Page 9 | DH excluding DD in will

Willmatters · 2023-07-26T20:23:27+00:00

NC for this thread Married for 30 years with 4 DC in their twenties Due to a family rift oldest DD has little contact with me and none with DH Currently making our wills and I have stated that I wish my half of our joint assets to be split 50% to DH and the other 50% to be split equally between the 4 DC DH has stated his half will be split 50% to me and the other 50% split 3 ways between the youngest DC i.e excluding oldest DD I understand that he can do what he likes but I strongly disagree and I'm struggling to put my feelings aside

spuddel · 27/07/2023 11:53

If dd and dh are still estranged, surely she won't expect or want anything from him? I'd stay well out of this op, it could cause issues in your own marriage after having mostly resolved the dynamic with your dd.

Aphotoaday · 27/07/2023 12:01

happywotsit · 27/07/2023 11:49

A parent can’t limit what children receive. Children, including any illegitimate children have a right to claim against the moveable estate but not heritable. It’s an equal share so you can’t limit by saying they only get a certain amount.

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If the child is only inheriting through the moveable estate but not heritable, then they are being limited as to what they can inherit.

SunnyFrost · 27/07/2023 12:02

For those saying she can’t expect to go NC and then be surprised not to inherit - spectacularly missing the point that it’s pretty clear they are NC for something awful that the OP’s husband did. For him to disinherit her because she hasn’t forgiven him, makes it clear he feels no real remorse. This wasn’t an equal falling out where they mutually didn’t get on - in which case of course it would be reasonable to say NC, no relationship = no inheritance. He did something, and reading between the lines it was pretty bad. Should his daughter be punished financially for not being willing or able to brush that under the carpet?

He is punishing his daughter for not forgiving him - which makes it clear he feels fully entitled to be let off the hook, and therefore isn’t actually sorry for whatever awful thing he did. We can probably assume affair or abuse if it was bad enough to blow their extended family apart.

If he was actually sorry or accepted any fault on his part he would understand her lack of forgiveness and wouldn’t feel entitled to punish her for it.

OP as far as I can see, this situation demonstrates that your husband isn’t sorry or remorseful for what he did. He is angry and punishing your daughter because he doesn’t think he deserves any repercussions for whatever he did and he is angry with her for not agreeing.

If you’re ok with him not being sorry for whatever he did, then crack on with your life but don’t do it under any illusions that he is remorseful because he clearly isn’t.

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 27/07/2023 12:08

Willmatters · 26/07/2023 21:44

It was complicated but Yes this sort of situation. Thank you for understanding

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In this case: yes, I would definitely increase your DD’s percentage.

it sounds like your DH did something that hurt you and thereby also your DD. Your DH wanting to cut her out actually makes him appear really spiteful (without having additional information here, I could be mistaken).

please make sure that you also consider the possibility of either of you remarrying after being widowed!

It is - IMO - important to protect your DC’s inheritance if this kind of situation were to occur.

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 27/07/2023 12:10

SunnyFrost · 27/07/2023 12:02

For those saying she can’t expect to go NC and then be surprised not to inherit - spectacularly missing the point that it’s pretty clear they are NC for something awful that the OP’s husband did. For him to disinherit her because she hasn’t forgiven him, makes it clear he feels no real remorse. This wasn’t an equal falling out where they mutually didn’t get on - in which case of course it would be reasonable to say NC, no relationship = no inheritance. He did something, and reading between the lines it was pretty bad. Should his daughter be punished financially for not being willing or able to brush that under the carpet?

He is punishing his daughter for not forgiving him - which makes it clear he feels fully entitled to be let off the hook, and therefore isn’t actually sorry for whatever awful thing he did. We can probably assume affair or abuse if it was bad enough to blow their extended family apart.

If he was actually sorry or accepted any fault on his part he would understand her lack of forgiveness and wouldn’t feel entitled to punish her for it.

OP as far as I can see, this situation demonstrates that your husband isn’t sorry or remorseful for what he did. He is angry and punishing your daughter because he doesn’t think he deserves any repercussions for whatever he did and he is angry with her for not agreeing.

If you’re ok with him not being sorry for whatever he did, then crack on with your life but don’t do it under any illusions that he is remorseful because he clearly isn’t.

I unfortunately agree with this.

It really doesn’t sound good (to an outsider, I obviously don’t know what exactly happened).

and I feel genuinely sorry for OP’s DD.

Because children usually do not want to go NC with their parents, it tends to be more of a last resort to protect themselves…

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 27/07/2023 12:13

Tatzelwyrm · 27/07/2023 10:35

Maybe he has had enough of her bad behaviour (obviously I have no idea which one behaved badly, buts its just as possible that she was the 'bad' one, and he's just had enough)

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OP already stated that it was a case of the DD taking OP’s side during the time she and her DH were separated…

doesn’t sound like her DD being the bad one, tbh.

Pipsquiggle · 27/07/2023 12:18

SunnyFrost · 27/07/2023 12:02

For those saying she can’t expect to go NC and then be surprised not to inherit - spectacularly missing the point that it’s pretty clear they are NC for something awful that the OP’s husband did. For him to disinherit her because she hasn’t forgiven him, makes it clear he feels no real remorse. This wasn’t an equal falling out where they mutually didn’t get on - in which case of course it would be reasonable to say NC, no relationship = no inheritance. He did something, and reading between the lines it was pretty bad. Should his daughter be punished financially for not being willing or able to brush that under the carpet?

He is punishing his daughter for not forgiving him - which makes it clear he feels fully entitled to be let off the hook, and therefore isn’t actually sorry for whatever awful thing he did. We can probably assume affair or abuse if it was bad enough to blow their extended family apart.

If he was actually sorry or accepted any fault on his part he would understand her lack of forgiveness and wouldn’t feel entitled to punish her for it.

OP as far as I can see, this situation demonstrates that your husband isn’t sorry or remorseful for what he did. He is angry and punishing your daughter because he doesn’t think he deserves any repercussions for whatever he did and he is angry with her for not agreeing.

If you’re ok with him not being sorry for whatever he did, then crack on with your life but don’t do it under any illusions that he is remorseful because he clearly isn’t.

This is a very good answer.

If your DH did something bad, that the rest of the family seems to have forgiven him for but your DD still can't; your DH needs to keep trying to make amends with your DD.

He needs to take every opportunity to demonstrate to your DD that he is sorry and he has genuinely changed. He needs to seek her forgiveness.

By cutting her out of his will he is being petulant and immature. I really hope he changes his mind.

DeliciouslyDecadent · 27/07/2023 12:19

However, if you die first your daughter gets the percentage you want her to have.

It's surely far more complicated than that. If the marital home is owned 50-50, the OP's half will pass to her H, if she was to die first.

And then surely the D would have to wait until he died to receive her portion?

And if he had to fund a care home, there may be no money left anyway!

spuddel · 27/07/2023 12:22

spectacularly missing the point that it’s pretty clear they are NC for something awful that the OP’s husband did Is it pretty clear? I'm going by the ops posts that it was a family rift, there was no detail or did I miss something?

Tatzelwyrm · 27/07/2023 12:27

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 27/07/2023 12:13

OP already stated that it was a case of the DD taking OP’s side during the time she and her DH were separated…

doesn’t sound like her DD being the bad one, tbh.

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Maybe OP behaved badly? so many things that could have happened - just because you are blood related doesn't mean you have to get on

I'm nc with my brother, in my eyes he is an arsehole, but if he posted here and said "my DSis did x,y,z" you would most likely be on his side

Tatzelwyrm · 27/07/2023 12:27

spuddel · 27/07/2023 12:22

spectacularly missing the point that it’s pretty clear they are NC for something awful that the OP’s husband did Is it pretty clear? I'm going by the ops posts that it was a family rift, there was no detail or did I miss something?

Exactly - and of course, it would be biased to the OP (which is natural)

SunnyFrost · 27/07/2023 12:33

spuddel · 27/07/2023 12:22

spectacularly missing the point that it’s pretty clear they are NC for something awful that the OP’s husband did Is it pretty clear? I'm going by the ops posts that it was a family rift, there was no detail or did I miss something?

I’m pretty certain that if it wasn’t the case, the OP would have clearly said so. The fact that the thread is full of people assuming that he has either had an affair with a relative of hers or been found to be an abuser, and she hasn’t shut that down, well that says a lot.

DrSbaitso · 27/07/2023 12:35

Tatzelwyrm · 27/07/2023 12:27

Maybe OP behaved badly? so many things that could have happened - just because you are blood related doesn't mean you have to get on

I'm nc with my brother, in my eyes he is an arsehole, but if he posted here and said "my DSis did x,y,z" you would most likely be on his side

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He's your brother, not your son. And forgive me, but I've never seen a sibling feud as bad as that that wasn't caused by bad parenting.

Whatever the daughter did, OP did too plus other family members, but he's reconciled to OP. The PP is right; he expects his daughter to fall in line and therefore thinks he is entitled to whatever treatment he wants, and places that above his child and his legacy with her.

Even if OP did something wrong (and it doesn't read at all as though she did), how bad could it be that he's reconciled with her and not his own child? If it was unforgivable, why is OP forgiven?

His entitlement, his ego, his self image, are at the forefront here, above all.

He is a shit parent.

Genevieva · 27/07/2023 12:36

From an IHT perspective you would be better off leaving everything to each other and then agreeing on what to leave to the kids when you both die. This is because there is no IHT between spouses or on gifts seven years before death, and there is IHT on inheritance to anyone else. But this leaves open the possibility of the surviving spouse changing the will to include or exclude the daughter in question.

Runrabbitrun2 · 27/07/2023 12:39

If my DH did that I would think less of them as a person never mind the will part I’d be thinking is this really the kind of person I want to spend the rest of my life with.

Monkeylimas · 27/07/2023 12:40

You can write the will 50% him and the other 50% split 4 ways now and then write a new one splitting your money equally amongst the kids in effect Cutting him out. This will invalidate the initial will. If he was cheaty mccheatyson and can’t be trusted it may be an option.ñ as he has poor judgement.

If he was a cheater then his attitude now would be very unimpressive. He fucked up and his dd no longer wants anything to do with him - that is the risk he took. You don’t cut out your dd for standing by her mother (supposedly the woman you want to care for). An affair shows poor judgement and lack of foresight and selfishness, as does the will situation.

If you cheated and she doesn’t speak to him because he left then that changes things and he should contact her and explain what is happening.

weleasewoderick23 · 27/07/2023 12:48

Supersimkin2 · 27/07/2023 11:01

DH is punishing DD for doing the right thing. By disinheriting her.

Classy.

You don't know that!

Honestly, this thread is like an exercise in creative writing. As the OP hasn't been back stop speculating on what's happened.

VanGoghsDog · 27/07/2023 12:49

It's irrelevant.

If he dies first, you give a gift to DD to make things straight, then your will leaves whatever is left the way you want. This is what my mum did when my dad died leaving out my sister.

If you die first, she gets what you want her to get. He can then do what he likes anyway, things might change, the might make up, he might fall out with someone else, etc. You can't control what happens after your death.

Scrapper142 · 27/07/2023 12:50

I don't think this is really about the inheritance, but the realisation that whatever happened hasn't been resolved and is very unlikely to be. Your husband believes that this grudge will be carried to his grave, so will continue to impact you until your death or his.

Maybe you previously thought that time would heal and this has confirmed its unlikely to.

GoingGoingUp · 27/07/2023 12:51

SunnyFrost · 27/07/2023 12:02

For those saying she can’t expect to go NC and then be surprised not to inherit - spectacularly missing the point that it’s pretty clear they are NC for something awful that the OP’s husband did. For him to disinherit her because she hasn’t forgiven him, makes it clear he feels no real remorse. This wasn’t an equal falling out where they mutually didn’t get on - in which case of course it would be reasonable to say NC, no relationship = no inheritance. He did something, and reading between the lines it was pretty bad. Should his daughter be punished financially for not being willing or able to brush that under the carpet?

He is punishing his daughter for not forgiving him - which makes it clear he feels fully entitled to be let off the hook, and therefore isn’t actually sorry for whatever awful thing he did. We can probably assume affair or abuse if it was bad enough to blow their extended family apart.

If he was actually sorry or accepted any fault on his part he would understand her lack of forgiveness and wouldn’t feel entitled to punish her for it.

OP as far as I can see, this situation demonstrates that your husband isn’t sorry or remorseful for what he did. He is angry and punishing your daughter because he doesn’t think he deserves any repercussions for whatever he did and he is angry with her for not agreeing.

If you’re ok with him not being sorry for whatever he did, then crack on with your life but don’t do it under any illusions that he is remorseful because he clearly isn’t.

This. After reading OP’s updates it’s obvious the husband has hurt the family, and if he was in any way genuinely remorseful, he would understand your DD’s position rather than punish her for it.

I feel really sorry for your daughter

spuddel · 27/07/2023 12:56

SunnyFrost · 27/07/2023 12:33

I’m pretty certain that if it wasn’t the case, the OP would have clearly said so. The fact that the thread is full of people assuming that he has either had an affair with a relative of hers or been found to be an abuser, and she hasn’t shut that down, well that says a lot.

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So it sounds like whatever the issue was, you and DD were on the same “side”, given you temporarily separated from DH? You’ve forgiven and repaired your relationship, but DD and DH haven’t been able to OP said it was something like this. Thaere could be any amount of reasons for a split and reconciliation. Either way, if the op and her dh have reconciled, perhaps the dh feels it's not up to the dd to offer or withold her forgiveness? As in, he doesn't feel that it was the dd he wronged iyswim? We just don't know any detail other than the op has resumed married life and family is reconciled other than dd. OP doesn't want to give detail so I am loathe to assume anything about a man I know zero about.

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 27/07/2023 12:57

You have a will of your own. You can decide what your children get from that. You can disagree with your husband’s decision, but you can’t make him change it.

You say she also has little contact with you because of this rift. Wouldn’t it be better trying to concentrate on fixing that while you’re alive than worrying about what someone else will or won’t leave her when he’s dead?

spuddel · 27/07/2023 12:59

@WomanStanleyWoman2 Amen to that!

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 27/07/2023 12:59

For those saying she can’t expect to go NC and then be surprised not to inherit - spectacularly missing the point that it’s pretty clear they are NC for something awful that the OP’s husband did.

It doesn’t change the basic point though. Surely if the daughter doesn’t want a relationship with her father, for whatever reason, she won’t want his money either?

Linning · 27/07/2023 13:02

Honestly it would put me off DH, if he did proceed doing that.

I think cutting a kid out of the will out of spite is a horrible thing to do, irrelevant of what happened during his lifetime. No kid cut off their parents for fun, which means whatever happened shouldn’t change the love he has for his kid (irrelevant of if she is choosing to be low or no contact), the fact that he is more thinking of alienating his daughter post-death rather than making up with her while alive is frankly sad.

I am no contact with my dad (very abusive man) and low contact with my mom. I am from a country where kids can’t be left out of the inheritance so technically I will be inheriting (I don’t think there will be anything to inherit tbh) but I would expect them (especially my dad) to cut me and (one sibling) off if he could. I personally don’t care about inheriting or not (I don’t need it nor particularly want it), but that would enlighten only his abusive/controlling and spiteful behavior.

Having to cut off my parents and go low contact with my mom has been the most heartbreaking experience of my life. Irrelevant of how much abuse they have put me through; at the end of the day they are my parents and as any kid I just would have loved it if we could have been close and have a healthy relationship so accepting that will never be the case has been extremely hard and wasn’t a choice I took lightly. I personally couldn’t care less about the inheritance but I wish my parents cared enough about me while alive to change and become better/healthier/more caring & loving people. If their final act in life/post-death is to slight me once more, it will hurt but will just summarize my relationship with them and the fact that they didn’t love me.

Based on my history, I absolutely couldn’t be with someone who can cancel out one of their kids, especially as their final act. It’s also incredibly selfish on your other kids who then will end up inheriting the drama at his death.

I have 4 siblings I grew up with, 1 full, 2 step siblings from 1 dad, 1 step sibling from another dad. If one of us was left out of the will from our mother it would create Mayhem in siblings relationship. I personally wouldn’t care and wouldn’t fight for my share, but I know one of my sibling 100% would, I also know my 2 step-siblings (the most likely to be favored in the will)
would feel extremely guilty and torn, I like to think they would do the fair thing and split it back up, but it would honestly put them in a horrible situation of having to do what our parent should have done, or be perceived as horrible by the sibling(s) who didn’t inherit. Even if all siblings decided to keep their part and completely leave out the one sibling not on the will, it would just enhance that this person is not welcome in the family and is a proper outcast, it will rob that sibling of not just the parent relationship they didn’t have but also likely sibling relationship they could have had if inheritance didn’t get in the way and parents had known to behave.

Don’t let your husband do that to your kids.I would honestly lose all respect for any parent/partner considering throwing that kind of bombshell into the family, yet again. Especially if they were at the center of the family rift that cause my daughter to go low contact with me .