To move in and lose so much money

[usernamenotavailable99]

I met a man 18 months ago and we have a great relationship. He insists on paying if we go for a meal/holidays and so on. We go away a lot. He is such a nice person and I do love him but this thread is about finances. I have offered to contribute to things but he says he's traditional and a woman should not have to pay. Last week we had a discussion about moving in together. I was really keen due to our great relationship and felt it was the next step for us followed by marriage considering he said he was traditional. I brought up money and how we would pay for things. Bear in mind he has a high mortgage with 7 years left to pay and I rent. The discussion went on for about an hour but to be brief, he expects me to give up my flat, pay half to everything that would cause me financial hardship and not put me on the mortgage as he said it's too soon and he would review it in 12 months. I sort of get it but I think its a big risk for me as he may still not want to add me to the deeds. I explained this didn't seem fair as I have no financial share of the property even though I am paying half the mortgage for 7 years. My disposable income would be about 350 whereas at the moment its about 1000 pounds. I can't live on that meagre amount but he tried to justify it by saying he would still pay for our holidays etc and household maintenance. He wouldn't budge on it at all and said I could find another job that paid more or re-train. I already have a degree and enjoy my job that currently gives me a decent lifestyle at the moment. I have made the decision not to move in and and am re-thinking the entire relationship at the moment as I have seen him a bit differently. Its a risk for both of us in some ways but it feels like I am taking a huge financial burden for nothing. What do you think of this situation?

Dont move in. Keep your own flat, your own money and your independence.
What will happen in, say, 5 years and he decides to end the relationship. What would you come away with?
Nothing?

I came on to say if you move in, he should cover cost of mortgage, insurance etc.

Food and utilities both an agreed amount.

Your equivalent rent money goes in to a joint savings account. If you split you agree to share it.

However, this increasingly looks like a crap deal for you. Keep your independence!

I love how these “traditional” men aren’t so traditional when it comes to marriage and providing financial security. Tell him there’s nothing traditional about having a girlfriend in your bed acting the part of a wife but having none of the benefits.

I would run a mile.

You say your rent is cheap, do you rent from a housing association or similar and have a secure tenancy? I would be very wary about giving that up.

Nope. Mess with your income, financially burden yourself for a man who wants you to move in with him to help pay off his mortgage, whilst ensuring you've no financial interest in the property? + doesn't ever want to marry you? That's a mugs game and it's good you're having a think about where this relationship is going. Also he's almost 2 decades older than you, you'll end up as the nurse with a purse then when he dies his sons will chuck you out.

Yes but she is still financially better off the way it is.

I wouldn't move in OP. I'd leave things how they are. He isn't budging so I suggest you keep your flat and live as you are.

Echoing pps I would like to know what he means by 'traditional'. That's somewhat worrying! I too get the feeling that you're doing all of the housework if you move in.

Definitely stay in your flat , cheap rent is not something to give up. And if you want to marry then I'd also consider breaking up. He's made it clear that he's not in a position to give you what you want.

Can still be kicked out in a second, no security at all.

Much safer to stay in her own flat, where she has legal rights.

He is very traditional when it suits him.
Does that make you still want to spend your time with him?

I really wouldn't move in but if you do, do not pay half the mortgage. I wouldnt want to move anyone into my mortgaged property but if I did I wouldn't ask that they contribute towards it. Do not make yourself financially vulnerable or reliable on this man. He's a fair bit older than you so what happens when god forbid he dies......presumably the house will go to his sons and you will be left homeless. I repeat, do not make yourself financially vulnerable.

I agree with everyone else. You have only known him for 18 months. I wouldn't expect him to put you on the Mortgage to be honest when it only has 7 years to run in these circumstances

As others have also said, I wouldn't give up your flat in these circumstances at all. It is your only security if things go pear shaped. By all means still see him if you have such a good relationship but be aware that Marriage is never likely to be on the cards, so don't think that you will be able to change his mind in the future.

Also, as others have said - he is nearly 20 years older than you. In another 10, or so it could end up with you being his nursemaid or at the very least you may then want to do different things due to the age-gap. No matter how fit someone is, we all start to slow down a bit

Out of curiosity @usernamenotavailable99 who initially started the conversation about you moving in with him? I hope it wasn't you, because that might have set up alarm bells for him? If the roles were reversed, everyone on here would be saying that the male is using the woman for their own advantage?

Not at all. My rent is below the national average as it's owned by a family member. I still have to buy some food and have the usual running costs of a property. It isn't much different.

He's nearly 20 years older than you, wants to call the shots, won't budge or compromise, wants a 'traditional' relationship - but not marriage, oh no.
RUN HONEY >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>hills. 🙄

Yes, I don't want kids so I take all precautions.

I have put across to him that I will pay half to all the bills and pay my way for holidays/ meals etc. He said he doesn't feel that's the right way of doing things. I felt he was putting up obstacles.

If you want to marry you need to find someone else.

Hell no

No. not at all. Four meals out a week but I still have my regular household costs to pay.

So he wants you to help pay his mortgage off, with no benefit to you? Fuck that.

He is reasonable not to put you on the mortgage, he has paid into it for years so I think it would be madness for him to put you on the mortgage.

What is unreasonable is expecting you to pay 50/50 and have your costs go up. I think I would look at how much you pay now for rent plus bills and tell him that this is the maximum you are willing to contribute if you should ever move in together. His costs will go down having you live with him so yours shouldn’t be going up.

He is 58 and his children are grown. If I were him, I would not remarry and I would only be looking to cohabitate with someone who could meet me equally financially. Living separately seems ideal.

since we wouldn’t be having children and we wouldn’t be building a life together, we shouldn’t be making shared financial decisions. The primary financial commitment is to the inheritance for the children.

it’s just a completely different life stage.

I have tried to negotiate. I don't expect to live there for free nor do I expect the meals and holidays. He was like this from the beginning and wouldn't have any money off me. Paying half the high mortgage would leave me with 350 a month.

No.

I have never considered it. We had the conversation last week and that was his terms. I tried to negotiate and explain my financial position.

Well he’s not very traditional if he dosent want to get married

if you have very cheap rent and like where you are living then stay there