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Original poster

Should I halve my inheritance with my sister?

503 replies

Loluk · 07/10/2023 23:24

Hi all,

I'm in a bit of a situation and I'd like to know what your guys' opinion is on this. Because I'm genuinely torn in two.

So, for context my mother passed away 5 years ago. In my grandmother's will she was left half of the house as well as my uncle. However, it states in the will that if she (my mom) passes away before my grandmother it will automatically go to her children - my sister and I.

My grandmother was very vocal about this, hence us knowing about it.
I took over caring for my nan when my mom passed away, for the past 5 years. My sister has seen her maybe once or twice within these 5 years. My grandmother spoke to me and said she wanted to change her will so that my uncle gets half of the house and I get the other half. She wanted to cut my sister out as I'd done so much for her and my sister hadn't seen her for years.
I of course said this was a bad idea and although I get the sentiment behind it (she is a beautiful lady), it should of been my mom's money, so in turn should be both my sisters and I's money.

She went with my uncle to change the will anyway. I have told my sister as I don't want there to be any secrets between us. She obviously was not happy and refuses to see my grandmother at all now.

My dad said when I receive the money that I must give my sister half anyway as it would be majorly unfair. I said I would. But I felt pressured into saying that but not really knowing how I truly feel.
I'm not unkind but my sister is in her 30s and still living at my dad's, rent free, bill free etc. Whereas I am a homeowner who is very much struggling. The money would help me massively and would help us get back on track. But also I'm aware it's family money so it should be split between my sister and I?

Some people I've spoken to are saying, it's your grandmother's money, she can do what she wants with it. Some are saying I would be selfish to not share with my sister.

What do you guys think?

OP posts:
Original poster
Loluk · 07/10/2023 23:52

@Rugbee not at all. I love my sister, but we're a complex family and there's lots of ill feeling from lots of people about her behaviour over many different things.
But regardless I'm just answering questions

OP posts:
PoppyFleur · 07/10/2023 23:53

Your grandmother’s estate is hers to bequeath as she wishes. She has chosen how she wants to divide her estate, I would respect it. No one is entitled to an inheritance, especially not someone who has not bothered with a family member in years.

No doubt your sister will be upset but judging by your recent posts it doesn’t sound like she would be a loss from your life. I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of your baby and your mother. That is a lot to go through, I hope you have support in real life.

saraclara · 07/10/2023 23:54

Compromising and giving your sister a third and keeping two thirds sounds fair to me. But I think that you need to be prepared for your dad to alter his will to favour your sister if you don't split it equally. Which would be very unfair, but he's shown already that he's not being reasonable.

QueSyrahSyrah · 07/10/2023 23:54

I can see you justifying it to yourself / us and ultimately it's your decision but be fully aware that it will likely permanently damage your relationship with your sister, and possibly also your Dad.

Are you both in line for an inheritance from Dad? If he's upset you don't share with your Sister now, he may consider leaving all of his estate to her to even the balance?

RantyAnty · 07/10/2023 23:54

Just split it and don't tell your grandmother.

My mum tried to cut some of us out and we just split it fairly after she died. I didn't want a damn thing from that evil but I negotiated the 50/50 split between the 2 sisters.
I did take one thing. A spider brooch.

Original poster
Loluk · 07/10/2023 23:56

@Millybob I had to tell her... she knew she was in the original will. My grandmother told her. So when she passes, my sister would be expecting to go to the will reading. If she found out I knew it has been changed and not said anything she would have fallen out with me I know she would have. She would have said I'm keeping secrets.
My grandmother knows I've told my sister and she's not bothered at all. She's a beautiful lady but said she still stands by her decision

OP posts:
Vintagecreamandcottagepie · 07/10/2023 23:57

I'd feel it more fair to split it 60/40, or deduct an amount that reflected the time and costs you'd incurred in looking after her over those 5 years.

Circumferences · 07/10/2023 23:59

If you don't mind me saying you do seem to look down on your sister in saying how "she lives at dad's house rent free while I'm a property owner who could use the money"
Have you ever considered that your sister may have mental health issues seeing as she's in her 30's and can't get on the property ladder. She possibly invests emotional energy looking after your dad while you've found yourself free to get on the property ladder and help your gran out?

I'm sure your sister could "use the money" too maybe in securing a deposit to live more independently.

It's tough losing your mum especially if it was sudden. I'm sure you're both hurting a lot still especially in the circumstances with her new boyfriend. In the long term I believe you're better off having a good forever relationship with your sister rather than a cash windfall all to yourself.

HowcanIhelp123 · 07/10/2023 23:59

Depends what's doable for you.

For example, you say you're struggling. Do you receive benefits? Relinquishing inheritance legally yours would be deliberate deprivation of assets and would get you in very very hot water. You simply can't do it.

Also, how much is there likely to be after care, funeral costs etc? Is your sister likely to know or find out? You could give her some money, but doesn't necessarily need to be half of it. Give her what you can spare if any.

Original poster
Loluk · 08/10/2023 00:02

Thank you all for your support. I will give my sister half. Although she's never really been there for me and never will be probably I don't want to lose what little family I have left. Its not worth it. I'd give her all of it if it meant I could have some type of relationship with her. Just wish my mom was still here 😔

OP posts:
Oftenaddled · 08/10/2023 00:03

I wouldn't have told anyone. This is your grandmother's business while she's alive.

When she dies, and the money is yours, what you do with it is your business.

But - it sounds as if half your family has been expecting and planning for this inheritance for years. Your sister presumably was expecting a share. There's a note of controlling and holding money over people's heads in the way you write about your family. People sometimes detach from that, especially when overwhelmed and depressive. It doesn't make them uncaring.

I never understand the line that it's not respecting the dead to share. They give you money. You make your choice after that

I would not be trying to guess what your mum would have done. I would not worry about what the dead "would have wanted". I would consider sharing on the basis that my sister had expected the money until fairly recently, and money passing between generations makes a huge difference to life chances.

I would avoid drama and bringing any more family members into the discussion. I'd consider giving my sister a half share. I wouldn't tie it up with moral failings or judgements about who cared for whom. I'd prioritise relationships with the living.

Hope things go as well as possible for you and your grandmother now.

AFieldGuideToTrees · 08/10/2023 00:03

Loluk · 07/10/2023 23:47

@saraclara yeah he does recognise it. But don't think it accounts for much really. It's just I've got to do what's fair. He doesn't want one of his children to do better than another basically. He wants to us to do/have the same in life.

Well then, he can do that with his money. Or, if you inherit from your grandmother, he can level up by leaving his estate to your sister if he wants.

Or your sister can start to make something of her life.

Your grandmother doesn't want you to share. And that is her wish. What would she do if you told her you intend to share, would she disinherit you?

I'd be bloody furious if I bequethed money to someone and they shared it with someone I didn't want to have my money.

Oftenaddled · 08/10/2023 00:06

Loluk · 08/10/2023 00:02

Thank you all for your support. I will give my sister half. Although she's never really been there for me and never will be probably I don't want to lose what little family I have left. Its not worth it. I'd give her all of it if it meant I could have some type of relationship with her. Just wish my mom was still here 😔

That sounds wise and kind.

I wouldn't mention it to your grandmother or others now.

It sounds as if you are living with a partner / children? So hope you have ties that support you. Not everyone has the same capacity to support others. So maybe consider that your sister may value you more than you think. But she may not perceive you as needing support.

I'm sorry you lost your mum so young.

theduchessofspork · 08/10/2023 00:07

I would share it but I love my sister

Your granny has put you in rather an unfair position

AliceMcK · 08/10/2023 00:07

It sounds like your grandmother recognises that people walk over you and you put others first. She obviously wants to give YOU something YOU deserve. I personally would respect her wishes, your sister sounds selfish anyway so there is no guarantee that she won’t cut you out of her life after you give her the money anyway.

Original poster
Loluk · 08/10/2023 00:07

@Circumferences so my sister lives there with her fiancee. My dad is letting them live there so they can save for a property. She currently has enough but said she's not in a rush and will get more money if she stays longer. Which is fair enough.
Just hard when I'm struggling to see my sister not having to pay for anything. Maybe I'm just jealous.

She doesn't look after my dad. My dad is always saying that my sister doesn't bother with him either and it upsets him. But he loves her dearly and would do anything for her.
My dad lives with his partner in her house. And my sister lives in my dad's house with her fiancee. But my dad pays all the mortgage and bills for them. Very complicated sorry haha

OP posts:
JustAMinutePleass · 08/10/2023 00:07

your mum left everything to a boyfriend. Why do her wishes trump the gran who loves you enough to leave you something?

Oftenaddled · 08/10/2023 00:08

AFieldGuideToTrees · 08/10/2023 00:03

Well then, he can do that with his money. Or, if you inherit from your grandmother, he can level up by leaving his estate to your sister if he wants.

Or your sister can start to make something of her life.

Your grandmother doesn't want you to share. And that is her wish. What would she do if you told her you intend to share, would she disinherit you?

I'd be bloody furious if I bequethed money to someone and they shared it with someone I didn't want to have my money.

Show quote history

But you'd be dead (as they say in Ghosts).

Why should the living be bound to play out your dramas or grudges. They're not. They have relationships beyond yours.

Original poster
Loluk · 08/10/2023 00:10

@Oftenaddled what do you mean by?

There's a note of controlling and holding money over people's heads in the way you write about your family

OP posts:
AFieldGuideToTrees · 08/10/2023 00:12

Oftenaddled · 08/10/2023 00:08

But you'd be dead (as they say in Ghosts).

Why should the living be bound to play out your dramas or grudges. They're not. They have relationships beyond yours.

Show quote history

It's a good thing I'm not leaving anything to family then. They all have enough and there's better things to do with it.

Original poster
Loluk · 08/10/2023 00:13

@AliceMcK I do get walked over. Very much so. Always have done. But I'm incredibly blessed with a wonderful husband and beautiful son. I am a very blessed lady

OP posts:
abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz12 · 08/10/2023 00:13

But also I'm aware it's family money

It's not family money, it's your band money and she doesn't want your sister to have any of it

Original poster
Loluk · 08/10/2023 00:14

@JustAMinutePleass true. Didn't think about it like that

OP posts:
ArtAndMusic · 08/10/2023 00:14

I think you're grandmother is doing a shitty thing, she must know that by doing this, she's going to cause division between you and your sister. And problems with your dad. Yes, she can do what she likes with her money, but she'll be gone, and by cutting your sister out, she's also willing to duck up your relationships with the family you have left.

Ilikeyourdecor · 08/10/2023 00:15

I wouldn't make a decision until Gran died.

Personally I think if you have done all the caring for so long and sis won't even speak to her, I wouldn't feel guilty about keeping it all. Your Gran gave it to you, it's yours to do as you please.

I would probably compromise in the end. Give her some, but not half, to acknowledge the five years of caring. Maybe 1/6 to sis and 5/6 to me, symbolic of the five years.