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Original poster

DH excluding DD in will

448 replies

Willmatters · 26/07/2023 21:23

NC for this thread

Married for 30 years with 4 DC in their twenties

Due to a family rift oldest DD has little contact with me and none with DH

Currently making our wills and I have stated that I wish my half of our joint assets to be split 50% to DH and the other 50% to be split equally between the 4 DC

DH has stated his half will be split 50% to me and the other 50% split 3 ways between the youngest DC i.e excluding oldest DD

I understand that he can do what he likes but I strongly disagree and I'm struggling to put my feelings aside

OP posts:
Lorrries · 28/07/2023 16:28

DrSbaitso · 28/07/2023 16:13

I think that parent and child both have moral responsibilities towards the other.

Wrong. Your kids don't owe you anything.

I have given you my strongly-held opinion. My father was a very bad father (objectively speaking). I still wouldn't have cut him off. He was someone who always put his own wishes and interests before everything and anyone else, so was happy to cut me off when it was expedient to do so. Different moral viewpoints. It was his right not to leave me anything, although I do think he behaved immorally in not leaving me a share of the money my mother had left him when she died, in the clear expectation he would pass it on when he died (it was a house which was only sold long after her death).
You can't simply say, AS A FACT, that children owe their parents nothing, and that parents, however terribly their child treats them, owe their child a full inheritance. You are free to make that choice, and others are free to come to a different decision about what is the right thing to do. Others will do what is best for them personally, regardless of morality.
In China, it is the norm for adult children to invite their elderly parents to live with them (usually in small flats). They care for their grandparents and often also their great-grandparents as a matter of course, making real sacrifices to do so. Is that wrong? No, societal expectations are different - far less individualistic. I think there's a lot to be said for the Chinese model.
You do you - expect your parents to leave you everything even if you've treated them with extreme callousness. That doesn't make you right.

Lorrries · 28/07/2023 16:31

Sorry, I mean that the Chinese care for their parents and also often their grandparents.

DrSbaitso · 28/07/2023 16:44

I have given you my strongly-held opinion. My father was a very bad father (objectively speaking). I still wouldn't have cut him off.

That's your choice. But as his child, you don't owe him anything.

If an adult child feels no sense of obligation towards their parents, something has gone badly wrong. It's not the way it should be. But a parent having a child and then demanding that child inherently owes them anything like a parental responsibility? No.

Lorrries · 28/07/2023 16:53

I don't think anyone should be demanding anything of anyone, once the child has reached adulthood. I explained that in my view, an adult child has some level of moral duty towards the parent, and the same the other way round. This not a legal duty. How people see morality varies between societies, and between communities, religions and individuals within those societies. My father and I had different moral viewpoints. You and I have different moral viewpoints. Don't assume that you and your child and / or parent don't also have different moral viewpoints. You can shout as much as you like - that doesn't mean that you are objectively right in saying that parents owe their adult children anything, or that adult children owe their parents nothing.
I'll tell you this though. If, like many parents, your parents made great sacrifices for you when you were a child, and you cut them off and don't lift a finger or spend a penny on them if and when they are elderly, poor, disabled, lonely... that says something about your character. And I know who I feel sorry for. And who I'd be advising to leave their money to people or animals in need.

crapactually · 28/07/2023 16:55

@HunterHearstHelmsley I think it's really unfair for the remaining siblings to have to deal with any hurt and upset that results from a decision made by the parents and I've seen a family torn apart by it.

It's better to be up front.

Lorrries · 28/07/2023 17:02

I can see an argument for saying that parents owe their children a good upbringing (if practicable for them) up to the age of adulthood, on the basis that it was their decision to have the children and the children can't fend for themselves, and that the then adult children owe their parents nothing in return (although I disagree with it). But I just cannot see a good argument for saying that a parent has a duty to leave their fully adult child (however rich that adult child, and however atrocious their treatment of the parents and perhaps of others, and however needy anyone else may be) their money when they die.

BeavisMcTavish · 28/07/2023 18:27

DrSbaitso · 28/07/2023 16:44

I have given you my strongly-held opinion. My father was a very bad father (objectively speaking). I still wouldn't have cut him off.

That's your choice. But as his child, you don't owe him anything.

If an adult child feels no sense of obligation towards their parents, something has gone badly wrong. It's not the way it should be. But a parent having a child and then demanding that child inherently owes them anything like a parental responsibility? No.

Can’t say I disagree with you - and for that exact reason there’s no obligation to hand over any inheritance to any child simply because of blood.

sheworemellowyellow · 28/07/2023 18:28

Lorrries · 28/07/2023 15:53

I disagree with you. I think that parent and child both have moral responsibilities towards the other. When the child is young, the responsibility is largely one way. As the parent ages, the responsibility moves in the other direction.
This scenario isn't at all far-fetched: A parent spends a huge amount of emotion, time and money on a child, bringing the child up to adulthood, through university and beyond. Through difficult young child and teenage phases. Accepting a big hit on their career. In the child's thirties, the child and their parent argue bitterly about something. This could be anything - for instance the suitability of their chosen spouse, how they're treating their own child, their views on politics, religion or gender issues, etc. The child cuts their parent off, dismissing several heartfelt attempts at reconciliation by their parent and forbidding any contact with the grandchildren, and continues with their own "prime of their life" time with their spouse, children, interesting job, holidays. They perhaps badmouth the parent to relatives. The parent becomes old, is widowed, is very isolated and lonely, may be badly-off and is on a fixed income, loses their health, can't get any significant help or a place in a home because of the terrible state of social care. The parent eventually dies. And you're outraged because they haven't left the house to their child?

Show quote history

I find this question of who owes responsibility to whom, to be largely dictated by culture and religion.

It's a fact that children don't ask to be born; that humans exist to procreate; that procreation is about the adults doing the procreating. One day, those children will be procreating adults themselves.

But it's also a fact that humans need to know they belong to a family (no matter if there's love or animosity there, no matter how tight or loose the relationships). Humans need a nuclear family, like many other mammals.

There's a biological imperative to parenting a child. There's no biological imperative to children parenting their parents. You can layer that responsibility on, by cultural or societal pressures (and many advanced cultures do). But it's not imperative.

Cutting off a parent is one thing. Deliberately cutting off a child is knee-capping that person's ability to function completely and wholly as an adult, imo.

AnnieSnap · 28/07/2023 18:32

I’ve disinherited one of my adult children. There has been no contact for 15-years, despite me reaching out to him several times in the early days of the estrangement. There was no abuse in case anyone is wondering. Quite the contrary. I have left money to my other two children and all grandchildren, including the estranged AC children, all, but one of whom I have never met and only know if their existence due to another AC, who he cut off for a while, seeing it on Facebook.

NeptuneOrion · 28/07/2023 18:37

I am in your DD's position. We don't go NC for no reason.

I'd cut off my DH if he wanted to do that to one of our children.

Dacadactyl · 28/07/2023 18:40

I wonder whether your DDs siblings would allow that to happen.

If my parents cut my sister out of their will, I'd still give her half tbh. I wouldn't want a family fall out to occur over money.

SunshineLollipops9 · 28/07/2023 18:40

Both my DH and Brother In Law have no contact with their parents. They have both said that they wouldn’t want anything left to them. If your DD has no contact with your Husband, I’d imagine she probably isn’t expecting or wanting anything left to her from him. Must be very hard for you

Hellodollydaydream · 28/07/2023 18:54

What are you still doing being with a man like this? Wow

linsey2581 · 28/07/2023 19:01

@HalloumiLuvver Yes you’re right. In Scotland you cannot disinherit your children. If you don’t want them to get the 10% you can technically leave them £1

Givemethereins · 28/07/2023 19:19

That would be a deal breaker for me. And hell or high water I would do what j can to put my daughter first not my partners injured pride. Imagine her realisation that you knew all along she was cut out of her dad's will and seemingly did nothing.

KajsaKavat · 28/07/2023 19:26

I’m truly shocked at how many are ok with this.
how horrible, surely this is divorce worthy…? Definitely not ok in any way.

Snoopsnoggysnog · 28/07/2023 19:26

Polik · 26/07/2023 21:29

Assuming ypu don't die at the same time, surely all of your estate goes to surviving spouse? Otherwise the children could force a house sale etc, because you won't own your own home yourself.

yes this! I don’t understand why you would split it as you have done.

Givemethereins · 28/07/2023 19:27

I don't think there is any argument other than a moral one. What kind of parent feels the need to punish there own child after their death, for having feelings which the parent was probably at least 50% (maybe 20%) responsible for. These situations don't happen in a vacuum.

Nanalisa60 · 28/07/2023 19:30

In Scotland, there's been a long-held legal principle that you can't disinherit your children. What this means in very simple terms is that whether or not you've made a Will, your children have Legal Rights to your estate.

Justontherightsideofnormal · 28/07/2023 19:32

How tricky for you OP.
If one of my DC were raging alcoholics, severe drug users or imprisoned for a heinous crime then I may decide to disinherit, I hope it's not one of these scenarios, if not I hope you can work together to see that it is better in the long run to leave everything equally to all offspring x

Bugbabe1970 · 28/07/2023 19:35

What a dick!

dcthatsme · 28/07/2023 19:49

My mum’s aunt left everything to one child and nothing to the other. It led to so much bitterness and strife between the siblings. Ask your DH if that’s what he wants to leave behind. It’s not a great legacy. Sorry for this stress you are having to deal with.

LaDamaDeElche · 28/07/2023 19:54

In your situation I'd leave everything split equally between my kids, but then in your situation I'd divorce a man who could just cut out his child like that.

Done2much · 28/07/2023 20:02

In Scotland leaving your child £1 in your Will as suggested by a pp does not prevent the child from claiming their legal rights. They can refuse the legacy and submit a claim. There is a formula to calculate that child's entitlement to the estate. Bricks and mortar are not included in the calculation, only proceeds of bank accounts, bonds, shareholdings etc.

I believe the English system is different

A legacy doesn't have to be accepted and that extends to any beneficiary in a Will

A solicitor will advise on the implications of leaving a child out of a Will

GrannyRose15 · 28/07/2023 20:10

Polik · 26/07/2023 21:29

Assuming ypu don't die at the same time, surely all of your estate goes to surviving spouse? Otherwise the children could force a house sale etc, because you won't own your own home yourself.

This is not necessarily so and is misleading, If she wants everything to go to her spouse then she needs to say so in her will. if she does this though he can leave it where he likes and eldest daughter might end up with nothing.