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Original poster

To move in and lose so much money

147 replies

usernamenotavailable99 · 17/08/2023 13:09

I met a man 18 months ago and we have a great relationship. He insists on paying if we go for a meal/holidays and so on. We go away a lot. He is such a nice person and I do love him but this thread is about finances. I have offered to contribute to things but he says he's traditional and a woman should not have to pay. Last week we had a discussion about moving in together. I was really keen due to our great relationship and felt it was the next step for us followed by marriage considering he said he was traditional. I brought up money and how we would pay for things. Bear in mind he has a high mortgage with 7 years left to pay and I rent. The discussion went on for about an hour but to be brief, he expects me to give up my flat, pay half to everything that would cause me financial hardship and not put me on the mortgage as he said it's too soon and he would review it in 12 months. I sort of get it but I think its a big risk for me as he may still not want to add me to the deeds. I explained this didn't seem fair as I have no financial share of the property even though I am paying half the mortgage for 7 years. My disposable income would be about 350 whereas at the moment its about 1000 pounds. I can't live on that meagre amount but he tried to justify it by saying he would still pay for our holidays etc and household maintenance. He wouldn't budge on it at all and said I could find another job that paid more or re-train. I already have a degree and enjoy my job that currently gives me a decent lifestyle at the moment. I have made the decision not to move in and and am re-thinking the entire relationship at the moment as I have seen him a bit differently. Its a risk for both of us in some ways but it feels like I am taking a huge financial burden for nothing. What do you think of this situation?

OP posts:
Original poster
usernamenotavailable99 · 17/08/2023 13:10

Forgot to add that he also said he wouldn't marry again.

OP posts:
SuperLoudPoppingAction · 17/08/2023 13:13

I would be rethinking it too. That all sounds dreadful.

Star81 · 17/08/2023 13:16

If I had met someone 18months ago I wouldn’t be adding them to a mortgage either especially with only 7 years left on it.

Paying half of bills or electric, gas , council tax etc seems pretty reasonable .

maybe suggest as the home is his he continues to pay for it so you have no claim on it.

By adding at the end he won’t marry again it does come across as if you want half his house that he has paid for when you’ve only known him 18 months !

Shinyandnew1 · 17/08/2023 13:16

My disposable income would be about 350 whereas at the moment its about 1000 pounds. I can't live on that meagre amount

You say, ‘no-I won’t be moving in with because of this.’

Why on earth would you?!

Star81 · 17/08/2023 13:17

Also, if he pays for all meals and holidays then he is already subsidising your life quite a lot and said he will continue to so you do need to take that financially into account too.

MMorales · 17/08/2023 13:19

How much would puld you save by moving in with him?

Unless hes expecting you to sell your flat and put it all into the mortgage you're not really losing out.

Live together and see how it pans put.

Just dont have any kids unless you're married.

tescocreditcard · 17/08/2023 13:20

Just carry on dating ! Tell him if he wants a wife he has to actually marry you - he doesn't get the benefits of a wife without the commitment whilst your losing money.

It's not a legal requirement to move in with someone you've been dating you know Smile

Mythicalcreatures · 17/08/2023 13:21

I haven't added by dp to my mortgage / deeds and no intention of doing so however he doesn't pay half of all bills. We are both better off living together

HyggeTygge · 17/08/2023 13:21

What do you mean by "give up your flat"?

BoohooWoohoo · 17/08/2023 13:23

I think he's wise not to add you to the deeds after a 18m relationship but he's being unfair expecting you to pay 50% of the mortgage.
After 18 months I don't think you know him well enough to be able to gamble on him paying for extras because he's traditional [snigger]. I wouldn't want to live on £350 after bills either. Are you supposed to ask him for money ? What if he doesn't agree with what you say you need? For example if he pays for a holiday, are you supposed to buy everything for the holiday or ask him to include that in the holiday spends budget?

I would advise you not to move in at the very least. While I don't think he should add you to the deeds now, I wouldn't bet on him changing his views in 12 months either. I would stay where I was living and enjoy a much better lifestyle.

As for marriage, you haven't said what your opinions are. If you want marriage then you should pick someone who also wants it in their future.

Pebbledashery · 17/08/2023 13:24

Don't even consider it if you're having to create a thread about mumsnet about it.
The general consensus will be NO don't move in with him.

Original poster
usernamenotavailable99 · 17/08/2023 13:26

Star81 · 17/08/2023 13:16

If I had met someone 18months ago I wouldn’t be adding them to a mortgage either especially with only 7 years left on it.

Paying half of bills or electric, gas , council tax etc seems pretty reasonable .

maybe suggest as the home is his he continues to pay for it so you have no claim on it.

By adding at the end he won’t marry again it does come across as if you want half his house that he has paid for when you’ve only known him 18 months !

I said I wanted to marry and that was what I was looking for. He didn't say anything until now so perhaps led me a merry dance??

OP posts:
Bananalanacake · 17/08/2023 13:26

You can have a relationship without living together.

gamerchick · 17/08/2023 13:28

You don't have to live together though. Even if you do get married. There's no law saying you do. The couple's who don't live together are the happiest couples I know.

Sounds like he just wants someone to help him pay for his house to me.

MintJulia · 17/08/2023 13:28

tescocreditcard · 17/08/2023 13:20

Just carry on dating ! Tell him if he wants a wife he has to actually marry you - he doesn't get the benefits of a wife without the commitment whilst your losing money.

It's not a legal requirement to move in with someone you've been dating you know Smile

This. He said himself he is 'traditional' which will probably mean you do all the 'wife work', don't have any say in major decisions and have no security.

Continue to enjoy your flat, your disposable income, your security of tenure, your credit record and your freedom.

If he isn't happy with that, find yourself someone who isn't commitment-phobic. Someone with whom you can have a family if that is in your long term plan.

Original poster
usernamenotavailable99 · 17/08/2023 13:28

Star81 · 17/08/2023 13:17

Also, if he pays for all meals and holidays then he is already subsidising your life quite a lot and said he will continue to so you do need to take that financially into account too.

To be honest, I don't really want to go out for meals that much but that is his lifestyle and he hates cooking. I also don't need all the holidays but he wants to do it.

OP posts:
Original poster
usernamenotavailable99 · 17/08/2023 13:29

tescocreditcard · 17/08/2023 13:20

Just carry on dating ! Tell him if he wants a wife he has to actually marry you - he doesn't get the benefits of a wife without the commitment whilst your losing money.

It's not a legal requirement to move in with someone you've been dating you know Smile

Love this answer!

OP posts:
Caprisunny · 17/08/2023 13:30

Don’t move in.

calmcoco · 17/08/2023 13:30

I think you're right to rethink. He's asking you to subsidise him. What an arse.

Original poster
usernamenotavailable99 · 17/08/2023 13:30

HyggeTygge · 17/08/2023 13:21

What do you mean by "give up your flat"?

Its a rented flat that is very cheap on rent.

OP posts:
Jackydaytona · 17/08/2023 13:30

Nope nope nope

Mischance · 17/08/2023 13:30

You have already made the wise decision not to move in. He should not be asking you to do something that is financially disadvantageous for you - that is not a loving act.

You see your future as marriage - he does not. That is a huge gap to breach for the future.

I would not be pursuing this relationship. You are going to get hurt.

MrsSquirrel · 17/08/2023 13:31

I agree that you are right not to move in with him. Your attitudes to money are too different. I wouldn't be happy with him just casually saying you should find another job or re-train. It's true that it would be you taking the bigger financial risk and financial burden.

Original poster
usernamenotavailable99 · 17/08/2023 13:32

calmcoco · 17/08/2023 13:30

I think you're right to rethink. He's asking you to subsidise him. What an arse.

And someone actually commented I just want his house!!

OP posts:
samqueens · 17/08/2023 13:32

Is this post written by AI? It’s peculiarly stilted…

anyway, in case real - his position is fair enough in some ways (not putting you on the deeds at this stage is sensible) BUT sounds like there’s a big age gap, he has told you he doesn’t want to marry, he has made it clear that while dating he is keen to be the “provider of exciting treats”, but if things got more serious he would expect you to split everything 50/50 even given his higher earning/asset situation. Asp that if things got more serious you might live together (in his house) but without the protection of marriage. It appears his idea of “traditional” is being what he perceives as chivalrous while dating and controlling if living together/married.

If you want a relationship that could develop into a long term commitment and marriage this isn’t the guy to do it with. If you want to have an equal say in how things are handled this isn’t the guy to do it with. If you ever want to have children this is not the guy to do it with.

Wouldn’t waste any more of your time on him tbh

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