Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Money matters

Find financial and money-saving discussions including debt and pension chat on our Money forum. If you're looking for ways to make your money to go further, sign up to our Moneysaver emails here.

Original poster

To move in and lose so much money

147 replies

usernamenotavailable99 · 17/08/2023 13:09

I met a man 18 months ago and we have a great relationship. He insists on paying if we go for a meal/holidays and so on. We go away a lot. He is such a nice person and I do love him but this thread is about finances. I have offered to contribute to things but he says he's traditional and a woman should not have to pay. Last week we had a discussion about moving in together. I was really keen due to our great relationship and felt it was the next step for us followed by marriage considering he said he was traditional. I brought up money and how we would pay for things. Bear in mind he has a high mortgage with 7 years left to pay and I rent. The discussion went on for about an hour but to be brief, he expects me to give up my flat, pay half to everything that would cause me financial hardship and not put me on the mortgage as he said it's too soon and he would review it in 12 months. I sort of get it but I think its a big risk for me as he may still not want to add me to the deeds. I explained this didn't seem fair as I have no financial share of the property even though I am paying half the mortgage for 7 years. My disposable income would be about 350 whereas at the moment its about 1000 pounds. I can't live on that meagre amount but he tried to justify it by saying he would still pay for our holidays etc and household maintenance. He wouldn't budge on it at all and said I could find another job that paid more or re-train. I already have a degree and enjoy my job that currently gives me a decent lifestyle at the moment. I have made the decision not to move in and and am re-thinking the entire relationship at the moment as I have seen him a bit differently. Its a risk for both of us in some ways but it feels like I am taking a huge financial burden for nothing. What do you think of this situation?

OP posts:
EggOverEasy · 17/08/2023 14:39

Don't do it.

Original poster
usernamenotavailable99 · 17/08/2023 14:39

Silvers11 · 17/08/2023 14:21

I agree with everyone else. You have only known him for 18 months. I wouldn't expect him to put you on the Mortgage to be honest when it only has 7 years to run in these circumstances

As others have also said, I wouldn't give up your flat in these circumstances at all. It is your only security if things go pear shaped. By all means still see him if you have such a good relationship but be aware that Marriage is never likely to be on the cards, so don't think that you will be able to change his mind in the future.

Also, as others have said - he is nearly 20 years older than you. In another 10, or so it could end up with you being his nursemaid or at the very least you may then want to do different things due to the age-gap. No matter how fit someone is, we all start to slow down a bit

Out of curiosity @usernamenotavailable99 who initially started the conversation about you moving in with him? I hope it wasn't you, because that might have set up alarm bells for him? If the roles were reversed, everyone on here would be saying that the male is using the woman for their own advantage?

It was him.

OP posts:
Nazzywish · 17/08/2023 14:40

Why can't you just offer to pay what you were paying in rent on the flat you had if you really want to live together. That way he knows your not paying towards any equity gain for yourself as in essence your just paying him the portion of rent you would've paid elsewhere. Same for bills etc just contribute what you would've been paying at the flat. If he really wants to move u in this'll be fair all around and alleviate any concern he has over u being a gold digger etc etc

Choux · 17/08/2023 14:41

If you give up the cheap rented flat and the relationship doesn't work out you it's likely you will end up paying far more in a new rental. I wouldn't give up that inexpensive flat easily. Especially if he won't negotiate on anything.

If I was moving in I would expect the finances to be structured so that neither of us were financially gaining or losing so you contribute to bills and food such that you still have a similar amount left. Possibly even more as he is saving on bills etc by you being there and you are the one at risk of having to move out if it goes wrong. The mortgage is for him to pay if he wants to be the sole owner of the property.

Him paying for you to eat out 4 times a week sounds odd - does he always choose where you go because he is paying? I wouldn't want to do that and am surprised at nearly 60 he does. Or is he possibly going to cut that back when his new girlfriend moves in and can take over the cooking?

Peony654 · 17/08/2023 14:42

Why are you even having to ask [..head in hands...]. Fair enough you should contribute to household bills etc, but asking you to contribute to a mortgage without being an owner is ridiculous.

coxesorangepippin · 17/08/2023 14:43

It was him.

^^

Of course it was.

He's seeing £700 a month and a free dishwasher, cook, laundry maid and a bit of sexy time now and then

Run, op

Original poster
usernamenotavailable99 · 17/08/2023 14:43

Nazzywish · 17/08/2023 14:40

Why can't you just offer to pay what you were paying in rent on the flat you had if you really want to live together. That way he knows your not paying towards any equity gain for yourself as in essence your just paying him the portion of rent you would've paid elsewhere. Same for bills etc just contribute what you would've been paying at the flat. If he really wants to move u in this'll be fair all around and alleviate any concern he has over u being a gold digger etc etc

Tried that but he said things should be 50/50. I've given up as he can't be reasoned with.

OP posts:
spotddog · 17/08/2023 14:44

Op, if you pay half the mortgage for 12 months and he then finds an excuse not to add you to the deeds, where do you end up = homeless.
If/when he dies, house goes to his kids, you're again homeless maybe after being his sole carer.

Original poster
usernamenotavailable99 · 17/08/2023 14:45

Peony654 · 17/08/2023 14:42

Why are you even having to ask [..head in hands...]. Fair enough you should contribute to household bills etc, but asking you to contribute to a mortgage without being an owner is ridiculous.

I'm just getting different opinions that's all. I would never consider it and tried to negotiate.

OP posts:
Choux · 17/08/2023 14:45

coxesorangepippin · 17/08/2023 14:43

It was him.

^^

Of course it was.

He's seeing £700 a month and a free dishwasher, cook, laundry maid and a bit of sexy time now and then

Run, op

Succinctly put but you missed out the future live in career she will become in her 50s or even earlier.

userxx · 17/08/2023 14:46

Nope. Just nope.

samqueens · 17/08/2023 14:46

usernamenotavailable99 · 17/08/2023 13:38

I am definitely real lol... I am 39 and he is 58, I have no kids, he has 2 grown up sons.....love your answer!

Show quote history

🙈 apologies - it’s so very perfectly composed it made me wonder!

Glad you had a chance to read my response. Sounds like all good for a bit of fun but not much fun if it gets more serious… Bon chance!

coxesorangepippin · 17/08/2023 14:47

He's 58

😳😳

coxesorangepippin · 17/08/2023 14:47

Unless this man is Sean Connery then it'd be a no from me

Anneta · 17/08/2023 14:49

There are far too many red flags here, even apart from the finances!

He will be saving a nest egg from your contributions to stash away for his retirement in less than ten years. You will have no legal security, plus you will be giving up your home which is a very low rent. If the relationship fails, you will have to pay far more to find similar accommodation and he will have gained a smaller balance on his mortgage.

I don’t see what you would gain. He has no intention of marrying you. His home will be left to his sons if he should pass away and you would be homeless. You will not be entitled to his pension.

It sounds like he would expect you to became a traditional housewife with all that entails.

The age gap is also a concern which may be insignificant to you now but as he gets older may bring many other issues. I speak from experience after having to retire early to care for my husband who had Alzheimer’s disease, amongst many other health issues. We were married for 46 years and I retained a life interest in the house after his death (plus my 50% because we were married) but I decided to sell and let his children have their inheritance.

SummerDayz47 · 17/08/2023 14:50

If you want to get married and he has been clear he doesn’t, is this a deal breaker for you? You’ve already said you are not bothered about meals
out / holidays… You may just want different things from life!

Choux · 17/08/2023 14:51

Out of curiosity why do you think he has suggested living together? You aren't going to be having kids or getting married so what was the trigger for the conversation? A declaration of deep love and affection? The practicalities and cost of running two homes? Health issues? Something else?

viques · 17/08/2023 14:52

I have given up as he can’t be reasoned with

good for you.

Sounds as though he has worked out that all these holidays and meals out he has been treating you to need paying for, and who better to pay for them than you! He doesn’t need your contribution to his mortgage, but £700 pounds a month - tax free - falling into his bank account buys a lot of meals out and weekends away. In addition he gets someone to carry the grunt work of the house, warm his bed and cook the meals he doesn’t eat out. He has nothing to lose. Plus plus plus for him

You on the other hand, lose a secure tenancy, a low rent, your independence, most of your income. You have nothing to gain except the worry of what happens if you split up, he dies or becomes incapacitated. Loss loss loss for you.

OhComeOnFFS · 17/08/2023 14:53

So in essence he says to this woman who's 20 years younger: "Give up your cheap flat and come and live with me. I'll never marry you. You won't inherit anything. You can clean and tidy, though, I don't mind that. It'll cost you about £700 extra per month so you'll be totally reliant on me for anything you need. How about it?"

YukoandHiro · 17/08/2023 14:54

If he won't marry or put you on the mortgage you don't pay a penny towards repaying that mortgage. Forget it.

You keep your flat. You keep your independence. If he wants you to move in than fine, but you don't compromise your financial independence over it.

I would stay living separately. You have far too much to lose.

viques · 17/08/2023 14:56

Ps re the meals out, I wonder if those would stop once he cottons on to the fact that he has a live in partner, traditional roles and all…………

Filament · 17/08/2023 14:58

How much rent exactly is he going to charge you? It must be huge to leave you with so much less disposable income. Half his mortgage amount isn't a relevant sum for him to charge you each month as it's nothing to do with the mortgage that you will never be connected to. It's like him suggesting you to pay half a car loan for a car he won't let you drive.

He's nearly sixty. I think you can do better, which you probably know yourself.

Trickedbyadoughnut · 17/08/2023 15:03

He is suggesting a really unfair set-up to you. You'd have no security - quite the opposite, you'd be trapped. You'd never get such cheap rent again, you would be very unlikely to be able to accumulate any savings allowing you to pay a deposit again, you'd have to reply on him paying for any extras. How would you ever be able to leave if things started going bad? And it's him that asked you to move and he totally refuses to see the situation from your point of view.

It sounds like he's purposefully trying to trap you into a controlling/abusive situation.

Run for the hills.

(Incidentally, if you are in England and Wales and could prove that you'd paid half his mortgage for seven years, you would have a good chance of proving that you have a beneficial interest in the property that would have to be compensated - however, as it sounds like you'd be skint by then anyway, you probably wouldn't be able to afford the legal fees to pursue it ... )

Original poster
usernamenotavailable99 · 17/08/2023 15:07

samqueens · 17/08/2023 14:46

🙈 apologies - it’s so very perfectly composed it made me wonder!

Glad you had a chance to read my response. Sounds like all good for a bit of fun but not much fun if it gets more serious… Bon chance!

Show quote history

I work in government so my English has to be perfect!

OP posts:
Yeahno · 17/08/2023 15:07

It not £700 he would be getting from the OP. It £700 + OP's current rent and bills so over £1000. Thats money that will go into his savings, or not. Where as OP will be stuck unable to save. If OP has to leave, her rent will increase significantly more than it is currently. No.