Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Money matters

Find financial and money-saving discussions including debt and pension chat on our Money forum. If you're looking for ways to make your money to go further, sign up to our Moneysaver emails here.

Original poster

Accused of financial abuse and theft by my sister

382 replies

Mayamymay · 29/12/2023 09:57

Hi, I hope you’ve all enjoyed Christmas. I actually thought I’d posted last night, but it’s nowhere to be seen!!

A few years ago I fell into some financial difficulties and had a lot of debt at high interest rates. My poor credit rating meant that I wasn’t able to move the debt to a cheaper option.

My parents are retired, comfortable with no debt, but by no means rich. I adore them both. They were keen to help and allowed me to take a loan and a few 0% cards (all with relatively low limits) in their names to save on interest costs. I manage the accounts Online and make the payments directly from my account. They are very clear that they’re pleased to help, but that they see it as their debt in name only. There is no cost to them whatsoever. The payments are made on time. I’ll occasionally use the cards if necessary. We’ve had the awful conversation about inheritance etc and I’ve been clear that if my parents died then any outstanding debt but be cleared from my share of the inheritance. My siblings would not be impacted whatsoever.

my sister has found out about our arrangement as has kicked off, accusing me of being a thief and a financial abuser. Our relationship has been strained for a while now. Dh says that she’s just spiteful and needs go fuck off, but she’s hit a nerve and I can’t stop crying.

is my husband right, and should have just ignore her?

OP posts:
PlacidPenelope · 29/12/2023 18:45

I remember my dad acting as guarantor for my car loan when I was 22 (I’m 50 now) which is essentially the same thing.

Difference being the loan was in your name and if you defaulted they would come after you first and then the guarantor, in the OP's scenario the debt is solely in her parents names, her name doesn't figure at all so guess who will be chased if OP defaults, guess whose credit rating is taking the hit here? A clue - it is not the OP.

DriftingDora · 29/12/2023 18:56

Winmaiden · 29/12/2023 18:27

I’ve just say and read all of this post and it’s certainly evoked a response!

my view is that OP is a financial abuser, or a thief. As someone who supports victims of abuse within my job, I’m sensitive to the term abuser being used erroneously.

from what OP has posted, it sounds as though her parents were happy with the agreement. We can all have a view on whether it’s something we would have done on this situation, but ultimately it’s between OP and the parents.

As a mother I’ve asked myself what I’d do if my child needed this type of support. I’ve no doubt that I’d agree to do it if it made my child’s life easier and reduced stress. Whilst it’s not risk free, there is little impact on the parents of the debts payments are made on time each month. I remember my dad acting as guarantor for my car loan when I was 22 (I’m 50 now) which is essentially the same thing.

i’m disappointed with some of the very harsh comments that OP has received and feel that this is largely unwarranted.

I think it’s ok for the sister to look out for her parents, but throwing around accusations of abuse and they is disproportionate and unfair

Er...? Have you actually read the first sentence of your second paragraph? Quote:

'my view is that OP is a financial abuser, or a thief.'

Perhaps you were right?

Jf20 · 29/12/2023 19:00

It’s odd you’re not addressing why your husband can’t get a lower interest card and why your parents had to step in, why you need to use the cards to pay big bills, and if you’ve relied on them before , there is further debt etc, you don’t need to respond, but I guess it’s telling that you don’t.

Winmaiden · 29/12/2023 19:06

DriftingDora · 29/12/2023 18:56

Er...? Have you actually read the first sentence of your second paragraph? Quote:

'my view is that OP is a financial abuser, or a thief.'

Perhaps you were right?

Show quote history

Oh shit…. How do you edit?

LaughingCat · 29/12/2023 19:07

CharmedCult · 29/12/2023 16:55

That’s nothing like the OP and your dad will have had to confirm to conveyancers that the 30k was indeed a loan to be repaid to him, so if you’d died or became incapacitated he would have had an interest in the property.

Show quote history

No, he didn’t. He gifted it to me entirely, transferred into my account and we never told the conveyancers or the bank, so he had no interest in the house. The agreement for me to pay it back to him was entirely between us.

I used my £30k to put a deposit on a house. The OP used her £40k to pay off her debts, following what sounds like an abusive relationship. She’s paid a large portion of it back, regularly and sustainably, and will presumably continue to do so until it’s paid off. Her parents sound perfectly content with this arrangement, like my dad was with mine.

I’m confused how either of those are different from each other?

Daffodilsandtuplips · 29/12/2023 19:10

Winmaiden · 29/12/2023 19:06

Oh shit…. How do you edit?

Show quote history

Click on the three little dots top right of your original post, scroll down until you see ‘edit. Click on it.
Have to be quick though it’s time limited.

Winmaiden · 29/12/2023 19:14

Winmaiden · 29/12/2023 18:27

I’ve just say and read all of this post and it’s certainly evoked a response!

my view is that OP is a financial abuser, or a thief. As someone who supports victims of abuse within my job, I’m sensitive to the term abuser being used erroneously.

from what OP has posted, it sounds as though her parents were happy with the agreement. We can all have a view on whether it’s something we would have done on this situation, but ultimately it’s between OP and the parents.

As a mother I’ve asked myself what I’d do if my child needed this type of support. I’ve no doubt that I’d agree to do it if it made my child’s life easier and reduced stress. Whilst it’s not risk free, there is little impact on the parents of the debts payments are made on time each month. I remember my dad acting as guarantor for my car loan when I was 22 (I’m 50 now) which is essentially the same thing.

i’m disappointed with some of the very harsh comments that OP has received and feel that this is largely unwarranted.

I think it’s ok for the sister to look out for her parents, but throwing around accusations of abuse and they is disproportionate and unfair

Won’t allow me to edit but I meant to say that I DON’T think that op is an abuser or a thief

PlacidPenelope · 29/12/2023 20:12

LaughingCat · 29/12/2023 19:07

No, he didn’t. He gifted it to me entirely, transferred into my account and we never told the conveyancers or the bank, so he had no interest in the house. The agreement for me to pay it back to him was entirely between us.

I used my £30k to put a deposit on a house. The OP used her £40k to pay off her debts, following what sounds like an abusive relationship. She’s paid a large portion of it back, regularly and sustainably, and will presumably continue to do so until it’s paid off. Her parents sound perfectly content with this arrangement, like my dad was with mine.

I’m confused how either of those are different from each other?

Show quote history

Who would be chasing your dad for repayment if you defaulted or couldn't pay him back due to job loss, incapacity, etc.? Did your dad borrow the 30k in his name to give to you?

It wasn't the OP's 40k it wasn't even her parents 40k it is the loan company and the credit cards 40k and if the OP defaults or racks up more debt on those cards then it is not the OP who will be liable it is her parents.

Original poster
Mayamymay · 29/12/2023 20:14

PlacidPenelope · 29/12/2023 20:12

Who would be chasing your dad for repayment if you defaulted or couldn't pay him back due to job loss, incapacity, etc.? Did your dad borrow the 30k in his name to give to you?

It wasn't the OP's 40k it wasn't even her parents 40k it is the loan company and the credit cards 40k and if the OP defaults or racks up more debt on those cards then it is not the OP who will be liable it is her parents.

Show quote history

It was 20k at the start- 20k in Parents names

OP posts:
PlacidPenelope · 29/12/2023 20:20

My apologies, I was quoting another poster who used the 40k figure which I think you mentioned earlier.

Either way you should not have put the liability for the debt onto your parents, the reaction of your sister is reasonable and understandable.

Original poster
Mayamymay · 29/12/2023 20:25

I’ve been at my dads house for the past two hours. We had a long conversation, discussed the amount remaining etc

i told dad about this thread ( he doesn’t really understand or use forums), the responses I’ve received and how I’m feeling awful about the situation. He reassured me that they are happy to help and that I’ve nothing to feel bad about. He told me that they are reassured that it’s helped me (it has saved me a lot of money in interest)

we discussed me using the cards on occasions. He said that he didn’t care as long as I paid it off, but agreed that this would slow down clearing the debt, so. Should be avoided unless absolutely necessary.

he doesn’t feel like he’s been abused or misled and couldn’t understand why my sister said that.

we’ve agreed to get everything in writing as soon as mum returns from Australia. He has asked me not to discuss it with my sister- he feels that it’s a private matter and that he wouldn’t tell me about financial support that he be mum have offered my siblings. Apparently he’s had words with sister over her comments

I appreciate everyone’s comments- even the tough ones and it has given me a kick up the ass to pay this off more quickly

OP posts:
MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 29/12/2023 20:39

He has asked me not to discuss it with my sister- he feels that it’s a private matter and that he wouldn’t tell me about financial support that he be mum have offered my siblings. Apparently he’s had words with sister over her comments

Good that you're going to get this documented as we suggested upthread, so as to keep the situation regularised in case of questions over inheritance.

How did she find out?

Original poster
Mayamymay · 29/12/2023 20:41

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 29/12/2023 20:39

He has asked me not to discuss it with my sister- he feels that it’s a private matter and that he wouldn’t tell me about financial support that he be mum have offered my siblings. Apparently he’s had words with sister over her comments

Good that you're going to get this documented as we suggested upthread, so as to keep the situation regularised in case of questions over inheritance.

How did she find out?

My brother (lives at home) knew and mentioned it accidentally. He doesn’t have an issue with it but I do question why he would have mentioned it to her

OP posts:
WhereIsBebèsChambre · 29/12/2023 20:45

So basically 'daddy people are being meeeann!! Prove you love me by saying all the money I owe you is nothing!! Me me me me all that matters is me'?

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 29/12/2023 20:45

My brother (lives at home) knew and mentioned it accidentally. He doesn’t have an issue with it but I do question why he would have mentioned it to her

Perhaps your father should have words with DB, then. Perhaps DB was concerned about it as well as your sister. Seems like nearly everyone knew but your sister, and in her place that would make me angry, too.

Original poster
Mayamymay · 29/12/2023 20:46

WhereIsBebèsChambre · 29/12/2023 20:45

So basically 'daddy people are being meeeann!! Prove you love me by saying all the money I owe you is nothing!! Me me me me all that matters is me'?

That’s really unfair and not at all how the conversation went

OP posts:
Original poster
Mayamymay · 29/12/2023 20:48

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 29/12/2023 20:45

My brother (lives at home) knew and mentioned it accidentally. He doesn’t have an issue with it but I do question why he would have mentioned it to her

Perhaps your father should have words with DB, then. Perhaps DB was concerned about it as well as your sister. Seems like nearly everyone knew but your sister, and in her place that would make me angry, too.

DB is practically horizontal and nothing ever really bothers him. Like me, he has a tricky relationship with our sister.

OP posts:
WhereIsBebèsChambre · 29/12/2023 20:49

Mayamymay · 29/12/2023 20:46

That’s really unfair and not at all how the conversation went

Show quote history

But is it true? Do you claim victim hood?

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 29/12/2023 20:51

He still knew, though, and presumably thought she should. Handy that that 'tricky' relationship keeps DSis in the dark about things.

TheaBrandt · 29/12/2023 20:52

Sorry I think this is worse! Whining to your poor dad because you feel bad about exploiting him!

Original poster
Mayamymay · 29/12/2023 20:53

WhereIsBebèsChambre · 29/12/2023 20:49

But is it true? Do you claim victim hood?

Show quote history

Not at all, I’m responsible for all of it and I hate myself for it. I don’t understand why you’d post something so cruel

OP posts:
Original poster
Mayamymay · 29/12/2023 20:54

TheaBrandt · 29/12/2023 20:52

Sorry I think this is worse! Whining to your poor dad because you feel bad about exploiting him!

I wasn’t whining, I was talking to him about my concerns and how I can make it right

OP posts:
TheaBrandt · 29/12/2023 20:55

Pay it all back cut up the cards and stop involving your parents in your financial affairs. Thankfully your sister is wise to this now.

whowhatwerewhy · 29/12/2023 21:03

I'm glad you have had a conversation with your DDad .
I think you will feel a lot better once everything is documented.
I have to agree to not spend on the credit cards going forward as it will hamper you paying them off . Maybe take another look at your payment plan, can you pay more / put extra aside for the unexpected so you don't need to reach for the credit card.

Unlike most I believe your parents went into this with their eyes open and simply wanted to help you . My DS currently owes me money but I would rather him borrow of me than pay interest on a loan or credit card .

Original poster
Mayamymay · 29/12/2023 21:04

TheaBrandt · 29/12/2023 20:55

Pay it all back cut up the cards and stop involving your parents in your financial affairs. Thankfully your sister is wise to this now.

I agree with the first bit of your post however nothing good will come from my sister knowing….. she’s just put a post about it on her Facebook.

OP posts: