DH excluding DD in will

[Willmatters]

NC for this thread

Married for 30 years with 4 DC in their twenties

Due to a family rift oldest DD has little contact with me and none with DH

Currently making our wills and I have stated that I wish my half of our joint assets to be split 50% to DH and the other 50% to be split equally between the 4 DC

DH has stated his half will be split 50% to me and the other 50% split 3 ways between the youngest DC i.e excluding oldest DD

I understand that he can do what he likes but I strongly disagree and I'm struggling to put my feelings aside

I think he needs to reconsider. This can cause an enduring lifelong hurt and a legacy of unresolved pain. He is the parent. It is is duty to ensure his children are sent into the world as whole as he can make them. Unless she stole his money to the equivalent of the amount she will be denied (and he explains this) there is no excuse.
If it's over a rift caused by his infidelity then he's punishing the wrong person.

I didn't say there was a fault with the system. Rather I was trying to make it clear that you need to use the system very carefully and not trust that a 2nd spouse will do the right thing. Often they won't where money is concerned.

Your reference to someone being 'very clear' is ironically rather ambiguous. If by being very clear you mean they've told their spouse that, I wouldn't trust the spouse. If by 'very clear' you mean have lodged a carefully drawn up will with a solicitor, then yes, that should work. My point was, you can't trust people at their word. I've seen people lose their inheritance because they trusted someone to do something that was clearly stated, but not legally enforced.

The circumstances around this are irrelevant if the OP doesn't want to share them.

I'd be really upset if my DH took this attitude with one of our DC. For any reason at all. By leaving any child out of a will, you are setting up an awful lot of resentment and hurt for those children to deal with, and may effectively end their relationships with each other. It's cruel.

Are you in Scotland? If so, parents can’t disinherit their children. They can limit what is inherited, but can’t completely disinherit.

Maybe he has had enough of her bad behaviour (obviously I have no idea which one behaved badly, buts its just as possible that she was the 'bad' one, and he's just had enough)

@WisherWood By 'very clear' I mean it was established through a legal process. Not just mentioning it casually over a cup of coffee one evening.

The people I've known who have done this (I'm old!) have met new partners later in life and right from the start have 'made it clear' (in conversations but then legally) that they a) don't expect to inherit their partner's assets if that partner has children and b) they won't want their assets to go to step children .

I cannot think of anything more destructive than having four children and dividing your money between three of them. Not only does it cut off the potential of them reconciling and having a good relationship with you/him for ever, it also sows the seeds of discontent in the next generation who will feel guilty and/or also go on to punish the child who is excluded.

Four children, four ways. I'd do that even if one of them was in prison/bad behaviour, anything.

Plus it is so clear that this eldest is being scapegoated by the whole family who were instructed by your husband to forgive and forget, presumably something pretty awful (e.g. long term affair, split up parents). Wow, she surely has been punished for that crime of supporting her mum!

I would not have this in my partner, and would either seek to compensate the child through my own will, or even better leave him because he's insistent on punishing a child through his own actions.

For all those saying- I love my children unconditionally on those threads about how much you love your kids, this is what conditional love looks like- you have to toe the line, have contact and be forgiving or else. I would split four ways and try to mend the rift between you and her, and hope your husband has the maturity to do the same (if indeed she wants that as she may not).

Yes, well, short of something truly terrible like rape or murder, you don't get to "have enough" of your kids and discard them. If you wanted someone who was never going to contradict you and was just going to adore you whatever you did, you should have got a dog.

I’d be interested to know what most couples would do if all their children had gone non contact several decades ago. Would you really leave them your money rather than leave it to charity? I get this situation is more complex.

If this is the case, I think it shows what sort of man your dh is and I would seriously be re-considering the relationship.

My mum's partner is like this. He abused his dc (has been convicted, so this isn't just hearsay) and has cut them out of the will because they are NC. They were leaving everything to me (I'm am only child and they are NC with their families). I am now NC with them after finding out about the abuse and the conviction, so no idea what they will do. But it just highlights the sort of nasty person he is.

Now no idea how his dc would even feel about money from their dad after all these years and all they went through. But it takes a special sort of person to do something terrible to his family/children and then punish those children for having a normal reaction to that and setting healthy boundaries.

DH is punishing DD for doing the right thing. By disinheriting her.

Classy.

The parent has a duty to bring up the child as best they can, to adulthood, or maybe until they've had the chance to start making their own living. I don't agree that a parent has a duty to leave the child money in their will. This is an independent adult. No-one should have the right to rely on the money their parents have made.

I agree no-one has a right to inheritance. But if you are going to disinherit, disinherit all the children and give the money to charity. Don't single one out!

It isn't about the money. It's about the rejection and the fact that your last message to your child from beyond the grave, for eternity, is two fingers.

That's an appalling parent.

It is very easy to challenge a will. My sibling is currently doing this, despite them being NC with our parent by her choice.

So far I have paid thousands in legal fees whilst they use a no win no fee system.

His decision. If the rift gets patched up then he also has the right to change his mind.

You may have forgiven him and the rest of the family tolerating it but your daughter does not have to. Your husband may remarry and leave nothing to your children, I'd take that into account in my plans. A life interest in the house and income but no capital from your half perhaps. You then have to be careful about who chooses the investments so that it is fair to all, some investments could provide a good income but reduce capital to nothing.

So he's punishing her for a problem he caused. He cheated on you, no doubt shattered your entire family and broke your heart - but because she has her own principles, is not a doormat, and refuses to play happy families with this arrogant, spiteful POS, she gets left with nothing. How nice.
What's wrong with you?! Stand up for your daughter for heaven's sake!

Hmm, I said I couldn't stay married to a man like this and certainly I wouldn't want to...but maybe I would so that I could retain some control over the inheritance. With a bit of luck, I would outlive him and then I could get the abandoned child back into the will. I'd probably also tell her it had been his wish even if that wasn't true. Then she could have the peace of feeling re-acknowledged, and he wouldn't go down in history as the arsehole even though he'd deserve it. My gift to them both.

It’s his will, so not for you to decide where he wishes to leave anything. Currently, this will only matter if you both die at the same time.

You write your will as you wish (even hide it if you want). If he dies first, you’ll get 50%. You can then change your own will to leave your inheritance wherever you want.

However, if you die first your daughter gets the percentage you want her to have.

Are you trying to keep all the inheritance? Is that why you have paid 000s ?

This is interesting but we are in England.

Thank you to everyone who has responded. It will help me to get things in perspective.

Sorry that I haven't wanted to share the full details. DH and I were moving on with our lives and things were going ok but now this situation has come up and it's really set me back.

I have quickly scanned through the replies but I am at work so will have a proper read tonight. One poster , I can't find the exact post now, but they said something along the lines of 'a child can walk away from a parent but a parent can never walk away from a their child'. This sums up perfectly how I feel but obviously not DH. We've all been thought lot

A parent can’t limit what children receive. Children, including any illegitimate children have a right to claim against the moveable estate but not heritable. It’s an equal share so you can’t limit by saying they only get a certain amount.

This is so difficult OP. I hope you're okay.
Obviously we don't know the circumstances, but try to look at this from your DD's perspective- Was she hurt, angry, protective of you? And then was expected to accept a situation that would potentially be putting you back in an unhappy or emotionally unstable position? I'm wondering if all this is coming from a place of wanting to protect you. If so, your DH should see and acknowledge that, and be a bit gentler.
Apologies if I'm way off the mark- I may well be projecting!