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Original poster

DH excluding DD in will

448 replies

Willmatters · 26/07/2023 21:23

NC for this thread

Married for 30 years with 4 DC in their twenties

Due to a family rift oldest DD has little contact with me and none with DH

Currently making our wills and I have stated that I wish my half of our joint assets to be split 50% to DH and the other 50% to be split equally between the 4 DC

DH has stated his half will be split 50% to me and the other 50% split 3 ways between the youngest DC i.e excluding oldest DD

I understand that he can do what he likes but I strongly disagree and I'm struggling to put my feelings aside

OP posts:
Todayiscool · 27/07/2023 09:09

I had too much pride to contest the Will.
But I know I hold the moral high ground, I would never treat other people the way he did, and never treat my child the way he treated me.

User16496743 · 27/07/2023 09:11

I thought most people left it to each other and then the surviving spouse left it to whoever they want

User16496743 · 27/07/2023 09:13

If DH remarries then tough, I'll be dead anyway, an inheritance is not a given

Lorrries · 27/07/2023 09:36

He can leave his money to whom he likes. But you can do the same. So do the calculation on the assumption that you will die first. If you want DC4 to end up with a similar amount as the other 3, leave her a big chunk of what you would otherwise have left to DH.

Tdcp · 27/07/2023 09:41

I'm NC with my mother. It was her choice to begin with, a lot of the family have forgiven her but there's no way I'd have a relationship with her now even if she wanted to. I wouldn't expect to be left anything in her will but it would cement everything that I know about how she feels about me already. Just a bit of info from a daughters perspective.

Lorrries · 27/07/2023 09:42

Todayiscool · 27/07/2023 09:09

I had too much pride to contest the Will.
But I know I hold the moral high ground, I would never treat other people the way he did, and never treat my child the way he treated me.

I imagine you also knew that it's generally speaking impossible to contest a will. If you were disabled, reliant on your father, living at home on his money, then yes. If you were an independent adult, then no. Pride has nothing to do with it. And it sounds as though you went no contact with him, in which case being disinherited was probably to be expected.
I do think that where one parent leaves all their money to the other, and then that parent doesn't leave anything to the DC (despite the fact that parent 1 assumed they would) that's a kind of betrayal of parent 1. In this situation, DH has been honest with OP, and she should act on that knowledge.

MooBaggage · 27/07/2023 09:45

So I suppose I'm in this kind of situation only I'm one of the children and my brother is the sibling who has cut all contact with my Dad. He had a very damaging affair, left the family 30 years ago and my brother hasn't spoken to him since. I was the only one in the family/friends to keep in touch.

He has 2 more children from his 2nd marriage, so 4 x children in total and is trying to decide what to do re: his will. I think he isn't going to leave anything to my brother (not that he has much anyway!). He has tried to make contact with my brother many times over the years and has sent birthday/Christmas cards etc. but they are still estranged.

Honestly, I don't think my brother will be in the slightest bit bothered by not getting anything if Dad dies. Will your DD be upset/mind if this happens to her?

Obviously the big difference in our situations is that you are back with your DH, which does make it feel more strange that he would choose to cut her off - but I can see how and why this might happen, sadly, having been through something similar.

buckeejit · 27/07/2023 09:50

This sounds really difficult but agree you should talk to dh about it a bit more. I'd change your will to favour equal eventual split to all dc but if your dh is basically 'no debate' & unwilling to discuss, I would find this quite unpalatable, particularly if he was clearly in the wrong on the past. His actions will impact on all the dc

Good luck OP

WisherWood · 27/07/2023 09:53

What's the relationship between the siblings like? If someone did that to me and my sibling, we'd just split the inheritance equally between us anyway. Bugger dad, he's dead.

I suspect though that your daughter knows her father will write her out of his will and that it will just cement her opinion of him.

DeliciouslyDecadent · 27/07/2023 09:54

I've never heard of a married couple doing this. Maybe that's my fault!

Our wills are 'mirror wills' which mean they are the same.
I leave everything to DH and he to me.

In the event when one of us dies, whoever was the sole remaining parent would (if they wanted to ) re-write their will. But at the moment, the assets would be split equally between our children.

It's also worth knowing (in case your lawyer hasn't told you) that even if (god forbid) you were both killed at the same time in an accident, (within seconds of each other) the law will assume that the man dies first. This is on the basis that women have a longer life expectancy and the will based on that.

If you leave only 50% of your estate to your H, how does that work with the house you own jointly? Because in theory, half its value would go to your children if you die before him (so would he need to find that money?)

Lorrries · 27/07/2023 09:59

@DeliciouslyDecadent The problem with spouses leaving everything to their spouse is that the surviving spouse can then disinherit the joint children. That is probably not what Spouse 1 wants or expects. This is quite likely to happen if Spouse 2 remarries. Or Spouse 2 may have a row with one of the children and cut them off. They then have no inheritance from either of their parents.

Crazycrazylady · 27/07/2023 10:00

Surely though if you're no contact with a parent for what ever reason, it's pretty much a given that you're not getting anything in their will?

I'm fairly surprised at the people on here who were no contract and then upset to have not been left the same proportion of their estate as the siblings who did have a relationship.

Loopylooni · 27/07/2023 10:00

@Willmatters you left your husband for 2 years over this. It cant have been a small issue. It does sound a lot like he had an affair with a family member or someone she held dear - and you took him back. Everyone else is probably moving on but she cant. Id somehow change my own will so she gets something

medianewbie · 27/07/2023 10:07

Mari9999 · 27/07/2023 01:41

@Willmatters
It is quite possible that your daughter will not be at all surprised or upset by your my husband's will. I suspect that while she probably loves her father that she has taken the full measure of the man and found him lacking.

Not everyone expects, needs , or wants to inherit anything from their parents. I think that your daughter might feel that she would have preferred that her father have shown respect for his family while he was living rather than giving her a bit of money when he is gone.

OP encourage your daughter to reconcile with her father. Do this not for him but for her. You don't want her nurturing anger that will likely turn into regret when he is gone.

I am in a situation where the adult children of a marriage are not being treated equally. This is because one of them spoke up about CSA which caused a schism.

OP, was your H or your Dd 'in the wrong' re the original problem? (or 50;50)
Of course don't post on here but this matters imo.

If your Dd was 'in the wrong' then I still think your H is being rather petty / mean
If however He was in the wrong then to do this to her is truly awful.

It's not just 'the money': it's being left out of the rest of the family. Dis-inherited.
Cut off. Not the same. Not good enough. Not 'one of us'. It's devastating.

DeliciouslyDecadent · 27/07/2023 10:10

Lorrries · 27/07/2023 09:59

@DeliciouslyDecadent The problem with spouses leaving everything to their spouse is that the surviving spouse can then disinherit the joint children. That is probably not what Spouse 1 wants or expects. This is quite likely to happen if Spouse 2 remarries. Or Spouse 2 may have a row with one of the children and cut them off. They then have no inheritance from either of their parents.

Well, that's life isn't it? Or death! There is a limit to how much anyone can do to hold onto their assets.

Other options are more complicated. If the OP's main asset is half the marital home, then they will have to make all the children tenants in common, so when the house is sold, they will get their share.

The other option is for the OP to give away now her savings or some of her assets to the child. or do it on a drip-drip basis each year.

DrSbaitso · 27/07/2023 10:11

If he is disinheriting his daughter because she won't forgive him for cheating on her mother, he really is a special kind of arsehole. I could potentially forgive the affair, but not punishing his child for it.

We don't know if that's the case, but it certainly would be consistent with placing his wants and ego above his own child, even in death.

DeliciouslyDecadent · 27/07/2023 10:11

That is probably not what Spouse 1 wants or expects. This is quite likely to happen if Spouse 2 remarries.

All the people I know who have remarried later in life, have been very clear that their assets go to their own children, or their nieces, nephews, siblings, not to their 2nd spouse.

DeliciouslyDecadent · 27/07/2023 10:14

On a very different note @Willmatters this for me would be a divorcing issue. I couldn't stay with a man who excluded one child , for whatever reason.

He sounds a prize.

Flipin · 27/07/2023 10:17

I'm no contact with my dad and would be shocked if he left me anything on his will. If he chooses to leave all his money to my sibling that has low contact with him fair play.

If he disinherits her it proves that a she was right to go no contact

WisherWood · 27/07/2023 10:17

DeliciouslyDecadent · 27/07/2023 10:11

That is probably not what Spouse 1 wants or expects. This is quite likely to happen if Spouse 2 remarries.

All the people I know who have remarried later in life, have been very clear that their assets go to their own children, or their nieces, nephews, siblings, not to their 2nd spouse.

I've known people lose an inheritance due to a 2nd marriage. In one case, he apparently had a will that stated his daughter would inherit his property. However, the will was not lodged with a solicitor meaning he in effect died intestate. Any will mysteriously could not be found after his death and everything, the family home they'd had for generations, went to the 2nd wife. This was despite him stating on his deathbed that there was a will and his children should inherit.

Just because you've not seen it happen, don't assume it never does. I mean, you can just shrug and so oh well, that's just life. But I think most people would be pretty pissed off to be on the receiving end of that one. Or rather, the not receiving end.

ChampagneLassie · 27/07/2023 10:20

I think you need to respect your DH decision with his share here. Is he suggesting that you align your will with his, or respecting your choice?

Cyclebabble · 27/07/2023 10:21

Difficult one. We are estranged from DS. Amongst many other things he stole a reasonably large some of money from us and made a malicious complaint to SS when I was caring for FIL who was dying of cancer. In his view, we have not been supportive enough and did not give hime enough- particularly financial and hence the theft. When we do have contact it is a constant load of bile about how hard his life has been (it has not been he has a comfortable middle class existence) and how terrible we are. He is still in our will, but I am really not sure why if I am honest.

Softoprider · 27/07/2023 10:22

Honestly OP it reads to me this action of his is a huge red flag and whatever has happened is still happening to some extent..
He wants to hurt her and this is what he does? It is pathetic.

Merryoldgoat · 27/07/2023 10:22

Given the pages of posts on multiple threads where loads of people put up with a complete load of shit from their parents it takes a LOT to completely cut one out.

I suspect your husband is using money to punish your daughter further for not just going back to normal like everyone else.

DeliciouslyDecadent · 27/07/2023 10:23

However, the will was not lodged with a solicitor meaning he in effect died intestate

So it was his own fault.

Nothing to do with the system or it not being possible to ensure his wishes were carried out.

I am sure there are many cases like this, but saying someone was negligent with their affairs, doesn't prove a point. Only that they were negligent.