My partner has all the money whilst I struggle

[twix23]

Hi so little context, my fiancé and I have 1 child and another on the way, and I have an older daughter from a previous relationship. I got my credit into a bad way when I was single mum for 7 years so I've spent the last 5 years since being with him paying off my debt and trying to get my credit score better so we can buy a bigger house together, as currently he solely owns the house we are in. We both work full time but earns 2-3 times more than I do, so he covers mortgage bills etc, puts money into house savings, whilst I cover the food shops, clothes and bits for the kids, n paying my debt off. I also am primary caregiver for our toddlers as I can WFH, sort childcare and do all the cooking and housework, so I work bloody hard lol.
Last month he paid off the remainder of my bad debt as we want to apply for mortgage in 6 months. It was £600 so I set up a standing order to him for £200 a month for next 3 months. I've still got 2 instalments to go. He announced last night he's had a really good profit share at work, and although wouldn't tell me exact figure, said he'd have about 3k to put into the house savings and still have a nice chunk left over to treat himself as he's worked hard. I asked if because of this he could give me a payment break just for March seeing as it's not like he needs my £200, but I do because I'm trying to pay off a credit card (not bad debt but would like to mostly cleared) and it's my eldests birthday and she's also just been enrolled into gymnastics, so it's gonna be an expensive month and a struggle for me. He said no. It's my debt I owe it so I need to pay it. I'm pregnant so my emotions are high rn anyway but when he went upstairs I just cried and cried. I know I'm going to really struggle now, whilst packages will be turning up every day for him splurging on himself. It just feels wrong? I understand it's my debt n he was amazing to clear it but I'm not refusing to pay it, just a month off. Who's being unreasonable here? He makes out I should be so grateful and I AM, but it's hard struggling and having no money to even get my hair done or buy much needed maternity clothes for myself, n then seeing him buy himself all the luxuries (he got himself a £200 pair of sunglasses last month ffs). Also the reason we don't have a joint account atm is because of my credit score, it would bring his down too. He said this will change when we do buy together but then expects me to pay 50% of the mortgage and bills. Just an outsider's perspective on this would be helpful I guess, I feel really down and I can't even afford to take my toddler out today.

I’m so vocal because I was financially abused for nearly 6 years by my child’s father and walked the streets with holes in my shoes contemplating whether I had enough money for a Morrisons savers ready meal.

Thanks for the assumption though

This

What was happening with your income?

If you were like OP and thought life would be a free ride financially if you hooked a man - that isn't financial abuse - just like Op isn't being financially abused.

Op where does your money go, can you give us a breakdown of your monthly expenses because I can't understand why you are struggling on 25k with him covering the bulk of the household expenses

Yes it doesn’t make sense. Even on a minimum wage, she should be able to cover those costs. But if she isn’t, how is she going to pay a half a mortgage.

The deposit saving doesn’t make sense either if he owns and the OP is unable to save.

I've been trying to see this from both sides. In terms of his contribution around the house - it doesn't seem fair. He needs to do more. But perhaps that's separate from money. I can't figure out where your money goes. You must be taking home around £1600 - £1650 ish? I thought maybe food £500, car £300 (assuming you don't yet fully own it), after school £200 (am I being naïve there?), debt £200, clothes for kids £100, clubs for kids £100. Are these figures anywhere near correct? They add up to £1400. Having £200 + leftover is fine. That said, if these figures are a massive underestimate, does he know that? If not, where is your money going and are you sure you don't have a spending problem? He may be being a total arse, or he may just have his head in the clouds regarding what things cost. Either way, unless the future mortgage is realistic based on your income, there's no way you should be paying 50%.

He paid off her bad debt. The OP still has credit card debt. He’s making sure she’s financially responsible and can keep to a commitment before he links his finances with hers. She agreed to pay £200 a month to repay him finishing off her bad debt. She now wants to miss a month because he’s had a bonus - it’s not ideal given that they’re going to take on a mortgage commitment together.

he earns 2 to 3 times more sounds like he pays 2 to 3 times more in bills and mortgage
he’s paid your debts off
the guy need to run for the hills

And why do you think that is ? Could it be that once they take out a mortgage together he will be linked with her financially ? And that given they are planning to buy a home together, he wants to make sure she’s financially responsible before that happens ?

@twix23 for context in a loving relationship, I earn 3x my DH but the money is just equal. When I was out of work and bringing in nothing the money was still equal. No paying into one pot for mortgage etc. He should value your time and Input and your kids together

Food at £500 would be excessive, children do not need £100 amonth on clothes. It is possible that the op is paying these amounts but if she is then there is a spending habit that needs to be dealt with

i just feel that this isn’t a partnership in full. Me and my other half both came in with debt and we worked together to sort out the shit.

if he gets a big bonus he treats himself but me too. We don’t hold each other’s debt over each other. He earns more than me and I’m part time and everything just goes into one pot cos he knows that when i was at home instead of work I was looking after our kids.

This whole situation you have just seems really off. I don’t think I’d be committing to buying a house, I’d feel like he’d be looking to stitch you up financially. I feel uneasy about the control you’ve described. You were close to paying off debt - so he’s now but you in debt to him?? That’s weird

I’d be wanting to get rid of my debt to him and others then tell him from that point on ALL the bills food kids childcare EVERYTHING has to be split as a fair percentage of income. Not 50/50 or he’s oh this you pay that. It’s all a joint pot and you both put in a fair %.

You need to retain your own money now and save save save so you have some financial independence from him.

I would also recommend seeking some advice from a charity re: your rights in terms of “beneficial interest” and of whether any of the financial obligations you pay now would be seen as beneficial interests and therefore give you some rights to the house (particularly if you have children) should your relationship deteriorate in the future. I don’t like either the fact he knows you can’t get any kinda mortgage or tenancy. He knows you’d struggle to leave so you need to know where you can get housing help etc. you are incredibly vulnerable and he knows it

ood at £500 would be excessive, children do not need £100 amonth on clothes. It is possible that the op is paying these amounts but if she is then there is a spending habit that needs to be dealt with

That's only 125 per week, that's really not excessive for a family of four.

To me, the wording of your OP says it all.
as far as you’re concerned, he ‘has all the money while you struggle’
where as the reality is he pays almost all the bills and you get £25K to use on just the food and a few bits for the kids.
Then at the first opportunity of some unexpected cash coming along, you expect him to dip his hand in his pocket again and resent him treating himself.
Id be bloody pissed off if I was treated like that!

On clothing?!

Whilst he pays off debt he's in a very controlling position.

You should have sought debt counselling advice and not be beholden to him but I'm guessing he knew this.

You are carrying his baby, you are not married, is there any intention to ? However I'm thinking you'll still be struggling and him buying himself treats.

You are so vulnerable not working not married and having a second baby with this man.

I'm betting you do all the housework and childcare, his career escalates.

No maternity clothes, go and buy them with the £200.

You need a plan to become financially independent so start thinking.

There is so much here to work on.
So you have work experience snd qualifications?

The OP said she works full time. She earns £25k/year.

It is more than it needs to be, a lot more. Besides that was just someones suggestion. To me it reads like money just burns a hole in the ops pocket. She's on a good salary, has to cover less expenses than most and is still struggling, why? It's screaming an inability to budget appropriately to me.

Agree.

OP has a history of living beyond her means and he is understandably nervous about it.

Debt repayment should come before gymnastics, new clothing and whatever else she's been spending on. And quite frankly before having a third child.

He wants me to pay 50% once we've moved and both be on the mortgage. For context I earn £25k and he earns £65k.

Now that really is out of order. He earns more than 2.5 times what you do, you care for his child (soon to be 2) and he expects you to pay 50% of all shared costs?

Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

I'm not sure where people are getting that he's paid off her debt - he paid the last £600 early and now she owes that money to him. He didn't do her a massive favour, he did it so her finances would look better when they go to buy a house.

It seems like some commenters are so eager to paint the op in a bad light and give her partner a sainthood, they've forgot how to read!

OP, your partner is a massive controlling cock. I would think very seriously about whether you actually want to marry this man or buy a house with him.

Oh, and the comments about paying for a child that isn't his are disgusting.

^This.

Although, I couldn’t live like that. You’re meant to be a team! You have a child together with another one on the way. You should ALL be sharing a similar lifestyle.

How are you managing to commit to your FT job WFH and also do the childcare for a toddler?

50/50 does not work unless you are both earning similar salaries and also BOTH doing 50/50 of childcare and ALL household tasks.

What’s the financial plan when you’re on Maternity Leave?

Sorry, but the Father of your children does not seem to care about you or his own children. Don’t marry him as it will get worse.

Leave him, sort out your financial literacy and debt and buy your own property one day.

And also get the Father of your eldest child to pay towards his child!

Ensure you check out the links below:

www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/am-i-in-an-abusive-relationship/

Refuge (24hr Helpline)
0808 2000 247

nationalda-helpline.org.uk

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

This 100%

If the genders were reversed you would never let him off the hook. It was your debt and solely your debt so he shouldn’t have to pay for it.

You clearly state the debt accrued when you were single so ask yourself why should he pay it off?

He is already contributing alot into your future and allows you to live rent/mortgage free which I’m assuming you couldn’t before.

Ermmm sorry like but if I had the money to pay off my fiancés debt I would, he has children with you, you’re buying a house together so a committed relationship.

A family friend had something like this happen, she bought a house with someone like this and she ended up having to pay for all the stuff for the kids, 50% of the bills (inc big mortgage that he chose as he wanted the big house) and do all the housework, even though he had a very very good job and earned way more than she did, he was walking around in designer gear and had all the latest gadgets, brand new car, she was driving around in a second hand car, in clothes that were years old and had holes, she had to buy the kids second hand clothes etc, she was miserable, it was horrific, luckily she left him and is much much better off and very happy so I’d say OP not to get into this kind of situation.

I think this is something a lot of people have overlooked. We don’t have many details about the OP’s spending habits and how she got into so much debt - some of it ‘bad debt’ that had to be paid off before they could look at getting a mortgage. There may not be much detail, but there are a few red flags. Judging by the comments at the end of her OP about being miserable about not having much extra, and that she cried and cried when he refused to let her off the £200 for a month, I suspect that this is how some of the debt, at least, has built up. If you can’t afford the extras you want, you put it on a credit card or whatever and if you don’t keep on top of it, it just builds up and the interest increases. Add a few missed payments on top of that and it’s not hard to see how things may have got out of control.

I think her DP has come in for unfair criticism - he will be aware of how the debt has built up and he’s obviously a lot more careful with money than the OP. I think rather than his behaviour being an indication of future problems, or inherent meanness, I think it’s more to do with making sure the OP is now more responsible and realises the implications of bad debit and missing payments etc - before he links himself with her financially through a mortgage. A lot of people at the beginning of the thread advising the OP not to buy a home with him, and to run, etc. I actually think he should be the one heading for the hills.