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Original poster

My partner has all the money whilst I struggle

542 replies

twix23 · 18/02/2023 10:10

Hi so little context, my fiancé and I have 1 child and another on the way, and I have an older daughter from a previous relationship. I got my credit into a bad way when I was single mum for 7 years so I've spent the last 5 years since being with him paying off my debt and trying to get my credit score better so we can buy a bigger house together, as currently he solely owns the house we are in. We both work full time but earns 2-3 times more than I do, so he covers mortgage bills etc, puts money into house savings, whilst I cover the food shops, clothes and bits for the kids, n paying my debt off. I also am primary caregiver for our toddlers as I can WFH, sort childcare and do all the cooking and housework, so I work bloody hard lol.
Last month he paid off the remainder of my bad debt as we want to apply for mortgage in 6 months. It was £600 so I set up a standing order to him for £200 a month for next 3 months. I've still got 2 instalments to go. He announced last night he's had a really good profit share at work, and although wouldn't tell me exact figure, said he'd have about 3k to put into the house savings and still have a nice chunk left over to treat himself as he's worked hard. I asked if because of this he could give me a payment break just for March seeing as it's not like he needs my £200, but I do because I'm trying to pay off a credit card (not bad debt but would like to mostly cleared) and it's my eldests birthday and she's also just been enrolled into gymnastics, so it's gonna be an expensive month and a struggle for me. He said no. It's my debt I owe it so I need to pay it. I'm pregnant so my emotions are high rn anyway but when he went upstairs I just cried and cried. I know I'm going to really struggle now, whilst packages will be turning up every day for him splurging on himself. It just feels wrong? I understand it's my debt n he was amazing to clear it but I'm not refusing to pay it, just a month off. Who's being unreasonable here? He makes out I should be so grateful and I AM, but it's hard struggling and having no money to even get my hair done or buy much needed maternity clothes for myself, n then seeing him buy himself all the luxuries (he got himself a £200 pair of sunglasses last month ffs). Also the reason we don't have a joint account atm is because of my credit score, it would bring his down too. He said this will change when we do buy together but then expects me to pay 50% of the mortgage and bills. Just an outsider's perspective on this would be helpful I guess, I feel really down and I can't even afford to take my toddler out today.

OP posts:
Cocobutt · 18/02/2023 12:53

Op where does your money go, can you give us a breakdown of your monthly expenses because I can't understand why you are struggling on 25k with him covering the bulk of the household expenses

I agree.

I’m on less than OP but pay all my rent, bills and food etc.
If I didn’t have any household bills to pay I’d be laughing.

If my partner was on £25k and lived with me rent free and paid no household bills but he was still struggling financially - then I’d be worried about buying a house with him.

I think her DH is just being very sensible and making sure she manages her money properly, which she obviously struggles to do.

She is able to become debt free because he’s paying all of the mortgage and household bills.
She would not be able to do this if he wasn’t.

DotAndCarryOne2 · 18/02/2023 12:54

Smile03 · 18/02/2023 12:49

This 100%

If the genders were reversed you would never let him off the hook. It was your debt and solely your debt so he shouldn’t have to pay for it.

You clearly state the debt accrued when you were single so ask yourself why should he pay it off?

He is already contributing alot into your future and allows you to live rent/mortgage free which I’m assuming you couldn’t before.

Show quote history

I agree with this too. I also think that the posters advising that she shouldn’t be contributing 50/50 to the mortgage need to have a rethink. The house they are living in is DP’s so presumably will be sold and used for the deposit for a new home which they will own jointly - it sounds as though he is also saving money to add to this. The same people advising she shouldn’t contribute 50/50 to the new mortgage would be howling for a 50/50 split of the assets if they were to divorce, regardless of how much more the DP has put into it.

NaturalBae · 18/02/2023 12:56

Tempone · 18/02/2023 12:38

ood at £500 would be excessive, children do not need £100 amonth on clothes. It is possible that the op is paying these amounts but if she is then there is a spending habit that needs to be dealt with

That's only 125 per week, that's really not excessive for a family of four.

Spending £125 on clothing per week for a family of four is NOT necessary.

Testina · 18/02/2023 12:58

You live for free - he’s paying the mortgage and bills and you only pay for food and kids’ stuff, and the only child that’s old enough to cost much isn’t his.

Yet despite this and working full time on £25K you are still paying debt off?
And chose to have 2 more children whilst in debt.

I don’t like the sound of him at all but in his position if you’d paid just 1 of 3 months you owed me and then tried to get a bloody “payment holiday” I’d hit the roof.

I want to say he’s chosen to have kids with you so he should carry more financial burden - but he already is!

He’d be an absolute arsehole to insist on 50/50 payments after you buy together - but he’s doing nothing wrong now. If I was paying all the mortgage and bills on a house, I’d buy the sunglasses I wanted to.

You’d be a fool to buy a house with him though.

2023pending · 18/02/2023 12:58

musingsinmidlife · 18/02/2023 12:26

What was happening with your income?

If you were like OP and thought life would be a free ride financially if you hooked a man - that isn't financial abuse - just like Op isn't being financially abused.

Show quote history

Hook a man are you taking the piss.
Not that it’s ANY of your concern my earnings went on rent, HIS bills and the rest got beaten out of me for the poor man’s luxuries. Tell me that’s not financial abuse and just me wanting a free ride? What a spiteful vile mouth you’ve got

HalfasleepChrisintheMorning · 18/02/2023 13:00

Mariposista · 18/02/2023 10:30

Why did you get pregnant when your finances are in this state?

This. How far along are you?

DotAndCarryOne2 · 18/02/2023 13:00

2023pending · 18/02/2023 12:25

I’m so vocal because I was financially abused for nearly 6 years by my child’s father and walked the streets with holes in my shoes contemplating whether I had enough money for a Morrisons savers ready meal.

Thanks for the assumption though

Show quote history

But with respect, I think you’re projecting, because the OP’s position is nothing like your own. He’s not acting like a debt collector, it sounds like he’s paid off her bad debt so they can build a future together - debt that she built up and got into difficulty with while she was single. And having done that, and agreed on a repayment plan, it took the OP about five minutes flat to try and default on a repayment because he’d had a bonus and she perceived that he could afford it. Not hard to see how the debt has built up and I think he should be the one having second thoughts. Not the OP.

musingsinmidlife · 18/02/2023 13:00

Jacksfesteringresentment · 18/02/2023 12:49

I'm not sure where people are getting that he's paid off her debt - he paid the last £600 early and now she owes that money to him. He didn't do her a massive favour, he did it so her finances would look better when they go to buy a house.

It seems like some commenters are so eager to paint the op in a bad light and give her partner a sainthood, they've forgot how to read!

OP, your partner is a massive controlling cock. I would think very seriously about whether you actually want to marry this man or buy a house with him.

Oh, and the comments about paying for a child that isn't his are disgusting.

Don't go to the step parenting board. It is thread after thread about how a step parents should never put a single cent towards step children - that 100% of all costs are the responsibility of the biological parents. They also do not believe the step parents should ever lift a finger or help in any way. That a step parent feeding or driving or watching a step child is them being taken advantage of. Some of the threads on that board are pretty shocking. Op's DH would be seen as a complete fool being taken advantage of on that board given he seems to cover a lot for the step child as well.

MostlyHappyMummy · 18/02/2023 13:01

Surely if expenses are paid 50-50 then childcare and housework are 50-50?

Cocobutt · 18/02/2023 13:02

I'm not sure where people are getting that he's paid off her debt - he paid the last £600 early and now she owes that money to him. He didn't do her a massive favour, he did it so her finances would look better when they go to buy a house.

@Jacksfesteringresentment

He let’s her live mortgage and household bills free.

This frees up a lot of extra money which allows her to pay off her debts very easily.

If she was living alone (which many posters are urging her to do) she would have to pay the rent/mortgage, all of the household bills and her debts.

Him paying off her debts completely is not going to help her in the long run to manage her money.
These are her debts and she needs to sort them out.

So although he may not be handing over the physical cash, he is essentially helping to pay her debts off by not taking any money off her for the mortgage or household bills.

billy1966 · 18/02/2023 13:05

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JinglingSpringbells · 18/02/2023 13:06

Cocobutt · 18/02/2023 13:02

I'm not sure where people are getting that he's paid off her debt - he paid the last £600 early and now she owes that money to him. He didn't do her a massive favour, he did it so her finances would look better when they go to buy a house.

@Jacksfesteringresentment

He let’s her live mortgage and household bills free.

This frees up a lot of extra money which allows her to pay off her debts very easily.

If she was living alone (which many posters are urging her to do) she would have to pay the rent/mortgage, all of the household bills and her debts.

Him paying off her debts completely is not going to help her in the long run to manage her money.
These are her debts and she needs to sort them out.

So although he may not be handing over the physical cash, he is essentially helping to pay her debts off by not taking any money off her for the mortgage or household bills.

This frees up a lot of extra money which allows her to pay off her debts very easily.

Getting annoyed with all the supposition on this thread.
Nowhere has the OP stated her debt.

It could have been £50K

Only if she gives up figures can people judge.

JinglingSpringbells · 18/02/2023 13:08

He let’s her live mortgage and household bills free.

Yes, this is what all women deserve. It's the best they can hope for.
Especially when they are having his 2nd child, work full time, look after 2 children, do all the food shopping, cooking, cleaning and laundry.

The misogyny on this thread is appalling.

DontLikeMenthols · 18/02/2023 13:08

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Have you bothered to read the OP, any of the follow up posts or are you just on an ‘anti-men’ tirade for the sake of it?

What’s the OP gonna do, ring Women’s Aid and say ‘my partner who funds my lifestyle, pays the mortgage, bills and paid off my debt is insisting I continue to repay him instead of the bank when he just got a big bonus’ ????

come on now…

CarefulNameChange · 18/02/2023 13:09

I don't think it's 'amazing' of him to pay off your debt, I think he did it so you literally owe him.

DontLikeMenthols · 18/02/2023 13:10

JinglingSpringbells · 18/02/2023 13:08

He let’s her live mortgage and household bills free.

Yes, this is what all women deserve. It's the best they can hope for.
Especially when they are having his 2nd child, work full time, look after 2 children, do all the food shopping, cooking, cleaning and laundry.

The misogyny on this thread is appalling.

it terrifies me that women still think this way, after all they women have been through, everything we’ve achieved as a sex, there are STILL women thinking like this.

how about women become financially independent in the first place before they have children so that they don’t have to HOPE for a man to pay for everything for them?

howmanybicycles · 18/02/2023 13:11

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 18/02/2023 12:39

On clothing?!

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The £125 is supermarket spends, not clothes. People can, of course, spend less but with a combined income of 90K perhaps it's reasonable for this family to have a few extras?

I don't think 100 a month on clothes for effectively 3 kids is a lot but perhaps I'm not very good at bargain hunting! Pair of shoes can easily be £40 and you need a couple of those a year plus a pair of trainers. One winter coat also maybe £40? That's £160 a child for starters (baby of course does not need that!) before you've bought any actual clothes and school uniform. It works out at around £33 a child per month. Just a suggestion though - I can see that others do it on less.

CarefulNameChange · 18/02/2023 13:11

I also don't think it is his job to teach OP a lesson about how to 'manage money'.

It's just such an unequal relationship, I don't know how anyone could be happy living like this.

2023pending · 18/02/2023 13:13

I don’t think it’s the finances that screams a red flag. It’s the element of control. OP’s thread said she thinks he’s amazing for paying the debt, he’s not paid it, he’s bought it and now he can use that to hang over the OP’s head and make it his responsibility to enforce money management at his disposal. That doesn’t feel right or sit right imo

YoBeaches · 18/02/2023 13:14

I don't think he's financially abusive, he's actually doing a lot of things responsibly to get you into a better position, but it's not very nice that his bonus is solely self centred and he isn't treating the family to anything as well as himself.

That's the bit I would have an issue with. You are both working together to have a better life so you all deserve some reward along the way.

musingsinmidlife · 18/02/2023 13:15

howmanybicycles · 18/02/2023 13:11

The £125 is supermarket spends, not clothes. People can, of course, spend less but with a combined income of 90K perhaps it's reasonable for this family to have a few extras?

I don't think 100 a month on clothes for effectively 3 kids is a lot but perhaps I'm not very good at bargain hunting! Pair of shoes can easily be £40 and you need a couple of those a year plus a pair of trainers. One winter coat also maybe £40? That's £160 a child for starters (baby of course does not need that!) before you've bought any actual clothes and school uniform. It works out at around £33 a child per month. Just a suggestion though - I can see that others do it on less.

Show quote history

It isn't 3 kids. It is a toddler and 50% of an older child. The older child has a father who also contributes to expenses and OP has said custody is 50/50.

I think the idea of oh we deserve extras and need expensive things is how people get into debt and money issues. They (or he) are saving for a house, the toddler doesn't need expensive clothes.

DontLikeMenthols · 18/02/2023 13:16

2023pending · 18/02/2023 13:13

I don’t think it’s the finances that screams a red flag. It’s the element of control. OP’s thread said she thinks he’s amazing for paying the debt, he’s not paid it, he’s bought it and now he can use that to hang over the OP’s head and make it his responsibility to enforce money management at his disposal. That doesn’t feel right or sit right imo

Surely he paid it so that in the eyes of the bank the OP has no debt when they come to take out a mortgage together?

so now she owes him, someone who will allow her to split a manageable amount over a few months with zero interest or legal action if she doesn’t pay it etc instead of her having to continue to pay off a debt which sounds like an IVA.

how is that a bad thing for him to do? He would be dragged across hot coals on here for NOT offering to help I imagine…

Meandfour · 18/02/2023 13:16

GoodChat · 18/02/2023 10:25

Absolutely agree @Rodneyisaplonker.
She shouldn't have agreed to pay £200 a month if she couldn't afford that.

I don't see that he's been abusive here.

I agree with you both. Yes it’s her daughters birthday, but surely she knew it was her daughters birthday when she agreed to pay £200?

I wouldn’t suggest he buys a house with her tbh. He is going to be financially carrying her.

Biscuits1011 · 18/02/2023 13:17

GoodChat · 18/02/2023 10:43

Like the £3000 extra he's putting into the savings?

Show quote history

While she’s clearly struggling??

DotAndCarryOne2 · 18/02/2023 13:17

2023pending · 18/02/2023 12:14

So you pay for his food, his child’s food too plus yours and your child’s, you do the cooking, the cleaning, the childcare, the washing etc all under the guise that you should be greatful he’s paying HIS mortgage and HIS bills which would exist regardless of whether you and the kids lived there or not whilst holding a historical debt over your head and acting like a debt collector.

You’re not a slave OP, and there’s no way on gods earth I’d buy a house with this man.

You’re absolutely right in referring to it as him paying HIS mortgage. But the household bills he pays do include the OP and the children, because they do live there. That leaves her paying for food and stuff for the kids, and allows her to pay off the rest of her debt. And you conveniently overlook the fact that the house he now owns and has paid the mortgage on, will likely be sold to provide the deposit for the next one, which they will own jointly - 50/50. You’re right, she’s not a slave and not being remotely treated like one. She’s learning a lesson in financial responsibility and clearly doesn’t like it. If I were her DP, I’d be the one not considering a joint financial responsibility.