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Original poster

Should I halve my inheritance with my sister?

503 replies

Loluk · 07/10/2023 23:24

Hi all,

I'm in a bit of a situation and I'd like to know what your guys' opinion is on this. Because I'm genuinely torn in two.

So, for context my mother passed away 5 years ago. In my grandmother's will she was left half of the house as well as my uncle. However, it states in the will that if she (my mom) passes away before my grandmother it will automatically go to her children - my sister and I.

My grandmother was very vocal about this, hence us knowing about it.
I took over caring for my nan when my mom passed away, for the past 5 years. My sister has seen her maybe once or twice within these 5 years. My grandmother spoke to me and said she wanted to change her will so that my uncle gets half of the house and I get the other half. She wanted to cut my sister out as I'd done so much for her and my sister hadn't seen her for years.
I of course said this was a bad idea and although I get the sentiment behind it (she is a beautiful lady), it should of been my mom's money, so in turn should be both my sisters and I's money.

She went with my uncle to change the will anyway. I have told my sister as I don't want there to be any secrets between us. She obviously was not happy and refuses to see my grandmother at all now.

My dad said when I receive the money that I must give my sister half anyway as it would be majorly unfair. I said I would. But I felt pressured into saying that but not really knowing how I truly feel.
I'm not unkind but my sister is in her 30s and still living at my dad's, rent free, bill free etc. Whereas I am a homeowner who is very much struggling. The money would help me massively and would help us get back on track. But also I'm aware it's family money so it should be split between my sister and I?

Some people I've spoken to are saying, it's your grandmother's money, she can do what she wants with it. Some are saying I would be selfish to not share with my sister.

What do you guys think?

OP posts:
AFieldGuideToTrees · 08/10/2023 00:37

Banana1979 · 08/10/2023 00:30

@AFieldGuideToTrees you are projecting your sister new relationships onto the OP who is an entirely different position and relationship with her sister

Show quote history

OP said her sister was uncaring, and that she would give her all the inheritance if it meant her sister acted in a more caring way towards her, so not projecting that much.

And it works both ways with people saying not to spoil the relationship between OP and her sister when OP has said it's not as loving and caring as she wants it to be.

So I say to OP, don't expect her sister to change or care any when she receives the money from OP.

Boomboom22 · 08/10/2023 00:37

Give her a token but meaningful amount like 25 to 50k and explain about col crisis.

stillplentyofjunkinthetrunk · 08/10/2023 00:37

Fleabane · 07/10/2023 23:36

Why did your mum's estate not pass to her children?

the mum died before the grandmother, therefore the money in question never actually belonged to the mother.

My answer would be that your grandmother's money belongs to your grandmother. As long as she is of sound mind and hasn't been unduly influenced there is no reason not to honour her will.

OTOH say for the sake of argument you received 100k from any other source like a lottery win would you give your sister a gift and if so how much?

If she won 100k on the lottery how much would she give you?

AFieldGuideToTrees · 08/10/2023 00:40

If she won 100k on the lottery how much would she give you?

Good question!

Pretendthatwearedead · 08/10/2023 00:41

I think you should split it. You are getting it because she is your grandmother. She is also your sister's grandmother. I would feel I was stealing from my sister if I kept it all for myself.

Flopsythebunny · 08/10/2023 00:41

Loluk · 08/10/2023 00:02

Thank you all for your support. I will give my sister half. Although she's never really been there for me and never will be probably I don't want to lose what little family I have left. Its not worth it. I'd give her all of it if it meant I could have some type of relationship with her. Just wish my mom was still here 😔

Would your sister give you half if the situation was reversed? There's your answer.
It doesn't sound like you're close anyway and it sounds like your sister is the golden child in your dad's eyes.
You have your own family now. Put them first.

ChamaChamaChamaChameleon · 08/10/2023 00:41

OP I don't think you giving your sister half will make any difference. If she hasn't bothered with you so far giving her lots of money isn't going to change her mind.
You grandmother wanted you to have it. So honour her wishes and keep it.
It's that simple.

You'll be even more disappointed once you give her the money only to have the same indifference that you experience now, with the added sting of having paid for the privilege.

ChamaChamaChamaChameleon · 08/10/2023 00:43

Pretendthatwearedead · 08/10/2023 00:41

I think you should split it. You are getting it because she is your grandmother. She is also your sister's grandmother. I would feel I was stealing from my sister if I kept it all for myself.

Wrong. She's getting it not just because she's a granddaughter but she's actually caring for her grandmother.
If neither of the sisters bothered and a stranger swooped into to do that granny might have left it to them instead.
As MN says nobody is entitled to an inheritance their money their choice.

JennyJenny8675309 · 08/10/2023 00:46

Trust me—you need to split the money with your sister, absolutely. If you don’t, you will likely have a long, long estrangement and the rift will never end. Do what your mum would have done with the money. It’s shit that your sister didn’t step up to help care for your nan, but still not worth the heartache this will cause. Don’t start thinking about that half as “yours”. Just plan on doing the right thing. Money IS usually the root of all evil.

TheCatterall · 08/10/2023 00:54

@Loluk is your sister the golden child and always made excuses for by your dad?

frankly she’s never been there for you when needed, your whole family dynamic sounds like you’d be better off emotionally if you walked away from them if they can’t accept your grandmothers will.

also - legally would you have any tax or issues if you just gave your sister some of your inheritance?

honestly I think now is the time to walk away. Not being there for you after your helped her and dad with their grief over your mother - and losing your child. I’d never forgive her for that and would have been done at that point.

Marygoesround · 08/10/2023 00:56

Either way OP, you've likely lost your sister if she's willing for this to be a thing that comes between you. She's making a decision as much as you are.

Love cannot be bought, people show their true colours etc. In times of grief it's easy to be emotionally blackmailed. There simply is no right answer, what you need is love and compassion to reach a decision and absolute knowledge that you will be loved unconditionally regardless of what that decision is. Few people are that selfless therefore you are left with no choice but to deal with this burden alone and consider all your responsibilities. A good sister would respect that.

Pudmyboy · 08/10/2023 00:57

wildwestpioneer · 07/10/2023 23:31

It's up to your grandmother what she does with her estate, she wants you to have it so i'd abide by her wishes. Inheritance is a gift, not a given.

Your sister will get an inheritance from her father no doubt.

This is excellent advice

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 08/10/2023 00:58

JennyJenny8675309 · 08/10/2023 00:46

Trust me—you need to split the money with your sister, absolutely. If you don’t, you will likely have a long, long estrangement and the rift will never end. Do what your mum would have done with the money. It’s shit that your sister didn’t step up to help care for your nan, but still not worth the heartache this will cause. Don’t start thinking about that half as “yours”. Just plan on doing the right thing. Money IS usually the root of all evil.

Her Mum gave everything to her boyfriend rather than her daughters - be a bit bizarre for the Op to do what her mum would have done…

2021x · 08/10/2023 00:59

She will only get upset if she is expecting an certain amount i.e. if she knows what you actually inherited.

Wait until you actually get the inheritance (minus the tax) in your bank account. Then you can decide what amount works for you + nice holiday for your hard work, and then give the rest to the sister.

Moonshine86 · 08/10/2023 01:01

I would definitely give my sister half. Personally I think it would be selfish not to.

Pudmyboy · 08/10/2023 01:06

Loluk · 07/10/2023 23:45

@Codlingmoths yes he does recognise what I've done for her. I also cared my for my dad and sister when my mom died as they didn't handle it well. Then finally when they were ok, I wasn't and fell into a deep depression. My sister wasn't there for me, neither was she there for me when my friend died or when my baby died. I love my sister so much but she's not a caring person

Oh @Loluk so very sorry for your losses 💐
Sadly this does put your dad and sister in quite a poor light, seem keen to have the money but not be there in any way for the person.
Also intrigued that your Mum decided to not leave anything to her daughters in her own will. Sounds like a very complicated family dynamic, I am glad you get on so well with your grandmother though sad to hear she is ill

Nanaof1 · 08/10/2023 01:09

abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz12 · 08/10/2023 00:19

Ffs, your sister sounds like a bit of a leech to be honest. She can't even be bothered to see your gran, why on earth should she expect to inherit?

And whatever your mum thought is pretty irrelevant in this situation, if gran had gone first your mum's boyfriend would have got the lot, so your sister still wouldn't have got her hands in any of it.

Unless you have a good relationship with Sid already (which it sounds like you don't, given she has been no support through done pretty bad times), giving her money is not going to change anything, she'll just take it and still be rubbish

That's the one thing that has befuddled me. Dear Mum says she would leave the house to her daughters, yet, she left everything and the kitchen sink to her BF. Chances are, the house would have been sold, with Mum and uncle each getting half and Mum would have left it all to BF or even spent a great portion of it.

I would share with my sister, but not half. Not sure what % would be "nice" to give her but I wouldn't give her half. There has to be a compromise that would work.

AliceMcK · 08/10/2023 01:10

Loluk · 08/10/2023 00:13

@AliceMcK I do get walked over. Very much so. Always have done. But I'm incredibly blessed with a wonderful husband and beautiful son. I am a very blessed lady

Then they should be your focus.

Your sister has shown her true colours, she hasn’t cared enough to see your grandmother nor has she cared enough to be there for you at the times you’ve needed her. In your grandmothers position, I wouldn’t want to leave anything to someone who didn’t give a shit about me.

Your grandmother is putting you first. Maybe she has thought about the consequences of cutting your sister out of her will and is hoping it’s going to be the start of you putting yourself first and stop caring about what your dad and sister who don’t think about you think.

Your dad and sister sound toxic, don’t let them keep walking over you, take the money and set up a future for you, DH and DS.

Pudmyboy · 08/10/2023 01:13

AliceMcK · 08/10/2023 00:07

It sounds like your grandmother recognises that people walk over you and you put others first. She obviously wants to give YOU something YOU deserve. I personally would respect her wishes, your sister sounds selfish anyway so there is no guarantee that she won’t cut you out of her life after you give her the money anyway.

Yes to this, it will be your inheritance to do with as you see fit but from all you have written you do sound downtrodden. Could you sit on the money for a while to get some perspective?

allgrownupnow · 08/10/2023 01:18

You don't have to decide now. Even after your DGM dies, (which hopefully will be a while although sorry to hear it won't be that long), your uncle
May have ideas about what to do with the house, probate, selling etc can all take ages, so could be over a year until you have any of the money available to decide what to do with.
I would suggest that you be vague and non committal with your sister and dad. Say you don't know what the actual situation will look like and you want to be fair and will work it out when the time comes. Don't be drawn into discussions about it. And then see how you feel and how things play out in the interim.

Might also be useful to talk to someone, get some counselling to figure out the family dynamics and how you feel and what is the right decision for you.
There is a split response in here between share/don't share which shows there isn't a right or wrong answer- it totally depends on the context and family dynamics.

Take some time to figure what is the right solution for you. Don't be bounced into making a promise now that in hindsight you regret.

Sorry for your losses and sending strength to you OP Flowers

zeibesaffron · 08/10/2023 01:21

In all honesty your Nan can leave her money to whoever she likes and you should not feel pressured to give any of it away to your sister. Your Nan changed her will because of your kindness, your help and love - something your sister could not be arsed to do - so you choose but if you do decide to split it (and I hope you don’t) it should not be 50:50.

BATIRA · 08/10/2023 01:27

OP I am astonished at the replies here.
your sister doesn’t deserve it by virtue of being related to you. It’s a gift to you. Look at it this way- would you rather give the money to your sister ir to your child? You can use it to improve their life - put some in a trust for them when they are older maybe?
if your sister stops speaking to you it doesn’t sound like much of a loss. Be prepared for your dad to try to even things in his will though.

everetting · 08/10/2023 01:28

Give your sister half.
If you don't this will cause a major wedge in your family relationships. Family are more important.

TotalOverhaul · 08/10/2023 01:34

Don't make a hasty decision about this. And don't be bullied or emotionally blackmailed. Wait until the will has actually been processed and then think about whether to give her half, or give her some, or keep the money and face the inevitable fallout. Think carefully about how you will feel in each scenario and how you will be treated by your father and sister. Will you feel resentful if you give half, and guilty at going against your granny's wishes? Will you feel terrible if you give her nothing and you're made to feel greedy?

Take your time before you decide anything.

Natbro · 08/10/2023 01:37

Ughh! people and there estate's are a nightmare! To many people chop and change and then dangle their assets like a carrot in front of family members as an act of bribery to spend more time with them and look after them.

similar happened in my family... my dad was promised for years and years his aunties house would be left to him (she had none of her own children and Was not married) a few years before she died she met her partner and changed her will and left everything to him.

he honestly didn't care but it always amuses me now when people talk about leaving their money... dont be surprised if in a few years she changes her will again and cuts you out as well as your sister lol