange is that you get support and counselling about how you can make changes to enable you in life and money management going forward.
Yes it's hard,taking a long look at yourself isn't easy but it's the only way things change.

@Infusedwithfigandhoney well said.

@Infusedwithfigandhoney
I've re read every single post and aside from the one deleted poster no-one has abused you , no idea what they said
Disagreeing with you is not " nastiness" its a different point of view.
There is no foul language,name calling or verbal abuse here

C'mon there are plenty of curt pompous replies to the OP. I think many are unkind and deliberately so. I regularly disagree with OPs but am capable of disagreeing without being a jerk, it's not difficult.

Do you genuinely believe answers such as @WhereIsBebèsChambre 's
" So basically 'daddy people are being meeeann!! Prove you love me by saying all the money I owe you is nothing!! Me me me me all that matters is me'?"
aren't meant to be nasty? To me post like that read as though they are deliberately trying to upset the OP.

It's nothing to do with disagreeing with the OP, she has asked for opinions, it's how those opinions are delivered that matters.

Unfortunately there are a lot of posters who are not nice people and get a kick out of trying to upset other posters. It's pathetic.

Just because some people have very uncaring families and leave kids to fend for themselves from 18 doesn't make it normal. Ops parents are normal. Most of the nutty posters on here with the me me victim shit are projecting because of their own poor relationships, they can't understand extended family relationships being loving and not transactional or abusive. It really says a lot more about them.
Also up to your parents what they do with their credit not your siblings etc. Also if op couldn't pay it her parents would rather pay it themselves than her end up homeless, remember op was previously in an abusive relationship where the debt came from not her current husband.
It's deliberately cruel to use the word abuse knowing this. Her parents are not elderly fools either, just ageism again standard on mn. Apparently once you hit 60 you are an idiot who doesn't understand life or finances anymore, poor old dear, who must be treated like a child and paid for. Even if you had your child at 42 so they only just turned 18.

I actually referred to the deleted poster .
The vast majority were not nasty just realistic and firm in their disagreement.
Op asked but didn't like the replies unfortunately

Oh dear!

I agree, some of the replies were just dreadful. I think you’re right that most people would help their kids out in this way and it does say a lot about people’s family relationships when you read some of these comments.

I think that there’s a weird thing that happens on MN where threads take a nasty turn. It’s almost contagious with others piling on . You’ll then see a similar thread with a totally different tone.

I’ve read the thread twice, and whilst it’s not an arrangement that would suit all families, it seems like a perfectly reasonable agreement to help OP out of a hole. How it can be considered as abusive ir coercive is beyond me.

I think that there’s a difference between realistic and firm, and downright unkind.

@Infusedwithfigandhoney
I think your definition of nasty is different to mine, I think a lot of the replies are deliberately nasty and pompous.

It's not difficult to completely disagree but remain polite and kind.

I found that post particularly spiteful too. So unnecessary

Op you have had some proper nasty twats on this thread. And some seriously nasty people projecting here.

Carry on paying as much as you can. Also try to unpick the relationship with your husband which also sounds like it's taking its toil.

As your parents are 100% on board and you have their consent for everything don't worry about all these idiots talking about financial abuse, there is none. Your parents are happy to help you and as long as you pay it off to the best of your ability and don't take the piss, you shouldn't beat yourself up over this or feel ashamed. Those emotions are self defeating and serve no purpose.

Just keep chipping at the debt and look forward to the day that you are debt free.

Plenty of parents lend or give to their adult children.
We are talking about taking on unsecured debt and an adult using the CC taken out in someone else's name.
There is not a single FA in the land who would recommend this.
It's incredibly risky, unwise and is associated with manipulation and coercion.
Look up safeguarding and financial abuse.
Normalising this is wrong, what it says about family relationships is that they are likely to be toxic/ co dependent.

A reputable charity like Stepchange will also provide excellent support , help to rebuild credit score( Op will have missed out on this) and give expert financial advice.
Part of getting out of debt is changing mindset not just paying it back.

I’ve read the whole thread so I don’t need any points clarified. I think I have a good understanding of the agreement that OP has made with her parents.

I work with victims of domestic abuse everyday, some of whom have experienced financial abuse. FA is a horrendous form of abuse, but it isn’t what the OP has described. To make sweeping statements is not only naive, it’s downright disrespectful to actual FA victims. Nothing in this thread suggests FA.

The OP has described an agreement between her and her parents. An agreement that they consented to. You have jumped to conclusions about OP abs her motives, as well as capability of the parents.

Steochange are a wonderful charity that many of my families work with, however their purpose is to arrange either Informal debt management plans (DMP), or to advise on formal solutions such as IVA’s or bankruptcy. They don’t specifically support with improving credit scores. I’ve actually just checked this with my friend who works for them and this is correct.

Try to have a little compassion for those who are clearly struggling x

Nothing in this thread suggests FA.

Op is hardly going to admit to it but it's possible.
I work with families and FA in families is very common, taking on unsecured debt rings alarm bells here as does keeping it a secret.
Not naive at all sadly I've seen it all, across all areas of society.

You misunderstood my point.
The formal solutions of managing and paying debt yourself with no defaults is what improves CS, Op is unfortunately paying the debts but because its in the parents name she doesn't benefit.
With a plan she would but also benefit from the support and advice.
Compassion is enabling someone to manage their own money by empowering them.
Nothing I have said is disrespectful to victims of FA.
I work with them on a daily basis, some of the cases are beyond belief as are the justifications.
It's so entwined in family politics/ generational trauma / enmeshment and emotions that few people really understand the extent of it .

A reputable charity like Stepchange will also provide excellent support , help to rebuild credit score( Op will have missed out on this) and give expert financial advice.

And would have frozen/stopped the interest too which is what the OP wanted the 0% balance transfers cards for.

You misunderstood my point.
The formal solutions of managing and paying debt yourself with no defaults is what improves CS, Op is unfortunately paying the debts but because its in the parents name she doesn't benefit.

sorry but that’s not correct. A formal solution such as an IVA or bankruptcy would lead to defaults/negative markers on the credit file. They are still the right choice for some, but they all negatively impact credit score. Transferring some of the debt into the parents name will have reduced OP’s overall utilisation, which can improve credit score.

Hi, I wasn’t going to post again today as it’s taken over a bit, however there have been a couple of comments asking why we didn’t seek debt advice. We did.

I contacted both stepchange and PayPlan and actually completed the debt remedy tool with stepchange. We were advised against entering into a debt management plan or IVA as whilst our debts were concerning us, we are able to afford the minimum payments. Apparently such plans aren’t recommended if you’re able to service your debt, even at the minimum level as creditors are unlikely to offer an interest freeze or reduced payment for customers who are able to afford the contractual payments.

our issue was the interest- we were wasting hundreds of pounds a month on interest costs with no option of Balance transfers (due to our high debt levels). This is why my parents offer was so helpful.

Oh dear!
An IVA or Bankcrupcy would never be advised on a debt of 20K if Op can make the payments.
The fee for an IVA would be 8-10k alone plus the Op is a homeowner.
Formal as in an arranged negotiated plan with interest frozen in some cases ( Op says this wasn't offered )
Really you have zero idea of what you are talking about 😂

Good luck for the future Op

@14Q
You seriously need to take him to court for the money back

But then she wouldn’t have had a credit card she could still keep using… ;)

Sorry, but I’m struggling to see your point here?

I said ..”A formal solution such as an IVA or bankruptcy would lead to defaults/negative markers on the credit file. They are still the right choice for some”. The OP took advice, and these options were not advised.For others, these options would be suitable. There are no maximum or minimum amounts for an IVA, however there are other tools available for lower levels of debt, such as a debt relief order. I’m struggling to see what you’ve taken issue with??

I also think that you may have failed to read the thread thoroughly as the OP states that the debt was 40k at the start, and not 20K. 20K was the amount of debt that the parents took in their name.

Your comment “Really you have zero idea of what you are talking about 😂” is a good example of some of the unpleasant behaviour that others have called out. Totally unnecessary, especially when your post is based on inaccuracies.

I logged out of mumsnet a while back due to some awful responses to posts. It seems that nothing has changed. This is just disgusting. OP you need to hide this thread and erase it from your brain. I’m disgusted at the level of bile you’ve received, some of which will have come from other women.

you’ve done nothing wrong and this arrangement has got fuck all to do with your sister. Your parents sound wonderful and I hope that I’ll be in a position to help my kids if they ever need it.

disgusting eh? I hope OP is ok

@Mayamymay are you ok???

I am thank you. Apart from not being able to sleep!