My partner has all the money whilst I struggle

[twix23]

Hi so little context, my fiancé and I have 1 child and another on the way, and I have an older daughter from a previous relationship. I got my credit into a bad way when I was single mum for 7 years so I've spent the last 5 years since being with him paying off my debt and trying to get my credit score better so we can buy a bigger house together, as currently he solely owns the house we are in. We both work full time but earns 2-3 times more than I do, so he covers mortgage bills etc, puts money into house savings, whilst I cover the food shops, clothes and bits for the kids, n paying my debt off. I also am primary caregiver for our toddlers as I can WFH, sort childcare and do all the cooking and housework, so I work bloody hard lol.
Last month he paid off the remainder of my bad debt as we want to apply for mortgage in 6 months. It was £600 so I set up a standing order to him for £200 a month for next 3 months. I've still got 2 instalments to go. He announced last night he's had a really good profit share at work, and although wouldn't tell me exact figure, said he'd have about 3k to put into the house savings and still have a nice chunk left over to treat himself as he's worked hard. I asked if because of this he could give me a payment break just for March seeing as it's not like he needs my £200, but I do because I'm trying to pay off a credit card (not bad debt but would like to mostly cleared) and it's my eldests birthday and she's also just been enrolled into gymnastics, so it's gonna be an expensive month and a struggle for me. He said no. It's my debt I owe it so I need to pay it. I'm pregnant so my emotions are high rn anyway but when he went upstairs I just cried and cried. I know I'm going to really struggle now, whilst packages will be turning up every day for him splurging on himself. It just feels wrong? I understand it's my debt n he was amazing to clear it but I'm not refusing to pay it, just a month off. Who's being unreasonable here? He makes out I should be so grateful and I AM, but it's hard struggling and having no money to even get my hair done or buy much needed maternity clothes for myself, n then seeing him buy himself all the luxuries (he got himself a £200 pair of sunglasses last month ffs). Also the reason we don't have a joint account atm is because of my credit score, it would bring his down too. He said this will change when we do buy together but then expects me to pay 50% of the mortgage and bills. Just an outsider's perspective on this would be helpful I guess, I feel really down and I can't even afford to take my toddler out today.

I don’t think it’s the finances that screams a red flag. It’s the element of control
This rings true.
£200 could easily be floated for the sake of the children, so the control side of things is a red flag.

On the other hand I know that if I was earning £65, paying the bills, and my partner still had money on credit cards after I'd already paid off one of her debts and she was paying me back, she was earning £25k a year, and thought my bonus should mean she gets to drop a month when I was putting most of my bonus into house savings, I'd probably be a bit irritated. £25k isn't a small salary when you've got no housing costs.

In the OP's DP's position I'd be very wary about going into a relationship, children and marriage with someone who seems to be on a very different page financially to me.

My sympathy is all with him. He's been generous and supportive, is helping you clear YOUR debts, and you just keep demanding more.

"it's hard struggling and having no money to even get my hair done or buy much needed maternity clothes for myself,.... I can't even afford to take my toddler out today."

You have to learn to get your priorities straight. Buying a house together is far more than just a financial commitment.

So although he may not be handing over the physical cash, he is essentially helping to pay her debts off by not taking any money off her for the mortgage or household bills.

But his mortgage would be the same regardless of whether OP and the children were living there, and the household bills wouldn't be massively less. It's not costing him significantly more.

And no-one in their right mind would be happy to pay towards the mortgage on a property they wouldn't have any rights to without a lot of legal hassle.

He hasn't paid her debts...she still owes that money but to him.

It’s very definitely his job to teach her about managing money if he’s considering being financially linked to her after she’s got into what sounds like fairly serious financial difficulty.

So many things wrong with this I don't know where to start.

Why did you move in with this guy without getting married or getting your name on the mortgage? Your domestic labour is subsidising his property investment.
Why have a child with him when you are so financially vulnerable, let alone go on to get pregnant again? How can you have shared children and a shared home but not shared finances? And why enrol your eldest in gymnastics if you can't afford it?

Living off a man, doing all the domestic labour/childcare and fighting for the scraps and pennies he gives you while you struggle and scrimp is a terrible example for your daughter(s). Give some serious thought to how you can get out of this situation.

Why would there be legal hassle if the mortgage is in joint names ?

Who pays for meals at restaurants or take away on Friday? Who pays for family vacations or family days at the zoo? Who pays for TV and internet and streaming subscriptions? Who pays for house insurance, property tax house maintenance and repairs? Who pays for entertainment or date nights or social activities? How was the first mat leave funded? Are there childcare costs?

It seems both pay for their own expenses of cars, phones, clothes, and personal care (hair cuts etc). OP pays for food (groceries or all food?), clothes for herself and the toddler, and toddler activities, and then shares costs of her older daughter with her ex. Her DH pays for the house, the mortgage, the utilities.

OP does the housework and all child related care. Would her DH agree that he does not contribute at all in the home or with the child? And why would you have a second child with someone who takes no role in parenting their first?

Put all the activities, expenses, debts, and costs on the table and find where you have common ground and where you differ. Where is all the money going? If there is a money management issue, OP needs to deal with that before moving forward.

Break up with him and partner up with someone on the same pay scale as you are on.

He's paying most of your costs. I'm not sure why you're complaining. Controversial, but I also don't think he's unreasonable to ask for half of the mortgage payments on the new house. You'll be entitled to half the house if your name is on the deeds, so why shouldn't you pay towards that half?

None of that has any relevance to OPs post. Why are you projecting an entirely different situation then onto OP? Op isn't paying any of his bills nor is she being beaten nor is she paying his expenses.

If the genders were reversed the man wouldn't be growing new humans in his body for the women's benefit would he, he wouldn't be looking after them either!
These things are not symmetrical and this is not a partnership, this man is not behaving like a partner.

So ATM your working full time but from home and doing childcare for a toddler at the same time (how) the toddler is his. Your own child is at school.
You buy food, clothes and everyday extras plus clubs for older child (does the natural father contribute?). You do everything in the house.
He works away from house earning two to three times your income and pays mortgage, utilities, council and water?
In future he expects the spilt to be unchanged from your side re food clothes household work, and working from home with 2 young children no childcare ....on top you pay increased mortgage payments so his bill either stays the same or not much more. You work yourself to death doing it all and caring for his two children and his cleaning, cooking etc
Your an unpaid housekeeper with benefits to him.
The loan isn't your issue that's separate
All bills pooled and you pay 1/3 if he earns twice your income 1/4 if is 3 times.

YABU. There is no reason you should have a month payment holiday just because your partner received a bonus. It doesn't sound like you've learned much about budgeting, as your daughters birthday isn't a surprise so should have been planned for and you shouldn't have enrolled your daughter in gymnastics without checking whether you could afford it first.

If you are saying it'll be tight this month paying back £200, how are you going to manage to reliabily pay your share of the mortgage and bills each month if you did buy a house together, because that is going to be more than £200 a month.

I can totally see why he's said no to a months payment holiday. I would not be impressed either. Its not about him needing the money its about you showing you can be reliable and budget.

If I was your fiance I'd be very worried and holding off in the wedding and house.

Can you read? You implicated I’d been living free off a man then asked where my income was during my own issue? I’ve never once said OP is being abused.

@twix23 so if you DP expects you to pay 50% of living expenses then you live within your means not his. Don't leave yourself short trying to live up to his earning power. Also if he wants 50/50 then he does 50% of the household tasks and 50% of the childcare including life admin. Only fair!!!
I bet he'll come around to putting more in the pot to live in a nicer place and to not do chores.
Explain to the waster how much a nanny, PA, housekeeper and private chef charge for their services.

Let's face it, she is not growing a baby for his benefit, she is growing it for her own benefit.

I wouldn’t want this man as my fiancé.
It’s no wonder you were crying.
Get out whilst you can.

50% of the mortgage and bills when he earns triple you do? What on earth is wrong with men like this!! Honestly I could never be in a partnership like this, it's just insane to me. You're expected to struggle whilst he's out spending hundreds of pounds on sunglasses whilst you're engaged to get married and have a child together

But her take home pay is £1,700 a month. Out of that she buys food, clothes and things for her daughter which isn't his. She's hardly walking round the holes in her shoes, worrying about saver meals. Even if her monthly outgoings cost her £200 a week, which seems a lot, it still leaves £900pm to pay off her debt. Which, as she's been paying it off for 5 years, must be massive. Meanwhile she's started running up credit card debt so she wants a break from paying £200 to pay that off.
I wouldn't mingle my finances with someone who can't live off 1,700pm.

Financial abuse
emotional abuse
im so sorry you’ve found yourself in a relationship with such an abuser. Do you want to get out of this situation? Something to think about

I think the fact that she accumulated so much bad debt before they met would have something to do with him not wanting her name anywhere near the mortgage on the house he’s invested in. Same with not being married yet, and having shared finances. We don’t know how the OP has built up the debt, but the fact that she has enrolled her eldest child in a gymnastics class despite not being able to afford it might be a clue, as are several other things she’s said in her OP - she’s clearly miserable that there’s no money left for things like hair do’s or clothes, and ‘cried and cried’ when he refused to allow a payment holiday.

If he knows that her debt has accrued because of putting those ‘little extras’ that she can’t afford on a credit card and then defaulting on the debt (which is basically what she wanted to do with the £200 payment) then he is rightly reluctant to link himself to her financially with a mortgage until he has ensured that they are free of her debt and she has better money management skills, without the temptation to build up debt again.

I see what you’re saying, but I don’t think he deserves to be painted as the villain here.

It’s like you’ve read a different OP. You’re advising against her paying 50% of mortgage and bills. Would you also be advising her against claiming 50% of the assets if things don’t work out ?

To make a decision about whether he wants the potential financial implications of this relationship - yes, but to 'teach her a lesson' - no.

Once you've had this baby, do something to ensure he can't keep getting you pregnant. It's all to his benefit - keeps you vulnerable and on a lower income, and apparently he's not financially viable for any of your children aside from paying the bills he'd be paying if they were there or not.

If a man told us that he earned £25k to his partner's £65k and she expected a 50-50 split when they move, everyone would be telling him he's the victim of financial abuse. And he's not growing and birthing any babies and taking a career hit...

It's a good thing that you're about to be out of debt. Have a think about what kind of future you want.