Should I halve my inheritance with my sister?

[Loluk]

Hi all,

I'm in a bit of a situation and I'd like to know what your guys' opinion is on this. Because I'm genuinely torn in two.

So, for context my mother passed away 5 years ago. In my grandmother's will she was left half of the house as well as my uncle. However, it states in the will that if she (my mom) passes away before my grandmother it will automatically go to her children - my sister and I.

My grandmother was very vocal about this, hence us knowing about it.
I took over caring for my nan when my mom passed away, for the past 5 years. My sister has seen her maybe once or twice within these 5 years. My grandmother spoke to me and said she wanted to change her will so that my uncle gets half of the house and I get the other half. She wanted to cut my sister out as I'd done so much for her and my sister hadn't seen her for years.
I of course said this was a bad idea and although I get the sentiment behind it (she is a beautiful lady), it should of been my mom's money, so in turn should be both my sisters and I's money.

She went with my uncle to change the will anyway. I have told my sister as I don't want there to be any secrets between us. She obviously was not happy and refuses to see my grandmother at all now.

My dad said when I receive the money that I must give my sister half anyway as it would be majorly unfair. I said I would. But I felt pressured into saying that but not really knowing how I truly feel.
I'm not unkind but my sister is in her 30s and still living at my dad's, rent free, bill free etc. Whereas I am a homeowner who is very much struggling. The money would help me massively and would help us get back on track. But also I'm aware it's family money so it should be split between my sister and I?

Some people I've spoken to are saying, it's your grandmother's money, she can do what she wants with it. Some are saying I would be selfish to not share with my sister.

What do you guys think?

From a legal view it is not your choice, the executor must make sure the will
is followed as written. When the time comes you must be sure all IHT is paid and probate granted and then if you wish to give a share you should take legal and tax advice. If you give more than £3000 per annum in total it becomes a potentially taxable gift, (I.e. worse case scenario if you died within 7 years).

From a moral view these things are difficult, a relative of mine left a will that excluded one niece that she wasn’t keen on, I am not sure what that niece felt when she saw her sister and cousins received something. My MiL has included one stepchild, but barely saw three of the 5, however the one that lived with her and DH is excluded - he hasn’t been in touch with her for years despite her sending him and his children birthday cards and money so I can see why she might exclude him. I am
not surprised she has included the one who has been most friendly, but to leave her a 1/4 which is the as she is leaving to each of her sons seems generous. But She isn’t a wealthy so it seems unlikely to cause any upset…. Although she seems to have lucky P Bonds so who knows🤣

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Don't give her anything. You don't like her anyways. You will end up not having a relationship with her one way or another. Keep the money. Fairness is subjective.

The inheritance was your grandmother's, to do as she saw fit with. And she did. She changed her will, I am sure, because you are the one who has been doing all of the heavy lifting in her life, NOT your sister. Keep the money. You do NOT owe anything to your sister. Honor your grandmother's wishes.

I think this is a really important question. At the moment, the father does not seem to be treating both sisters the same financially. The OP also referred to the father's partner so he may have plans to share his estate with her.

OP, to me it looks like your grandmother is the one person who has your back financially.

If your dad and sister care for you as much as you care for them, they would tell you to keep the money. They would see that dad has helped sister significantly and would want you to receive those same benefits from grandma. Dad would be happy that you have such a close relationship with grandma. Sister would completely understand that you are receiving the full inheritance because you were grandma’s caregiver. You made the sacrifices and did the work and she didn’t. She would want what’s best for you and your DC.

If they choose not to see it that way and expect you to give half of your inheritance to sister, they don’t have your best interest at heart. They don’t have your DC’s best interest at heart. Choose your child and keep the money for his future. Invest in therapy and surround him with people who are actually supportive.

I think people are missing the tax implications that would fall on the OP if she splits money that is hers.

I am also surprised at the difference between the UK and USA. If the mother died without a will and wasn't married, the BF would not be in line to inherit everything. At best, it would be split three ways and I am not even sure on that and it might depend on how long they were together, etc.

I still find it surprising that so many posters think the OP should just split the money with her sister, yet say nothing about the father who is supporting one daughter and leaving the other one flapping in the wind.

I think the grandmother was wise in her decision. Of course, OP keeps saying she is going to split the money, so why she wanted other opinions is head-scratching. The grandmother knows the situation and acted in what she feels is the best. OP also has a child, husband, house and bills.

Thinking that splitting the money with the sister will make the sister care more about the OP is absurd, as are all the excuses being given as to why the sister doesn't help at all with the grandmother, or even visit. The sister will go on her merry way and walk all over the OP as she wishes, since it seems to work well. The "loving father" is clueless to the fact that he has done nothing but favor one child over the other for a very long time, but gets his hackles up because the grandmother is doing the same.

Mind-boggling. 🙄

Oh dear, Wills and families can be very complex. Someone here may have mentioned, I’ve only read the posters posts, that there is a docu-series on Channel 5 UK now, four episodes so far, ‘Inheritance and money’, or similar, and it’s astounding and very sad how many families split up over a Will, and what heartache Wills can cause.

in my case my father died last year, I am the only daughter, I have two brothers. I had spent half a week for four years with him, helping care for him. One of my two brothers spent the other half of the week with dad, the other brother one or two days in the four final years.

In his Will, dad has left almost everything including his house and most of his money to my brothers, ie his two sons, and a little money to me. I feel terribly hurt. Actually. I feel gutted.

The worst thing is that even my nicest brother has become very defensive, wanting as much as possible for him and his children, and he can’t understand how I feel. I would be happy with 20%, rather than the 10% I seem to be getting.

Am not sure if my answer helps you, please remember that the funeral, all expenses, etc, will come out of the untaxed estate before beneficiaries are paid.

I hope it goes well, you sound kind and thoughtful. Do watch the tv programme, it’s eye opening!

PS in the UK, if all the beneficiaries agree, the Variation of Wills Act means (I believe) that the Will can be changed, ie varied so that, eg, one person with less money can get more and someone who was forgotten can also share the inheritance, etc.

Please do get proper legal advice thought, I think that some solicitors will give you half an hour or so free.

Before you deal with the fallout from your Grandmother’s plans for when she passes do you need to understand the situation your mother leaving her estate to her boyfriend created. What was the plan there ? Was it creating an issue for you girls that you need to come to terms with as the grief is the overarching emotion but under that is the practical life chances around money. I am trying to understand that perhaps your father is trying to remedy the loss of any estate from your mother? In helping your sister ? Did your mother’s passing come at a developmental stage for your sister her being younger ? Has the way your mother’s last wishes played out created a coldness in your sister’s emotions around family connection bearing in mind your mother passed with the estate left to her boyfriend what were her future plans for her daughters.
Does being in this Dilemma put u in your mother’s shoes regarding what to do with money loved ones? Do you feel u don’t want to again leave your sister without inheritance again.
I don’t think inheritance actually reflects people’s sane choices because we never know how things are going to play out. It’s about how we treat those we are with whilst alive. Our time is the most valuable asset and letting people know we care . I am sorry your having to deal with Grief and decisions that aren’t under your control its so frustrating to be put in that position. Can u come to terms with your mother’s choice through being in a similar dilemma did she feel obligated to leave it all to BF ? Are you feeling obligated to fix this regarding your sister like your father is? I hope you can find some peace to reflect on the good memories. Don’t be manipulated at a delicate time take your time when its needed as advised.

If I were you I would not have been happy to see the change and I would want to share it with my sister.

These two issues stand out...
1/ The grandmother has you caring for her yet still leaves half to her son?? Is he caring also for her? Or maybe his children are helping you?
2/ Any out of pocket expenses that your grandmother wanted to reimburse you for could have just been clearly itemised and paid for while she lives - thus leaving her estate still to be shared by you and your sister equally.

It sets you up for a poor relationship with your sister.
It is unfair as five years ago your grandmother should have announced to you and your sister that to recieve a part of her estate you both need to actively help her in her old age.

Your sister has no way to make amends. I seethis as unfair. Legally Granny can leave her things to anyone, I understand: but I would be sharing.

I couldnt see that reference in the original post

Even tho it would have been your mums, it isn't. It's now yours.
Even know you loved your mum woth your whole heart it still wouldn't be her decision if Nan wants to have it changed.
Situations arise

Unfortunately your mum has passed and your sister excluded her self.

Please do not give it

Pay some off the mortgage take care of your self and the kiddies ans thank your lucky starts your nanna is an Angel

I wouldn’t give your sister half. Maybe a lump sum for her and for your son in trust.

I would ask your sister to visit your grandmother before she dies. Her answer will give you your answer.

@Loluk i'd give her 25% and if she still whinged, tell her to do one.

She isn't entitled to a penny and doesn't deserve a penny for the way she has acted but to keep the peace a small payment would probably keep her off your back.

Wee grubber and user that she is.

If the money was your mums which had passed to your grandmother then fair enough to still split it but your grandmothers money is hers and hers alone to make decisions on- your mums opinion shouldn't even come in to it.

Your grandmother has been clear on her wishes, id follow them! You've been the one to care for her which she has recognised and rewarded as she sees fit! Why on earth your sister or dad expects you to split it when your sisters seen her twice in 5 years and now refusing to see her when she's dying is beyond me! It's your grandmothers money at the end of the day, no one is entitled to it just because they're related

Your sister is having her wedding paid for and free rent for years. This is like your Dad has given her a lump sum. Did you get this too? Also, you've been working part-time and earning less so you can care for Gran for 5 years. You barely see your sister anyway so would it much of a loss if she went NC? Take the money your Gran wants you to have and have an easier life. X

Calculate how much the care you’ve provided for your grandmother in the past 5 years would amount to. If you don’t feel comfortable not sharing then deduct this amount and split the remainder.
My mum cared for my grandma and I worked out that had she been a paid carer there would be no inheritance left.

Op give her a portion 20 or 25% but not half.

She has been quite callous towards you espescially when your baby died.

Also she would not give you half if the situation was reversed and this way you are not fully going against your grandma's wishes.

Also you need to draw a line with her, why were you arranging her hen party after her coldness towards you and your grandma??

You are acting like a mug, just lying down and letting yourself be used and walked on. Not good op for your mental health and self esteem and it will come back to bite you.

Wise up, she doesn't want a real relationship with you.

How can it be what your mother would have wanted? You state it was going to your mother had she not have passed before your grandmother?! So effectively Mums boyfriend would have copped not only your mothers estate but your grandmothers also. As others have stated you run the risk of alienating your sister and father if you don’t share. Ask yourself could you live without them? your dad is already funding your sister by allowing them to live completely free at his property yet you state she could buy now but is choosing not too! In her situation I’d take that path too! I personally don’t think anything will change with your sister you can’t buy her love it’s either there or it isn’t. I’d be having a conversation with your dad about why he thinks it’s fair to share your money yet he pays mortgage and bills every month for your sisters benefit.

If I follow correctly, your mother put all her money in her boyfriend's house, so her estate was effectively £nil. Given their complicated relationship, I appreciate it's hard to say, but do you think she expected him to add her to the deeds so it would be "their" house? Do you think if she owned half of the house she would have left it to you and/or your sister, or would she have left it to him?

As part of the 'what should I do?' quandary, I think I would consider what your mother would actually have wanted, had she had time to do things properly.

I would also consider what would have happened if your mother had survived your grandmother. Would your grandmother have left you something, or given it all to your mother?

Finally, I would consider who needed the money - you and/or your sister.

For me, there are lots of variables to think about. It's unlikely I split it evenly given the complex set of circumstances, but I would probably split it in some way (using a deed of variation).

You say your sister isn't very caring - I get that she hasn't been a good emotional support. Has she done other things to make you feel loved? Some people have a very odd language, but a love language nonetheless. She's your sister - you know her better than we do, and whether she shows her love for you in some other way, or if she just doesn't like you as much as you like her.

I think I'd ignore your father's opinion though. He and your mother weren't a couple when she died, and your grandmother is your mother's mother, so the only wishes that would sway me in my decision would be what they wanted.

@Nanaof1 if posters think a BF would inherit without a will they are wrong. Lots of people think there is a thing called common law marriage, ie not married but living together. There isn’t. So despite what some may think, it us the same as US. Co habitung couples really should make a will. Also there are tax advantages if they marry regards IHT thresholds.

The OP should get legal advice before making any gifts. The gifting rule of 7 years always feels a bit awkward, but it exists so should be considered. Worse case scenario OP gifts then passes, her estate would have a tax bill including the gift. Her estate, not her sister as such.

do what you and only you want to do with money left to you in a will.

end of

if you want to gift your dad or your sister or a friend a £100 or a £1000 or even £10000 thats entirely your choice and no one else.

Noticing a few myths on posts. I am not a solicitor but do know the importance of getting correct legal advice.

There is no such thing as a common law marriage. This means that without a will intestate rules come into place. It also has an effect if partners split and have no legal agreement. Having seen friends and family go through this, it can be difficult. It also means if your estate falls into IHT, you don’t get the tax benefits that married couples and those in civil partnerships do.

I know we often shy away from making wills and setting up LPoA, and I was very slow myself, but it is a weight off my shoulders to know I have ticked that box now.

I have seen companies on FB etc. selling trusts as ways to ‘hide’ assets, they admit this may not prevent IHT, but it may mean people can hide/protect them in a divorce, which could mean the less well off partner looses out, with some people putting their family homes into these trusts. The ownership becomes the trust and the trustees take control. The only winners seem to be the companies selling these trusts, and their continuing fees for managing them!

I find it worrying that it is usually the women that loose out. I know a super bright hard working women whose partner hasn’t put her name on their family home, or written a will. A separation could make her homeless, his death would too. 🙁

I watched a YouTube of a guy selling a trust idea for a company in a partnership, he says if I die the last thing my business partner wants is my wife involved in business and laughs. 😮😡. He is selling some complex solution that he claims means wife and children wouldn’t miss out, but he isn’t a solicitor and he is misogynistic. He has thousands of followers….