Should I halve my inheritance with my sister?

[Loluk]

Hi all,

I'm in a bit of a situation and I'd like to know what your guys' opinion is on this. Because I'm genuinely torn in two.

So, for context my mother passed away 5 years ago. In my grandmother's will she was left half of the house as well as my uncle. However, it states in the will that if she (my mom) passes away before my grandmother it will automatically go to her children - my sister and I.

My grandmother was very vocal about this, hence us knowing about it.
I took over caring for my nan when my mom passed away, for the past 5 years. My sister has seen her maybe once or twice within these 5 years. My grandmother spoke to me and said she wanted to change her will so that my uncle gets half of the house and I get the other half. She wanted to cut my sister out as I'd done so much for her and my sister hadn't seen her for years.
I of course said this was a bad idea and although I get the sentiment behind it (she is a beautiful lady), it should of been my mom's money, so in turn should be both my sisters and I's money.

She went with my uncle to change the will anyway. I have told my sister as I don't want there to be any secrets between us. She obviously was not happy and refuses to see my grandmother at all now.

My dad said when I receive the money that I must give my sister half anyway as it would be majorly unfair. I said I would. But I felt pressured into saying that but not really knowing how I truly feel.
I'm not unkind but my sister is in her 30s and still living at my dad's, rent free, bill free etc. Whereas I am a homeowner who is very much struggling. The money would help me massively and would help us get back on track. But also I'm aware it's family money so it should be split between my sister and I?

Some people I've spoken to are saying, it's your grandmother's money, she can do what she wants with it. Some are saying I would be selfish to not share with my sister.

What do you guys think?

Op your being daft to give half. Only one person is going to look out for you and that's you. Your DG can only do so much

You should seek councilling before you do anything with any money. Because there is a heck of a lot of stuff in your life that needs to be unravelled. The unfair and unequal treatment of your Dad being a good starting point.

You obviously started this thinking most would think you should split. But the more you write the more people think you should list to the wise words of your Gran. Might be worth talking to her.

Honestly op you are mad if you give her a penny

This woman didn't care for you when your friend and baby sadly passed. She also clearly doesn't care much for her grandma. Who needs the money more? Your sister who has a lot of financial help from your dad or your young son?

Op I've just gone back to read this. She wasn't their for you when your baby died. I'm sorry to hear about your baby buut OMG 😲 she will never be there for you.

I can't imagine what sort of family guilt you have that makes you think you should.

Spend a chuck on councilling before you do anything. Invest in yourself- you are absolutely with it.

This.

Oh gosh, so sorry about your baby. How devastating.

I had missed this, and in that case I now think you should honour your grandmother's wishes.

OP, I am going to leave this thread because It is very frustrating to see that you still insist on giving her half, despite that going against your grandmother's wishes - who has the number of your sister for sure.

Good luck though. I truly hope you don't live to regret it in the future. I wish your lovely dgm a peaceful passing.

I don’t think you should share this inheritance because your grandmother wants you to better your life.

@Loluk Everything you wrote about your mother and the Will was a red herring. In actual fact, you now know, definitively, that your mother wouldn’t have left you any of your grandmother’s inheritance.

How your grandmother wrote her Will before your mother passed away (and I’m so very sorry for your loss. I lost my mother over 50 years ago and it still weighs on me and I miss her so much) is completely irrelevant.

The only relevant facts are: your grandmother wants you to have the inheritance for the betterment of your life.

If your grandmother wanted your sister to have anything, she would have stated that in her Will.

The other thing is, that depending on how much the half share of the estate is, you may have to pay inheritance tax and if you gift your sister money, she will have to pay tax on it, if over a certain amount.

So giving someone half of the inheritance might not be as easy as you think.

I wouldn’t be quick to give your sister anything and I truly feel that if you do give your sister some of the inheritance, it’s really disrespectful of your grandmother’s wishes.

Of course your father and sister are telling you to do this! It’s to your sister’s benefit.

Think about yourself and your family first. Your family is your DH and your DC, not your sister and your father. They are your relatives. It doesn’t sound like you and your sister have the best relationship and your sister sounds wholly self-centred and narcissistic!

I know she's done it because my sister gets everything in life and I haven't.

You're now choosing to assist her in getting everything in life, so you need to stop bringing it up.

She's not going to change just because you give her money. You'll still have the same shitty relationship. Only she'll have even more than she does now and you'll have helped her because she and your dad have bullied you into giving her half your inheritance.

What a daft thing to do to the detriment of your own family.

@Loluk there is little point in knowing what people think when you are going to act in the detriment of your own interests anyway.

The best advice many of us have given you is to undergo therapy before you do anything and to have a frank discussion with your dad and sister about how financially advantaged she already is thanks to your dad, who has made no attempt to treat you equally.

In fact, your dad is as happy to spend your money, as well as his own on his entitled and selfish daughter.

In years to come, if your son is struggling, or one of you loses your job and you haven't seen your wealthy sister in years and your dad left everything to her, you will still believe that giving your future security to your sister was the right thing to do because you have been conditioned to be like this not because it's the right thing to do. This is why you need therapy.

This is hard to hear, but maybe your mum was on the selfish side too and your sister takes after her? Apologies if that hurts, I'm just trying to highlight the dynamics at play.

Your grandmother sees this and it must hurt her to think that she can't stop you from enabling their selfishness and manipulation of you. If I were her, I would leave everything to Uncle, with a secret clause (if possible) that he gives you 50% of the estate 12 months after her death. This would protect you from your dad and sister's manipulation of you.

Well, good luck for the future where your relationship with your sister is just as toxic/non existent as it is now. That’s the only future you have, where you do get to choose is if you keep the money your grandma has left just to you for very good reasons, or whether you give half to your sister so she can have half of your grandmas inheritance that she didn’t want your sister to have while still being toxic or non contact with you. It seems a real shame to me that it looks like that is the future you choose.

Honestly if I left more to a grandchild to thank her for caring for me I’d be so pissed off if it was given away. Having said that I’d be dead and wouldn’t know. If my sister was given money by someone she cared for and I wasn’t I wouldn’t bat an eyelid, if you don’t bother maintaining a relationship you can hardly be upset if they don’t include you in their will.

Are you in England OP? If so how did your mother's boyfriend get your mother's estate if she left no will? If she was unmarried, her estate would have gone to you and your sister.

Also. You're between a rock and a hard place, but your grandmother assuming she is of sound mind has a right to choose how to split her estate even if it is unfair to your sister.

I think the mother handed her money over to her BF without getting any legal advice hence when she died their was nothing left to split.

But that is neither here or there. Op clearly has some sort of FOG that she can't see that she no matter what she does her sister isn't going to care about her.
She really needs councilling and to listen to her Gran (and possibly her uncle)

Sorry but too many times!
Counselling.

I agree just don't think the local parish or District councillor would be any use, councillors do local politics, counsellors psychological conversations.

Your Grandma wants you to have the money because you have cared for her and these are her wishes.
You have said that if the situation was reversed your sister would not give you half.
You need the money, your sister doesn't.
Your sister sounds very selfish and the kind of person that will hardly bother with you whether you give her half the money or not.
You need to keep the money and honour your Grandma's wishes, she appreciates what you have done for her over the years and knows you need it, she also recognises that your sister has done nothing for her and doesn't need it.
I can't believe so many posters are telling you to split it.
You should absolutely keep it, it sounds like your sister doesn't really value you anyway regardless! It would be utter madness to split it

"no I said she knew she was getting something from my grandmother. In her previous will she said my sister would get some as well if my mom passed away before her. But my grandmother doesn't want that anymore "

This is the only part of the entire post that you need to consider important. Your grandmother is leaving YOU a gift as she is grateful for what YOU have done for her. Not your sister. you. She clearly values the Effort you have put into feeling her and she values your relationship. They money/Peter is HERS to do as she states with it. If she was still Alice and gave you a gift it would be considered very poor manners to give part of it away. It's not up to your dad or your sister. It's up to the person who wrote the will, it's the entire point of leaving a will!

Be honest, if her express wishes said she wanted to be cremated but your dad and sister wanted to bury her instead as it died then better, would you do what they said? Or would you do your very best to honour the final wishes of somebody that was close to you?

The money is left to OP. What OP does with the money us their decision. That includes giving gifts to whoever they want to.

Why not assuage your sense of guilt and obligation by giving your sister a token amount, but not half? With a note explaining when this is going against the express wishes

If you did that and I was your sister I would tell you to get lost.
Either share it or give nothing, but don't play games with token amounts and notes obviously aimed at easing your own conscience.

Because her father is still alive.
Whats that got to do with her Grandma’s estate given dgm is still alive and em isn’t?

I do wonder why OP felt it necessary to even tell her sister. If anyone should then it should be gran who made the change to the will but even then she isn't obliged to tell anyone.

Its also a moot point making any decision now on what to do, by the time gran is gone OP life might be so different to today that she needs to keep the entire amount.

To be honest right now its completely pointless spending time and energy on a decision that doesn't need to be made

The OP explained why - she felt it would make the situation with her sister worse if she discovered the change later on and discovered that the OP knew.

Given that the Gran is on end of life care that's why it's so forefront of the OP's mind because its not a decision that's very far away for her.

If sister does have mental health issues isn't it up to her to get them sorted. Don't split.

In the eyes of the law, your grandmother's wishes should be honoured.

However, you have a beautiful soul and as you say, your sister means a lot to you. You say that you don't think she'd give you half if the shoe was on the other foot. Part of me wants you to live as comfortable a life as your sister is living and therefore I feel she should get one third. But you sound lovely, not a pushover at all. I believe that if you are true to yourself, your good deed will be rewarded in the future.

Follow your heart.