My partner has all the money whilst I struggle

[twix23]

Hi so little context, my fiancé and I have 1 child and another on the way, and I have an older daughter from a previous relationship. I got my credit into a bad way when I was single mum for 7 years so I've spent the last 5 years since being with him paying off my debt and trying to get my credit score better so we can buy a bigger house together, as currently he solely owns the house we are in. We both work full time but earns 2-3 times more than I do, so he covers mortgage bills etc, puts money into house savings, whilst I cover the food shops, clothes and bits for the kids, n paying my debt off. I also am primary caregiver for our toddlers as I can WFH, sort childcare and do all the cooking and housework, so I work bloody hard lol.
Last month he paid off the remainder of my bad debt as we want to apply for mortgage in 6 months. It was £600 so I set up a standing order to him for £200 a month for next 3 months. I've still got 2 instalments to go. He announced last night he's had a really good profit share at work, and although wouldn't tell me exact figure, said he'd have about 3k to put into the house savings and still have a nice chunk left over to treat himself as he's worked hard. I asked if because of this he could give me a payment break just for March seeing as it's not like he needs my £200, but I do because I'm trying to pay off a credit card (not bad debt but would like to mostly cleared) and it's my eldests birthday and she's also just been enrolled into gymnastics, so it's gonna be an expensive month and a struggle for me. He said no. It's my debt I owe it so I need to pay it. I'm pregnant so my emotions are high rn anyway but when he went upstairs I just cried and cried. I know I'm going to really struggle now, whilst packages will be turning up every day for him splurging on himself. It just feels wrong? I understand it's my debt n he was amazing to clear it but I'm not refusing to pay it, just a month off. Who's being unreasonable here? He makes out I should be so grateful and I AM, but it's hard struggling and having no money to even get my hair done or buy much needed maternity clothes for myself, n then seeing him buy himself all the luxuries (he got himself a £200 pair of sunglasses last month ffs). Also the reason we don't have a joint account atm is because of my credit score, it would bring his down too. He said this will change when we do buy together but then expects me to pay 50% of the mortgage and bills. Just an outsider's perspective on this would be helpful I guess, I feel really down and I can't even afford to take my toddler out today.

You're carrying his child and he's spending £200 on sunglasses and won't even contribute to the cost of some maternity clothes for you. Not a nice man.

He’s earning 65k a year. He has a child with OP and another on the way. He pays for his house and his bills as he would normally, he doesn’t pay for food or his own child, he’d still have to pay mortgage and bills whether OP and the kids lived there or not, she’s doing him a favour by paying for his kids and his food as he’s got even more disposable income.

Generous? This is the mother of his children and they're supposed to be a partnership

Honestly I would leave and hit him with a child support bill.

This man is not a team player and he doesn’t view you as an equal (although he will certainly spin it that way). Equality in a relationship is as much about getting the same out as putting the same in and it’s definitely not all monetary based.
Money, childcare, housework, the family mental load it all counts. Does he do 50% of the childcare and housework? If not does he pay you for the extra you pick up?

He’s having his cake and eating and it’s very very unfair on you. I have two toddlers too but luckily I’m married to a reasonable man who understands that I went through 2 hideous pregnancies that he didn’t have to, then did much more childcare and house work than he does so that he can have a nice comfortable life and go out to work (doctor) somewhat care free. He recognises the immense contribution I make as a SAHM and therefore I have complete equal access to his income which I am sensible with but do make sure I have decent clothes and basics…etc

Nothing about this situation says equality, love or team work to me. You deserve 5 million times better xxx

She mentioned her phone.

They have one toddler. There aren't a ton of additional expenses for that age of child. The expenses she details are primarily her own other than food - her phone bill, her car payments, her beauty treatments, her clothes, her older daughter's activities. No where does she say she is paying all these expenses for him as well.

If this was the other way round, posters would be working out how much time/money the OP is saving him by doing this

whilst I cover the food shops,
clothes and bits for the kids,
paying my debt off.
I also am primary caregiver for our toddlers as I can WFH,
sort childcare and
do all the cooking and housework

It's hard to extract what's actually happening here.

It does seem odd that on a take home salary of £25k, if all you're paying off joint expenses is the food and a repayment of £200,how you can be so broke?

But it seems equally odd that he earns £65k to your £25k but expects you to pay 50% of mortgage and bills if you move.

Personally I'd get married asap to give your DCs some financial protection, but I'd never agree to move under those conditions.

You’re working from home and also caring for a toddler. Are you working in the evening?

He didn’t pay off your debt. You’re in debt to him now. From what you’ve said he sounds an incredibly mean/stingy individual.

@musingsinmidlife You are ignoring the fact that she buys all the food for 2 adults, and two children (one his, one hers ), works full time, looks after a toddler (or pays for childcare), does all the housework and laundry. If he had to out source any of that it would cost him (either time or money.)

I notice no one is picking him up on not doing any chores, cooking, cleaning or laundry.

You are ignoring the debt she was paying back. I don't know how much it was- she's not said- but it sounds as if that is a large outgoing.

@JinglingSpringbells

I’m not ignoring it.
But that’s her debt, not his.

She is on £25k living rent/mortgage and household bills free which allows her to pay off this debt - that’s a pretty good deal.

So you pay for his food, his child’s food too plus yours and your child’s, you do the cooking, the cleaning, the childcare, the washing etc all under the guise that you should be greatful he’s paying HIS mortgage and HIS bills which would exist regardless of whether you and the kids lived there or not whilst holding a historical debt over your head and acting like a debt collector.

You’re not a slave OP, and there’s no way on gods earth I’d buy a house with this man.

This man is not a team player and he doesn’t view you as an equal

I agree. I think the my money your money approach can be okay if there aren’t shared children involved and both partners have similar financial means. Neither are the case here though. He’s happpy to swap DNA with you but won’t let you off a couple of hundred quid that he doesn’t need at all right now. Extremely mean bordering on weird if you ask me.

The comments talking about how OP has it good must be mad. Her partner sounds like the one who’s got it good, he’s got 2 kids and doesn’t even have to pay a penny for them or clothe them or pay for their activities etc, plus his foods bought and cooked, his house is clean and all his chores and laundry are done so he can just have the majority of his wage and keep it. Fucking hell where do I sign up

Yes leave him and start paying your own mortgage and all the bills plus food and kids stuff. That sounds sensible.

The domestic and childcare aspects should be taken into account as they move forward. I don't know how much equity he has in the current house or the size of the mortgage and mortgage payments. It wouldn't be fair to be expected to contribute 50/50 to a significant mortgage and do all the domestic labour and childcare.

They aren't at that point yet. If she doesn't have two pennies to rub together after buying groceries and her own personal expenses, then there are clearly major money management issues that need to be addressed before they buy a house together since it seems most of the house will be paid for by his equity and his savings.

Once we bought a house all our money became shared. And that’s how it still is. Both pays go into one account and then some pays the mortgage, bills account ect. I don’t understand having it all separate. Even if you have another child. My husband did too made no difference. And at the time when we first got married I earned more than him.

He didn't pay off your debt, he bought it.

Now you're in debt to him and in a vulnerable position.

By paying all the mortgage and bills (which must be 5 or 6 times what you spend on food) your partner is fairly recognising the contribution you make to cooking and cleaning. You could sit down and formalise this but as one child isn't his and one is I doubt you would agree he should be paying even more of the costs.

You've got yourself in a mess with debt which is why he doesn't want you to wriggle out of the agreement you made onky 30 days ago.

I am struggling to see that he is being very unreasonable.

A 25k salary with no rent or bills is a very good salary. I assume you keep a budget to know exactly where that is all going. Partner will be higher rate tax payer and is covering all major outgoings...his personal disposable income isn't going to be that much different.

Buying a house together is surely not going to happen....he has real savings plus equity in a property...OP is still in debt. So that isn't going to work.

I just googled it and a take home pay on £25k pa is £1700 per month. I agree this would be tough to budget with rent/mortgage and utilities, but all you're paying is food and things for your DD.

Perhaps your DP is bemused about where it all goes - I certainly am.
You could cut right back on your food costs through meal planning and buying cheaply and surely something like gymnastics should be a joint cost with the DF ?

You absolutely should not be doing all the childcare and housework or paying 50%, but equally I feel both of you are getting a bit of a rough deal in different ways.

I’ve honestly had random employers and workmen show me more generosity and good will than this man is showing his partner/mother of his child. Seriously, on at least two occasions workmen I’d never used before saying oh no rush just give me a call and pay the invoice sometime in the next few weeks.. a previous employer who forwarded me my first month’s pay as I was struggling to come up with a large rental deposit in a new area. Some people’s reasonable standards for a partner are way too low!

Why do you refer to it as HIS mortgage and HIS bills?

She pays nothing for any accommodation or housing expenses. There is no HER mortgage or HER rent or HER bills. She is an adult, a parent with children and pays nothing towards the major expenses that go along with that. What adults get to live for almost free? I am guessing you are so vocal because you have a man who pays for everything and so you can't believe he would expect her, a woman, to pay for anything.

I don’t understand partnerships like this. Paying 50% each sounds ok in theory if both are earning the same. But what about maternity leave or if one of you gets sick? What if he can afford an amazing holiday and you can’t stump up the 50%? Will he tell the DC that you can’t afford your share? Does he go and take the kids and leave you? What if DC want to take up expensive hobbies and you can’t afford your 50%? It’s just ridiculous. Now you are almost debt free OP maybe you could consider after you’ve had the baby moving into a place on you own. This guy sounds like he has all the power and is willing to exercise it. Never a good situation.

I don’t think you’re being financially abused, I do think he’s either really nervous or just a bit of a twat.

You should pay the £200 a month you agreed, but you need to have a proper discussion about finances. You should have done it pre-kids but now you MUST do it before you buy a house with him.

You have kids together. The 50:50 mortgage payments etc is ridiculous given your income differences. It will only serve to enrich him while you struggle, all whilst raising his children.

What’s the plan on mat leave?

DH and I have our own accounts and a JA for shared bills. I earn more than him so I put a larger percentage of monthly outgoings into the JA each month, because that’s fair. It means we are both left with our own money at the end of the month.

I don’t see why someone who loves you, wants to marry you, is happy to use you to make children with and as childcare for those children wants you to be broke every month.

The situation is resolvable but needs urgent discussion.

This. And I don’t think someone who has paid off his partners’ bad debt so they can move up the property market together is being financially abusive. I think he’s making sure that the OP gets her priorities right and that they get on a better footing before committing to buying a house together. The OP has said she has had bad debt in the past, and still has credit card debt, and I think a lot of people are forgetting that her DP will be financially linked to her once they take out any kind of finance together. I would want proof of her financial responsibility before doing this. I do think buying himself prezzies is rubbing her face in it a bit though - hopefully there’ll be something in there for the OP.