Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Money matters

Find financial and money-saving discussions including debt and pension chat on our Money forum. If you're looking for ways to make your money to go further, sign up to our Moneysaver emails here.

Original poster

To move in and lose so much money

147 replies

usernamenotavailable99 · 17/08/2023 13:09

I met a man 18 months ago and we have a great relationship. He insists on paying if we go for a meal/holidays and so on. We go away a lot. He is such a nice person and I do love him but this thread is about finances. I have offered to contribute to things but he says he's traditional and a woman should not have to pay. Last week we had a discussion about moving in together. I was really keen due to our great relationship and felt it was the next step for us followed by marriage considering he said he was traditional. I brought up money and how we would pay for things. Bear in mind he has a high mortgage with 7 years left to pay and I rent. The discussion went on for about an hour but to be brief, he expects me to give up my flat, pay half to everything that would cause me financial hardship and not put me on the mortgage as he said it's too soon and he would review it in 12 months. I sort of get it but I think its a big risk for me as he may still not want to add me to the deeds. I explained this didn't seem fair as I have no financial share of the property even though I am paying half the mortgage for 7 years. My disposable income would be about 350 whereas at the moment its about 1000 pounds. I can't live on that meagre amount but he tried to justify it by saying he would still pay for our holidays etc and household maintenance. He wouldn't budge on it at all and said I could find another job that paid more or re-train. I already have a degree and enjoy my job that currently gives me a decent lifestyle at the moment. I have made the decision not to move in and and am re-thinking the entire relationship at the moment as I have seen him a bit differently. Its a risk for both of us in some ways but it feels like I am taking a huge financial burden for nothing. What do you think of this situation?

OP posts:
Crossstich · 17/08/2023 13:33

I can understand why he wouldn't want to put you on the mortgage but neither should he expect you to pay half of it. If you moved in with him he should continue paying the mortgage and you should just contribute to living expenses. However I don't think you should move in with him.
Keep your independence and consider whether you want to contine with this relationship

Original poster
usernamenotavailable99 · 17/08/2023 13:34

samqueens · 17/08/2023 13:32

Is this post written by AI? It’s peculiarly stilted…

anyway, in case real - his position is fair enough in some ways (not putting you on the deeds at this stage is sensible) BUT sounds like there’s a big age gap, he has told you he doesn’t want to marry, he has made it clear that while dating he is keen to be the “provider of exciting treats”, but if things got more serious he would expect you to split everything 50/50 even given his higher earning/asset situation. Asp that if things got more serious you might live together (in his house) but without the protection of marriage. It appears his idea of “traditional” is being what he perceives as chivalrous while dating and controlling if living together/married.

If you want a relationship that could develop into a long term commitment and marriage this isn’t the guy to do it with. If you want to have an equal say in how things are handled this isn’t the guy to do it with. If you ever want to have children this is not the guy to do it with.

Wouldn’t waste any more of your time on him tbh

I'm definitely a real person lol

OP posts:
HamishTheCamel · 17/08/2023 13:35

It's reasonable for him not to want to add you to the house deeds at this stage. It's NOT reasonable to expect you to pay half and not get any benefit from it.

Also he should have been upfront about marriage before now.

Don't move in with him until he has a rethink about one or both of the above.

Crossstich · 17/08/2023 13:36

MMorales · 17/08/2023 13:19

How much would puld you save by moving in with him?

Unless hes expecting you to sell your flat and put it all into the mortgage you're not really losing out.

Live together and see how it pans put.

Just dont have any kids unless you're married.

She won't save anything she will be worse off financially. And she doesn't own her flat she rents

CurlewKate · 17/08/2023 13:38

Dump.

Original poster
usernamenotavailable99 · 17/08/2023 13:38

samqueens · 17/08/2023 13:32

Is this post written by AI? It’s peculiarly stilted…

anyway, in case real - his position is fair enough in some ways (not putting you on the deeds at this stage is sensible) BUT sounds like there’s a big age gap, he has told you he doesn’t want to marry, he has made it clear that while dating he is keen to be the “provider of exciting treats”, but if things got more serious he would expect you to split everything 50/50 even given his higher earning/asset situation. Asp that if things got more serious you might live together (in his house) but without the protection of marriage. It appears his idea of “traditional” is being what he perceives as chivalrous while dating and controlling if living together/married.

If you want a relationship that could develop into a long term commitment and marriage this isn’t the guy to do it with. If you want to have an equal say in how things are handled this isn’t the guy to do it with. If you ever want to have children this is not the guy to do it with.

Wouldn’t waste any more of your time on him tbh

I am definitely real lol... I am 39 and he is 58, I have no kids, he has 2 grown up sons.....love your answer!

OP posts:
calmcoco · 17/08/2023 13:38

usernamenotavailable99 · 17/08/2023 13:10

Forgot to add that he also said he wouldn't marry again.

I missed this bit. Traditional my arse.

Bin!

How much older is he? Do you want children?

I think he's going to reel you in and throw you back when he's had enough.

CurlewKate · 17/08/2023 13:38

And be very careful not to get pregnant.

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 17/08/2023 13:38

I'd simply not move in under those conditions.

Yes you should pay your fair share of the utility bills, food etc, and even an amount towards rent, but there's no way I'd pay half the mortgage costs without being put on the mortgage itself. If he can't see he's being unreasonable he's either thick or financially manipulative

LauraNicolaides · 17/08/2023 13:41

Don't do it!

(Equally if I were him I certainly would not be putting you on the mortgage of my house or paying for all your meals and holidays.)

LauraNicolaides · 17/08/2023 13:45

PS
My disposable income would be about 350 whereas at the moment its about 1000 pounds
I guess that's it's currently so high because you're not paying for stuff and he is?

Gnomegnomegnome · 17/08/2023 13:46

What do you think would be fair?
How much do you think that you should contribute?

Only because men that move in and don’t want to contribute are rightfully called cock lodgers.

He is right to want to protect his house but you could just not move in.

ActDottie · 17/08/2023 13:47

I don’t know why you think you should be added to the house deeds. You’ve been with the guy 18 months and with only 7 years left on his mortgage he’s paid most of it off himself.

Rather than thinking about paying half the mortgage think of it more as paying rent to live there. If half the mortgage is more than the market rent then I’d just discuss about reducing this to be in line with the market.

Either way I don’t like the guy’s attitude to money with being all traditional and to me that would be a massive red flag.

Deathbyfluffy · 17/08/2023 13:48

usernamenotavailable99 · 17/08/2023 13:26

I said I wanted to marry and that was what I was looking for. He didn't say anything until now so perhaps led me a merry dance??

Show quote history

Time to put an ultimatum on the table.
I was never sold on marriage, but it was non-negotiable for DW - and here we are, married several years later. 😊

If you're 'the one' to him, he shouldn't be taking it off the table IMO.

Whataretheodds · 17/08/2023 13:50

No way. Fair enough not to out you on the mortgage/deeds after 18 months but that leaves you with no security so you shouldn't be paying him rent.

Stick with your flat, keep enjoying your own space and the novelty of spending time together without domestic drudge. Keep saving.

If he wants to do certain more extravagant things that you wouldn't otherwise/couldn't otherwise afford and pay for both of you to do them then great - so long as you are going halves on the stuff you'd be doing anyway then you'll know if it's fair or not

Whataretheodds · 17/08/2023 13:50

ActDottie · 17/08/2023 13:47

I don’t know why you think you should be added to the house deeds. You’ve been with the guy 18 months and with only 7 years left on his mortgage he’s paid most of it off himself.

Rather than thinking about paying half the mortgage think of it more as paying rent to live there. If half the mortgage is more than the market rent then I’d just discuss about reducing this to be in line with the market.

Either way I don’t like the guy’s attitude to money with being all traditional and to me that would be a massive red flag.

Rent would entail some security - a contract, notice period, responsibilities of the landlord.

HamishTheCamel · 17/08/2023 13:50

Do you want children OP?

GreenHillsBlueSky · 17/08/2023 13:51

No, don’t move in.
Keep your flat. If your relationship crumbles you would be unlikely to find something that has a low cost rent again. If you decide to move in I would tell him you aren’t paying half the mortgage if there are no safe guards for you and only pay half of the other bills.

calmcoco · 17/08/2023 13:52

LauraNicolaides · 17/08/2023 13:45

PS
My disposable income would be about 350 whereas at the moment its about 1000 pounds
I guess that's it's currently so high because you're not paying for stuff and he is?

No, it is high because her rent is low, it will drop because the contribution to his household would be higher.

Original poster
usernamenotavailable99 · 17/08/2023 13:54

calmcoco · 17/08/2023 13:38

I missed this bit. Traditional my arse.

Bin!

How much older is he? Do you want children?

I think he's going to reel you in and throw you back when he's had enough.

Show quote history

I'm 39 and no kids, not that bothered really. He's 58 with 2 grown up sons.

OP posts:
ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 17/08/2023 13:56

Why on earth would you even consider it?!

HarridanHarvestingHeldaBeans · 17/08/2023 13:57

Finding a rental property isn't easy, much less one with cheap rent. So, if you gave up your flat and the relationship failed, you would be in a really bad position. You want marriage and he doesn't, so your future together doesn't look good. That's before considering how much you do because he wants it, regardless of what you would prefer.

I'm not saying it's necessarily the case here, but a lot of the most controlling men I've met have used being "traditional" as a cover for control and manipulation.

As things stand, you have a place to live and some disposable income. Don't throw that away in the vain hope that this man is your happy-ever-after.

RoadSignFool · 17/08/2023 14:00

Surely you can do better than a bloke who is nearly sixty and whose idea of fun (meals out and holidays) leaves you cold?

He wants a young woman to wine and dine, maybe to care for him in a decade or so when she’s over the hill herself. You want a husband and a happy domestic life. This is not the man to give you what you want.

Anxioys · 17/08/2023 14:02

Run! Why are you wasting yourself on a man who wants a nurse in five years?

nevynevster · 17/08/2023 14:04

Why don't you offer to pay him the same amount as your rent today? That way you are no worse off than paying rent to a random landlord today.

Swipe left for the next trending thread