Accused of financial abuse and theft by my sister

[Mayamymay]

Hi, I hope you’ve all enjoyed Christmas. I actually thought I’d posted last night, but it’s nowhere to be seen!!

A few years ago I fell into some financial difficulties and had a lot of debt at high interest rates. My poor credit rating meant that I wasn’t able to move the debt to a cheaper option.

My parents are retired, comfortable with no debt, but by no means rich. I adore them both. They were keen to help and allowed me to take a loan and a few 0% cards (all with relatively low limits) in their names to save on interest costs. I manage the accounts Online and make the payments directly from my account. They are very clear that they’re pleased to help, but that they see it as their debt in name only. There is no cost to them whatsoever. The payments are made on time. I’ll occasionally use the cards if necessary. We’ve had the awful conversation about inheritance etc and I’ve been clear that if my parents died then any outstanding debt but be cleared from my share of the inheritance. My siblings would not be impacted whatsoever.

my sister has found out about our arrangement as has kicked off, accusing me of being a thief and a financial abuser. Our relationship has been strained for a while now. Dh says that she’s just spiteful and needs go fuck off, but she’s hit a nerve and I can’t stop crying.

is my husband right, and should have just ignore her?

What an oddly aggressive response.
Has anyone questioned your sisters entitlement to inheritance? My parents lent me £10k for my first deposit on a flat and my brother made a fuss about putting it in their will. My dads response was basically "how dare you tell me how I can spend my money, if I want to spend every last penny in my lifetime I will". I Can't stand the thought of my children thinking they can tell me what I should do financially in order to protect their own interests. Of course that's my priority, but how I choose to go about it is my decision.
If one of my children needed help due to debt accrued escaping an abusive relationship, my choice would be to help them there and then, not protect my other child's future (assumed) inheritance.

Well done op, ignore people who are critical. You listened to people’s opinions on a thread and now you’re taking action. I would document it and make a plan to pay it quicker, you could possibly start a new thread on cutting your expenses or increasing your income?

I can understand your parents wanting to help however there comes a time when the roles become reversed and the child starts to help and protect their parents…sometimes from themselves. You need to own your dept. Your parents should not be made financially vulnerable by your actions.

you’ve made your justifiably concerned sister into the bad guy in your fathers eyes and that is so wrong on so many levels.

The sister has never mentioned inheritance, in fact it's only the OP that has assumed entitlement to inheritance, it's her ultimate repayment plan!

It’s a bit daft to say you hate yourself over this- it’s not ideal but you’re just doing your best to get out of a sticky situation- I bet most people would do the same, in the same scenario. As long as you pay it off as agreed you’ve done nothing to be ashamed of.

Think most of us would do the same for our children.

I’ve never said that! That’s simply untrue. Be actually said that the debt should be reissue by 2026 BUT if my parents were to die prematurely then my inheritance would be reduced accordingly

@diefledermaus so as long as your OK.....

She isn’t concerned about them. Sorry, but she just isn’t. It’s not about them, it’s about her using any opportunity to bring others down. It’s a well established pattern of behaviour on her part

I’ve no idea why you’re being so awful to me? Surely having a plan if the absolute the worst scenario happened is preferable??

‘she’s just put a post about it on her Facebook’

This is wrong of her and you may need to limit contact with her.

Shame and embarrassment are feelings you need to let go of as they are not productive.

Cut up the cards and don’t use them again. It did sound like you were manipulating your Dad by asking his permission after the fact and you want to hold onto the cards and keep spending on them like a get out of debt free card, this is not a nice way to treat your Dad especially as he has been so generous and helpful.

Stop spending on your Dad’s credit card and pay off the debt asap.

If it's my money, I will spend it how I want it, and an adult child acting entitled to it would if anything make me want to spend their inheritance more
Starting to wonder if you are the sister based on your OTT responses to the OP. She is clearly upset at the incorrect assumptions being made and you're continuing to go in on her!

Thank you for your reply and for being kind.

with regards to my dad and asking permission etc, I’ve always asked before using the cards etc. I’ve never done anything without their consent. Not once

@Mayamymay I'd suggest ignoring her - It's either your sister or someone who didn't get the inheritance they imagined they were entitled to so feel bitter about it

OP, don't let yourself get wound up by posters who have said you've behaved badly or irresponsibly. You said you got into debt due to your shite ex Ex husband which is something that can happen to financially astute people and you have said your parents were fully in favour of taking out the loan for you.

I know there is a very small risk for them but it's nothing that many parents wouldn't do for their child. It's something that they could do for their daughter that wouldn't cost them anything.
It's not unusual for parents and adult children to trust each other completely.

OP, glad the meeting with your Dad went well. I agree that it would be good to pay the money back as soon as possible.

@Mayamymay I would do what your parents have done for my own children as 0% deals are a game changer when paying down debt. I think what has riled most people up is the continued spending which although you always got permission for feels not in the spirit of the original agreement.

Your sister is being mean and vindictive and it isn’t any of her business. I can see her initial alarm and point of view with the additional spending on your Dad’s cards raising red flags however, you’ve not caused your parents any hardships so once she had all the facts she should have let it go.

Carry on paying down the debt as aggressively as you can. Don’t spend on the cards again. Ignore your sister she will more than likely hold this against you for the rest of your life don’t let her have any power on how that makes you feel let her wallow in her own feelings of outrage. Life’s too short to let others make you feel like crap. You have loving parents who wanted to help and they have done you a great service.

Good lord. Op. That’s so bad. Your father reassured you? Really? About the people on this thread and your sister, pointing out the truth? How old are you?

and you are still not answering on your husband etc.

Did you miss the part she’s married and her husband can’t get zero interest cards, so clearly has signficant debt of his own?

There are always a couple of twats on every "trending" MN thread. Ignore them.

My husband also left a previous marriage with money issues- house repossessed etc. neither of us were able to get decent rates. There’s nothing more to it than that really

I just don’t get the nastiness?

I have to agree with @Aaarrrh's last paragraph about how unfortunate it is that the sis has come out of this as the one in the wrong.

I think you were out of order in speaking with Dad about this to get reassurance. So nothing has changed. You're even still saying that you'll continue to use the credit cards "if absolutely necessary". Surely if you have any sort of pride you'd make damn sure that you won't take out any more debt in your parents name?!

Take ownership of your situation and show him that you're now being responsible for your debts. And make your DH take responsibility too.

I won’t be using the cards again. The “absolutely necessary” we’re my dads words.

He reassured me that they are happy to help and that I’ve nothing to feel bad about. He told me that they are reassured that it’s helped me (it has saved me a lot of money in interest)

He's unlikely to have said different is he? Indeed it has saved you a lot of interest and given you a clean slate with credit card companies, etc. Of course he and your mum wanted to help you but this was not the way to do it and you should never have agreed to them putting themselves in this position on your behalf.

he doesn’t feel like he’s been abused or misled and couldn’t understand why my sister said that.

Is he fully aware of the impact on his credit rating, the liability he will bear if you fail to make the repayments or increase the debt?

I hope you never put your parents in this position again and I hope you are serious about paying the lot off as quickly as possible and sooner than you intended, that you never use those cards again, and that you have learnt a valuable lesson regarding your finances and debt management.

Op as much as you need to hear diverse opinions on this matter you know the truth of the discussions and what you are doing. Are you ok with it? (Take the guilt of being in this situation out of it)