DH excluding DD in will

[Willmatters]

NC for this thread

Married for 30 years with 4 DC in their twenties

Due to a family rift oldest DD has little contact with me and none with DH

Currently making our wills and I have stated that I wish my half of our joint assets to be split 50% to DH and the other 50% to be split equally between the 4 DC

DH has stated his half will be split 50% to me and the other 50% split 3 ways between the youngest DC i.e excluding oldest DD

I understand that he can do what he likes but I strongly disagree and I'm struggling to put my feelings aside

Then if the OP can afford it, it would make sense to give all the children money now, so it's tax free (unless she dies within 7 years). Depending on her financial situation, she can decide how much extra to give to the 4th child, and when.

Totally agree with this. If your daughter - no contact with her father - would challenge or take money from his will, she has zero integrity.

No contact is just that. Neither 'side' has anything to do with the other.

One of my children does not contact me. He's my child, I love him, he will be included in my will sharing equally with his siblings.

I am NC with my parents, I wouldn’t expect to be in the will. They caused considerable pain during their life, I’d not expect different in death.

maybe your DC is expecting this from her father?

if it were me I’d ask DH to make a mirrored will, it won’t impact him, he will be dead, but it will impact the 4 siblings and the pain will continue from the grave, is that really what he wants for the other 3?

He's already "sent his children into the world" - they're in their 20s, and presumably are working and living their own lives. Do you think there's a duty on an 80 year old parent to leave his money to a 60 year old DC? If so, then why? Where would you draw the line? We don't know how the OP's DH got his money, but he may well simply have worked for it. That money may amount to thousands of days of hard work. Why should he be expected to give that money to a DC who won't even speak to him? Who won't even acknowledge him as her father?

OP I mean no disrespect but do you really want to be with a man who would treat your daughter this way?

It would be interesting to know if the cause in the rift was recent enough for all the kids to be adults at the time.

If my DH had an affair (for example, OP’s rift circumstances remain unclear) whilst my kids were adults and they choose to continually punish him, by never speaking to him again after I’d reconciled with him, I’d be pretty annoyed with them.

Either survivor might need to sell the home (to downsize, or to fund residential care) and for that, they need full control as sole owner.

As you know, relationships with children can go sour.

I know parents whose unstable adult offspring will not inherit to protect them. Any windfall would go straight up their noses/arm/down the betting shop. Far safer to leave the money to a sane and capable sibling, trusted to use it judiciously.

If that were the case here, I'm sure OP would have said so.

I previously said that we do not know enough to really make any definite statements.

but the only indication of wrongdoing given by OP was on her DH’s part…

I also believe that people usually do not go NC for no reasons, it’s often a last resort.

I am sorry you had to go Nc with your brother. I hope you have a good support system in place. Take care.

You are reacting as if the dd had decided to cut her dad out of her life Wo any good reason but spite.

The OP has been very clear that something was going on, something bad enough that she split with her DH for two years. And that will be something that her DH, the dd’s dad has done.
Seeing that we have no idea what that thing was, assuming that the dd is wrong is carrying on with the NC is pushing it too far Imo.

Also, I think her DH needs to think about the message he is sending to his dd. That she isn’t good enough. That he still hasn’t forgiven her for going NC following the ‘big issue’ HE was heavily involved in (and therefore will bear some part of responsibility, if not the whole of). That she isn’t good enough for not falling in line with the rest of the family (the OP included) and forgiving him.
Thats a hell of a message to send to your child, from the grave, so they can’t actually answer and just have to live with the legacy.
It’s extremely hurtful even when you expect it from that parent (which I suspect the dd will). My grand dad did that to my dad. And I think that’s the ONE thing he hasn’t never been able to forgive him for (and believe me, my dad lived in the FOG re his own dad and forgave many unforgivable things)

Also, I think her DH needs to think about the message he is sending to his dd. That she isn’t good enough. That he still hasn’t forgiven her for going NC following the ‘big issue’ HE was heavily involved in (and therefore will bear some part of responsibility, if not the whole of). That she isn’t good enough for not falling in line with the rest of the family (the OP included) and forgiving him.

I can't think what other message he could possibly think he's giving, tbh. This is what he wants to say.

And as a PP said, if he feels he can punish the daughter for not forgiving him then he thinks he is owed forgiveness - and that means he isn't remorseful.

Why would you be annoyed?

You made a choice on what is ethical and acceptable to you. Aren’t your dcs allowed to make different choices?
Aren’t they allowed to judge their parent in a different way than you, the partner? Knowing of course that their experience of your DH will be very different (as he is their father, not their life partner) and therefore they will have had a very different experience if him than you did.

See if you reversed things and assume that you decided to never speak to your DH ever again. Would you expect your dcs to never ever speak to your ex, their dad ever again? Or would you accept they have a different relationship and it’s ok for them to still love him?
If you accept that in that case, why not if you decide that taking him back is ok for you but they dint garee and dint want to speak to him?

It is his right to do so, legally speaking. But it is something he should think about without emotion before finalising.

It’s a hard message to send your child, and not one you can take back.

I think the fact that he can do this and basically shun one of his children is the reason your dd wants nothing to do with him. He's not a good father 🤷‍♀️

By disinheriting her he's confirming what she already knows.

Even if I hadn’t forgiven him I’d think they would be lacking in maturity to never speak to him again if he’d been a great parent to them. You don’t have to forgive the misdeed to maintain a relationship.

lmagine if you had an adult child who had an affair and their children (your grand kids) decided to punish them forever, by never speaking to her/him again for the rest of their adult lives. I suspect most people would think they were being extreme.

My DF broke contact with me for no good reason (narcissism, etc). He waited till my DM died. My DM left me and presumably my siblings a small amount of money on her death. She left the rest (this included a house) to my DF. I'm quite sure she expected DF to leave his money to all his children. He left me and my children nothing, which was what I expected to happen. He also re-married very quickly, and presumably left a lot of his fairly considerable wealth to his widow, as well as to my siblings. Despite this experience, I feel that it's up to the parent to decide who they want to leave their money to. An adult child has no right to expect any further financial support from their parents (I'd say after they've left university), and certainly shouldn't take an inheritance for granted. If a DC has chosen to break contact, so that they no longer show any affection for the parent and don't give them any support (eg when elderly and frail, when lonely in a care home, etc), it is unrealistic and I feel very entitled to whine about being disinherited.

I am nc with a parent and expect to be written out of the will.

If I'm not, then great, I really need the money. If I am, also great because I will have confirmation that my parent felt the same way about me as I did about her.

We simply dont have enough information to judge whether he is out of order or not, and wont have unless the OP shares (and will be biased)

Not everyone is deserving of love from their parents, not everyone is lovely to their parents - and if you chose to cut them off and go nc, then you risk losing inheritances as well.

Whatever the daughter did, OP did too plus other family members, but he's reconciled to OP. The PP is right; he expects his daughter to fall in line and therefore thinks he is entitled to whatever treatment he wants, and places that above his child and his legacy with her.

I disagree, and like I said before, she has chosen to go NC, and why is he automatically the bad guy - I certainly dont know enough about the situation to say that

@SunnyFrost · Today 12:02
For those saying she can’t expect to go NC and then be surprised not to inherit - spectacularly missing the point that it’s pretty clear they are NC for something awful that the OP’s husband did.

So what did the OPs husband do?

Thats really kind of you (your last sentance) thank you

I wonder if OP's husband abused his daughter? 🤔

What a horrible suggestion to make when we have no reason to believe that that is what happened.

While I know people in that situation from reading the OP's post it does not seem to be the issue. It seems it was more the DD siding with the mother during a separation and the OP returned to her marriage