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Original poster

To move in and lose so much money

147 replies

usernamenotavailable99 · 17/08/2023 13:09

I met a man 18 months ago and we have a great relationship. He insists on paying if we go for a meal/holidays and so on. We go away a lot. He is such a nice person and I do love him but this thread is about finances. I have offered to contribute to things but he says he's traditional and a woman should not have to pay. Last week we had a discussion about moving in together. I was really keen due to our great relationship and felt it was the next step for us followed by marriage considering he said he was traditional. I brought up money and how we would pay for things. Bear in mind he has a high mortgage with 7 years left to pay and I rent. The discussion went on for about an hour but to be brief, he expects me to give up my flat, pay half to everything that would cause me financial hardship and not put me on the mortgage as he said it's too soon and he would review it in 12 months. I sort of get it but I think its a big risk for me as he may still not want to add me to the deeds. I explained this didn't seem fair as I have no financial share of the property even though I am paying half the mortgage for 7 years. My disposable income would be about 350 whereas at the moment its about 1000 pounds. I can't live on that meagre amount but he tried to justify it by saying he would still pay for our holidays etc and household maintenance. He wouldn't budge on it at all and said I could find another job that paid more or re-train. I already have a degree and enjoy my job that currently gives me a decent lifestyle at the moment. I have made the decision not to move in and and am re-thinking the entire relationship at the moment as I have seen him a bit differently. Its a risk for both of us in some ways but it feels like I am taking a huge financial burden for nothing. What do you think of this situation?

OP posts:
Original poster
usernamenotavailable99 · 17/08/2023 15:09

Anneta · 17/08/2023 14:49

There are far too many red flags here, even apart from the finances!

He will be saving a nest egg from your contributions to stash away for his retirement in less than ten years. You will have no legal security, plus you will be giving up your home which is a very low rent. If the relationship fails, you will have to pay far more to find similar accommodation and he will have gained a smaller balance on his mortgage.

I don’t see what you would gain. He has no intention of marrying you. His home will be left to his sons if he should pass away and you would be homeless. You will not be entitled to his pension.

It sounds like he would expect you to became a traditional housewife with all that entails.

The age gap is also a concern which may be insignificant to you now but as he gets older may bring many other issues. I speak from experience after having to retire early to care for my husband who had Alzheimer’s disease, amongst many other health issues. We were married for 46 years and I retained a life interest in the house after his death (plus my 50% because we were married) but I decided to sell and let his children have their inheritance.

Thank you for your reply. To be honest, I have not ever considered it but just wondered what people thought.

OP posts:
kitsuneghost · 17/08/2023 15:09

With regards to paying half the mortgage. This is his house, his deposit and only 7 years left and I would not expect him to put her on the deeds.

What she is paying is rent as she will essentially be a lodger

OP can you rent out you flat instead of give it up to cover rent to your Boyfriend?

Original poster
usernamenotavailable99 · 17/08/2023 15:10

Nazzywish · 17/08/2023 14:40

Why can't you just offer to pay what you were paying in rent on the flat you had if you really want to live together. That way he knows your not paying towards any equity gain for yourself as in essence your just paying him the portion of rent you would've paid elsewhere. Same for bills etc just contribute what you would've been paying at the flat. If he really wants to move u in this'll be fair all around and alleviate any concern he has over u being a gold digger etc etc

I did negotiate but he said 50/50 hence I'm not moving in.

OP posts:
Original poster
usernamenotavailable99 · 17/08/2023 15:12

Choux · 17/08/2023 14:41

If you give up the cheap rented flat and the relationship doesn't work out you it's likely you will end up paying far more in a new rental. I wouldn't give up that inexpensive flat easily. Especially if he won't negotiate on anything.

If I was moving in I would expect the finances to be structured so that neither of us were financially gaining or losing so you contribute to bills and food such that you still have a similar amount left. Possibly even more as he is saving on bills etc by you being there and you are the one at risk of having to move out if it goes wrong. The mortgage is for him to pay if he wants to be the sole owner of the property.

Him paying for you to eat out 4 times a week sounds odd - does he always choose where you go because he is paying? I wouldn't want to do that and am surprised at nearly 60 he does. Or is he possibly going to cut that back when his new girlfriend moves in and can take over the cooking?

He hates cooking. I think he visits his son's for other meals and will basically make a sandwich or cheese on toast. He can't negotiate and understand my position so I'm not going anywhere.

OP posts:
Original poster
usernamenotavailable99 · 17/08/2023 15:15

SummerDayz47 · 17/08/2023 14:50

If you want to get married and he has been clear he doesn’t, is this a deal breaker for you? You’ve already said you are not bothered about meals
out / holidays… You may just want different things from life!

It is a dealbreaker and I am annoyed that he didn't mention it early on when I said was looking for marriage. I will be finishing with him.

OP posts:
FriendsDrinkBook · 17/08/2023 15:15

Good for you op.

Original poster
usernamenotavailable99 · 17/08/2023 15:16

Anneta · 17/08/2023 14:49

There are far too many red flags here, even apart from the finances!

He will be saving a nest egg from your contributions to stash away for his retirement in less than ten years. You will have no legal security, plus you will be giving up your home which is a very low rent. If the relationship fails, you will have to pay far more to find similar accommodation and he will have gained a smaller balance on his mortgage.

I don’t see what you would gain. He has no intention of marrying you. His home will be left to his sons if he should pass away and you would be homeless. You will not be entitled to his pension.

It sounds like he would expect you to became a traditional housewife with all that entails.

The age gap is also a concern which may be insignificant to you now but as he gets older may bring many other issues. I speak from experience after having to retire early to care for my husband who had Alzheimer’s disease, amongst many other health issues. We were married for 46 years and I retained a life interest in the house after his death (plus my 50% because we were married) but I decided to sell and let his children have their inheritance.

You make really good points - thank you!

OP posts:
Original poster
usernamenotavailable99 · 17/08/2023 15:17

Choux · 17/08/2023 14:51

Out of curiosity why do you think he has suggested living together? You aren't going to be having kids or getting married so what was the trigger for the conversation? A declaration of deep love and affection? The practicalities and cost of running two homes? Health issues? Something else?

I think I can see now why he suggested it. He just said it would be nice and the next stage in our relationship.

OP posts:
ThelmaBorden · 17/08/2023 15:19

“ Living as his guest and dependent on his goodwill “.

do not even consider this OP, we are all waving red flags
here, why aren’t bells clanging in your head?
What sort of a deal is this? Words cost nothing !

gently extracate yourself, no need to explain your reasons to him
and neither should you.

There is nothing in this for you apart from eggshells underfoot.

samqueens just encapsulated your whole situation with a few
well chosen words in the last sentence

Original poster
usernamenotavailable99 · 17/08/2023 15:19

OhComeOnFFS · 17/08/2023 14:53

So in essence he says to this woman who's 20 years younger: "Give up your cheap flat and come and live with me. I'll never marry you. You won't inherit anything. You can clean and tidy, though, I don't mind that. It'll cost you about £700 extra per month so you'll be totally reliant on me for anything you need. How about it?"

In a nutshell, that's probably it so I'm not going!

OP posts:
OhComeOnFFS · 17/08/2023 15:21

I imagine he's suggested it because mortgage rates have gone up and if he gets someone to pay half the mortgage, he'll pay it off quicker and be able to save for his retirement.

So glad you're going to dump him. Please come back and describe his facial expression when you tell him his plan isn't going through!

UtterlyUnimaginativeUsername · 17/08/2023 15:22

Can you cook?

Original poster
usernamenotavailable99 · 17/08/2023 15:22

kitsuneghost · 17/08/2023 15:09

With regards to paying half the mortgage. This is his house, his deposit and only 7 years left and I would not expect him to put her on the deeds.

What she is paying is rent as she will essentially be a lodger

OP can you rent out you flat instead of give it up to cover rent to your Boyfriend?

It's a rented flat from a family member so I can't do that.

OP posts:
Original poster
usernamenotavailable99 · 17/08/2023 15:24

Trickedbyadoughnut · 17/08/2023 15:03

He is suggesting a really unfair set-up to you. You'd have no security - quite the opposite, you'd be trapped. You'd never get such cheap rent again, you would be very unlikely to be able to accumulate any savings allowing you to pay a deposit again, you'd have to reply on him paying for any extras. How would you ever be able to leave if things started going bad? And it's him that asked you to move and he totally refuses to see the situation from your point of view.

It sounds like he's purposefully trying to trap you into a controlling/abusive situation.

Run for the hills.

(Incidentally, if you are in England and Wales and could prove that you'd paid half his mortgage for seven years, you would have a good chance of proving that you have a beneficial interest in the property that would have to be compensated - however, as it sounds like you'd be skint by then anyway, you probably wouldn't be able to afford the legal fees to pursue it ... )

I am running....

OP posts:
Ladybug14 · 17/08/2023 15:26

If you moved in and paid half of the mortgage, should you split up you'd be entitled to some of the property

Original poster
usernamenotavailable99 · 17/08/2023 15:26

ThelmaBorden · 17/08/2023 15:19

“ Living as his guest and dependent on his goodwill “.

do not even consider this OP, we are all waving red flags
here, why aren’t bells clanging in your head?
What sort of a deal is this? Words cost nothing !

gently extracate yourself, no need to explain your reasons to him
and neither should you.

There is nothing in this for you apart from eggshells underfoot.

samqueens just encapsulated your whole situation with a few
well chosen words in the last sentence

They were already ringing and I'm not going. I just wanted to know people's thoughts.

OP posts:
Original poster
usernamenotavailable99 · 17/08/2023 15:27

UtterlyUnimaginativeUsername · 17/08/2023 15:22

Can you cook?

Reasonably well but not for him!

OP posts:
HarridanHarvestingHeldaBeans · 17/08/2023 15:28

I'm glad you aren't moving in with him, OP.

Original poster
usernamenotavailable99 · 17/08/2023 15:29

HarridanHarvestingHeldaBeans · 17/08/2023 15:28

I'm glad you aren't moving in with him, OP.

Thank you - I'm also finishing with him to find someone better that does want to marry me at some point!

OP posts:
Silvers11 · 17/08/2023 15:31

I think you are doing absolutely the best thing for you @usernamenotavailable99 . I'm glad our opinions on here helped you make a decision - or at least confirmed what you may have already been thinking. Take Care. There will be someone much nicer out there for you somewhere, and who wants the same things in life as you do

heldinadream · 17/08/2023 15:31

usernamenotavailable99 · 17/08/2023 15:29

Thank you - I'm also finishing with him to find someone better that does want to marry me at some point!

Show quote history

Thank god you can see what a bad deal this is.
When are you dumping him? PLEASE tell us what he says, I've got a feeling it might be entertaining...

Choux · 17/08/2023 15:32

Got a woman 20 years younger than him, won't negotiate with her, can't cook, pays for all meals and holidays aka gets the final say on all choices as he is footing the bill.

Yes he sounds very traditional - like a man who has time travelled from 100 years ago.

Choux · 17/08/2023 15:33

Forgot to say good on you for ending it OP. You will find someone SO much better in your future!

tescocreditcard · 17/08/2023 15:55

Sounds like he's doing some retirement planning (and you're the one who'll be paying for it).

You hear time and time again on mumsnet that a lot of men in their 50's and 60's are really just looking for a "nurse with a purse".

GertrudeJekyllRose · 17/08/2023 16:18

Moving in together has to be a beneficial proposition for both of you. If you will be £650pm worse off whilst he benefits from you paying half of all the bills then it's not a situation that works for you.