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Original poster

Should I halve my inheritance with my sister?

503 replies

Loluk · 07/10/2023 23:24

Hi all,

I'm in a bit of a situation and I'd like to know what your guys' opinion is on this. Because I'm genuinely torn in two.

So, for context my mother passed away 5 years ago. In my grandmother's will she was left half of the house as well as my uncle. However, it states in the will that if she (my mom) passes away before my grandmother it will automatically go to her children - my sister and I.

My grandmother was very vocal about this, hence us knowing about it.
I took over caring for my nan when my mom passed away, for the past 5 years. My sister has seen her maybe once or twice within these 5 years. My grandmother spoke to me and said she wanted to change her will so that my uncle gets half of the house and I get the other half. She wanted to cut my sister out as I'd done so much for her and my sister hadn't seen her for years.
I of course said this was a bad idea and although I get the sentiment behind it (she is a beautiful lady), it should of been my mom's money, so in turn should be both my sisters and I's money.

She went with my uncle to change the will anyway. I have told my sister as I don't want there to be any secrets between us. She obviously was not happy and refuses to see my grandmother at all now.

My dad said when I receive the money that I must give my sister half anyway as it would be majorly unfair. I said I would. But I felt pressured into saying that but not really knowing how I truly feel.
I'm not unkind but my sister is in her 30s and still living at my dad's, rent free, bill free etc. Whereas I am a homeowner who is very much struggling. The money would help me massively and would help us get back on track. But also I'm aware it's family money so it should be split between my sister and I?

Some people I've spoken to are saying, it's your grandmother's money, she can do what she wants with it. Some are saying I would be selfish to not share with my sister.

What do you guys think?

OP posts:

Mariposista · 08/10/2023 04:15

saraclara · 07/10/2023 23:30

Does your dad recognise that you've cared for your gran for five years while your sister has done nothing?

This!
Give her a token amount if you want, bit no way does she deserve half. Family is about effort sometimes, not just sharing blood.

Turtletotem · 08/10/2023 04:23

Ì wonder if you're getting an amount from your dad every month to the value your sister is getting in free living?
And yet they see that as fair?

Totalwasteofpaper · 08/10/2023 04:24

TotalOverhaul · 08/10/2023 01:34

Don't make a hasty decision about this. And don't be bullied or emotionally blackmailed. Wait until the will has actually been processed and then think about whether to give her half, or give her some, or keep the money and face the inevitable fallout. Think carefully about how you will feel in each scenario and how you will be treated by your father and sister. Will you feel resentful if you give half, and guilty at going against your granny's wishes? Will you feel terrible if you give her nothing and you're made to feel greedy?

Take your time before you decide anything.

I agree with this.

You do not need to decide now.

The relationships sounds poor but you may prefer that to a potential fallout.
We can't say because no amount of posting gives full context.

I'd split with my sibling BUT I'd bet good money they would split an inheritance with me if roles were reversed AND we have a good relationship. Your situation is more nuanced and if it's a large sum (eg 500k) you need to think about what having that does for your (and your child's!) future.... vs. Half the amount.

There are also potentially tax implications in gifting large sums to your sister. Watch out for that.

Silvetmoon · 08/10/2023 04:27

What is your relationship like with your sister otherwise? You say she hasn’t seen your Nan in years - has she seen you?

itwasdifferentinthe90s · 08/10/2023 04:36

If your sister brings nothing to your life why wouldn't you keep the money and give your child a better life

It won't magically improve your relationship

Ivymom · 08/10/2023 04:36

I had a similar situation. I was the full time caregiver for my disabled uncle. I wasn’t paid for it while he was living. When he passed away, he left me a significantly larger percentage in his will than he left me sister. My sister rarely provided any care for him and lived for free with our relatives while my DH and I paid all of our own rent and bills. At my mom’s urging, I split my inheritance with my sister so she would get an equal portion.

My sister is an uncaring, self centered person. I have always been expected to take care of her and it was never reciprocated. Years later I ended up cutting her off because she had begun expecting my children to also “take care of her”, around other things. I regret splitting the inheritance with her. If you want to give your sister something, then do it, but I wouldn’t give her half. Your grandmother is compensating you for providing care for her. If your sister even spent time visiting, your grandmother would have given her some inheritance. I would view the inheritance as something that would greatly benefit my children and wouldn’t take any of that away from them to benefit someone who you admit doesn’t seem to show care to you.

Decideforme · 08/10/2023 04:37

I support for my parents daily and have done all my adult life. My sister is very local but sees them once every 1-2 months, if that, and my brother lives about an hour away and sees them rarely. I drafted their will and encouraged them strongly to split any inheritance (which will be small if at all, tbh) equally between us.

Money is divisive and wills are so final. They are the last communication about the status of a relationship and can be so damaging. I wouldn't want to be any part of that.

Forgottenmypasswordagain · 08/10/2023 04:40

I would split it with my sibling, but I know they would do the same for me.

RiderofRohan · 08/10/2023 04:40

I wouldn't give her a penny unless there is a very good reason for the lack of visiting over the years. Does she live abroad? Maybe she has very pressing family commitments like being a carer herself? If not, she doesn't deserve anything and I would respect grandma's wishes and keep the money.

Your sister doesn't deserve the money by right of birth alone.

Forgottenmypasswordagain · 08/10/2023 04:43

I pressed post too soon. I would not give money to somebody if I inherited it and the benefactor specifically requested I did not, and had even changed her will.

ResoluteRaccoon · 08/10/2023 04:45

I’m sorry I still can’t get over your mum leaving everything to her boyfriend. For me that’s the bigger part, why would she do that, why would my she look after her children.

What makes you think if she had inherited that it would have gone to you instead of him.

its sounds like you’re being asked to make up for her actions??

CarbsAreNotMyFriend · 08/10/2023 04:55

What would your sister do if it was the other way round OP? Would she split it with you?

Based on everything you've said I'd be more inclined to give her a smaller amount, but not half.

WickedWitchOfTheEast87 · 08/10/2023 05:00

@Loluk After reading your posts about your sister like fuck would I hand over a penny to her! She sounds selfish and entitled without any empathy.

As for your dad telling you that you must share half of that money with her that's not his place nor his business to tell you what to do with it!

You said he likes things to be equal between you both but you say you're struggling and your sister is living rent free with her bills paid for by your dad whilst she continues to save more money!

I'm sorry OP but that's not equal thats favouritsm and now he's got the nerve to tell you what to do with money your grandmother is giving you which would make your life better. I'd be telling him some home truths and to mind his own business.

Follow your grandmothers wishes OP because I guarantee you your sister will not be grateful for you giving her that money she will always throw it in your face about your grandmother cutting her out of the will and I wouldn't be surprised if she twists it around and makes you the villain of this situation. Either way OP you'll get grief over it so keep it for yourself and improve yours and your family's life that should be your priority not placating greedy relatives, fuck your sisters tantrums its about time she learned the world does not owe her anything and when you make no effort and show no care to people you can't be upset when you don't get that in return.

Moonlamp · 08/10/2023 05:12

I'll be facing a very similar problem when my mum goes. I know her estate won't be split equally between me and my sister due to similar reasons.

I'll make it right, and hope that she'll look down kindly from wherever she may be to understand why the burden is on the living and I had to live with myself. Then I can live in peace.

You have to be able to rest easy with your decision, either way.

truthhurts23 · 08/10/2023 05:13

please don't split it with your sister

Ilovelifeverymuch · 08/10/2023 05:20

nobodysdaughternow · 08/10/2023 02:21

It all sounds fucked up op. Everyone in your family (including you) is putting a monetary value on relationships.

You tell us your sister hasn't supported you, is a sponger, and hasn't visited her Gran.

Your late Mother valued her 'new' boyfriend over her daughters.

And for the hat trick. Your Gran cut your sister out when she didn't visit as much as you and wasn't prepared to offer free care.

You manipulating each other. You don't even like your sister so I can't imagine there is a relationship there to loose.

Halve it or keep the lot, just don't apportion blame onto your sister for being cut out of a will. Own your actions.

I don't think the gran cut her out because she didn't get free care, but because she didn't even care about her gran. I'm sure you can understand the importance of trying to be there for your loved ones in their time of need.

If she doesn't give a shit about anyone why the hell does she expect to inherit from them?

Having said that I'll advice OP to offer half given she is really keen to maintain the little relationship she has with her sister. If the site had any decency she would decline. Why would you still take money from someone you haven't shown any care for and have decided to cut off from your life because she changed her will, I would expect her to decline. If she takes it it just shows she is a selfish CF who is not our for what she can get

Zanatdy · 08/10/2023 05:22

I’d share it as whilst the money will help you, having a family war and losing your sister will cost you a lot more if you have a close relationship. Or give her 30% or so in reflection of the caring you’ve done whereas she’s done none. I wouldn’t give nothing, that will just cause a whole lot of family issues. I wish people wouldn’t do this either, I get they want to thank an individual family member, but whilst they have gone, the person they wanted to reward are dealing with the fall out.

Zanatdy · 08/10/2023 05:31

You’re jealous of your sister not paying bills / mortgage but she doesn’t have a house and wants one. She’s probably jealous of you having what she’s saving for. I am saving for a house and do feel envious all my friends have one (all live up north, I’m in the South East). I guess that puts her in a worse position if you don’t give any money to her as that would help her get on the property ladder. I’m sure she was upset (as I’m sure you were) when your mums boyfriend got her inheritance not her daughters. So to be then cut out of this will, that’s very unfair.

Ilovelifeverymuch · 08/10/2023 05:44

Zanatdy · 08/10/2023 05:31

Sorry but being cut out of the will is because she has shown her grandmother that she doesn't care about her so no it is not unfair.

I don't get this entitled mentality of expecting to benefit from someone that you can't be bothered to show care and love for.

Poppyblush · 08/10/2023 05:58

Don’t go halves! You’re getting the money as recognition of how you’ve helped your grandmother. Give your entitled lazy selfish sister a little. Say 10%.

Gillypie23 · 08/10/2023 05:59

Your sister sounds entitled. Nobody has the right to an inheritance. Give your sister and token amount not half.

BBQchickensalad · 08/10/2023 06:00

I have no problem with the one who did all the care being left all or more than another. Caring is hard work and often involves sacrificing income or opportunities. If the person leaving the money wants to recognise it, good on them. I don't think that you should give her more than 10%, if even that.

Nanaof1 · 08/10/2023 06:12

Well, OP, let me pose this question to you.

Your sister has won a 500K pounds in the lottery. How much would she be giving you?

That should answer your question.

Eddielizzard · 08/10/2023 06:16

I would give her an amount, but no way half. You have to honour your GM's will, your mum did not do right by you, did she? So why she had a say when she didn't even do what she was suggesting is beyond me. I would give her 10 or 20%. Not 50

Nanaof1 · 08/10/2023 06:16

Turtletotem · 08/10/2023 04:23

Ì wonder if you're getting an amount from your dad every month to the value your sister is getting in free living?
And yet they see that as fair?

That is something the OP should pose to her father. Is he giving you the same amount as he is spending on your sister every month? Add up that house payment and times it by how many months he has been doing that. Add in utilities if he is paying those. That is what should also be yours if dear old dad was being "fair". But, he isn't, yet thinks you should share?

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