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Original poster

To move in and lose so much money

147 replies

usernamenotavailable99 · 17/08/2023 13:09

I met a man 18 months ago and we have a great relationship. He insists on paying if we go for a meal/holidays and so on. We go away a lot. He is such a nice person and I do love him but this thread is about finances. I have offered to contribute to things but he says he's traditional and a woman should not have to pay. Last week we had a discussion about moving in together. I was really keen due to our great relationship and felt it was the next step for us followed by marriage considering he said he was traditional. I brought up money and how we would pay for things. Bear in mind he has a high mortgage with 7 years left to pay and I rent. The discussion went on for about an hour but to be brief, he expects me to give up my flat, pay half to everything that would cause me financial hardship and not put me on the mortgage as he said it's too soon and he would review it in 12 months. I sort of get it but I think its a big risk for me as he may still not want to add me to the deeds. I explained this didn't seem fair as I have no financial share of the property even though I am paying half the mortgage for 7 years. My disposable income would be about 350 whereas at the moment its about 1000 pounds. I can't live on that meagre amount but he tried to justify it by saying he would still pay for our holidays etc and household maintenance. He wouldn't budge on it at all and said I could find another job that paid more or re-train. I already have a degree and enjoy my job that currently gives me a decent lifestyle at the moment. I have made the decision not to move in and and am re-thinking the entire relationship at the moment as I have seen him a bit differently. Its a risk for both of us in some ways but it feels like I am taking a huge financial burden for nothing. What do you think of this situation?

OP posts:

Pollyputthekettleonha · 17/08/2023 17:23

This would be a bad deal for you OP. You have made the right decision. It's fair enough that he doesn't want to put you on the deeds / mortgage at this point, but not that you have to pay half of his mortgage and be worse off. If you have a below market rent flat definitely stay there.

AHugeTinyMistake · 17/08/2023 17:31

I have offered to contribute to things but he says he's traditional and a woman should not have to pay

Well he can't have it both ways. If he's traditional he shouldn't be taking 50% of mortgage costs off you for a house you have no stake in.

Seems like he wants his cake and to eat it tbh

RoadSignFool · 17/08/2023 17:44

Well done OP. You deserve better and I hope that you find it x

ToDoListAddict · 17/08/2023 18:06

If it's cheaper to stay in your flat than live with him, I wouldn't move in with him.

magicalkitty · 17/08/2023 18:08

Traditional = he wants the 'traditional' things that suit him and he sees you as a lesser being.

SaleOfTwoTitties · 17/08/2023 18:33

Op, you sound nice, intelligent and articulate, with I assume, a good job and lifestyle.
Why are you even with someone who is nearly 60?

Mischance · 17/08/2023 19:22

Freedom beckons!

Monkeylimas · 17/08/2023 19:33

One of them modern traditionalists!

No marriage, but the non wifey can pay 50% of everything AND do all the house work 🤣.

I love it how they pick and choose traditional. No doubt kids would have his surname and he puts his feet up when he gets back from being down the mine (really his cushy 9-5).

LadyLolaRuben · 19/08/2023 20:50

You deserve better. Im glad you're going to end things with him. Let us know how he responds

Karma2023 · 19/08/2023 21:08

Glad to hear you are valuing yourself.

It amazes me that a nearly 60 year old man can date someone 20 years younger. I can't see what's in it for you.

I agree with others...this was a path to being financially trapped.

Lindsey99 · 20/08/2023 00:46

SaleOfTwoTitties · 17/08/2023 18:33

Op, you sound nice, intelligent and articulate, with I assume, a good job and lifestyle.
Why are you even with someone who is nearly 60?

He comes into where I work and we just hit it off. He is pretty young looking and keeps fit but we were just attracted. I've finished with him now as clearly by all these answers I wasn't valued.

Lindsey99 · 20/08/2023 00:49

LadyLolaRuben · 19/08/2023 20:50

You deserve better. Im glad you're going to end things with him. Let us know how he responds

I ended things but he wanted to carry on in a relationship even without me moving in. Its completely finished now as everybody gave me a lot of insight into the future.

Twiglets1 · 20/08/2023 07:09

That was a wall of text so it makes it hard to read.

But I think the situation is that your are renting at the moment, you do not own your own property?

So how is it putting you in a worse situation to move into his home and pay less money?

TicTacNicNak · 20/08/2023 07:24

Nope, I wouldn't move in. The age difference is too great and chances are you'll outlive him. Then the house will probably go to the adult sons and you'll have no home and no savings to get yourself something new.

In todays economy you'd be mad to give up a low rent flat in case the relationship falters. If you do move in, only commit to half the bills, definitely not the mortgage.

Zanatdy · 20/08/2023 07:50

Are you expecting him to add you to the mortgage? I wouldn’t either if I was him if he’s only got 7yrs left, surely you don’t expect him to do that? I wouldn’t be paying towards his mortgage though but would pay half the living costs. You can review housing arrangements later down the line, maybe buy something together in the future but after just 18 months I think it’s perfectly reasonable he doesn’t add you to the mortgage

Coco1379 · 04/11/2023 21:22

No, no, no. Keep your independence. There is no reason why you should contribute to a mortgage and the benefit is all his. If the relationship ended you would be homeless and at a huge financial loss.

Forgotmycoat · 04/11/2023 22:01

Shinyandnew1 · 17/08/2023 13:16

My disposable income would be about 350 whereas at the moment its about 1000 pounds. I can't live on that meagre amount

You say, ‘no-I won’t be moving in with because of this.’

Why on earth would you?!

No way. Sorry I'm very cynical and you wouldn't be able to build any savings of your own, what if you had to leave him? Why make yourself financially vulnerable? In a relationship both partners should be better off, not just one of them.

don't listen to all the guff about him being traditional... what's traditional about this set up where he benefits from you moving in but you don't???

and also 18 months is way too soon.

gamerchick · 04/11/2023 23:24

Why on earth would anyone dig up an oldish thread where an ending was reached. Just to start the whole cancel the cheque thing up?

The OP has ended it and moved on. Why dig it up?

Hitchens · 05/11/2023 08:51

So when he says he is 'traditional' sounds like it means he is in charge of the financial decisions.

He wants you to 'give up your flat' - assuming that you own it/pay a mortgage? why would you give up that financial independence?

He wants you to pay have off all the outgoings but not have any claim to the mortgage at all. To be fair I wouldn't be looking to add a partner onto my mortgage either, I equally wouldn't expect them to contribute towards the mortgage, id expect to split the other household bills down the middle such as council tax, gas/elec, water, food etc.

He has said he doesn't want to get married and you have said you do - that is a pretty fundamental difference in views.

Him insisting on paying for meals out and holidays and not letting you contribute because a woman shouldn't makes me want to vomit. On the face of it sounds like he is being nice and generous, but I'd seriously question that.

Only my opinion, but keep your independence, keep dating if it makes you happy but don't let him put you in a position where you are financially weaker than you are now.

tescocreditcard · 05/11/2023 09:53

gamerchick · 04/11/2023 23:24

Why on earth would anyone dig up an oldish thread where an ending was reached. Just to start the whole cancel the cheque thing up?

The OP has ended it and moved on. Why dig it up?

This happened on a lot of threads late last night. Someone came on (possibly the same person) and resurrected loads of old threads. I was sitting on mumsnet on a quiet night shift watching it happen in real time. Bizzare.

HeathrowQuestion · 05/11/2023 18:14

He wants to be the boss of you. Hard pass, keep your economic freedom.

HeathrowQuestion · 05/11/2023 18:18

OP, when you spend time with him, how does he make you feel by the way? Can you explain what it is you love about him?

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