DH excluding DD in will

[Willmatters]

NC for this thread

Married for 30 years with 4 DC in their twenties

Due to a family rift oldest DD has little contact with me and none with DH

Currently making our wills and I have stated that I wish my half of our joint assets to be split 50% to DH and the other 50% to be split equally between the 4 DC

DH has stated his half will be split 50% to me and the other 50% split 3 ways between the youngest DC i.e excluding oldest DD

I understand that he can do what he likes but I strongly disagree and I'm struggling to put my feelings aside

I do think the context of the family big issue and the subsequent NC is important.

E.g. If your DH behaved badly - say he was unfaithful - was it a 1 night stand with a random or a full blown affair that lasted years and ended messily?

Both situations are poor, however, if it was the first scenario and your DH has been truly remorseful and is behaving like a saint; I think your DD's reaction might be a bit OTT.

TBH, by the sounds of it, your DH is acting like a dickhead to his DD and doesn't like being reminded of his poor behaviour.

Wills cause so much damage, much more than just money. Make an allowance in your will for eldest dd.

It's not clear from what OP has said that her DH himself has done anything wrong. The big family rift might have been caused by someone else entirely and OP and DH might have just differed as to how it should be handled. If one of them wanted to use family money to try to help the other person and the other disagreed, for example.

It depends on what the falling out is over but he is entitled to his feelings about leaving her out and making his will to not include her.

Or did the OP have an affair that ended messily - we have no clue on what happened and who did what - even the OP hasn't clarified who did the bad thing if indeed anyone

Maybe she did.

But if her husband is the kind of person who responds by forgiving her yet punishing his child from beyond the grave for it, I have little sympathy. What kind of arsehole does that? Being cheated on doesn't give you carte blanche in everything you do.

Of course they can make their own choices. But they can’t force others to make different choices either.

Something that seems to have been forgotten by many on this thread is that the OP has said her daughter is low contact with HER, as well as being estranged from her father. If the OP’s husband did indeed have an affair (she’s never confirmed it), she’s chosen to move on from it and continue with her marriage. Of course her daughter can decide she can’t accept this - that’s her right. But all the people on this thread siding with the daughter and crying “OMG he’s punishing her for supporting her mother!!!” are completely ignoring that she’s NOT supporting her mother. She’s actively saying she can’t support her mother’s choices.

As I say, that’s her right. But it’s also her father’s right to decide he won’t be leaving an inheritance for someone who won’t acknowledge him and who actively ignores his wife’s wishes.

Why are people assuming the worst of the husband? It might be something like he is a Brexiteer and half the family are Remainers or vice versa. Without the context it is hard to say if he is being unfair. The OP said that the daughter has little contact with her either so there are clearly issues with both parents from the daughter's point of view.

One of my brothers went NC with our parents and siblings when he met his wife - none of us really knew why. Anyway after my mum died and said brother did not get in contact or attend the funeral my Dad cut him out of the will. No-one is entitled to an inheritance, and the OP's husband is allowed to leave his share to whomever he wishes, even the local cats home if that's what he chooses.

Why are people assuming the worst of the husband?

Because cutting off one kid is a monstrously shit thing to do.

But she cut him off…

Without the OP providing further context no-one can say if it is the husband behaving monstrously or the daughter who has been so unreasonable towards her father that the relationship has been damaged by her beyond repair.

It doesn't really matter what the reasons are, it's his call. The rest is just speculation.

Assuming the daughter hasn't killed anyone or anything like that, yes we can. There is very rarely a truly good reason to stick two fingers up at your own child from beyond the grave. If she killed someone or is a drug addict, I'm sure OP would have said so.

People have the right to cut kids off, but it makes them monstrously shit parents. Some people have kids when they should have got dogs.

Several people are talking about how this will cause hurt for the OP's DD...

If I had cut someone off, I wouldn't give a shiny shit about being disinherited.

The person I think this actually hurts is the OP. She now has to live with the knowledge that her DH is content not to give a shit about his DD. Who is her DD.

So it looks like he's hurting his DW all over again.

OP, I think there's a reason why this has got you all unsettled. Does any part of you regret the decision to forgive and forget?

@Willmatters this sounds really hard, I'm sorry.
I hope he changes his mind eventually but if he doesn't then he needs to tell all the children.

It's not fair on any of them to find out after he's died and potentially for them to have to deal with the fallout. As others have said, it could be really damaging, not just for the daughter who is excluded but the others too.

There's been a situation in my extended family where the contents of a will wasn't known until the reading and it was horrible for those involved to have to process.

Do this to the man you love, in secret and stay married to him, so that he finds out post death?

and HE is the nasty piece of work?

if the advice was ‘reevaluate your relationship with this man, he’s a pillock’ then people can agree or disagree, but your proposal is pathetic and bitter.

Is it though? Surely the daughter isn’t sat there going “oh, what with the great relationship I have with my dad, I’m totally expecting to inherit money and houses from him’.

she won’t be expecting jack.

Is it though?

Yes, of course it is. It doesn't stop being monstrous shittiness just because the daughter expects and is prepared for her father's monstrous shittiness.

Well firstly, no child should assume they’re entitled to anything. You better believe it’s right that an estranged sibling doesn’t inherit the same as a sibling who spends the last decade of their life doing all the caring.

We still don’t know who did what so will done in your ability to mind read.

I’m inclined to agree it’s unlikely, but with the half info we’ve got it’s just as plausible that the husband is the only one with morals and the rest are sticking together ‘Coz family’.

Maybe there’s a reason the OP isn’t telling anyone the issue in case it makes her the unreasonable one!

keep an open mind people.

Exactly

Another one who’d leave money to all dc, it feels wrong and controlling/punishing not to leave funds to all my children.

I disagree with you. I think that parent and child both have moral responsibilities towards the other. When the child is young, the responsibility is largely one way. As the parent ages, the responsibility moves in the other direction.
This scenario isn't at all far-fetched: A parent spends a huge amount of emotion, time and money on a child, bringing the child up to adulthood, through university and beyond. Through difficult young child and teenage phases. Accepting a big hit on their career. In the child's thirties, the child and their parent argue bitterly about something. This could be anything - for instance the suitability of their chosen spouse, how they're treating their own child, their views on politics, religion or gender issues, etc. The child cuts their parent off, dismissing several heartfelt attempts at reconciliation by their parent and forbidding any contact with the grandchildren, and continues with their own "prime of their life" time with their spouse, children, interesting job, holidays. They perhaps badmouth the parent to relatives. The parent becomes old, is widowed, is very isolated and lonely, may be badly-off and is on a fixed income, loses their health, can't get any significant help or a place in a home because of the terrible state of social care. The parent eventually dies. And you're outraged because they haven't left the house to their child?

I was told further up the thread that by telling us my mum wanted to cut my sibling out of the wall, my parents are bad parents.

Context is everything. It sounds like three of the children agreed with their father and one with their mother. DD has supported her mother and feels betrayed, hence being low contact. I wouldn't think an affair situation as it would be unlikely three of the children would have supported their unfaithful father, at the expense of their wronged mother.

There is an assumption the other siblings would be unhappy if she was cut out. I'm unhappy that my sibling is currently in the will! If that doesn't change then my, and my other siblings, level of support for my parents will have to change. It's incredibly hurtful to know that someone can treat someone appallingly for perceived (untrue) wrongdoing and seemingly be rewarded for it. I would have been horrified finding out after my parents had died my sibling had a third. They've literally told them that all they care about is their money.

I think that parent and child both have moral responsibilities towards the other.

Wrong. Your kids don't owe you anything.